I just got the confirmation in my email for my ticket...
I"m trying to figure out how I feel about that...
extremely mixed...
I'm running out of smokes....I"m drinking a bottle of wine...watching sappy movies...listening to sappy music...
and I didn't even do what I set out to do today... I feel so worthless sometimes ....*sigh*
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
Tuesday, March 30, 2004
Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This...My Mama Said....
It's gray outside, it's raining, it's dreary, cold, icky, and not so nice....
At least the outside finally resembles the inside...
Last night I was on the brink...I looked over the edge and got a bit scared because the view looked better then the one I have been facing for the last few weeks...
I think it had Shadow worried...
I got better again after I realized he was worried...I didn't want to hurt him or make him upset...
He keeps me grounded and centred...hmm...always has ...really...
I always worry about him.....always have.... its almost like I've wanted to keep him sheltered since I know how fragile he can be...
I'm sorry I didn't try harder...
It's gray outside, it's raining, it's dreary, cold, icky, and not so nice....
At least the outside finally resembles the inside...
Last night I was on the brink...I looked over the edge and got a bit scared because the view looked better then the one I have been facing for the last few weeks...
I think it had Shadow worried...
I got better again after I realized he was worried...I didn't want to hurt him or make him upset...
He keeps me grounded and centred...hmm...always has ...really...
I always worry about him.....always have.... its almost like I've wanted to keep him sheltered since I know how fragile he can be...
I'm sorry I didn't try harder...
I met a man - a 'real' man ... and thats not
something you can explain ... after years of experience, having them
come and go from your life, you learn to diffferentiate between the
boys you call men , and the ones who ARE men. It's an attitude, a
respect, a sense of responsibilty they carry with them ...its the
rational mind , and the loving and kind heart ... its in the way
they learn how to truly appreciate and treat a woman. This man and I
started as friends, and then became best friends ... the foundation
upon which any intimate relationship should be based. We developed
that mutual respect, and admiration ... and after several months, it
matured into a deep and abiding love. We've held each others
hearts and hands through such difficult times, and the trust we had
for one another was unbounded. It's impossible to look this man in
the face and argue - my heart melts when I look at him. It's
impossible to go shopping without seeing something I know he'll
love. It's impossible to imagine life as an old woman without him by
my side. I am 25 years old, and I know that for the first time in my
life, I am truly "in love" with someone. This feeling, too, is not
something that can be put into words. When someone asks if I love
him - its not telling them yes, and then debating that in my own
mind ... its knowing YES. Its not my head answering; its my heart.
Its a feeling that envelops your entire being .. and one that cannot
be duplicated. It's something that lifts you to a place you've never
been before.
All that said, this is a man with whom I've learned I can never
share a life. My heart has been opened like it never has been before. I can accept a new man
into my life, and I look forward to doing that. The love I hold in
my heart will never die ... but that's why its so important to base
any relationship on an undying friendship. I can fall back on that,
and accept that that is the role we will play in each other's lives.
I know that should any harm come upon me, he will be there ... and
he knows I would do the same for him. No anger, no harsh words, no
tears ... just warmth & affection.
something you can explain ... after years of experience, having them
come and go from your life, you learn to diffferentiate between the
boys you call men , and the ones who ARE men. It's an attitude, a
respect, a sense of responsibilty they carry with them ...its the
rational mind , and the loving and kind heart ... its in the way
they learn how to truly appreciate and treat a woman. This man and I
started as friends, and then became best friends ... the foundation
upon which any intimate relationship should be based. We developed
that mutual respect, and admiration ... and after several months, it
matured into a deep and abiding love. We've held each others
hearts and hands through such difficult times, and the trust we had
for one another was unbounded. It's impossible to look this man in
the face and argue - my heart melts when I look at him. It's
impossible to go shopping without seeing something I know he'll
love. It's impossible to imagine life as an old woman without him by
my side. I am 25 years old, and I know that for the first time in my
life, I am truly "in love" with someone. This feeling, too, is not
something that can be put into words. When someone asks if I love
him - its not telling them yes, and then debating that in my own
mind ... its knowing YES. Its not my head answering; its my heart.
Its a feeling that envelops your entire being .. and one that cannot
be duplicated. It's something that lifts you to a place you've never
been before.
All that said, this is a man with whom I've learned I can never
share a life. My heart has been opened like it never has been before. I can accept a new man
into my life, and I look forward to doing that. The love I hold in
my heart will never die ... but that's why its so important to base
any relationship on an undying friendship. I can fall back on that,
and accept that that is the role we will play in each other's lives.
I know that should any harm come upon me, he will be there ... and
he knows I would do the same for him. No anger, no harsh words, no
tears ... just warmth & affection.
Monday, March 29, 2004
I was going to write more...
But I sat down went thru my email and thru the group postings for the group I'm in, while of course I chatted with a friend....
so much is running around in my head...but one question keeps coming to the front of my mind....
I will not post it here...because after is asked...I never want to see the question that will haunt me for a very long time...
*sigh*
ahh fuck this...I'm going upstairs for a smoke...
All Of You Can Just Fucking Bite My Ass.... WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME??? Leave me alone *crying*
But I sat down went thru my email and thru the group postings for the group I'm in, while of course I chatted with a friend....
so much is running around in my head...but one question keeps coming to the front of my mind....
I will not post it here...because after is asked...I never want to see the question that will haunt me for a very long time...
*sigh*
ahh fuck this...I'm going upstairs for a smoke...
All Of You Can Just Fucking Bite My Ass.... WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME??? Leave me alone *crying*
WHY?
the question "Why?" has been on my mind a lot lately about a lot of different things...
as you can tell by one of my previous posts....
like Why... why would you tell an emotionally unstable person that you love them? why would someone so needy be so appealing? why do you always love the damsel in distress? why is it if it wasn't for that I wouldn't have any doubts? why did you have to do that? why are you the way you are? why is it I can love you so much and hate you so much at once? Why is it I can't trust you with my heart anymore?
I never in my entire life thought that anything could come between us... apparently there is and has...
I get so frustrated with you...why do you make me like that...?? huh? why couldn't you love JUST me?
So why should I do this favour for you?
Why should I go to the hospital? why am I going to do it? well cause I'm a sucker...
a sucker for you...always have been...probably always will be
Great my cable went out again...so I guess I'll be rambling til I get a steady light...
The reason I told you that I was unhappy and let on that I didn't want to be here...is because you were no longer mine and all mine...you can lie and say yes you are/were but I know better...you had a look of guilt and a look of shame and longing in your eyes...that I knew wasn't for me...
I just hope that you remember what I told you...
the question "Why?" has been on my mind a lot lately about a lot of different things...
as you can tell by one of my previous posts....
like Why... why would you tell an emotionally unstable person that you love them? why would someone so needy be so appealing? why do you always love the damsel in distress? why is it if it wasn't for that I wouldn't have any doubts? why did you have to do that? why are you the way you are? why is it I can love you so much and hate you so much at once? Why is it I can't trust you with my heart anymore?
I never in my entire life thought that anything could come between us... apparently there is and has...
I get so frustrated with you...why do you make me like that...?? huh? why couldn't you love JUST me?
So why should I do this favour for you?
Why should I go to the hospital? why am I going to do it? well cause I'm a sucker...
a sucker for you...always have been...probably always will be
Great my cable went out again...so I guess I'll be rambling til I get a steady light...
The reason I told you that I was unhappy and let on that I didn't want to be here...is because you were no longer mine and all mine...you can lie and say yes you are/were but I know better...you had a look of guilt and a look of shame and longing in your eyes...that I knew wasn't for me...
I just hope that you remember what I told you...
Sunday, March 28, 2004
*sigh*
I've noticed that I sigh a lot...I sigh when I'm happy, sad, depressed, angry....hmmm.... I do sigh a lot...why is that? It doesn't really help anything...it's just a natural reaction to ...well... everything
I"m sittin here watchin a movie with the kids and Shadow and watchin my cable modem light blink at me....just one...stupid connection has been going down all friggin day...
ok so apparently this entry is the one where I'm just gonna ramble until my modem comes back online and then post this silly message that has no point...
In this movie a little ball of iron was found in a boar that made him go crazy and become a hate filled demon of rage... I'm sure there is a ball like that in each and everyone of us... the sizes of course will differ... If each of us knows where to find that little ball of iron than maybe we can contain it and keep it from growing into a bigger ball and consuming us...inturn turning us into hate filled demons of rage...
Man... there are these cute little tree guardians in this movie...damn what the fuck is this movie...hrmph now I need to stand up and get the movie case...lol
Got It... Princess Mononoke... it's anime but not that really annoying anime you find in some places...but anyway...
ok this movie is just freakin weird...
I look at Shadow and realize in three weeks I won't be able to touch him, pet him, brush his hair, watch him shave, this saddens me...and makes my heart hurt...sometimes I look at him and I just want to cry, because I will not have the closeness with him that I have had for so many many years... I feel as tho I'm losing my best friend...I'm feeling like one of my arms or legs are being removed...
the way I figure it is I have 3 weeks... to enjoy the company...bask in his loveliness...and keep grounded by/thru him... after I leave our communications probably will be limited and our physical connection will be nil... I will miss my Shadow, he will always be part of me...more then he will ever know...probably more than he ever would have even guessed... my heart hurts so very very much...no one understands just how much it hurts and how much it will hurt for a long time... My Shadow and I shall be together within each others lives again.... we always have been...haven't we my friend?...
my cable modem light is on...I think I shall wipe my tears and post this while it's still possible...
I've noticed that I sigh a lot...I sigh when I'm happy, sad, depressed, angry....hmmm.... I do sigh a lot...why is that? It doesn't really help anything...it's just a natural reaction to ...well... everything
I"m sittin here watchin a movie with the kids and Shadow and watchin my cable modem light blink at me....just one...stupid connection has been going down all friggin day...
ok so apparently this entry is the one where I'm just gonna ramble until my modem comes back online and then post this silly message that has no point...
In this movie a little ball of iron was found in a boar that made him go crazy and become a hate filled demon of rage... I'm sure there is a ball like that in each and everyone of us... the sizes of course will differ... If each of us knows where to find that little ball of iron than maybe we can contain it and keep it from growing into a bigger ball and consuming us...inturn turning us into hate filled demons of rage...
Man... there are these cute little tree guardians in this movie...damn what the fuck is this movie...hrmph now I need to stand up and get the movie case...lol
Got It... Princess Mononoke... it's anime but not that really annoying anime you find in some places...but anyway...
ok this movie is just freakin weird...
I look at Shadow and realize in three weeks I won't be able to touch him, pet him, brush his hair, watch him shave, this saddens me...and makes my heart hurt...sometimes I look at him and I just want to cry, because I will not have the closeness with him that I have had for so many many years... I feel as tho I'm losing my best friend...I'm feeling like one of my arms or legs are being removed...
the way I figure it is I have 3 weeks... to enjoy the company...bask in his loveliness...and keep grounded by/thru him... after I leave our communications probably will be limited and our physical connection will be nil... I will miss my Shadow, he will always be part of me...more then he will ever know...probably more than he ever would have even guessed... my heart hurts so very very much...no one understands just how much it hurts and how much it will hurt for a long time... My Shadow and I shall be together within each others lives again.... we always have been...haven't we my friend?...
my cable modem light is on...I think I shall wipe my tears and post this while it's still possible...
Friday, March 26, 2004
why is it when you make a final decision that sometimes you start second and third and fourth guessing yourself...???
why is it you can't just make a final decision and stick to it??
why is it you get so worried about change??
why is it you worry about everyone else except yourself??
why can't you just shake the fuzziness out of your head??
why? why? why?
why do you kept asking why?? why can't you just go with the flow and live with it??
why must you question everything??
why can't you finish anything you start??
why do you sit back and let yourself get steered this way and that??
STOP SECOND GUESSING YOURSELF!!!
why is it you can't just make a final decision and stick to it??
why is it you get so worried about change??
why is it you worry about everyone else except yourself??
why can't you just shake the fuzziness out of your head??
why? why? why?
why do you kept asking why?? why can't you just go with the flow and live with it??
why must you question everything??
why can't you finish anything you start??
why do you sit back and let yourself get steered this way and that??
STOP SECOND GUESSING YOURSELF!!!
I often sit and wonder what would make a perfectly normal child grow up to be an insane individual...
what goes off inside the mind that makes someone insane??
what makes people grow up into the adults they are...??
Broken homes... sometimes make people weak and victims...sometimes it makes them hard and sometimes jaded...
Bad/Abusive Relationships....again they sometimes make you weak and vulnerable and scared....or sometimes they make you a survivor
Why is it the same situations have such different effects on people??
Why is it some people make the decision to get on with their lives and find the strength to carry on...yet others decided to throw up their hands and say I'm a victim and will lways be a victim...please help me...please let me whine at you over and over and over again without taking your advice...
I am personally at a loss...I've been trying to figure this question out for a long time...
sometimes I just want to scream at the people that are weak and tell them to fuckin suck it up and get on with their lives before they completely pass them by...
what goes off inside the mind that makes someone insane??
what makes people grow up into the adults they are...??
Broken homes... sometimes make people weak and victims...sometimes it makes them hard and sometimes jaded...
Bad/Abusive Relationships....again they sometimes make you weak and vulnerable and scared....or sometimes they make you a survivor
Why is it the same situations have such different effects on people??
Why is it some people make the decision to get on with their lives and find the strength to carry on...yet others decided to throw up their hands and say I'm a victim and will lways be a victim...please help me...please let me whine at you over and over and over again without taking your advice...
I am personally at a loss...I've been trying to figure this question out for a long time...
sometimes I just want to scream at the people that are weak and tell them to fuckin suck it up and get on with their lives before they completely pass them by...
Thursday, March 25, 2004
I hate posers...fakes...people who do things just to try and fit in...
If you don't have the knowledge about something...then you shouldn't be attempting it...
The people who read this...know that I"m pagan and there are some things that you just don't do unless you have the knowledge about it...or unless someone who does have the knowledge has taught you...or is there to guide you...
There is just a lot of stuff that can go wrong and fuck you up big time...and if you aren't aware of that you could seriously damage yourself or those around you...
Be mature enough to realize that you don't know everything... be the bigger person and ask for help when you don't know what you're doing...
It'll save the rest of us that do know what they are doing a lot of unnecessary clean up...
I know there is a lot of learning left for me to do... I also know theres a lot of learning that you need too.
If you don't have the knowledge about something...then you shouldn't be attempting it...
The people who read this...know that I"m pagan and there are some things that you just don't do unless you have the knowledge about it...or unless someone who does have the knowledge has taught you...or is there to guide you...
There is just a lot of stuff that can go wrong and fuck you up big time...and if you aren't aware of that you could seriously damage yourself or those around you...
Be mature enough to realize that you don't know everything... be the bigger person and ask for help when you don't know what you're doing...
It'll save the rest of us that do know what they are doing a lot of unnecessary clean up...
I know there is a lot of learning left for me to do... I also know theres a lot of learning that you need too.
Wednesday, March 24, 2004
Some People believe that I'm some tough, strong, stubborn bitch...and for the most part thats right...
The truth is I get scared by things too, I worry about all kinds of stuff...
For example...
I have found someone I'm very much in love with.... he's a military man in the united states...
It makes me nervous...the word "deployment" has entered my vocabulary in a way that I never thought it would...that word has become my enemy... not only am I nervous and scared that he will get deployed...I'm nervous and scared that something will happen to him while he is deployed.
Of course I'm scared that he may die....but also I"ve seen what war has done to others and I'm scared for him that, that might happen to him...
The other part to that is...if I don't have my visa or citizenship when he gets deployed...will I get deported...will I still be able to come visit my family and then go home again...
will I be left alone to figure out what I'm supposed to do....
these were some of the things that scared me enough that I thought I would be better off here...
So yeah I may be tough, stubborn, and sometimes cold hearted...but that doesn't mean I don't get scared.
The truth is I get scared by things too, I worry about all kinds of stuff...
For example...
I have found someone I'm very much in love with.... he's a military man in the united states...
It makes me nervous...the word "deployment" has entered my vocabulary in a way that I never thought it would...that word has become my enemy... not only am I nervous and scared that he will get deployed...I'm nervous and scared that something will happen to him while he is deployed.
Of course I'm scared that he may die....but also I"ve seen what war has done to others and I'm scared for him that, that might happen to him...
The other part to that is...if I don't have my visa or citizenship when he gets deployed...will I get deported...will I still be able to come visit my family and then go home again...
will I be left alone to figure out what I'm supposed to do....
these were some of the things that scared me enough that I thought I would be better off here...
So yeah I may be tough, stubborn, and sometimes cold hearted...but that doesn't mean I don't get scared.
Tuesday, March 23, 2004
Ok so life has been a rollercoaster...
I'm going up and down...I'm going... I'm staying... I'm going.....*sigh*
Deep down inside I was scared about the change that would be happening and all that I would be leaving behind when I moved away... I was concerned about what was going to happen to Shadow...I didn't like the person he was turning into and I thought that if I stayed that maybe I could prevent that from happening...he seemed to be uncaring and very withdrawn...it was ugly and scary... and I do love him very much and I didn't want to see him that way... I was hoping that by me staying and Keenan not going to his grandmas that maybe everything would be ok...
I never realized that my love for Night wasn't going to let me push it aside to try and keep my family all in one house... Shadow and I talked about it again...last night when he got home.... he said I was brooding...I say I was just thinking... lol... anyway neither here nor there...
Shadow talked to Night...told him that he feels that I would be happier with him...Night said that he was thinking of Keenan when he told me to stay... and he thinks I would be miserable without Keenan... For a moment I didn't think either one of them wanted me with them ...lmao
When all was said and done...we decided that I'll be better off down south...*sigh*....whew...
Its been a long and at times grueling roller coaster ride for me...and hell for those involved...tears have been shed...
I'm sorry to all that have been hurt... I hope that time will heal any wounds that have been left...
Shadow has been the pinnacle of kindness... people have commented that he should have kicked my ass to the curb in November... people have told him he needs to get a lawyer... He's told them all to shove off and go to hell and that he will help me in any way that he can... and for that I love him and say thank you to him for everything.... for all the kindness, understanding and the love that he has shown me during this trying time.
Night...Liebchen....Love.... I thank you for being so forgiving and understanding while I broke down emotionally...and I'm sorry for the pain I caused you.
I'm going up and down...I'm going... I'm staying... I'm going.....*sigh*
Deep down inside I was scared about the change that would be happening and all that I would be leaving behind when I moved away... I was concerned about what was going to happen to Shadow...I didn't like the person he was turning into and I thought that if I stayed that maybe I could prevent that from happening...he seemed to be uncaring and very withdrawn...it was ugly and scary... and I do love him very much and I didn't want to see him that way... I was hoping that by me staying and Keenan not going to his grandmas that maybe everything would be ok...
I never realized that my love for Night wasn't going to let me push it aside to try and keep my family all in one house... Shadow and I talked about it again...last night when he got home.... he said I was brooding...I say I was just thinking... lol... anyway neither here nor there...
Shadow talked to Night...told him that he feels that I would be happier with him...Night said that he was thinking of Keenan when he told me to stay... and he thinks I would be miserable without Keenan... For a moment I didn't think either one of them wanted me with them ...lmao
When all was said and done...we decided that I'll be better off down south...*sigh*....whew...
Its been a long and at times grueling roller coaster ride for me...and hell for those involved...tears have been shed...
I'm sorry to all that have been hurt... I hope that time will heal any wounds that have been left...
Shadow has been the pinnacle of kindness... people have commented that he should have kicked my ass to the curb in November... people have told him he needs to get a lawyer... He's told them all to shove off and go to hell and that he will help me in any way that he can... and for that I love him and say thank you to him for everything.... for all the kindness, understanding and the love that he has shown me during this trying time.
Night...Liebchen....Love.... I thank you for being so forgiving and understanding while I broke down emotionally...and I'm sorry for the pain I caused you.
Monday, March 22, 2004
I did 3 tarot readings last night...
wow they were informative to say the least...
I did one for myself and two for Shadow...
Essentialy mine said that I'm still here because I need to finish what I started, that I need to do some more teaching, and then I will be going on a journey....thats the jist of it...
Shadow's was dead on...omg I was sittin there looking at the first spread I did for him and thought...."Dayum!!" so I told him everything that was in there...
The Second spread I did for him ....just reinforced the first one...
Ever notice how everyone picks up foreshadowing in the movies because the movie will only last two hours....however when there is foreshadowing in your own life you never really pick it up as quick...maybe I do because to me life is a movie... it just lasts longer and you can't edit out the boring parts or the parts that make it run too long...
When I got the reading from Angelus last week... when he mentioned the teaching it really sparked something that had been laying dorment for sometime... I have put a concious effort now into getting myself back up to my standards for teaching...and I will start teaching again in a few weeks... Thank you Angel for igniting that spark again... for you doing that will bring me closer to my journey.
Krammit girl...I love you and thank you for knowing what evil lurks inside ones mind ;)
*thank you for opening up and telling me the truth...it helped me clear my mind for what has to be done...don't live a lie... ;)
wow they were informative to say the least...
I did one for myself and two for Shadow...
Essentialy mine said that I'm still here because I need to finish what I started, that I need to do some more teaching, and then I will be going on a journey....thats the jist of it...
Shadow's was dead on...omg I was sittin there looking at the first spread I did for him and thought...."Dayum!!" so I told him everything that was in there...
The Second spread I did for him ....just reinforced the first one...
Ever notice how everyone picks up foreshadowing in the movies because the movie will only last two hours....however when there is foreshadowing in your own life you never really pick it up as quick...maybe I do because to me life is a movie... it just lasts longer and you can't edit out the boring parts or the parts that make it run too long...
When I got the reading from Angelus last week... when he mentioned the teaching it really sparked something that had been laying dorment for sometime... I have put a concious effort now into getting myself back up to my standards for teaching...and I will start teaching again in a few weeks... Thank you Angel for igniting that spark again... for you doing that will bring me closer to my journey.
Krammit girl...I love you and thank you for knowing what evil lurks inside ones mind ;)
*thank you for opening up and telling me the truth...it helped me clear my mind for what has to be done...don't live a lie... ;)
Sunday, March 21, 2004
Happy Spring....Happy New Moon.... Cheers to New things, new beginnings, new starts, new plans...
DO YOU KNOW what evil lurks in ones mind?? you think you may know....BUT you haven't seen anything yet....
I know said the little girl at the gate *with an evil grin upon her face*
You will see eventually....just what I mean...stay patient and stay sane long enough to feel the pain....
You think that I am little...you may think that I am soft... but you ain't seen nothing yet.... JUST wait...
DO YOU KNOW what evil lurks in ones mind?? you think you may know....BUT you haven't seen anything yet....
I know said the little girl at the gate *with an evil grin upon her face*
You will see eventually....just what I mean...stay patient and stay sane long enough to feel the pain....
You think that I am little...you may think that I am soft... but you ain't seen nothing yet.... JUST wait...
Friday, March 19, 2004
Thursday, March 18, 2004
I've been blessed...
We're going to try and work things out for the sake of us, our relationship and our children... He's been kind enough to forgive me and loves me enough to give me a second chance.
I thank Night for being so understanding, and I never meant to hurt him in anyway... and I will always love him...and we shall continue to be extremely close friends. and I will always remember everything he taught me and everything he's done for me.
I've been blessed over and over again... being loved by two wonderful men... having the love and support of some very good friends who were behind me no matter what happened... and I thank my friends that weren't afraid to tell me what they really thought about everything...
SO yes I will be staying in freezing cold Canada...
We're going to try and work things out for the sake of us, our relationship and our children... He's been kind enough to forgive me and loves me enough to give me a second chance.
I thank Night for being so understanding, and I never meant to hurt him in anyway... and I will always love him...and we shall continue to be extremely close friends. and I will always remember everything he taught me and everything he's done for me.
I've been blessed over and over again... being loved by two wonderful men... having the love and support of some very good friends who were behind me no matter what happened... and I thank my friends that weren't afraid to tell me what they really thought about everything...
SO yes I will be staying in freezing cold Canada...
Wednesday, March 17, 2004
Hmmm...
Why is it that it seems in my search for happiness...all I'm doing is causing heartache and pain...?????
Who gave me permission to be so selfish... what makes me so great to think that I could do this to others...
I have awoken from inside myself and realized that... I should stop thinking of just myself... and realize that my actions affect others just as much as they affect myself...
Instead of seriously sitting down and finding the problem and trying to solve it...I was going to run away from it.. However now that I have figured it out and want to fix it...I fear that my realization may have come too late...
So now I sit and wait to see... for now it is no longer up to me... now it is up to the person it affects the most...
In my heart I fear that he will tell me that it is too late...
however if it is too late then I shall take the realization with me and make sure I don't make the same mistakes again...
If only there was an easy answer... but then again if it was easy it wouldn't be life...
Why is it that it seems in my search for happiness...all I'm doing is causing heartache and pain...?????
Who gave me permission to be so selfish... what makes me so great to think that I could do this to others...
I have awoken from inside myself and realized that... I should stop thinking of just myself... and realize that my actions affect others just as much as they affect myself...
Instead of seriously sitting down and finding the problem and trying to solve it...I was going to run away from it.. However now that I have figured it out and want to fix it...I fear that my realization may have come too late...
So now I sit and wait to see... for now it is no longer up to me... now it is up to the person it affects the most...
In my heart I fear that he will tell me that it is too late...
however if it is too late then I shall take the realization with me and make sure I don't make the same mistakes again...
If only there was an easy answer... but then again if it was easy it wouldn't be life...
Tuesday, March 16, 2004
I woke up this morning crying...
I don't know why except that I didn't know what to do... Everything is getting better here...why now?? why couldn't it have just stayed the same...the decision would be so much easier...
I'm opening up....he's shutting down... why oh why couldn't I have just stayed all closed up??
*sigh*
I feel like I"m spinning out of control in this strange vortex of space...
my heart is being torn in two... my head trying to be the logical one says one thing...but thats for a different reason...yet it keeps telling my heart that, the way it thinks is the way too go...
I wish someone could just come along and tell me which way will work out better...
WHY DID THINGS HAVE TOO GET BETTER???
I just wish I knew what to do...I just wish there was some way that this could work so that nobody got hurt...
Too bad everyone involved wasn't willing to move to Utah...*smirk*
*sigh* if only it was that easy...
Since this is pointless rambling...I think I'll stop before I start all over again...
I don't know why except that I didn't know what to do... Everything is getting better here...why now?? why couldn't it have just stayed the same...the decision would be so much easier...
I'm opening up....he's shutting down... why oh why couldn't I have just stayed all closed up??
*sigh*
I feel like I"m spinning out of control in this strange vortex of space...
my heart is being torn in two... my head trying to be the logical one says one thing...but thats for a different reason...yet it keeps telling my heart that, the way it thinks is the way too go...
I wish someone could just come along and tell me which way will work out better...
WHY DID THINGS HAVE TOO GET BETTER???
I just wish I knew what to do...I just wish there was some way that this could work so that nobody got hurt...
Too bad everyone involved wasn't willing to move to Utah...*smirk*
*sigh* if only it was that easy...
Since this is pointless rambling...I think I'll stop before I start all over again...
Saturday, March 13, 2004
Love is the weirdest emotion...
You can be happy in love, you can be miserably in love, you can be sadly in love, you can be ecstatically in love, you can love out of hate....
I'm not exactly sure where this is coming from...
All I know is that love is one of the most confusing emotions us as human beings feel...
and thats if it's a true love, well if it's a pretend love "infatuation" well hell then you're really screwed its even worse...
What happens if it all starts feeling the same? What if you stop feeling anything??
What's worse not feeling anything or feeling too much??
If anyone has an answer to that...man I would love to hear it...
You can be happy in love, you can be miserably in love, you can be sadly in love, you can be ecstatically in love, you can love out of hate....
I'm not exactly sure where this is coming from...
All I know is that love is one of the most confusing emotions us as human beings feel...
and thats if it's a true love, well if it's a pretend love "infatuation" well hell then you're really screwed its even worse...
What happens if it all starts feeling the same? What if you stop feeling anything??
What's worse not feeling anything or feeling too much??
If anyone has an answer to that...man I would love to hear it...
Ok now that I've figured out how to log back into my blog...it only took me about ten minutes of trying to figure it out. (Nobody ever accused me of being smart before)
So I'm planning a move...To South Carolina in Approximately 30 days...
*sigh* just found out yesterday that it's going to cost me $110 dollars to get my passport...egads...it used to only be $60 when I got one before....oh well...I'll figure it out somehow.
My mom who is not too keen on my moving (I know cause she refuses to talk about it) called me yesterday morning to ask me a few things...so since she sounded like she was in a good mood I asked her about my using her as my place of residence when I'm in the states because technically I won't have one. I figured she would hum and haw and tell me she had to think about it...nope...she said Yeah sure your name is still listed with the post office as if you were still here...WOW colour me surprised. So that started my day off well.
Krammit asked me to go with her to the MTO for her final exam (fyi- MTO is the Canadian DMV) apparently if she didn't pass she was going to be unlicenced and if she didn't have a licenced driver with her they wouldn't let her leave...it was odd...I was someone's licenced driver...thats never happened before...considering I still have to go for my final exam as well....oh well...just incase you care...yeah she failed...she is extremely pissed off cause it was a bullshit reason...but then again if they don't fail you at least once on every different exam/test you take...how would they make their money??
So I'm planning a move...To South Carolina in Approximately 30 days...
*sigh* just found out yesterday that it's going to cost me $110 dollars to get my passport...egads...it used to only be $60 when I got one before....oh well...I'll figure it out somehow.
My mom who is not too keen on my moving (I know cause she refuses to talk about it) called me yesterday morning to ask me a few things...so since she sounded like she was in a good mood I asked her about my using her as my place of residence when I'm in the states because technically I won't have one. I figured she would hum and haw and tell me she had to think about it...nope...she said Yeah sure your name is still listed with the post office as if you were still here...WOW colour me surprised. So that started my day off well.
Krammit asked me to go with her to the MTO for her final exam (fyi- MTO is the Canadian DMV) apparently if she didn't pass she was going to be unlicenced and if she didn't have a licenced driver with her they wouldn't let her leave...it was odd...I was someone's licenced driver...thats never happened before...considering I still have to go for my final exam as well....oh well...just incase you care...yeah she failed...she is extremely pissed off cause it was a bullshit reason...but then again if they don't fail you at least once on every different exam/test you take...how would they make their money??
Friday, March 12, 2004
Did I Happen to mention before ...how much I hate snow....I'm sitting here downstairs in my livingroom and the sky has lightened...I glance out the window, hoping to see the grass like I did yesterday...unfortunately..NO...the universe played the cruel trick of letting us believe that spring was on its way...when in fact it decided to take another dump on my front lawn last night while we slept nicely in our beds....Ugh!
