Not So Bah Humbug...?

Me decorating black tree with silver and blue ornaments

So those who know me well or even just those that pay attention to these ramblings of mine should know that this time of the year generally isn't a good one...

New Black Tree lit up

New Black Tree

With the whole Dark Times...and the winter blahs...and the dislike of Christmas...it all sort of starts to add up and take it's toll on me...and frankly I was worried because of ontop of the usual stuff, is also the fact that I'm dealing with not really having Bing even as a friend anymore...

However... I've been pleasantly surprised by the fact that...it hasn't been as bad as usual...I've managed to send out Christmas cards this year...I've actually gotten some Christmas shopping done for the boys...and been having some good times with some friends...
Now that's not to say I don't have any bad days... I obviously do...but...They've been easier to handle this year...

Green Tree decorated

Green Tree lit up

Heck the kids even talked me into not just putting up one tree...but two...*shakes head*

I ended up purchasing a new Christmas tree this year...a black one that already had lights attached to it...and was just going to put that one up...but after I got that one set up the boys asked about setting up our regular green one as well...*shrugs*

Why not we have the room...so me...the one who never has christmas spirit put two trees up in the same room...lol

Look At Me! I Can Stop!

Last Thursday I went to watch derby practice for a little bit and attend a quick meeting the league was having...after the meeting they announced that this practice was a 'fun skate' and there would hot chocolate and cookies to be shared... Burton asked if I could go home and get my skates so that I too could skate 'funly' around the hall...I could...so I ran home...changed ad got to skate with the league for the first time since I broke my ankle in June...I couldn't stop smiling...it was so awesome to skate with them again... and it was also so awesome the warm reception, encouragement and support that I got from everyone...

I need to stop chewing my mouth guard.

Some would slow down, skate with me and ask me how I was doing or how it felt or just tell me they were happy to see me on my skates again... some would zip past swat my backside and tell me I was looking good...

I was so happy that I wanted to skate for hours...I didn't...but I managed an hour and a half...lol

Burton, Nickle and I all went over to Buffalo the next night and went to a big (relatively speaking) pagan gathering celebrating the solstice...while there I got some henna done on my arm...and danced through the ache I had in my ankle...tried to make Nickle laugh as much as I could since she's having a bit of a rough go at it right now...Invented a new dance while there...possibly a few.... 'I'm a tree....I'm a bush...I'm showing my bush...I'm humping zee bush...I'm a gorilla...' yep all that altogether...awesome dance...
The DRD were there so of course a fun time was had by all.

Today...after paste was all gone

I bought a henna cone so that I could sort of touch up part of my design and maybe do another design another time...but while trying to use it yesterday the seam broke open and it gushed out the side and end of the cone...so I contacted the woman I bought it from and explained what had happened mainly just to give her a heads up...she told me she appreciated the feedback and wanted to send me a replacement...and also thinks she knows what may have happened...mainly that the cones had been sitting under a lamp nearly all night so the henna paste may have gotten too thin from the heat and also that may have affected the seam...

Spiral Dance 2012

So she's asked for my shipping address so that she can send me out a new one right away...very nice of her I may say. :)

We had been talking about how she does Henna parties...I know there's parties for everything nowadays...but totally thinking of doing one...just need to find some people that would be interested in getting together for a night of hanging out, who have 20 bucks and want to get some henna...lol

Most of my friends have 'real tattoos' so dunno if they'd want to...Hell last night while talking to DrunkenMonkey he was all...dude just get a real one...I'm like...dude that takes money and I have commitment issues as it is...lol




Ooooh! I'm also a very happy girl because I finally got to the LCBO (liquor store) and bought a bottle of Mead...and saw some Kraken while there...batted my lashes at the Man...and came home with a bottle of each...ALSO while there I spotted that it now carries the Honey Jack Daniels...OMG...yup...next purchase will be that...and then a bottle of Lucid....(expensive shite I tell you what...) but have always wanted to try it...Yeah apparently my wishlist at the liquor store is longer then my Amazon wishlist...lol

Kraken came with baby bottle of Tequila!

We Are Not A Peaceful People.

I have a bunch to say today...Hopefully I'll get it all said before I have to take the family for our portrait...

Yesterday a gunman shot up a bunch of kids in a school in Connecticut and a knife wielding man cut down a group of kids in China...

I'm not going to sit here and lament over the problems with violence in the world today...because frankly violence has always been quite prevalent and I'm not saying that in some sort of callous manner to say everyone should just take this as a normal occurrence... I'm just saying there have always been tragedies...reckless abandonment...wars...mindless and senseless violence...that has rocked a world and made the inhabitants go 'whoa...I can't even comprehend the depths of this sorrow filled tragedy'...

The earthlings will take stock of themselves and vow to change the world and make it a better place and how we should have stricter gun laws....how God shouldn't have been taken out of the schools...how maybe if parents loved their kids more...maybe if there was no teen pregnancy...shootings are the presidents fault...
There will be lots of lobbying for anti-gun legislation....there will be religious groups that will be up in arms...

Look at history... there has always been violence...it's in our nature...just the majority of us can keep that part of our nature in check...we sit back and look upon situations like these with horror on our faces... but deep down inside we know that we could do that...if pushed far enough...we could all submit to that level of hatred, anger and malevolence...mowing down anyone in our path... whether with a gun, a knife, a car, or even right down to our bare hands...

We Are Not A Peaceful People.

As much as we reel in horror...I think it makes us stop and think.

I know I have a darkness within that I keep in check... I acknowledge it... I've even let it creep out a little bit over the years to sate it... just to hurt people...not to kill them...and not to physically hurt them (at least not since grade school)... but to make their life difficult...so I could watch them struggle...and have them look to the sky and say 'why me...'

But that's my darkness.

I sat down and watched my FB, statuses just kept scrolling up my screen about how their hearts were breaking... the lack of understanding how this could happen... the accusations... the stories of what happened...

Truly. No one knows what actually happened. At least no one that is still alive. The only person that knows what truly was happening or happened was the guy with the gun. Everything else is speculation...some more educated guesses then others...but all in all still speculation...

Maybe I have finally grown up...and decided to not have an opinion and reaction to everything...maybe I'm just still in 'I don't give a fuck' mode...maybe I'm no longer concerned about the world as a whole and am only interested in my own family...or maybe...I've just calloused...

Or maybe...just maybe...I've realized that I can't fix the worlds problems and that really the only thing I can do...is to try to raise my children in such a way that...they don't hurt the people they love, they consider the feelings of others, they're honest about and with everyone...and that violence should only ever be used as a very last resort...

I know that's not going to fix the world and it's problems... but maybe it could make it just a little bit better.

I had wanted to give an update about how my week has been and my happy moments...but on the tail end of this post...nah...

I'll post later on about the other stuff...

Just needed to get that out of my system...

Fun With Words

I love the English language and how wonderfully diverse it can be...however it can also be a fickle, strange, twisted and fucked up mistress...I always thought learning other languages were difficult....having tried to learn and retain as much French, and to also try to learn Spanish...I found/find them difficult...

However, looking at the English language now, especially when the boys have some sort of homework to do, or when they just run across new words that they don't know...sometimes it makes me sit back and go 'hmm' no wonder they find that confusing...

I don't tend to think too much about everyday conversations and the words used...

However, when I'm sitting down to write a letter, an email or some sort of correspondence with someone that I don't know very well...I think long and hard about what I'm saying, how I'm saying it and how it might be perceived...and that's when I definitely make sure that I know what each word means and if they have multiple meanings and how each one could be taken...

I also like to use words that some people assume they know the meaning of...such as the word awful....the 4th definition of the word Awful is full of awe; reverential... most people don't think of that definition...so when used with that in mind as it's meaning it throws people off...

So when you use a word that some depict as a positive thing and it actually can be something not so positive it's more of a backhanded insult and it can be fun to have them thinking that you complimented them when in actuality you just told them you hope they die....

*chuckles*

Fun with words... I love words... they can be the softest sweetest most loving things....or they can be the most vile, evil, heart-wrenching and cruelest things you could ever wield... it all just depends on mood (usually)

And for those literal minded people like myself... word play can be so entertaining...

For Example....

 

People...How Dare They Be Important...

I'm up rather early today...

So much so that no one else is awake yet...I'm sure one of the boys are but they just haven't come down yet because they know that today is the day that is going to prove that the rest of the weekend was awesome...it's cleaning day...

It's funny last night I said to them that we've had fun all weekend and so that should tell them what tomorrow (meaning today) is going to be...The Manchild looked up before I said anything else and said..."I'm only doing my room" really quickly...
I shook my head slowly as I laughed..."No we need to clean the living room so that we can move some furniture around a bit so that we can put up the Christmas tree..."

I have one of those 'lived in houses'...that's what I like to call it....lol
But truly...it's a mess...full of clutter...piles of laundry that go undone...projects started that now lay on a table half done...*shrugs*

For the most part I don't particularly care...There's better things I do with my time then cleaning...I would like to be more motivated to clean...to want to do laundry...to tidy up and make everything 'look nice'...

But really when it comes right down to it I'm lazy...and I'd rather do stuff that's a lot more fun...

Lately...it's been more lazy then fun as I haven't really been able to truly feel like I'm having fun...until...

Yesterday I had some fun...as well as Friday night...

I felt a lot better.

On Friday the Manchild decided that he didn't want to go to his Dad's...said it was going to be too boring there...so...after taking the Boychild to his swimming lessons the three of us, the Man and the Boychild and myself, all went shopping for snacks...that in itself can be a big ordeal at times...we came home with nachos, nacho cheese, pork rinds, brandy beans, mint rosebuds, regular rosebuds, peanut butter type rosebuds, pringles, soya nuts, pistachios, popcorn (made here) and I feel like I'm forgetting something...but anyway...

we can be some pretty serious snackers...lol

When we got back we finished watching the movie Wrath of the Titans...then the kids noticed DrunkenMonkey was online playing Black Ops 2 and challenged him to a couple of games...so got on skype with him...and all of us, except the Man (he just enjoyed watching), took turns playing with DrunkenMonkey...

The Manchild took such pleasure in beating the crap out of him...and the Boychild loves killing him and then walking over to his body and then making his character crouch up and down while calling over to him on skype 'tea bag, tea bag, tea bag...' lol
DrunkenMonkey saw it the one time...and was all 'Duuuude!' so since then Boychild does it with relish...

I ended that night well into the earlier morning playing rock band...realizing that Krammit still has our guitar I had to use the mic...felt good about myself as I kept getting in the 90's for my percentages with the songs I was singing...

Yesterday morning I woke up... and asked the Man if he wanted to Hamilton for my extended family's Christmas party...I originally had RSVP'd that we wouldn't be going,,,mainly because my Mum and my Sister weren't going and because the Manchild was supposed to be at his dad's...

I don't know why it hit me while laying in bed yesterday morning that we should go or that I suddenly wanted to go...so we took the kids out for a nice breakfast at the diner...which it always makes me happy when four of us can go out for a yummy breakfast for under $35...but anyway...we all went out for breakfast I grabbed a couple packs of Christmas cards and came home filled them all out to take with me (including some extras in case I forgot a couple of people)...we got changed and headed out with a couple of stops to Hamilton...

I was a bit nervous truthfully...because up until this trip I had never spent any time with any of these family members without either my mum or my sister being there almost like a buffer...

So I showed up and was intrigued that I had only told 3 people that we weren't coming...and yet...nearly all the actual family members looked surprised as they got there and said 'Hey! I didn't think you were coming?!" as they hugged me...I explained that our other plans fell through and decided at last minute to come up...

If it was a small gathering I probably wouldn't have sprung it on them...but this is a big part of one section of my family...the matriarch is Ruth....and she had Harriet, Heather, Roland, Jack and Glen (twins), Bobby, and Scott... Ruth is my mum's Aunt and her kids are all my mum's cousins...

So a lot of them are my mum's age and younger...and of course they have some kids...and some of them come...they're around my age and a bit younger...and of course...now my generation has kids...so needless to say it's a fairly huge gathering when the majority of us are there...

It was so nice to just get lost in the sea of people who I knew I was safe with...no one there was going to hurt me in any way...and it was a nice place to let my guard down a bit...talked with the older cousins and asked how they've been and had them ask about us...had the comments of how I'm looking great...if I'm lucky I get to see this particular bunch of family once maybe twice a year...

it sucks but at the same time... at least when I see them and they ask 'what's new?' they're asking because they want to know, because sure some of them are on my FB but...they're actually interested...
and only those who are interested actually ask...I have to admit there are one or two people that come to these gatherings who never say a word to me...and...I'm ok with that... lol

I'm always of the mindset that no one remembers me...because I'm easily forgotten...
(this isn't just something that happens when in relationships...it's pretty much an ongoing thing through my entire life)

So it was nice that being there, pretty much by myself and having people that I haven't seen all year asking about specifics in my life... *shrugs*

I think it will continue to surprise me....which is ok...I find it nice.

I felt happy...came home and was sharing a smoke with The Man...I told him I was happy that we went...and it wasn't a lie...there were moments of happiness while there...

You see my family gets together and the guitars come out and the singing ensues...when I was the Manchilds age we would go for xmas at Ruth's house (now it's in a hall due to the size of our family) and we would eat at a huge table down in the basement (biggest room that would hold us in the house) we'd all eat together and after the dishes got cleared away the guitars would come out and the singing would start...

Not Christmas Carols...lol - far from it.... House of the Raising Sun, Proud Mary, Hotel California, Bobby McGee... Classic Rock tunes... that's what my family sings when it gets together...some newer songs get added as the kids of the kids and their kids come up through the years...last night Taylor Swift's song Never Getting Back Together made it to the list...none of the older guys knew the song to sing or to play it on the guitar...and really only two of the girls were willing to sing it...one was about the Boychild's age...around 11 or so...and the other was one of the girls from my generation singing with the younger one to help her confidence of singing in front of the family...as the song went on I couldn't help but join in...so there we were the three of us singing the song in front of the whole family...
It's always so laid back and easy...

Best way to describe it... Easy.

Ties to others are important...even if it's on rare occasions...it's necessary to have those ties to people who love and care about you...

Sonuva....!

So...

Bing broke me. Asshat.

I had my doubts and suspicions about it but after yesterday I know now that he definitely broke me.

I have been having some difficulties when having relations with the Man, which I have written about already...but those have been slowly getting better and going away.

However when committed to Bing I hadn't really gone to any of my 'Friends with Benefits'...mainly because before Bing had been somewhat jealous at times, which because I know that can even be hard to admit let alone hard to handle I was staying away from others out of respect to him...not to say I always did I did meet up with the Major once this last year...

So how do I know that I'm broken?

I went to go see the Major yesterday, we got together to take some pics and some recreational fun...we always have a good time together because both of us are completely blunt, honest and straight forward...we can have conversations about shit that bothers us without the other one taking it to heart or taking it personally...I can talk about what parts of me I'm uncomfortable with so that while we're taking photos he knows...and him saying things like...move this way, it's a little more flattering because of that fold of skin right there...doesn't bother me like it would from some one else...

After taking some photos we had some fun...well... tried too...

I tried to get into it but I wasn't getting lost like I normally would (found that with the Man a few times too)...and as embarrassing as this is to admit...kept drying up...

That's the part that shocked me...the most... I have never in my life had that happen to me before...ever.

So yeah that was disconcerting a bit...I know/knew that I wasn't completely ready to be out playing with others as of yet but sort of wanted to throw myself back into 'the game' so to speak...

I know he didn't do it on purpose...hell probably didn't even realize how much cutting him out would hurt...but it still was him...

I'm glad now that I hadn't taken up someone else I knew on the offer a month ago...if I was having this much of a problem yesterday I can't imagine what last month would have been like.

But anyway... we took some awesome shots yesterday and I really kind of can't wait to share a couple of them...

I won't share too many of them...would hate to weird out Burton...lol

More to come about other stuffs...

Kind of feel like this deep down today...

Weigh In #9

Had pictures taken last night for a Derby Calendar.

So I was putting off this months weigh in because I know that I've been an asshole to myself this past month which means there will be either absolutely no change in anything or if anything there will be a lot of + signs next to my measurements....

That and I still have my dreadfalls in from doing my team picture yesterday for derby...which these dreadfalls definitely add a couple of pounds...lol

well here comes the moment of truth...

Ankles - L 9.5 (+0.5) R 8.75 (+0.75)
Calves - L 15.25 (+0.25) R 15 (-0.25)
Thighs - L 20.5 (-2.5) R 21.5 (-1.5)
Wrists - L 6.25 (+0.25) R 6.5 (+0.5)
Forearms - L 10.25 (+0.25) R 10.5 (+0.5)
Biceps - L 12 (-0.5) R 12 (-0.5)

Hips - 40 (same)
Belly - 38.5 (+0.5)
Waist - 33.5 (+0.5)
Underbust - 33.5 (+0.5)

this one makes me look weird cause I'm all twisted...
But I was trying to show off my socks.

Overbust - 40 (same)
Neck - 14 (+0.5)

Weight 170lbs (-1lb)

Ayup...from looking at those figures it truly paid off for me to be an asshole...that is... if I was looking to put on some inches...

What I'm trying to figure out though is, why it is I would lose 4 inches on my thighs but sort of gain everywhere else...I find that rather fascinating...

I'm going to try and be less of an asshole during the holidays...even though I've still been drinking hot chocolate...I can't help it though...ever since I was a little kid...cold weather meant hot chocolate.

so my two 'fuck you asshole' foods are sushi and hot chocolate...lol