I 'heart' Geek Boys.

I find that I'm learning more now out of curiosity then I ever learned at school.

It makes me stop and wonder why we have schools now sometimes but not enough to pull the kids out of school... because frankly I'm selfish like that. I like my day times being kid free.

However, seriously, I do more looking up of stuff on my computer then most would think. Just because someone mentioned 'The Manhattan Project' on television, to which I went hmm I think that dealt with Nuclear bomb research. But since I didn't really know very well I shrugged and looked it up. I find myself doing that more and more. Which may also be why it is that when people treat me like I don't know what I'm talking about it bothers me.

hmm... more later.

I know you can't tell but it is actually later now... a few hours later.

I'm sitting in a dark living room in pain and I just finished sharing a video online with some people and told them that this video sums up why it is that I have a thing for geeks.




Women want men who will love them, like Wil loves Anne. What they don't realize is that geeks will do that. The men that fall into the geek category are generally the sweetest most caring and loving men. They also have a fierce loyalty in them as well.

So smarten up ladies and go get yourself a geek.

The Perfect Man

Friend of mine stopped by to pick up her order today... while she was here she was telling me about how she was going to the gun range tonight. She explained that she had been feeling a bit on edge and needed to blow off some steam. She's returned and said that she thinks she's just found her new outlet for her anxiety...
I so badly wanted to tell her to take me with her.

I have this really strange relationship when it comes to firearms. (I say it like that so I won't get spanked about not knowing the difference between a rifle/handgun/pistol/wtfe)
I really don't like the idea of them, I don't find them a necessity of life like others (mainly Americans) do, and I really don't like the idea of them in the house.
And yet...
I really like firing them. I like it so much that it sort of scares me.
The Man took the two boys out while they were away this summer and was showing them how to fire a .22 that his step father has. They seemed to like it but didn't come home asking for one. (Thankfully)
I think I was about the Manchilds age when I first fired one, it to was a .22, when my mum and I were on vacation with family friends. She nearly had a shit fit when she found out. I was a pretty good shot too considering I had no idea what I was doing. I don't know how I'd do now though.
Really wouldn't mind finding out either. However, because of how much I liked it, I was thinking it best if I don't.
I doubt that I'll ever actually own a firearm, but would be nice to go to the range once in awhile.
*shrugs*

"The government needs to stay out of my bedroom and other peoples pants!"

The above quote is mine after reading about the whole circumcision thing going on in San Fran... and a nod to same sex marriages...

I am an odd person in so many ways and for the most part I embrace my oddities happily. It sets me apart from other people. It attracts others to me, I guess so they can scope me out and see why it is I'm different.

Like how cats slink up to babies to try to figure out what that smell is and why is it making all that noise.

I use that comparison for a good reason because generally most cats don't like most babies and after checking them out will generally leave them alone. Most people will act like the cat and I the baby I suppose.

After checking me out they'll generally stay at a distance. *laughs*

One such oddity that struck me as odd was I ran into a guy I was friends with when I worked at the call centre and as we're standing there catching up for a few moments in the dairy aisle with his gf standing off to the side the thought that seemed quite strange to me that popped up a couple of times was 'it's really too bad I didn't sleep with him'

I mean... really?? come on!

That's not the sort of thing you're supposed to be standing there thinking when talking to someone. Or... maybe that happens to more people then come out and admit to stuff like that.

There's so much stuff that bobs around in my head that if I was to say it people would probably think me a bigger perv then they already do.

That's not exactly something I want out there.

As I said in my other post about the silent time I did... I have those filters that everyone has the ones that tell you what you can and can't say in public or to peoples faces. They were in high gear during that 24 hr period of silence, as it constantly reminded me that I couldn't say anything.

So since I wasn't saying anything out loud it made me realize how much I do tend to say... and how odd some of the stuff that goes through my mind is. And just how sexually based I am. I'm not ashamed of that, I just found it odd.

I'm so sexually based in my life that if I have a dream at night that doesn't involve sex, I find that really strange and take notice of them to see what it is they might be trying to tell me.

I had an odd dream last night there was sex involved in, but the fact that it involved Squasha that really caught me off guard. Probably because there was some woman in my dream that I have no idea who she was who was talking to me about him and he was in some sort of rowing marathon and omg yeah it was really strange.

I can't even remember the rest of it but holy hell it was a crazy dream.

I went to bed in such pain last night. I really do hate doctors, not them as people. It's just it seems whenever I have pain from one thing or another they put me into even more pain trying to figure out what's wrong with me. It's not fun.

On the same note I have a dentist appointment next week. OMG... not looking forward to that... but I'm sick of my tooth  hurting every time I eat something sweet. So after having a dream about me pulling out something lodged in my gums and revealing a huge hole that you could see the roots of my teeth and through to the inside of my mouth... oh yeah that was a nightmare... yeah so after that I woke up looked at the Man and grumbled to him to make me a dentist appointment.

Oh and a third on that same note... had the optical place give us a call and tell me it was time for us to come in and have our eyes checked because it's apparently been 2 years since we were there for our glasses.

While I'm at it I should just find out when my last physical was. oy vey I tell ya.

So last night I made a trek up to Hamilton with someone I barely know, to a Pub I've never been to,  to be with a bunch of people I don't know, to hear an author I hadn't heard of before...

right...

Why, you ask? Because I've been invited several times to go to the Hammertown pagan pub moot and I never get a chance to. So when I got this months invite I posted on their page that if someone was heading up from this part of the Region then I would love to go. Again you ask... why? Because I saw the name of the book that was being flogged at the moot and was drawn to it. I want this book really bad. I've thrown it up onto my wish list on amazon because unfortunately as I said in my last post from earlier I didn't get a chance to buy it last night due to lack of funds because of finding the best fucking deep fried dill pickles I've ever had.

And seriously I've looked everywhere I go for deep fried pickles.

I feel strangely connected to this author and it's quite odd. As soon as I figure out what the draw to the author is I'll let you know... it would be nice to know.
And I'm sure Big Daddy will be glad to know that it's not that I wish to "collect" him.

Love ya Big Daddy :P

Don't worry. I do not collect people. I do not have a roster. I barely have five friends.

Not sure how that's a collection. *winks* love you Big Daddy.

I keep getting distracted from this post for some reason... either I'm typing along and then suddenly I'll just flip to one of my other tabs and fiddle around with myb or fb or twitter or other blogs... it's not even like I'm looking for inspiration to write something... it's not necessary especially since those who get this delivered to their inboxes are going to quirk an eyebrow at getting a second post from me in one day...

I'm trying to sort through the other stuff in my head, now that I've taken an ibuprofen and it hurts less, to figure out what exactly it is I wanted to say and how I want to say it...

Christmas is coming. I'm truly hoping that I don't get stressed out about making sure I have the right gifts for the kids and the Men. One of the traditions in our house is that everyone has to make at least one present for the others in the family. That gift is given to each other on Yule when we do our ritual to welcome back the birth of the sun... yes Sun not Son.
I've asked for my mother's help this year. I've asked that she take each one of the kids out to the craft store so that they can pick out the project they'd like to do for the other. She's agreed, so I'm really glad about that.

I have morbid thoughts. I believe we've covered that numerous times already. However, I'm saying it again for good measure and because I'm about to give another example of how/why that is true.

I have memorized birthmarks on the kids and the Man, should I ever have to identify their bodies. Every time the kids leave my sight to go somewhere I try to memorize what they were wearing in case I have to give their descriptions to the police. Along with that, when walking down the street I try to remember details about people again, in case I have to give a description to the police.

yeah... just another reason I'm odd....

I'm putting together a womens overnight for people who barely know me, and probably couldn't care less if I am there.

I chatted with Nark about this today and tried to figure out why it is that I've decided to put this together for them. I'm still not sure, because I know the reason he came up with can't be accurate... he said something about me being kind and generous or a nice person or some such like that.
I dunno I just feel like these people that I'm doing it for aren't real friends... I hear myself refer to them as 'a friend' in conversation with others but really in my mind I can't help but think if I needed to cry about something and get some emotional comforting they just wouldn't be there.

Yet I feel like I could with one of my ex's... if that doesn't sound just slightly fucked up.

I couldn't pick up my phone and call them when I was going through something emotional two and a half months ago, but ended up talking it over with my ex in the wee hours of the morning.

I dunno... if I figure out why I'm doing this I'm sure I'll let you know about it.

Oh and I just can't hold it in anymore... Anna why are you still coming here? o.O I would actually prefer you to not come here. I can just imagine the conversations you're having behind my back now.

Loneliness and Revelation: A Study Of The Sacred

Loneliness isn't something I want to conquer or vanquish... it's more something I'd like to understand and get to know better. Not saying that I want loneliness in my life so that I can understand it. Rather I'd like to better understand it without having to deal with it. That's a pipe dream for me.

Loneliness and Depression sort of walk hand in hand. When you're depressed you feel like no other human being in the world could possibly understand how you feel and everything they say to try to 'cheer you up' comes across sounding harsh, too cheery, non-understanding, and many other things that they really don't mean. It seems like you'll never be able to wake up happy again, of course depending on the level of depression at the time.

Depression comes from Loneliness and Loneliness comes from Depression... the two can really get people caught up in a vicious cycle that could be quite detrimental to ones life.

A lot of times for myself personally it's a case that I get to feeling depressed and that leaves me feeling quite lonely.

I went to a Pub Moot last night and I'm sure that it was because of the author that was there and his book as to why it's even going through my mind today... though I felt a strange connection to this guys book before I ever met him. The title of it is Loneliness and Revelation: A study of the sacred (by Brendan Myers) and that caught my attention right off the bat.

I think part of the reason I wanted to get into the different psychology courses and became a counsellor/therapist is because I wanted to better understand the human condition and find ways that I could help people cope with things that brought them to the state of depression/loneliness two of the major components that I've found that lead to drugs use/alcoholism.

Watching shows like Hoarders/Intervention you pick up that generally the underlying factor for the problem that they're dealing with tends to be either depression or loneliness and that one or the other was a catalyst for the other one and that it was a spiral.

A lot of people don't want to admit when they're depressed or lonely. Why? Well because they think it makes them look weak, and too many people do look at depression or loneliness as a weakness.

I admit that I get both. I get so lonely and so depressed at times that I want to lock myself away from people. In the back of my mind when I'm feeling that way I generally have my own voice in my head that tells me that what I'm doing is wrong and that I need to just get over it and buck up. I generally can talk myself out of a funk, however I need that few days or so to do that. I don't need or actually like when, people telling me to cheer up, telling me that everything will be ok, or that there is a silver lining. I actually don't want anyone to say anything, I just want to work it out myself.

I tried medications and they're not for me. I didn't like the way they made me feel physically and truthfully I just felt foggy in my brain. So now I just work it out myself through other means. I understand that's not for everyone and I'm not going to knock those who take medications. I will knock those who turn to destructive behaviours, because I have been there as well and they're not as helpful as they may seem.

There have been plenty of times that I've become friends with others just to find out that they suffer from depression and/or loneliness, after a little while of working on it with me they tend to wander off and I find myself wondering why it was they came into my life.

hrm... I got dizzy and lost my train of thought so I guess I'll have to continue this thought later...

Tell me, Mr. Anderson... what good is a phone call... if you're unable to speak?

So...

I took part in a vow of silence for 24 hrs it was to raise awareness for children of the world in impoverished conditions... interesting idea. Take a vow of silence so that you can raise awareness to those who can't speak for themselves.

But really when it came right down to it I wanted to do it for more then just showing solidarity with Krammit's oldest who also partook, it was also a 'let's see if I can do this' sort of thing as well.

In 24 hrs from noon on Friday until noon on Saturday (today) I was to spend the time without talking. Now let's put this into perspective... if had of happened during the week that would have been easy peasy ... but being on a Friday to a Saturday... that was tough.

I warned the kids that I would be doing this... and I even told my Mum and my sister. They of course laughed and said I wouldn't be able to do it.

Friday was a half day at school for the kids so that meant that they were home just after noon. The Manchild was brought here early by my Mum, who had forgotten about the silence I was doing. It was interesting trying to pass a note to her to tell her what we were doing and why, especially since she didn't have her glasses with her.
Then she dropped us off at the Service Canada Centre where I was taking the Manchild to get his SIN number, we all went so that the Man could do the talking for me. The lady that was filling out the information for us on her computer seemed strangely impressed at the fact that I was partaking in a vow of silence. The Man told her about it so that he could go ahead and answer the questions she needed to ask me to fill out the form. Then we went to lunch at the nearby diner where again I was writing down on a piece of paper what I wanted so that the Man could order it for me.
Have you ever tried to reprimand your children via a pad and pen? Not exactly easy as I tried to do that when we were finishing our lunch and the Man walked over to the bank.
Got home that evening and we decided to cash in on my not being able to talk... did we watch tv? or a movie? something where everyone needed to be quiet? Nope... we decided to play Charades.
Oy vey I tell ya.

I will admit though when at home when I was on the computer I had a notepad open with the font to really big so that I could tap on my desk to get whomevers attention and they could read it off the screen. Thank the Gods for the 22" screen.

I do confess that out of the 24 hrs I only messed up twice and said something. I said the Boychilds' name to get his attention mostly out of habit and without realizing until seeing all the surprised faces. Then the second time I was sitting next to the Man while watching Criminal Minds, and it was coming up to a line in the show that I had seen in a few previews and I had wanted him to hear it, but didn't have time to write it down and didn't even think to hit him on the arm and point at the tv. However, again before I realized I was doing it I was like 'oh hey watch this' to which I turned and looked at him and he was looking at me with my eyebrows raised. I was like... oops.

Most people that know me, know that one thing I can do is get on a good tangent or rant so I think two mistakes out of 24 hrs of constant commentary running through my mind followed by a 'you can't say that', especially a quip or two after something was said, wasn't too shabby in the least.

The time I spent being silent also made me realize that people spend a lot of time talking. I know that might sound weird but really, they do. Whether their just uncomfortable with silence or insecure or what not... People talk, a lot.

I made a quip on my Twitter I believe it was that I was almost at the end of my 24 hours and I think that my first words when done were going to be 'Could you please shut up!'

It gave me a bit of insight as I just sort of sat and watched. Like, even though the woman was asking the Man the questions about me, as soon as she found out that I wouldn't say anything to her, it was like I wasn't there anymore.

Is that what happens? The quiet people don't really get acknowledged?

There's two people that I care for very much in my life that when talking to them or with them I end up making a comment akin to 'Why so quiet?' I don't think I'll ask them that anymore.

What was slightly helpful is I woke up on Friday with a sore throat, not sure why, but it was really sore, so the two times that I did say something I regretted it because it hurt. I still have a sore throat now, and it's accompanied with a sinus headache but I've been talking the latter half of today quietly probably because my head hurts so bad.

I enjoyed my 24 hrs of silence. It gave me a chance to check to see if the stuff that comes out of my mouth on a regular basis is really worth the energy spent on saying it.

Is the world a better place because I make a sarcastic comment? is it a brighter place because I lol'd? does anyone really care when I say something about liking something?

I've come to the conclusion that... no... not really at all.

Onto a completely different topic now.

The Boychild hates it when we go through his toys and tell him it's time to get rid of some. He doesn't want to get rid of them, he loves them they are his and so therefore he doesn't want to get rid of them.

I understand this completely. We don't have much but what we do have we like and want to keep.

However, his ideas are very close to being hoarder-ish.

it dawned on me while I was sitting here a few moments ago that I blame this on Toy Story...

yes... I said that

I blame Walt Disney and Pixar and the movie Toy Story (1, 2 & 3) for giving my child a hoarder mentality.

Ok not completely but it makes sense.

Millions of children watch the Toy Story movies and suddenly don't want to get rid of their toys when they need/have to because they think their toys have feelings and that those feelings will be hurt if he throws them away or donates them to charity.

Makes sense doesn't it?

What's the one thing Woody and the gang are always so worried about throughout those movies, beneath all those adventures and wacky stuff they get into in the movies the one main thing it always comes back to is that they're worried about not being played with again, not seeing their owner ever again, being put away in the attic... see the theme.

Toy Story is feeding into the hoarder mindset.


Crazy isn't it?

I Love That Warm Creamy Stuff On My Face...

I've come to the conclusion that I'm old.

It is official... no I didn't have another birthday go by... or find any grey hair... which since I'm not quite sure what my natural hair colour is anymore so I'm hoping the grey's will be just as confused...

I've come to the conclusion that I'm old because I now have a night time before bed routine... yes it's a facial treatment... with scrubs, and toner pads, and treatments and moisturizing... *hangs head*

I mean my face has been looking and feeling great... don't get me wrong... it's just... I used to make fun of my Mum for doing all those things and smelling weird before going to bed...

and then I got to thinking...

if I go through all that to get my face all clean and lovely and moisturized before bed and then have sex... should I re-wash my face afterward? or should it still be ok?

they don't tell you those kinds of things when you buy these things...

On another note... yet still under the category of Health & Beauty

The Man let me paint his nails... I was supposed to do his toenails this evening but I figured I'd let him off the hook... *giggles* maybe tomorrow...
I was bored while we were sitting there watching TV the other night and said 'Can I paint your nails?' he just sorta shrugged and said 'Ok'

He did say I wasn't allowed to paint them the Cotton Candy Pink though... had to do the manly colour of Blackest Black... I giggled with the Boychild today that we'd do the pink on his toenails tonight...

What was great about the whole thing was that we had forgotten until later last night before bed that we had to go in for a parent teacher interview today. I couldn't help but snicker a little.

So in we went, him with his black nails and me with my Sapphire Blue nails... his teacher (a man btw) didn't even bat an eye... the ladies downstairs at the used book and movie sale though couldn't help but quirk their brows at him... and to add to my amusement, I signed him up to be on the parent council...

Also under Health & Beauty...

I've not been able to breathe very well lately, chest has been hurting real bad and been having a few dizzy spells that I can't really figure out why.

If we want to fully experience love and belonging, we must believe that we are worthy of love and belonging.

(CNN) -- The quest for perfection is exhausting and unrelenting, but as hard as we try, we can't turn off the tapes that fill our heads with messages like "Never good enough" and "What will people think?"

Why, when we know that there's no such thing as perfect, do most of us spend an incredible amount of time and energy trying to be everything to everyone? Is it that we really admire perfection? No -- the truth is that we are actually drawn to people who are real and down-to-earth. We love authenticity and we know that life is messy and imperfect.

We get sucked into perfection for one very simple reason: We believe perfection will protect us. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame.

We all need to feel worthy of love and belonging, and our worthiness is on the line when we feel like we are never ___ enough (you can fill in the blank: thin, beautiful, smart, extraordinary, talented, popular, promoted, admired, accomplished).

Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be our best. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth; it's a shield. Perfectionism is a 20-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it's the thing that's really preventing us from being seen and taking flight.

Living in a society that floods us with unattainable expectations around every topic imaginable, from how much we should weigh to how many times a week we should be having sex, putting down the perfection shield is scary. Finding the courage, compassion and connection to move from "What will people think?" to "I am enough," is not easy. But however afraid we are of change, the question that we must ultimately answer is this:

What's the greater risk? Letting go of what people think -- or letting go of how I feel, what I believe, and who I am?

So, how do we cultivate the courage, compassion, and connection that we need to embrace our imperfections and to recognize that we are enough -- that we are worthy of love, belonging, and joy? Why we're all so afraid to let our true selves be seen and known. Why are we so paralyzed by what other people think? After studying vulnerability, shame, and authenticity for the past decade, here's what I've learned.

A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all people. We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong. When those needs are not met, we don't function as we were meant to. We break. We fall apart. We numb. We ache. We hurt others. We get sick.

There are certainly other causes of illness, numbing, and hurt, but the absence of love and belonging will always lead to suffering.

As I conducted my research interviews, I realized that only one thing separated the men and women who felt a deep sense of love and belonging from the people who seem to be struggling for it. That one thing is the belief in their worthiness. It's as simple and complicated as this:

If we want to fully experience love and belonging, we must believe that we are worthy of love and belonging.

The greatest challenge for most of us is believing that we are worthy now, right this minute. Worthiness doesn't have prerequisites.

So many of us have created a long list of worthiness prerequisites:

• I'll be worthy when I lose 20 pounds

• I'll be worthy if I can get pregnant

• I'll be worthy if I get/stay sober

• I'll be worthy if everyone thinks I'm a good parent

• I'll be worthy if I can hold my marriage together

• I'll be worthy when I make partner

• I'll be worthy when my parents finally approve

• I'll be worthy when I can do it all and look like I'm not even trying

Here's what is truly at the heart of whole-heartedness: Worthy now. Not if. Not when. We are worthy of love and belonging now. Right this minute. As is.

Letting go of our prerequisites for worthiness means making the long walk from "What will people think?" to "I am enough." But, like all great journeys, this walk starts with one step, and the first step in the Wholehearted journey is practicing courage.

The root of the word courage is cor -- the Latin word for heart. In one of its earliest forms, the word courage had a very different definition than it does today. Courage originally meant to speak one's mind by telling all one's heart.

Over time, this definition has changed, and, today, courage is more synonymous with being heroic. Heroics are important and we certainly need heroes, but I think we've lost touch with the idea that speaking honestly and openly about who we are, about what we're feeling, and about our experiences (good and bad) is the definition of courage.

Heroics are often about putting our life on the line. Courage is about putting our vulnerability on the line. If we want to live and love with our whole hearts and engage in the world from a place of worthiness, our first step is practicing the courage it takes to own our stories and tell the truth about who we are. It doesn't get braver than that.

Editor's note: Brené Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work. She has spent 10 years studying vulnerability, shame, authenticity and courage. She is the author of "The Gifts of Imperfection" (Hazelden) and has a blog on courage.

Keep Your Old Love Letters. Throw Away Your Old Bank Statements.

If I could offer you one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind, You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded but trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your like. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know, still don't.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: prices with rise - politicians will philander - you too will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one will run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

~Mary Schmich
Chicago Tribune

Things I Wonder

We all do it..

We all push away or with draw away from our friends when we end up finding someone that we really like, connect with, love or someone that we'd like to get to know better...

We want to get closer to that person and spend as much time with them as we possibly can... but why is it we withdraw from others?

It always makes me wonder... I'm not saying that I don't do it but that I notice it ... :)

after the night when i wake up i'll see what tomorrow brings

Beggin, beggin you... Put your loving hand out baby

I was asked out on a date.

alright wait let me start that again...

I'm on a few different networking sites... it's like people watching without actually having to get involved and those you're watching can't really see that you're watching... except on myYearbook.com

They have it so that you can actually see who has been to see your profile... little creepy sometimes... especially when you see some of the people that are checking you out.

One thing that has always fascinated me were the fact that human beings when sitting behind a computer start to lose their humanity... we lose our manners (if we ever had them) and we say shit to other people that would have had our parents beating the shit out of us, our grandparents rolling in the graves and wanting to come after us with wooden utensils... we say some of the most blunt, hurtful and seriously crude things to each other... if we don't like someone or the way they look we don't give them a second glance... if we think they're cute or handsome or something akin to that we (I'm lumping us all together in a collective WE) say some of the most crass and crude things...

I've had more complete strangers on the internet ask me about the most intimate things that happen in my bedroom then any of my friends ever have. They've asked me about my breast size, they've commented on how fat I am, how ugly I am and what my mom must look like and so on.

Why is it that we sit at our desks or on our couches and think that the words that are typed on the screen won't effect the person on the other side?

I don't just mean negatively either... I don't know about anyone else out there and I generally speak on my experiences or those that have been told to me... and it's not gender specific either... women are just as cruel as men and vice versa...

The words we type are just as hurtful, powerful and emotion triggering as those that we say out loud.

So it's interesting, gobsmacking, flabbergasting and incredible to watch people just shit on people over the webs... to see how cruel people can be when they're not held accountable...

I know you're probably wondering how in the hell we went from "I got asked out.." to this but don't worry you know me I'm full of hot air... so it'll take a few minutes...

So I generally get an inbox full of losers and assholes who send me a message, having never talked to me before or had any sort of conversation with them. Messages such as 'hw r u' <-- what the fuck is that? or 'How big are your titties there big mama?'

and various ways of asking that same question...

I don't even answer them anymore to tell them what assholes they are and I wish I knew their moms so that I could show them how disrespectful their sons are to women... it's a waste of my energy to do that over and over and over again in a day...

I give them a chance if they don't lead off with the drooling through text sound and seem like intelligent, respectful guys...

So I gave this guy, we'll call him Tom (ok like Krammit did, that is his actual name but seriously who cares), sends me a very nice respectful message saying hello, introducing himself, letting me know where abouts he's from and says he'd like to get to know me better.

So he and I correspond back and forth for a few days... by this time I've laid out the situation to him... told him about Big Daddy, told him about The Man... oh yeah the whole polyamory thing and how I'm not just cute but also a Mom... not hiding anything because generally it freaks them out and they never talk to me again. (on the flip side of that some of them then think I'm just around for sex and try to hit on me and fail miserably)

Not this guy... nope. He tells me that's fine and how he just wants to get to know me better and would even like one night to take me out and maybe have dinner and go to a movie. I tell him pretty much straight after that... that I'm not going to go out with him just so he can have sex with me. That's not what I do and that's not how this ... hmm how did Big Daddy put it... oh yeah... 'unorthodox' situation works... I'm not some whore or slut.

he says he's fine with that doesn't want me thinking it's for sex at all, he apparently just wants to get to know (and I quote) 'The most beautiful woman he's ever seen in his life' ... *blink blink* I really don't think he was looking at my pics...

Sooo... that brings us to tonight... I gave him my yahoo info and started talking to him away from myb and that's when it starts... sure it started off with regular conversation about how things are, how the weather is, what kind of movies do you like, favourite foods... and then... what are you wearing... do you like receiving oral... how big are your breasts... *sighs* and the like...

*shrugs* so ... I went from considering going on a date with this guy to not really thinking that's actually going to happen...

oh well... c'est la vie I suppose... now to go back to my people watching via the intertubes and letting the human race continue to shock me with their behaviours.

I'm not sure if the proper protocol is to wish people a 'Happy' Remembrance/Veterans day or not...

as it is I'm still really torn about how exactly I feel about the day at all... I know it's important to remember what happened and why this particular day... but I also know how I feel about wars in general...

It makes me want to absolutely cry when I see the shape of some of the soldiers when they come back nowadays... not that nowadays is any different then a hundred years ago... war just does really nasty things to people...

The men who have had to see it, witness it, take place in it... it breaks my heart and makes me cry to know... not even to know but to guess at what they've had to go through...

As I sit here and type this I'm thinking of just a couple of the things that Big Daddy told me and it makes me cry. (makes me miss him even more as well)

He left me with a piece of shrapnel that nearly got him while he was over seas... I look at it and think if it were just that much closer I would have never even gotten to meet him and I hate that thought.

Makes me also feel bad about yelling at him via a stupid email too the other day.

I hate war. I hate the political propaganda behind war. I hate what war does to the people who have to fight them. I know I probably sound like some sort of hippie or some shit but you know what... I'm human.

I miss you Big Daddy and I love you. And if no one else does today, I thank you for signing up to put yourself through that awful stuff.

Give me the money that has been spent in war and I will clothe every man, woman, and child in an attire of which kings and queens will be proud. I will build a schoolhouse in every valley over the whole earth. I will crown every hillside with a place of worship consecrated to peace. ~Charles Sumner


War does not determine who is right - only who is left. ~Bertrand Russell


It'll be a great day when education gets all the money it wants and the Air Force has to hold a bake sale to buy bombers. ~Author unknown, quoted in You Said a Mouthful edited by Ronald D. Fuchs


I dream of giving birth to a child who will ask, "Mother, what was war?" ~Eve Merriam


The release of atom power has changed everything except our way of thinking... the solution to this problem lies in the heart of mankind. If only I had known, I should have become a watchmaker. ~Albert Einstein


The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations. ~David Friedman


"There are no atheists in foxholes" isn't an argument against atheism, it's an argument against foxholes. ~James Morrow


Sometimes I think it should be a rule of war that you have to see somebody up close and get to know him before you can shoot him. ~M*A*S*H, Colonel Potter

It's Cool if she's Powerful but way Better if she's Cute...

There's been a few times this past couple of weeks where I've thought to myself that I really need to sit down and type... and to just empty my brain... because as most who really know me know... if I don't it bugs me and will build until it just sort of explodes... which it did... last night... all over an email to Big Daddy... most of the stuff that has sort of irked me for the last couple of months just sort of needed to get out rather then being thinly veiled here, it was quite blunt... oh well... questions that have been wanting to be answered that probably still won't get answered...

There's have been a few things that have gone on or are going on...

The Boychild has been tested and it's been found out that even though he's a friggin genius he has a learning disability. So we had another meeting at the school to get him all set up with an educational plan... pretty much it says that if he needs help with something then he can go get help from the Resource Teacher... and then had another meeting last week this time with a Registered Nurse from the Ministry of Health who works with the Ministry of Education and we talked with her about getting him some Occupational Therapy for his fine motor control issues...

So he's on 'the list' for that... *nods* when he'll have an OT come talk to him...we have no idea could be even next year. Oh yay.

I got into a bit of an argument... I suppose it was an argument with nails... that wasn't fun. I just started questioning why it is when it's voting time is it that everyone seems to pop up on voting day telling everyone that they've voted. It's a legit question... I didn't just see it with the Americans who voted like 2 or 3 weeks after us Canadians.. but also here at home. On people's Facebook status msgs, myYearbook, Twitter, Plurk... everywhere people logging on just to say 'I voted!'

Like seriously? are they expecting a medal of some sort?

Anyway... I compared the act of voting to the act of voiding ones bowels and some seem to take offense to that.

Unless they are seriously hindered or a child you never see someone saying 'I Pooped!' so what's it matter.

Then of course I went into another tangent elsewhere about people telling other people to vote.

The whole tangent was pretty much how Life is about choices and one of those choices until the government takes it away is the friggin right to vote so don't tell me to vote, if I want to I will but not because I was coerced to by peer pressure. As a matter of fact I'm more likely to Not vote because people sit there and tell me to.

Then there were others that tried to say that people had no right to complain who was voted in if they don't vote... sure they do. I mean they'll look like uneducated imbeciles but they still have the right to complain. Everyone has the right to complain, if that's what they choose to do.

If I choose to blow up about the shit that's bothering me and complain in an email late at night, that's my choice. You'll find that applies to all aspects of life.

I hate when people use the excuse 'I had no choice' ... there is always a choice.

So before that I had been talking to Nark about how he seems to be MIA a lot lately... to which he responded with that he had been a really sucky friend and how even the person he had a crush on didn't even want to talk to him anymore and a bunch of other stuff... he seemed slightly surprised when I told him to get back to me when he wishes to be friends again.

It's generally during the dark times that I could use my friends and that seems to be when they're MIA... maybe that's just what I have to do is deal with the dark times by myself.

And I don't mean dark times as in getting all down and depressed. The dark times are from October 31 to December 21 of every year. It's where a lot of introspection is done.

hrm... maybe I subconsciously push people away... and then get upset when they're not there and apparently don't acknowledge those who are here... that's me... never happy I suppose.

must stop trying and just start doing...

There's more.. lots more... but I just don't feeling like typing it all right now.