Keep smilin', keep shinin' ... Knowin' you can always count on me, for sure

Ever feel like the people you'd like to connect with better don't feel the same way about you?

Sort of leaves you with that feeling of 'what's wrong with me that they don't want to get to know me better?'

Went and did that weekend with the few women I had mentioned in a previous post. It went well. Everyone seemed to enjoy themselves by the end of it.
I know that it could have gone the other way, only because I know that there could have been tension with one of the participants and myself and you just never know with them if this time will be one of those times that you will be treated like an outsider.

I asked the man earlier way it is that I seem to have such a hard time connecting with people. He was at a bit of a loss as well.

There's just a lot of times where I feel like I have to try harder then everyone else, and then end up shrugging and saying 'fuckit' and stop trying, but then later on I wonder why.

I suppose if I'm gonna say fuckit then I should stop wondering why afterward.

Was asked at the beginning of the Saturday morning while awaiting my breakfast to make a list of the top 10 closest friends of mine.
I felt sad when honestly told them that I don't have 10 close friends. Those friends that you can call when really in a bind to help you out, especially with emotional support of some sort. There wasn't 10.
I wrote mine down... there was 6.

They don't even know each other, so it's not like we can all go hang out for drinks or some shit. The first one on the list was the Man he's here so that's good. The Second was Big Daddy he's 2500 miles away. The Third, Krammity-Jane she's here but really only accessible by phone. Fourth, was Squasha yeah just moved from Qatar to Zurich, but yeah there's a big pond in between. Fifth, was Narkash, he's in D.C. not exactly close. The sixth? Well they were a maybe depending on the day, sort which is one of my ex's who is in Delaware.

So yeah.. real close friends there. Except for the Man all of them are a minimum of an hour away.

I was talking to my dad on the phone earlier this evening and was half joking with him about how I wasn't exactly sure why I signed on to start selling Avon when I really am not good at talking to people. He told me to not talk to the people and instead talk about the products, I get that but it would still be talking to people about the products.

Don't get me wrong I do like talking to people but I like talking to those whom I choose to talk to. I know probably snobbish or what not but *shrugs*

I like my little cave that I live in and bringing those I like into it on occasion and then closing the door behind them again when they've left my cave.

I'm fairly anti-social and generally when I do make friends like the 6 I have, they tend to be fairly anti-social themselves.


Oh well.. I'll stop wondering what's wrong with me and wondering why others don't want to know me better or come and have coffee and hang out with me and just stick to my little group of people that are dear to me.