"I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other."
I fell in love with roller derby a long time ago, then I saw Whip It, then I went to Reno and got to see a real live bout where the person I was with at the time leaned forward and said in my ear 'I could totally see you doing this' which made me just want to do it even more...when I heard about it starting here after coming back from that trip out west I nearly peed myself from wanting to do it so much...we scraped together the money and get my gear and I started skating a year ago this month...I trained a couple times a week for a couple of hours each time...and I started getting better and more sure on my skates...then I broke my ankle...
I was determined to get back on my skates and get back out there and take my turn on the track...I went and watched practices...and at first I was ok with that... I was laid up and on crutches and knew that I couldn't get back out there with my team yet...I got ok'd by my doc in October to go back to skating but not to do full contact training...I wasn't allowed to skate with the league...my clearance had to be for full contact...for safety reasons of course...understandable....my attendance at practices dwindled because it would just make me sad and depressed but still held out hope that I would be back on my skates and skating with my team this coming season...
Then I find out that nope...I will likely not be skating with my team...I have to go through training again...yes understandable for safety reasons...I've been skating over the river at a rink since October...there was a freshmeat intake in November...couldn't go into training with them because I still couldn't convince the doctor to sign off on full contact...finally get him to sign off a week ago...come to find out that next freshmeat starts in May...
By the looks of it not only do I have to start my freshmeat training all over again I still wouldn't get to play with my team or skate with the league...because the next intake isn't being drafted until the next season...so that's another year...
....and stopped whining session here as it was just making me to upset...
went and looked up a couple of things according to our Code of Conduct I need to remind a few people about a few things...
Man...now I sound like Q and Sugarballs at the gym...everyday they oogle the girls and as they walk by say 'Man I Love *insert day of the week here*' ... lol
But anyway I really am loving Wednesdays... we drive to Nickle and Q's house and then 5 to 7 of us pile into the van and make our way over to North Townawanda to go roller skating at the rink there... it has a great hard wood floor...two big disco balls...lots and lots of black lights...and loud music... what more could you ask for? seriously... it's so much fun...
Tonight Sugarballs and I took it upon ourselves to dance for Nickle as she was taking her gear off and laughing at us and telling us how much she loves us...lol
I must admit that over the years I've been very...um...not impressed with Q but he's gotten a lot better since we started hanging out again... I heart Nickle and Sugarballs (they're siblings and fucking hilarious)...
I like hanging around Sugarballs as well... he texts me each morning to try to motive my ass to get out of bed and meet him and Q at the gym... I really appreciate it...
and really it's because of him and Q that I went out for my first Gravity class... The Man had said he wanted to do it...and I was a bit iffy about it....but they told us how great of a workout it is...so I went with Nickle...two days later went with The Man and then a couple days later went with Nickle again... but since then (oh and that was in one week...yeah I'm a monster!) I've done a couple of the same classes as Q and Sugarballs...
Gravity beeteedubs ... is fucking awesome... I love it... it leaves me so sore... lol
I'm starting to feel much tighter again which makes me happy...
As of this past Monday I've gotten the clearance to get back on my skates in a full contact capacity...fingers crossed that I'll get to play in a game this season...there's been talk of not letting me skate until next season...but it also seems that minds keep changing everyday about other stuff so...we'll see.
I'll geek out later in another post about the awesomeness that will be the month of May for the Man and I...
I'm not looking forward to tonight or tomorrow morning...
This past Sunday one of the coolest derby girls husband passed away. It was very sudden as it was a heart attack at home in front of the kids and the wife (from what I've been told).
I don't remember how old she is... likely around my or the Man's age, or somewhere in between... but... he was only 38...only a year old then the Man is...
He was a gun enthusiast, being owner of a gun range and of a supply store with his wife, while I believe she also had a full time job...three kids...2 (the little ones) his, whom he adored dearly...
It's just a sad tale and one that hits close to home...
When someone you know and like passes away not only is it hard and sad but it also makes you stop and contemplate you're own mortality...and in my case the mortality of all the people I love...and I start thinking about their lifestyles and could they be healthier or...etc.
The people that I deem important to me and that I have a love for...they are very special to me and therefore get treated as such by me... either messages that just say hey I was thinking about you...small gifts...phone calls...or just someone I trust enough with my own shit sometimes... that circle over the years has been growing smaller and smaller... and I'm down to only a small handful of people that I care about...
So yeah when it comes to death... I wish I could protect those people from it's affects...
I dislike the ceremony and solemness behind memorials, funerals, viewings, wakes and so forth...
I'm going to a viewing/wake this evening....and to the funeral/'celebration of life' tomorrow...
I used to just shrug and say fuck it and not go... but then I realized that it's important to the person/people who are left to know that they have some support there that they can turn to if needed...and I would hope that when I go that people even those who can't stand funerals will be there for the Man (since I'll go first) and for my kids...just to say hey we loved your mom too and we hope you're doing alright...
One thing his passing has done is make me hug the Man lots...and decide that yep we need to get our asses in gear and do the adult thing ... get some life insurance and start planning/paying for our arrangements...
As I stood in the Y today I looked down through a window into the gym where the toddlers were playing with some of the volunteers and just wished I could be that little again...just so I could give this life another go...I've really fucked this one up.
It's not that I haven't had a whole lot to say it's more like I've had so much to say that I just haven't wanted to sit down and type out all the feels that have been happening for the last few months...normally I would sit and open up completely to my blog in a post but lately I've been very hesitant to do that in fear of those in my life who read it thinking they know better then I and making decisions based on stuff from here...
What happens with my blog posts is 'usually'...I feel something strongly I blog about it and generally the anxiety that comes from those feels goes away...like draining a wound...before it builds up too much pressure and explodes...ick nice visual there...
Well I haven't been doing that...all the anxiety has been building up and making me feel like I'm going crazy... panic attacks, depression, and lots of anxiety related issues...
Avoidance and 'trying to forget about it' had been working very well...but then I noticed that as more stressors came along my reserve would start to crack a bit...and as it cracked more and more that's when things started to affect me even more...
I would get the shakes and be paralyzed, my heart would be racing and my breathing shallow and even a bit laboured as tears would fill my eyes... or I wouldn't be able to catch my breath and would start to panic and start crying... or I would fall into these moods where nothing seemed to matter anymore, where no reason was ever good enough to do something because 'why bother we're all going to die and no one will even notice we were here eventually'... or I wouldn't be able to concentrate on anything anyone was saying to me...they might as well have been Charlie Brown's teacher. I could see their mouths moving and hear their voices but nothing they said would make sense to me so I would just shrug and walk away...
The situations I was reliving over and over in mind were enough to drive me batty... I'm here, I'm not here then I'm here again...and it could happen as fast as a blink of the eye or...as slow as an hour... I would forget where I was and where I was going or why I was going there...
I would forget about caring.
I kept all this from everyone around me...especially the Man...
I didn't want him knowing how broken I was feeling...I didn't want anyone to know that I was a lot more broken then I was... and maybe I didn't even realize just how broken I had become
It obviously became more and more evident to me and I was still trying to keep it to myself and say that I was fine... but I wasn't.
Still not, I suppose. However, I'm alright with that. It hasn't made me too insane and I haven't gone catatonic so... I'm not 'that' broken.
I also hadn't been putting anything here because the last time I did I got a message from Squasha asking if I was still hung up on Private Pyle and the last time I talked to Bing about any of this his attitude was 'it's been 3 months what the hell? get over it'
I claim all fault for my own... I no longer say He broke my heart... I know it was my own fault... I know that it was all because of me.
Not going to throw blame around.
I am the one that fell in love.
I am the one who believed in fairy tales, love songs, rom coms...
I am the one that believed I could have a happy ending.
I am the one who believed that happiness could be mine.
I am the one who believed everything he ever said.
I am the one who made up the fantasy that maybe just maybe my love could change someone.
...and so on...
They say talking helps...apparently that is not something that he follows so I'll find another way.
Probably wasn't exactly the best thing to say to him but it was true when I told him I wanted to have the type of Friendship I have with DrunkenMonkey with him.
*shrugs*
We talk about life, our families, our significant others, our kids, our hobbies...we're friends. I don't think Bing really wanted to continue to be friends, can't seem to have conversations like that with him. We did talk like that once, a long time ago...but I think that was more of an act, part of the chase, part of him trying to make himself feel like he's still got it so to speak. Which makes me a bit sad, because, again, I believed him when he said we still would be talking and friends when I left, I knew I should have just followed my instincts and figured I'd never talk to him again.
Oh well.
When it comes right down to it... I'm a tiny ant on a giant rock hurling it's way through space until it's accompanying star decides to die out and I freeze to death with the rest of the little ants.
;) (that's right sometimes I am a joy) lol
I've been keeping myself busy...going out with Burton...going to the gym...going to watch practices...going out with Piper...just trying to get out a lot...
We're talking about moving...not the big move to B.C. that'll take time and some money...but downsizing to something more affordable housing wise so that we can put more money away toward the big move... One does not simply pick up and move into BC...lol
I think it would be really good for me to get out of this house as well... a lot of changes of stuff and what not have happened here in the last few years...but it's still the house that he was at...
So I suppose part of it is downsizing the other part is running away from a ghost that haunts me here. Either way they're both really good reasons to me.
I don't believe I'm mopey... I believe I have finally been broken of my optimism and have been turned into a realist now...
For now I'll write what I need to...I'll write what I want...I will no longer feel responsible for how others take what I write. (and maybe later I'll actually write about stuff that's happening outside of me)
Thank you for curing me of my ridiculous obsession with love. ~Christian (Moulin Rouge)
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