Attention Whore or Puddy Tat...

I need attention...

most people in my life already know this.. I know it was something that Big Daddy had brought up before... and how it was that he didn't think he could pay me the attention it is that I seem to need...

I've always believed that I'm not high maintenance... because I'm fairly easy going I don't expect to be going to get mani's and pedi's every week, or go shopping at high end stores, or need to drink a particular brand of sparkling water out of a particular style of glass...

I'm fairly laid back... at least I thought I was... lol

Big Daddy says that I'm like a cat... fairly aloof unless I'm looking for lovin's and then I'll crawl all over ya and get in your face...

mind you I don't go so far as to stick my ass in your face...

The problem with being like this... is if I'm at the point where I'm crawling all up on ya looking for attention and don't get it... I get this deep feeling of rejection that tugs at my self esteem.

I need to figure out a way to keep from feeling like I'm being rejected. Or at least not have it cut me so deep.

My Breasts Are Not Puppies, I Smile Just Enough...

Ok so that title has been sitting up there at the top of that page for like two days now...

Some dude saw a pic of me and his response was 'Nice puppies' when he saw what very little of my cleavage could be seen... yeah... went off on him... srsly? Puppies? *shakes head*

and lately people have been telling me to smile more or that they think I should smile more... like I'm some sort of trained monkey who just smiles on command for no reason...I've said it before and I'll say it again... I have a naturally sad look on my face when not smiling... but that doesn't mean that I'm actually sad...

and I dislike telling people about the pain I'm in everyday just to have them asking me.. so is the pain gone today? ...um no motherfucker! I have chronic pain... generally means that I'm in pain every fucking day... ass hats..

day two of this blog... lol

Ok I just finished my workout for the day... and I'm a little surprised... did my half hour of yoga and strength exercises...then did a half an hour of step... then did my 20 minutes of the EA Active with the resistance band and such... but... it was weird...(a nice weird) I finished my yoga and went into doing my step for a half an hour and because I listen to my music while doing it...the 30 minutes was over and I continued to dance to the song that was playing when I finished... it's like the 30 minutes didn't even phase me... lol
it was awesome...

what else is awesome you ask... well... I figured it out today that since The Man left on the 13th til today... I've lost another 2.5 kg... I shoulda known he makes me fat... lol just kidding... anyway... so needless to say today is not a bad Monday for me so far... however I'm going to go make some lunch before I finish this post...

Ok so I didn't come back to finish this post after lunch... I had my lunch... a lovely steamed fish and some stir-fried veggies ...talked with Krammit for a bit and then when I hung up... all hell broke lose... in my chest... had an episode that had be passing out on the couch until after the Boychild got home...

so here I am now after watching the Squeakquel with the Boychild...and having a mere half a sub for dinner...

much less then when Burton and I went out for dinner on Saturday...it was like a sushi fest in my tummy when I got home...

Yes I'm sure there will be other times when you hear about Burton...as I had figured we clicked pretty well... we've known each other for awhile now, and she was one of the ones I was talking about in my posts about the women I spent the weekend with a couple of weeks ago... got a few things out in the open about a few things that apparently had been on both our minds... I'm hoping we can hang out more often...but I know that she has a bunch of friends that she tries to hang with... We went to one of the local sushi places that I hadn't been too...I think it's cheaper then the one I've been to before...

side bar - mad props to Squasha... for starting me on the sushi train...

So yeah... I really enjoyed myself.

I'm not sure if I mentioned Iblis over here before... he and I have been friends for just over a year over on mYb... yeah... have a had a few good conversations with him lately... not sure why I'm mentioning...was just thinking about it...

I've been really squee for the past few days... Big Daddy and I have talked about me coming to visit again... I cannot wait!! ... looks as though it might be in April... I'm keeping my fingers crossed and my squee under control until I know for sure... everyone else keep your fingers crossed as well... 

Srsly?

some online men just equal epic fail...

so in the same vein as some of Krammit's blog posts... here goes a real 'speshul' one... oh yeah...

Today at 12:13pm

Joe

We should make out some time lol

Today at 12:15pm

You

o.O - why?

Today at 12:16pm

Joe

Lol...why not? Hehe text me 3478601180

Today at 12:26pm

You

maybe because I don't just make out with random people...I have no idea who you are.. and I'm taken twice over... that's why not... so no I don't think I"ll be texting you...

This guy is a prime example of what a lot of women will run into on the internet.... Joe... name not changed nor has the number... so if you are a 'speshul' kinda gal who wants to text Joe, well go ahead, I'm sure he would love to hear from you...

And that really is the entirety of the conversation... that was his ice-breaking approach to me... *shakes head*

I Think We're Alone Now, There Doesn't Seem To Be Anyone Around...

I'm frustrated.

I think that's evident with the snippet of a post I did last night.

Do you know what it's like to actually need someone in your life? ~ House

I've gotten really depressed.

anyone who knows me knows that, that is not the easiest thing for me to admit...

we all have our ups and downs...I admit to my down days but without them I can't enjoy the ups, right?
I never liked being on anti-depressants they made every day the same there was no downs but there was also no ups... and I hated feeling the same emotion when I was at the grocery store buying dish soap as I did when I would have an orgasm...

I didn't like walking around with a cloud in my head... it just didn't feel right.

I knew February was going to be bad... even gave warning... even asked for help... I wasn't anticipating having to spend the month by myself... The Boychild is here and the Manchild has been coming on the weekends... but I'm still alone. I take care of them and make sure they have what they need and we even play together and watch movies together... But they're still kids.

My two confidants aren't here...in any capacity. Generally, one is here and one is a phone call away... now the one isn't here and the other doesn't appear to be a phone call away for the last couple of weeks.

I've been feeling so alone.

The last week has been more horrible then it has been good... I've had a couple of good days... but generally... not so much.

I had some upset on Thursday that left me crying on the phone with the Man at 1:30 in the morning... I ended up sending Big Daddy a message while he was at work asking for a sweet message, he obliged which lifted my spirits because after I got off the phone with the Man I found myself bawling while I was trying to wash my face. I'm glad he sent me a couple texts. I was able to calm myself down and was able to get to sleep...I woke up and felt better on Friday which was good because I was heading out of town for Friday night and spending the night and all day Saturday with 5 other women.  I had a good time with them.

I feel like I'm lacking... big time.

Today was a bit of a slap like Thursday was... and here's why.

Thursday I found out that the Manchild's father bought him a brand new expensive laptop as a birthday present... I cried... why? because I could never get him something like that. Not that I don't want to, just I can't afford it.
Today... it was the Manchild's birthday... my mother bought him a brand new digital camera...

I know it's not a competition... but.. I can't compete.

His father has given him a laptop, allowed him his cell phone, bought him his Zune, a 30" flat screen TV and PS3 and pretty much any video game he wants when it first comes out.

Which I think is why he's never really wanted to come and live with me. It makes me feel horrible. Makes me feel worthless. It was after finding out about this and seeing how much it had affected me on Thursday that I realized it was more then just being down about Feb 14th and that I've just become depressed.

I don't trust the people who have offered to be  there for me... some with good reason... some only because I'm gun-shy about talking to women anymore.

You tell a man about something that's bothering you... they don't tell anyone. They pack it away in the box in their brains labelled 'someone elses crap' and then go on their way. Women's brains don't work like that... they're constantly thinking about stuff and seeing how stuff relates to other stuff. So when they end up talking to others if they see something in the conversation that relates to something you've told them, they'll pass it on as a tidbit of either advice or what not to do or to make themselves look or feel better...
Most men don't really seem judgmental, mind you with men they tend to want to take action... with me...I need them to take action I just need them to listen, acknowledge, make a statement and maybe ask a question... that's it... *shrugs*

I know I don't have many friends... I have 5. 5 that I counted as my close friends... 1 last week told me that they thought our friendship had turned 'fragile' (not sure how or what they mean)... 1 doesn't tend to talk to me too much unless he's coming to the country... 1 is 6 hours away helping his mom... and 1 is barely talking to me for some reason... the last one... she's got her own stuff to deal with that she doesn't need to hear about my complaining all the time.
So it's no wonder I've been feeling alone.

The 5 women I was with this past weekend... 1 I barely know and is more of a friend of a friend... 2 of them are really good friends with each other and I don't know them very well only about a year or two... the other 2...well I've had issues with them in the past and I'm not ready to trust them fully as of yet again.

I'm sure that this post has already gone on and on enough... and I know that there are other things that I'd like to say but I'm feeling really drained now and I'm not sure if I added anything else if it would make much sense.

I need to get everything ready before I have to take the Boychild to school in the morning.

Too Frustrated to Even Come Up with A Title...

This last week has had it's ups and it's downs...

to try to explain all of them would be very hard.. and really long...

I've cried more this past week then I have this year.

being rejected is never fun and yet I seem to go back for more...

It's been a lot harder this time with the Man being gone... sure I talk to him on a regular basis but with not knowing when it is that he'll be home it's been tough... and Big Daddy not being there either just doesn't help matters on that front...

instead of a single mom with a 1 year old... I'm now a single mom with two growing boys of 14 and 9 years old... yeah we have fun times but they don't exactly want to hug their mom... and I've been trying to keep that I'm upset away from them...

forget it... I don't have it in me to finish this post...

and now it's time to go turn the bed on...

I need to reprogram my brain...so that after 9pm instead of wanting snacks it wants me to work out...

how awesome would that be at this moment... well not at this moment since it's almost midnight ergo almost bed time...

I'm still using my wii fit but I just started today with EA Active... I'm loving it already... I use the wii fit to warm up and the Active to work up a nice sweat...

last week I got on the balance board and it told me that from one weigh in to another I had lost 2.2 kg... could have knocked me over with a feather...

I've also decided to change my diet a bit...I've decided to go for a more low carb/high protein ... no swallowing jokes...

10-10-10 Before going back to a real workout

So yeah... fun times...

anytime I'm hungry after meals and any time I'm feeling depressed... I'm gonna workout... I figure I'll drop 50lbs pretty quick...

and I think they should change 'Go Fuck Yourself Day' from the 13th of Feb to the 14th... I'm just sayin... everyone got their mooshy all over me and I just wanted to tell them all to go fuck themselves...

let's see how it all goes

Announcement Time!!

Well it's official... and I thought that the blog should be the third to know...


I'm back on birth control.


um... that's about it...that's all I've got this time.

Cheers to a Good Day..

it's really frustrating this whole trying to lose weight thing...

I shared my frustration with my aunt this past weekend and she shared some tips with me... over the last year she's lost nearly 60 lbs... she's offered to loan me one of the programs that she used in the beginning in conjunction with the wii fit...

So I think I may add it to the work out regime that I've already got going...

also this whole not eating after 10pm is a lot harder then I ever thought it was going to be... I was going to start by not eating anything after 10pm...and then after awhile not eating anything after 9pm... and so on until I'm not eating anything else after dinner... however... I've not made it a whole week of not actually eating after 10 pm and I've been trying for a few weeks now...

it's no wonder I've gotten fat... I have no willpower...

blah... Next!

so I got up when the Boychild had to go to school and walked downtown with the Man and filed for my EDL today... (EDL aka Enhanced Drivers License) so in about two weeks or so I'll be able to cross the border again.. it's not my passport but it's something... just means I can go into the states... but no vacations off to Cuba....

I hope the picture on this one is going to be as good as the last one... I really liked the photo on that license.

Next!

I've been working on a couple of workshops for an upcoming weekend... it's a Womens Workshop Weekend... I'll be running the Music in Rituals workshop... jointly running the How and When to Use Meditations in Ritual...and then I'll be facilitating the closing ritual of the weekend... if I do say so myself it's going to be a fucking awesome ritual... though it won't be for newbs that's for sure...

the workshop is going to definitely be interesting... I'm jamming a weekend long workshop into an hour... oh yeah...I trimmed so much fat off of the regular workshop that this thing looks anorexic to me now...

Next!

oh I dunno what else to update about ... my head hurts I'm tired and yet I'm in good spirits... today was a good Monday...

Pika Pika!

ok so as I just posted as my status msg on FB...

Dear Body,
Please make up your mind, do we need 14 hours or 2 1/2 hours of sleep??
Srsly! make up our mind because this is fucking with my schedule.
kthxbinao

Yeah so to explain that... I went to bed at like 12:30am and was thinking 'oh yeah! gonna get a shit load of sleep'
because the last few nights I've not been able to sleep until 3, 4 sometimes even 5 or 6 in the morning and then sleeping in until nearly 3 o'clock in the afternoon... yeah talk about not getting anything done. I was waking up in time to make the Boychild some dinner.

So yeah I was excited when I went to bed at midnight... not nearly as excited though when I woke up... wide awake at 3am...

though in that time I had a dream that just solidified the fact that I would kill someone if I had to... long, really realistic dream/story....but anyway...

so there I was... (inside joke giggle)

laying next to the Man who is almost literally snoring his face off... anyone who knows me that unless it's music noise just bothers me... especially if it's an annoying noise when I'm trying to force myself to go back to sleep... btw his snoring.. yeah falls under annoying noises that make me want to punch a baby.

yeah so I got up out of bed and decided to grab my cell phone... and decided to record his snoring for about 5 minutes... so then because I'm a bitch sometimes... I woke him up and made him listen to it... *laughs* yeah I said I'm a bitch sometimes...

he apologized.

So I decided that I would make that my alarm on my phone... which I use when I'm away from home... I joked with him before he went to sleep that when I'm away with my sister I should turn it on as I crawl into bed...he chuckled and rolled over to go back to sleep

So here I am at 7 am... I've done most of my computer stuff, I've written a letter of appeal, I've done my work out... oh and had a conversation with Big Daddy!

that surprised me... I'm used to sending texts at various times of the day and not hearing back from him... but sent him one at 4 am and lo and behold there he was... complaining that I make it hard for him to brood... lol
isn't that sort of part of my job description? ;)

So I haven't really blarged too much lately because there's not been much to say... or there's been too much to say...
I miss my grandmama and when I was missing her lots and lots ended up making up a Hungarian dish for supper...  made me feel better... gotta love that sense of smell.
I used to walk into my grandma's house and wrinkle my nose at the smell of some sort of cabbage dish she was cooking... then I filled my own kitchen with a cabbage scent just to make it seem like she's around in a small way.

I need to go get my eyes tested again and probably get a new script for my glasses... I'm getting old.
Can't do that until June...blah.

I'm hungry... and the  Boychild just came downstairs to watch Pokemon before school... guess I'm off to make my breakfast and his lunch...