'Cause all of my demons have withered away...Demons, withered away...You'll understand when you go my way...

Somedays...like today... I just lay back and think...

I was sitting here on the futon in the temple, I had just finished an almost two hour workout, the Manchild and I had set up camp in here to get away from the distractions in the living room, namely the Boychild watching Yu-Gi-Oh, so that he could work on an assignment his father gave him to do and I'm writing a couple of papers... I realized I hadn't taken any time since I was rudely awakened by the phone to just sit and be. Sounds crazy I'm sure but I like a few moments of solitude when I first wake up in the morning and to say hello to the day.
So I just laid back and closed my eyes, and when I did I just let random thoughts go swirling about in my head as I just laid there breathing and listening to the music playing and the Manchild writing his paper.

I started thinking about the people in my life that I've deemed important... those I feel close too and those I wish to keep in my life... and those I may need to distance myself from...

I do this on occasion and especially when I feel as if those I wish to spend some time with don't wish to spend any with me... and I'm not talking about calling them once and them saying they're busy... I'm talking about those that when I call, never answer the phone, never return messages, not showing any interest in my life and what's happening in it, those that ask how you're doing and then cut ya off while you're answering because they obviously didn't care in the first place... ya know that type of behaviour that just gives you this feeling that there's either something wrong, or that they don't seem able to make the time to talk to you for five minutes...

Yeah so I was doing that... and whoa I realized that I have a really small circle of friends and even those that were in that close circle in November...their numbers have dwindled further... lost 3...though I gained 2...for now I suppose...we'll see how it goes...

I take stock... I don't find it weird but I suppose others may. I think back to what was going on in my life a year ago, and compare it to now and see if it's better, worse or stayed the same...and am I happy with that?
Then I decide if it's worth changing or if it'll change itself, or if it's worth the bother of saying or doing anything about it. nothing like taking inventory of yourself and your friends.

Does it seem to analytical? or too systematic? I don't know... maybe it does.

It boils down I guess to I trust who I trust and I don't trust those I don't... Trust isn't exactly a hot commodity these days so it's nice to find those people you can trust... even though after so many that you can't... it's just bloody amazing to be able to find it in yourself to trust someone with who you really are.

Another new adventure starting again...this time with Burton...hoping it turns out a lot better then the last couple.
Part of me is sighing and telling I'm stupid for doing this again. Another part is screaming at me that I'm a glutton for punishment. Another part is whispering that she's just another that's going to leave. Where as the majority among the rest are feeling pretty good about this. We'll definitely see though.
History has a tendency of either repeating itself or teaching some much needed lessons...we'll see how it works this time.

So I'll and work on some papers again and see what's what tomorrow when the Man is home.

But it was not your fault but mine, and it was your heart on the line...I really fucked it up this time, didn't I my dear.

I'm supposed to be typing up some write  up's that I should have done months ago. All the information is sitting next to me, computer is in front of me here on the futon (laptop/netbook) and yet I'm just sitting here... I'm listening to Mumford & Sons and screwin da pooch on the net... I'm tired.

I'm tired all the way down into my bones... I wish I could just close my eyes and sleep for weeks.

I'd up date about my workouts and how that's going.. but that's just boring reading material for anyone else.

Too much working over time of my brain and not enough really good sleep. Maybe the distractions that I've been dwelling on will be distracted by me actually getting some work done.

Hopefully.

Random Things That Went Through My Head Today...

Generally people don't really want to know how you are... they usually will ask 'How are you?' out of habit not because they actually care about how you are... usually they don't really want to hear it either if you start to tell them either...

Sometimes it's just really hard to get out of your own head.

I love showers... they are one of the few times that I do what some have suggested - just be in the moment every moment - there's something about a shower and bath that just... mmm I just can't even describe it... because if I tried it would end up turning all sensual and sexual and stuffs... only because that's the closest I can get to the description of it and how good it feels...

If I was made in God's image... God is one good looking, sarcastic, smart ass, pervert... I'm just saying.

I didn't realize that to step away from social sites means to step away from friends as well.

I thought I'd have until he was 16... I guess not... it starts already... I just hope that I can hold up and not take it personally when I get texts from him, I don't want to seem like the bad guy. I don't want to seem like the guilt-ing mom. He doesn't get it and right now because of his age, he doesn't care.

I hate being so tired that I start dozing in my chair.

Get All These Men Out Of My Dreams...

It's like remembering that there's cookies in the cupboard, go running out there only to find nothing there, the cookies are all gone.
That's the feeling I get sometimes... just that *gasp* oo oo ooo ... *groan and sigh*  - let down.

What really sucks ass is when you're in the midst of typing up a blog post and then your browser goes for a shit and you lose half the stuff you're working on because the auto save seems to fail you... *facepalms*

And I need to figure out why there was a big male reunion in my dreams last night... I mean not just Big Daddy and the Man... that's normal... but add in there Squasha, Iblis, Drunken Monkey, Narkash, Ooboo and Jersey... and just to make matters worse throw in my Dad... I was like what the fucking hell... I have no idea what was going... never found out why they were all there...


One of the things I despise is to not be given the chance to try to be there for someone when they're in need of mental/emotional support... it's like I end up making friends with only people who shut down and turn away instead when they're dealing with stuff.

I don't blame them, it's hard to trust people, it's just being an empath I can feel their depression and sadness/gloominess... and all I want to do is be there for them... sort of hard when only talking to them through a box... and I'm not going to get into the whole debate of you can't truly know people via the internet... because to me it's bull pocky...

My heart goes out to them...

Lying in this bed for hours 

 But I ain't sick don't send me flowers 

 You can heal me with your powers

 And I want you now 

How Long Is To Long To Care?

I think I'm done...

for those who know me and will read this ... the comments of  'it's about time' will probably come up...

The Drunken Monkey had come back into my life... as I've said in other posts he had apologized to me for being such a douchebaggy dick head all those years ago, asked if we could be friends (to which I responded with alright after his explanation of how he didn't have any left anymore)... I know I'm not the first person to be friends with their exes... I much prefer that to having hatred toward someone...



He's always had a bit of a drinking problem... hence his name... it used to be used to blow off steam.. but now it just seems like every time I'm talking to him he is so drunk and high on meds...I don't take the bullshit answer of it was because of having been in the military... yeah sure I know how the American military can really fuck up the men and women that end up naively signing up...

There's been a few times where he's told me that part of the reason he drinks is to deal with the pain and memories of his past and his past fuck ups... I get that... as someone who used to drink everyday to numb it all I understand it all to well... but there's a time when you have to stop, get through the pain of it all and get on with live and getting drunk on a couple bottles of vodka just isn't going to do it...

I have to keep from crying as I remember how he used to be and what it is that he's turned into... I complain to him that he only ever calls me when he's drunk and or stoned on his meds... but he assures me that the only time he drinks is the nights he calls me... I call shenanigans on that shit... then the other night he drunk skypes me and I again mention the drinking and how he needs to stop... and he tells me that when talking to me is when he feels like drinking... that I make him have the need to drink...

Tonight I'm in the midst of a normal conversation with someone else and all of a sudden up comes my skype and it's him... totally fucking wasted... talking to me about how he's started a vlog... he recorded 5 videos in one night... and you could see the progression... or I should say the digression from totally sober and funny, to drunk and dumb...

He's very charismatic... drunk or sober... could likely sell a freezer to an eskimo... I find my heart so heavy after talking/listening to his ramblings... and discussing his drinking again...it doesn't help that he seems to genuinely care about my opinion about everything except his drinking... I just want to cry...

And it has nothing to do with being in love with him or anything like that ... I know that I'm not anymore... I do care for him on some level or else I would so easily be able to turn my back on him and let him pickle himself...

it's like I have this ridiculous notion that I could help him...and I guess that's what saddens me the most...

I told him that if talking to me makes him feel the urges to drink then maybe I should just not talk to him anymore... then he'd have no reason to drink anymore... he just went into some rant about how the raspberry vodka he had tasted like shit so he was going to just guzzle that one but the cotton candy vodka he would sip because he actually liked the taste of it... didn't even hear what I had actually said...

*sighs*

I think I need to call him when he's sober and have a talk with him about no longer talking to him when he's been drinking... I'm tired of feeling sad and on the verge of crying after talking to him...