"You're Not The Real Alfred!"

So I was pretty stressed the other night...

Drunken phone call with my father...my eldest (The Manchild) texting me to tell me he doesn't want to see me this weekend, all the crap on my mind about Big Daddy and The Man... when suddenly there's a yahoo msg that pops up from my ex...the Drunken one...I sighed and said hello and when he started asking about getting onto skype so that we could talk I told him that I just wasn't up for it... when he asked me what was wrong I told him... so he told me  that it sounded like I could use someone to talk too... I mean he was right I really could...and sometimes a third party does help me out...

so I finally got my laptop out and was talking to him on skype... he was trying to make me smile, which for the most part just wasn't working... so instead of going that route he got back to seriousness and we started talking about where my head was at...and he of all people was the one that got my head away from the knots and had me start thinking... which of course sounds weird but instead of thinking in the first place I realized that I was brooding... which to me is thinking without any real results...no changes get made from brooding...they get made from thinking...

he tried to simplify things for me... which his answer to everything is 'go and be happy wherever it is that makes you happy' ... which of course is what I would generally tell people as well... (he seems to think that I'm the female version of him....I dunno about that)

however what he doesn't take into account is the fact that... I have obligations and responsibilities here, he doesn't know Big Daddy at all...so can't really ever be sure what he would be up for, and life just isn't as cut and dry as 'Be Happy'...

so after strangely gaining some insight from him...I logged off and ended up starting to talk to the Man about the conversations I had been having that evening...told him about some insight I got from my father (on some non-related stuffs), the fact that my kid seems to think he can dictate to me what he's doing now instead of asking...and how really there's not anything I can do about it since he's in another city and doesn't give a flying fuck about what I have to say and pretty much just laughs at my parental attempts...and of course about the situation with him, myself and Big Daddy...

He, like the Drunken Ex, said over and over again he just wants me to be happy...which that I know...he said he knew I've been unhappy since I got home but wanted to know if I was happy here before I left... I'm always honest with him and said no...not exactly...there were moments of enjoyment... so of course his answer was as simple as the ex's...go be happy where you will be happy... the problem with all of this decision making about me being happy is...

if I decide I'm not happy here....I'm homeless...

no one really knows Big Daddy...not like I do...they've not had the conversations with him that I have...if I had decided that I'm happier with him and living in Reno....that doesn't mean at all that I'm just going to be able to pick up and move to Reno to be with him... and I'm not even talking about the logistics of the government issues or anything like... I'm talking about because of how Big Daddy would feel about the whole thing... I don't think he would want me there... which probably sounds a little weird since he loves me and misses me and enjoyed my company... but after conversations with him I get why it is that it would be that way...

so... if I were to really put things into perspective and come down with the decision that Big Daddy makes me happiest or I should say that is where I'm happiest... I pretty much would be saying... I want to be homeless...because I really don't think I'd be welcome in Reno...

*shrugs*

decisions, decisions...

good thing I'm not making any...yet