I just want to know today, know today, know today... Know that maybe I will be ok

Here I am... I'm back in Canada and at home again...which seems weird for me to say since I felt so very at home in Reno...

I got back to the house about 12 hours ago... sat and talked with the man for awhile before heading back to bed... I had gotten used to sleeping until late in the afternoon by both EST and PST standards...

I generally use this forum for my inner most thoughts and for a way for me to deal with the stuff in my head... sometimes to my detriment but still a good spot for me to just be me... that's likely what will be happening for the next few days at least...

I am feeling very disconnected at the moment. I'm glad to have gotten a bit of a transition period last night... I went from the airport to my aunt's house and then here... I'm glad it happened that way... I had that time when I was alone in the bedroom in the basement of their house to sit and just cry for hours... which I had been holding in from the moment I got up yesterday... while I cried I was able to talk (read as text) with both The Man and Big Daddy... I was able to freely admit to The Man that the last thing I wanted to do yesterday was to get on a plane and come back... he was half expecting me to tell him that I wasn't coming back... and it's not because I don't want to be with him or the kids or that I didn't in some way miss them all... it was because my time with Big Daddy is so precious due to the such short amount of time we have together and I was just not ready to leave yet...

which is why I think I'm still feeling kind of disconnected... the differences between the two 'homes' is huge... and I don't just mean the structures in which they are contained... here everything is cluttered and loud... there everything was so quiet and some what serene...

hell even when I'd get annoyed or upset at/with Big Daddy... it never lasted long... generally easily fixed with a hug... because it would just come into my mind 'you don't have enough time here with him to stay angry or upset'... so I just didn't...

The Man was nice enough to start talking to me about possibilities for going back... probably knew that I needed to know that it was an option... and that yes that's what I would be thinking about for the next while is how long do I have to wait before going back...

I'm hoping that since on Monday everything in his body language pretty much said 'I don't want you to go' that  Big Daddy wants me to come back soon...every moment I was there I enjoyed... even when it was just Circe and I hanging out and waiting for him to come home from work so that I could get a hug before going to bed...every morning rolling over and smiling as he laid there still sleeping...

I would just watch him or look at him at random times (especially while he was driving) and he'd turn and ask why I was staring at him...my answer was pretty much always 'because I can right now'... trying again to re-memorize the sound of his voice, his facial features, and so forth because of how long it is between times I get to see him... it's not like we video chat like we used to... or even talk on the phone very much (especially since he's fairly soft spoken and my phone sucks which leaves the conversation being - I sort of hear something, then say what was that?, and then he repeats it like twice)... most of our communications nowadays are through texts...and I get to see him when I look at pics of him... that of course were taken against his will...

I've said it before and I'll likely say it again... I love you just seems way to small...

So as you can see right now I'm still sort of stuck in Reno...that's where my head is at as well as my heart... I'll likely be a bit despondent... I'm not worried that I'll stay that way... though I am worried about how it will be handled at times... I'll likely be lost in the memories that I'll not share with any others... I'll smile or tear up at times that would seem really odd, or chuckle at what will seem like my own private joke...

I want to crawl into that little cave for awhile and stay there until I feel it's ok to poke my head out again...there will only be a small few who will be privy to my cave and I hope the others don't mind overly if they're not invited...

who knows maybe I'll be ok enough by my birthday... or maybe I won't be ok until the end of the dark times... all I know is that as long as I have them both I'll be alright...

So for now I'm living with a very odd and surreal feeling of being here but not quite being here... I think I got a little lost during transition...