I had made a comment the other day about how I was envious of a friend of mine having the ability to go hang out with a group of friends and play games and just be themselves... now not paying to his hang ups about it I would say that's a pretty good deal... having a group of people who want to spend time with you playing a game... whether it's some long complicated game or just a game of cards...
I don't have that. I didn't realize I had wanted that until I saw this friend and a couple of others I know who get together with a group of friends to play games... a few that get together for rp'ing as well...
I was commenting to the Man last night that I feel like I always have to have the priestess switch on... my friends became my students and it's hard to walk that fine line of what you can talk to them about.
It all came together when I realized I wasn't able to talk to someone about what's been up in my personal life. Then my Krammit called me... and I pretty much updated her with everything since oh like April. And as I told her about some of the stuff I realized that I hadn't said anything about it to anyone else.
Now I'm not exactly one of those people who displays absolutely everything for the world to see, nor am I one of those people who doesn't need other people.
I've actually been accused of both which I find sort of laughable... I've been accused of being an attention whore who seeks the approval of everyone... and I've been accused of playing it to close to the vest and too private for it to be healthy.
I've come to the conclusion I'm different things to different people for a reason. To those that see me as an attention whore, it's their attention I'm looking for, it's their approval I seek. To those who see me as really private and fairly closed mouth, those are the people that I don't really care about their opinions.
And I suppose I should probably re-evaluate those who would call me an attention whore and see if they're really worth my attentions.
I've been talking to some who don't like where they are in their lives, I usually offer suggestions of what they can do or how I think they might be able to make it better. I think I'm going to try to stop doing that. No one fucking listens to me anyway.
I know that we all have to find our way, but when someone suggests something and you immediately push it aside and then 6 months down the road that's what they do and you watch it... it's fucking annoying.
The other thing has been those who tell me that their lives suck the way they are right now... my answer will always be 'then choose to make it different' ... it's your choice. One of my favourite quotes says...
Everything you now do is something you have chosen to do. Some people don't want to believe that. But if you're over age twenty-one, your life is what you're making of it. To change your life, you need to change your priorities.
- John C. Maxwell
It's just like the quote says if you're over 21 years old YOU are the one making your life.
Choices... they are magnificent things.
I choose to live the life I'm living, I chose the people in my life, I chose the men I love, I choose to stay in certain situations, I choose the lesser of two evils sometimes, I choose the high road on occasion, I even choose to be vindictive sometimes... I take responsibility for my own happinesses, I accept that I do self destructive things on occasion, I sometimes hate that I choose to ignore stuff that could make me happy, I dislike that I allow myself to be mean to myself.
I set a goal with my choices and generally stick to that goal... sometimes long term...sometimes short term... but I don't just react to something by choosing to placate another... my choices are generally over analyzed to death before I make them a goal...
I choose to be different not because I want to be different, because I am different.
Sometimes when your choice is entwined with another's choice and makes up a goal, it's best to check back once in awhile to make sure that you're still on the same page. It would definitely save on some heartache, some miscommunication and it would definitely help when it comes to making other decisions.
Changes and Choices... that's life. Everything comes down to choices and changes and not letting the fear of both of them stop you from getting what it is that you want, or need in your life.
Fear is so ugly. It's the cause of so many problems and yet needed as well to keep people in line.
Fear is one of the main causes of jealousy (anger is the other), it's one of the main hindrances in our lives. It prevents us from doing bad things because growing up we hear all the reasons to not do things... fear of the police, fear of hurting ourselves or others... generally it comes to those two fear of pain or trouble... and sometimes if we got in trouble there would be pain... so from that can we surmise that fear equals pain?
we fear getting close to those we love because we're afraid of getting our heart hurt by them... we fear changing ourselves for the better because of being afraid that we won't be accepted and again our choice causing heart ache...
I suppose that's also biased because looking at it from a point of view such as mine means that it would be tainted with emotion... So therefore anyone who relies on feelings and emotions would fear those sorts of things... because I'm the sort of person where if you walked up to me and broke my leg I could forgive and forget that...if you broke my heart eventually I could forgive but I would never forget.
I suppose I've blathered on long enough... I do have other things that I need to get done today besides to sit here listening to techno music and pondering life and real estate in the states...
Firefox plug-ins.
So about the picture to the left... I did it at this neat website someone told me about... I've never claimed to be an artist I usually end up doing strange abstract types of pictures when I paint or sketch... I do enjoy it though... and usually when I sit down to do a picture in whatever medium I tend to do sunsets, skies or mountain landscapes...
