Ok so I'm back...
I've been so tired ....like I have never felt before... why can't I just get enough rest to feel good again?
I've been completely honest with Shadow and thats all that matters right now...
and he has just had to deal with the answer of "I don't know" ... Gods love him he is such a saint...
my baby is gone now...he left yesterday..I miss his cute little face...he is turning into such a big boy...
I've completely fallen in love with the song This Love by Maroon5...it's like it was written about me ...LOL
I'm supposed to be packing today...Shadow is gone to work and everyone else that was helping him while I was gone have all left...so I am all by myself today...which is fine with me...I'm sick of having to talk to people...sick of them looking at me sideways....sick of them trying to figure out what I'm up too by being here...sick of them judging me...I've stopped trying to explain myself to them...as long as Shadow knows whats going on in my head all is good...the ones who are directly involved with me are the ones who know whats going on and thats good enough for me...
I'm done trying to make people who don't care about what happens to me understand what is going on....
yeah yeah yeah my actions affect many many people but you know what...I don't care about all of them...I only care about my immediate family...and there are some of them that aren't "family" per se...everyone that is showing the fake caring just want to know how my actions are going to affect them... selfish bastards...
people have told Shadow to not allow me to stay with him...they've told him to kick me out...they've told him that I'm putting on an act and that I don't actually love him...they've told him to get a lawyer...they've told him to make me do this or do that...he's such a sweetheart...he's told them all to mind their own business and to pretty much fuck off...or he tunes them out... THEY HAVE NO IDEA what the two of us have been going thru...who are they to judge us...oh thats right...they are the people that cast judgment and throw stones when they are almost like me...
the human race sickens me...I hate you all...all you people that are fake, stupid, judgmental, back stabbers, gossips etc..
it's almost like people get off on others misfortunes, problems and so forth...oh my gods people why don't you get off your fucking high horses and look at your own fucking lives...stop comparing my situation to yours...stop telling me that I'm wrong...I don't know that and frankly you don't know that for sure either...
The Bunny has noticed the pattern that Shadow keeps doing...apparently...everytime I've come home Shadow doesn't talk to her all that much outside of work...hmmm why is that I wonder...is it because I don't trust her? is it because he feels guilty about being near her? ...I don't know...but I have to wonder if maybe he talks to her/close to her while I'm gone because he does want her...or because he wants someone to want him and he knows that she does...he's told me that he talks with her because she is the only one that hasn't judged me... Riiiiight like I'm going to believe that...just because she isn't verbalizing it doesn't mean she's not judging...who knows that she's not sitting there giving him the "I completely understand what you are both going thru" look because she wants him to believe that she is sympathizing with him...just so he'll feel close to her and that would make him want her because she is understanding...*laughing*
I'm the first to say that I don't much about her except from what Shadow has told me and from what I've read in her journal...
But I know women in general...and I know that when it comes to something they want you better watch the fuck out because they'll do anything to get it and not feel one bit of remorse about it...
Am I paranoid? maybe...is that a bad thing? no...not when it comes to women... "better safe then sorry" or maybe "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" hmmm...I dunno you pick the cliche for the situation...
Oh well...
Maybe she'll realize that to Shadow I'm more important than she is...
Apparently the meds that the doc has put Shadow on has made him crazy every few days...he says I'm going to be able to witness it first hand the next couple of days...I told him that it better not be as bad as he's told me it is or I'll kick his ass... he's taking a preventative for his migraines...and has to increase the dose every week until he gets to the dosage he's suposed to be at over a 8 week period of time...and every friday he increases the dose and by sunday he starts getting weird...well that will be oh so not good since we're moving this weekend and I would hate to have to kick his ass... but I will if needs be...since I'm in that kind of state of mind right now...
Yep thats right...I'm in the state of mind where if some one makes me mad I'm liable to beat the fucking snot out of them..hence why I'm glad I'm by myself today...I have to put up with my sister and brother in law tomorrow for moving...but hopefully it will be better than last time...*laughing* two years ago when we moved into this house SHadow almost took a round out of my mother...lol...she won't be helping tomorrow...
Anywy...I should get to work got lots to do today...and I'm ready for a nap again already...
Friday, April 30, 2004
Wednesday, April 28, 2004
Who fucking said I need your help? Did I ask you for it? Did I once saw Hey you over there can you stick up for me? NO I didn't...thats right...I didn't...
See the difference between me and you is that I don't give a fuck about what people think of me....you on the other hand ...you constantly crave attention, affection, love, support and all that bullshit...wake the fuck up you dumbass this is that the land of rainbows and lollipops...this is the real fucking world...the one where most people don't give two fuckin shits what you think, what you like, or even what the fuck happens to you...
I don't ask for help all that often...why you ask...well I'll let you know...because people don't fucking care...there are three people in my life that truly care about my well being...and I let them in on that...you are SO not one of them... why? well because frankly you disgust me...ha ha ha take that and fucking smoke it...
why would you care about what happens in my life? *waiting* uh huh thats what I thought...you really don't you just want to see if I'm worse off than you...so that you can smile and say well hell at least thats not me... you sick twisted fuck...why don't you pay a little more attention to your own fucked up life and get the fuck out of mine...
I was just called a coward for getting on a plane and running to another country...LOL I find that funny...because I never once denied it....not once... everyone has their flaws...mine happen to be that I have a huge problem with commitment and the gods thought it would be funny it make me choose one commitment or the other...Karma so sucks ass sometimes...LOL but I can't do anything but laugh about it now...what else am I going to do?? worry? fuck that..I'm sick of worrying...it makes me look really old....I don't liike it...
so what am I going to do about it? fucked if I know....seriously...I have no fucking clue...LOL If I knew then I would be doing it...
I had an interesting conversation this morning at about 2 or 3 this morning....i realized that I'm used to little changes...moving within the same region...even having kids...those were little changes for me....now I'm faced with a huge one and I've been dicking around about it...why?...I'm not quite sure to tell you the truth...I guess Huge change scares the crap out of me...and huge changes usually cost a lot in many senses... *sigh* what should I do?? I dunno...do you?
what would you do?
thats unfair of me isn't it?....yeah well it's not like I'm going to do something just because you said it would be what you do...
man I'm fucking tired..I haven't slept since 10 pm last night...then had a three hour car ride to the airport....than caught two planes...and another hour car ride home....
it has not been cool....everything here is louder...colder... it seems more "in your face"
I've been pacing like a caged cat...back and forth back and forth....
I haven't been able to retain a single thought for more than a nano second...
and I'm supposed to have a "talk" sometime soon this evening....egad...
I can barely remember the last sentence I typed...let alone string a coherent thought to explain my actions...
Maybe I'll just go to bed...and get some sleep...highly unlikely but it was a good thought while it lasted...
whew...ok ...yeah I'm going to bed...just started dozing at the keyboard....
See the difference between me and you is that I don't give a fuck about what people think of me....you on the other hand ...you constantly crave attention, affection, love, support and all that bullshit...wake the fuck up you dumbass this is that the land of rainbows and lollipops...this is the real fucking world...the one where most people don't give two fuckin shits what you think, what you like, or even what the fuck happens to you...
I don't ask for help all that often...why you ask...well I'll let you know...because people don't fucking care...there are three people in my life that truly care about my well being...and I let them in on that...you are SO not one of them... why? well because frankly you disgust me...ha ha ha take that and fucking smoke it...
why would you care about what happens in my life? *waiting* uh huh thats what I thought...you really don't you just want to see if I'm worse off than you...so that you can smile and say well hell at least thats not me... you sick twisted fuck...why don't you pay a little more attention to your own fucked up life and get the fuck out of mine...
I was just called a coward for getting on a plane and running to another country...LOL I find that funny...because I never once denied it....not once... everyone has their flaws...mine happen to be that I have a huge problem with commitment and the gods thought it would be funny it make me choose one commitment or the other...Karma so sucks ass sometimes...LOL but I can't do anything but laugh about it now...what else am I going to do?? worry? fuck that..I'm sick of worrying...it makes me look really old....I don't liike it...
so what am I going to do about it? fucked if I know....seriously...I have no fucking clue...LOL If I knew then I would be doing it...
I had an interesting conversation this morning at about 2 or 3 this morning....i realized that I'm used to little changes...moving within the same region...even having kids...those were little changes for me....now I'm faced with a huge one and I've been dicking around about it...why?...I'm not quite sure to tell you the truth...I guess Huge change scares the crap out of me...and huge changes usually cost a lot in many senses... *sigh* what should I do?? I dunno...do you?
what would you do?
thats unfair of me isn't it?....yeah well it's not like I'm going to do something just because you said it would be what you do...
man I'm fucking tired..I haven't slept since 10 pm last night...then had a three hour car ride to the airport....than caught two planes...and another hour car ride home....
it has not been cool....everything here is louder...colder... it seems more "in your face"
I've been pacing like a caged cat...back and forth back and forth....
I haven't been able to retain a single thought for more than a nano second...
and I'm supposed to have a "talk" sometime soon this evening....egad...
I can barely remember the last sentence I typed...let alone string a coherent thought to explain my actions...
Maybe I'll just go to bed...and get some sleep...highly unlikely but it was a good thought while it lasted...
whew...ok ...yeah I'm going to bed...just started dozing at the keyboard....
Tuesday, April 27, 2004
"FUCK THE MAN"
thats right I'm turning into an old hippy tree hugger...you know the ones chanting "down with the man" except the difference between them and me is....
they were talking about a faceless corporation or faceless government....whereas with me "the man" isn't so faceless...I know what his face looks like and he's gonna get a face full of me the next time he sees me....oh hell yeah... I'm not going to let him make me feel guilty enough to run...oh fuck no...when have y'all ever seen me like that....well believe me I tried it...it doesn't work well with me...not in the least....it made me into somebody I didn't want to be... I didn't like it... and now that I have woken up from it...he better fucking watch himself...
there's another "man" (I use the term loosely) that if I ever see him alone or otherwise will get a face full of me as well...him and his woman had better back the fuck up out of my life out of my business and away from my family...
I'm a Mama that has been pissed off, pushed to the limit and fuckin madder than hell...and I'm not holding that in anymore...
I was always told that I never expressed my emotions or feelings enough verbally...well watch out because thats going to change...DRASTICALLY....if you don't like it or can't handle it you better get a steppin' cause this is me...don't ask me how I'm doing unless you really want to hear the answer....
I'm sick of playin games...don't fuck with me unless you want to get fucked back...
no more hiding from reality...and if you have the need to hide from reality...wake the fuck up....smell the fucking coffee...even if it smells like fuckin waffles....grow up...playing games of any kind is for children... oh yeah you heard me...game playing to get away from reality is the cowards way of dealing with life...
I'm coming home...you don't like it...fuck you...you don't want me there...fuck you...you don't like me...fuck you too...
you want to judge me?? look in a fucking mirror and tell me what you really see...it's not always so pretty...
we have to make mistakes to learn from them...don't try to tell me you've never made any...if you try your lying...or you've never lived...
for all you game players.....Fuuuuuuuck You....
thats right I'm turning into an old hippy tree hugger...you know the ones chanting "down with the man" except the difference between them and me is....
they were talking about a faceless corporation or faceless government....whereas with me "the man" isn't so faceless...I know what his face looks like and he's gonna get a face full of me the next time he sees me....oh hell yeah... I'm not going to let him make me feel guilty enough to run...oh fuck no...when have y'all ever seen me like that....well believe me I tried it...it doesn't work well with me...not in the least....it made me into somebody I didn't want to be... I didn't like it... and now that I have woken up from it...he better fucking watch himself...
there's another "man" (I use the term loosely) that if I ever see him alone or otherwise will get a face full of me as well...him and his woman had better back the fuck up out of my life out of my business and away from my family...
I'm a Mama that has been pissed off, pushed to the limit and fuckin madder than hell...and I'm not holding that in anymore...
I was always told that I never expressed my emotions or feelings enough verbally...well watch out because thats going to change...DRASTICALLY....if you don't like it or can't handle it you better get a steppin' cause this is me...don't ask me how I'm doing unless you really want to hear the answer....
I'm sick of playin games...don't fuck with me unless you want to get fucked back...
no more hiding from reality...and if you have the need to hide from reality...wake the fuck up....smell the fucking coffee...even if it smells like fuckin waffles....grow up...playing games of any kind is for children... oh yeah you heard me...game playing to get away from reality is the cowards way of dealing with life...
I'm coming home...you don't like it...fuck you...you don't want me there...fuck you...you don't like me...fuck you too...
you want to judge me?? look in a fucking mirror and tell me what you really see...it's not always so pretty...
we have to make mistakes to learn from them...don't try to tell me you've never made any...if you try your lying...or you've never lived...
for all you game players.....Fuuuuuuuck You....
Monday, April 26, 2004
I wake up I feel like I'm going to cry....I close my eyes I feel like I'm going to cry...
I open my eyes and look at him and I wonder to myself "what have I done?" thats not right....is it?
I see my baby I want to cry...I wonder about myself and want to cry...I think about my health and wonder....
I haven't written in a couple days because I've been walking around in a haze... "Never ever" it has such a feel of finality to it...I see those words and want to cry...
People judge me...when they don't know me... some empathize some sympathize others just judge...
I made my choice so it would be easier on him... it had nothing to do with me in the least... I knew if I stayed he would have gotten worse and the situation we found ourselves in would have been worse... I'm sorry I lied and said I was thinking of myself...you told me to never lie to you...and I did it again...I'm sorry...I just didn't want to see you in a bad place or a place you didn't want to be...
But now I sit and wonder...did I really do what is best for you... moneywise I think I did...
but now I feel trapped... more trapped than ever ...and I am still in a weird mindset... He hasn't seemed to notice tho...thats not good... he doesn't understand me... and I think I just made a mistake...
everyone is sick of me...sick of my flip flopping...sick of me not being able to make up my mind...I understand that....I am too...I'm sick of living in a state of confusion and wonder...
I find myself sabatoging everything here...just to see if he'll tell me to leave... but then again if he does...where will I go?? home? whats at home for me now? not much of anything yet everything that I want...
One man decided my fate...I man that I lost all respect for...a man that doesn't know me...a man that doesn't like me...
I love my shadow...he is my shadow...he's such a big part of me...and it was one man's fault... how is it that one man could have such power over my life and not even realize it...
If I were to take that plane who would get me on the other side... no one will believe that I'm coming home... no one would want to chance standing at the airport and not seeing me... and from the feeling I got...no one cares if I come home or not...
here I sit on the verge of tears again at the thought that I may never be loved as I once was... here I sit not caring about myself...
I am a Mom...I was blessed with that title seven years ago... now that it seems I may not see my children for a long time...it seems now is when I want to hug them and cuddle them and love them the most... I miss my babies...I want them on my lap...
I miss the smell of phoenix ;)
yeah only one person will get that one...lol and he knows what I'm talkin about there...
so here I am back to wondering... why oh why did I fuck up my life?
I want my shadow...I want my familiar face...I want my familiar town...I want my familiar touch...
I want him and he knows it...but I won't have that again...and it's so final now...that I just want to cry...
and damnit I want my krammit...I want to be able to call her and cry on the phone with her for an hour at a time...I want her to say"well do you need me to come over?" and actually be able too...
I want to fall asleep twiddling your hair thru my fingers...
I want I want I want I want.... "never ever again"
I open my eyes and look at him and I wonder to myself "what have I done?" thats not right....is it?
I see my baby I want to cry...I wonder about myself and want to cry...I think about my health and wonder....
I haven't written in a couple days because I've been walking around in a haze... "Never ever" it has such a feel of finality to it...I see those words and want to cry...
People judge me...when they don't know me... some empathize some sympathize others just judge...
I made my choice so it would be easier on him... it had nothing to do with me in the least... I knew if I stayed he would have gotten worse and the situation we found ourselves in would have been worse... I'm sorry I lied and said I was thinking of myself...you told me to never lie to you...and I did it again...I'm sorry...I just didn't want to see you in a bad place or a place you didn't want to be...
But now I sit and wonder...did I really do what is best for you... moneywise I think I did...
but now I feel trapped... more trapped than ever ...and I am still in a weird mindset... He hasn't seemed to notice tho...thats not good... he doesn't understand me... and I think I just made a mistake...
everyone is sick of me...sick of my flip flopping...sick of me not being able to make up my mind...I understand that....I am too...I'm sick of living in a state of confusion and wonder...
I find myself sabatoging everything here...just to see if he'll tell me to leave... but then again if he does...where will I go?? home? whats at home for me now? not much of anything yet everything that I want...
One man decided my fate...I man that I lost all respect for...a man that doesn't know me...a man that doesn't like me...
I love my shadow...he is my shadow...he's such a big part of me...and it was one man's fault... how is it that one man could have such power over my life and not even realize it...
If I were to take that plane who would get me on the other side... no one will believe that I'm coming home... no one would want to chance standing at the airport and not seeing me... and from the feeling I got...no one cares if I come home or not...
here I sit on the verge of tears again at the thought that I may never be loved as I once was... here I sit not caring about myself...
I am a Mom...I was blessed with that title seven years ago... now that it seems I may not see my children for a long time...it seems now is when I want to hug them and cuddle them and love them the most... I miss my babies...I want them on my lap...
I miss the smell of phoenix ;)
yeah only one person will get that one...lol and he knows what I'm talkin about there...
so here I am back to wondering... why oh why did I fuck up my life?
I want my shadow...I want my familiar face...I want my familiar town...I want my familiar touch...
I want him and he knows it...but I won't have that again...and it's so final now...that I just want to cry...
and damnit I want my krammit...I want to be able to call her and cry on the phone with her for an hour at a time...I want her to say"well do you need me to come over?" and actually be able too...
I want to fall asleep twiddling your hair thru my fingers...
I want I want I want I want.... "never ever again"
Saturday, April 24, 2004
Friday, April 23, 2004
I'm not sick but I'm not well....
"But what do YOU want Rae?"
thats the question that I've been hearing quite a lot...so here I go and see if I can explain it...
I want to stay where I am and not have people mad at me, I want Shadow to be alright in every way, I want my kids to know that mommy does love them no matter what, I want to reduce the stress in my life, I want to be able to do as I see fit without caring about what others think, I want to not be judged by people who have no clue about me or about my situation, I want everyone to walk 10 miles in my shoes and then tell me what they think I should do,I want a knight in shining armor, I want what I want when I want it, I want to be selfish and stop thinking of others so much....
Pretty big list of demands eh?
but above all in that list I want Shadow to be alright, I want him to be healthy...I just want him to be alright in every aspect...
I want Night to understand me a bit better...
Why did I really come down here?
I thought I knew until I was told that it wasn't fair of me to do that...
So why did I really come than?
"But what do YOU want Rae?"
thats the question that I've been hearing quite a lot...so here I go and see if I can explain it...
I want to stay where I am and not have people mad at me, I want Shadow to be alright in every way, I want my kids to know that mommy does love them no matter what, I want to reduce the stress in my life, I want to be able to do as I see fit without caring about what others think, I want to not be judged by people who have no clue about me or about my situation, I want everyone to walk 10 miles in my shoes and then tell me what they think I should do,I want a knight in shining armor, I want what I want when I want it, I want to be selfish and stop thinking of others so much....
Pretty big list of demands eh?
but above all in that list I want Shadow to be alright, I want him to be healthy...I just want him to be alright in every aspect...
I want Night to understand me a bit better...
Why did I really come down here?
I thought I knew until I was told that it wasn't fair of me to do that...
So why did I really come than?
Thursday, April 22, 2004
*a post I made to a yahoo group I'm in...Too Harsh?*
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH FUCKING BLAH....
how do you like them fucking apples...
*farting noise* and thats what I fucking think about all of it...
thats right...thats how I fucking feel about everything...
Everytime someone sends a bitchy post, a poking of fun post, a sly
sneaky post that only some will understand...
Nobody has to like everyone...Everyone doesn't have to like
everyone...
Hell for the most part we don't know if any of us are being
completely real with some of the shite that has happened on here in
the past...
Yes everyone has a right to their own opinion and interptation (sp)
on any given subject... If you think you're going to be publicly
blasted for it...than shut the fuck up... if you think that no one
is going to like you because of your opinion...then shut the fuck
up...Don't whine and waste everybody's time...
this is all minor shite that is going on in this group...compared to
some of the shite that people have to face every fucking day that
they wake the fuck up...
so really think about it for a minute...
WHO THE FUCK REALLY CARES? really seriously who gives a flying fuck
about the he said she said kinda of shite that goes on?
If you think this was harsh you should have read the first draft...
If you don't like this post..I don't give a fucking shit...you can
shove it up yer fucking arse for all I care today...
so get off yer damn horse, wake the fuck up... and quit verbally
vomiting on everybody...
*grabs soap box and storms the fuck off*
RAE
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH FUCKING BLAH....
how do you like them fucking apples...
*farting noise* and thats what I fucking think about all of it...
thats right...thats how I fucking feel about everything...
Everytime someone sends a bitchy post, a poking of fun post, a sly
sneaky post that only some will understand...
Nobody has to like everyone...Everyone doesn't have to like
everyone...
Hell for the most part we don't know if any of us are being
completely real with some of the shite that has happened on here in
the past...
Yes everyone has a right to their own opinion and interptation (sp)
on any given subject... If you think you're going to be publicly
blasted for it...than shut the fuck up... if you think that no one
is going to like you because of your opinion...then shut the fuck
up...Don't whine and waste everybody's time...
this is all minor shite that is going on in this group...compared to
some of the shite that people have to face every fucking day that
they wake the fuck up...
so really think about it for a minute...
WHO THE FUCK REALLY CARES? really seriously who gives a flying fuck
about the he said she said kinda of shite that goes on?
If you think this was harsh you should have read the first draft...
If you don't like this post..I don't give a fucking shit...you can
shove it up yer fucking arse for all I care today...
so get off yer damn horse, wake the fuck up... and quit verbally
vomiting on everybody...
*grabs soap box and storms the fuck off*
RAE
Wednesday, April 21, 2004
Do you know what it's like to live two lives?
what it's like to be two different people yet be in the same body... to have two different sets of feelings... to have the want to be in two places at once... I'd almost be willing to think I was supposed to be a gemini...
now that I have lived for an amount of time in two different locations...with loved ones... it's hard to choose the location that feels like home...when they both feel like home...
it's very hard...it's very saddening and I don't want to do it any more...
I want to make a decision... I thought I had...I knew I had...but what happened... I'm not sure...
They would hate me...they would disown me...they would say I told you so....they would HATE me...
however others would not... others would say that it was what I needed....others would say good you followed yer heart....
one would say...it's ok I understand
the other one would say... it's not going to last
how does it work?
why is it so hard?
It wasn't supposed to be like this....IT WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!!!
I just feel like I want to cry... 7 days...
I don't what to do....
what it's like to be two different people yet be in the same body... to have two different sets of feelings... to have the want to be in two places at once... I'd almost be willing to think I was supposed to be a gemini...
now that I have lived for an amount of time in two different locations...with loved ones... it's hard to choose the location that feels like home...when they both feel like home...
it's very hard...it's very saddening and I don't want to do it any more...
I want to make a decision... I thought I had...I knew I had...but what happened... I'm not sure...
They would hate me...they would disown me...they would say I told you so....they would HATE me...
however others would not... others would say that it was what I needed....others would say good you followed yer heart....
one would say...it's ok I understand
the other one would say... it's not going to last
how does it work?
why is it so hard?
It wasn't supposed to be like this....IT WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!!!
I just feel like I want to cry... 7 days...
I don't what to do....
Blackbird (Witch-dhubh, Lon Duhb):
Legends say that the birds of Rhiannan are three blackbirds, which sit and sing in the World Tree of the Otherworlds. Their singing puts the listener into a sleep or a trance which enables him/her to travel to the otherworld. It was said to impart mystic secrets.
OK so I saw two blackbirds on the balcony (apparently has never happened before)....
Need to find why they were there...or better yet what they were trying to say...
Sitting there doing my makeup they appear there on the railing...hmmm
Legends say that the birds of Rhiannan are three blackbirds, which sit and sing in the World Tree of the Otherworlds. Their singing puts the listener into a sleep or a trance which enables him/her to travel to the otherworld. It was said to impart mystic secrets.
OK so I saw two blackbirds on the balcony (apparently has never happened before)....
Need to find why they were there...or better yet what they were trying to say...
Sitting there doing my makeup they appear there on the railing...hmmm
 |
Well today is my sisters birthday... Happy Birthday Sweetie...sorry I'm not there...
exactly one week...yup thats it...unfortunately thats all the time I have left here...
I'm such a strange person... I've noticed that...
When I'm here I don't want to be anywhere else... When I'm home I don't want to be anywhere else...
Yesterday was good...we went to Swan Lake and Iris Gardens...walked around fed the swans, ducks, geese and turtles... saw my first snapping turtle up close and in my face...lol Night picked one up out of the water and hand fed it some bread...
He also had his hand chewed on a few times by swans and geese...
NC may come down tonight when she's done work... said she might try to steal Tata and bring her to so I can finally meet her... that will be cool if she can...
I have the shakes right now...I'm not to sure why...
I'm smoking way to much...Waaaaaay toooooo much.
well I dunno what else to write...maybe I'll get on later and write some more...
exactly one week...yup thats it...unfortunately thats all the time I have left here...
I'm such a strange person... I've noticed that...
When I'm here I don't want to be anywhere else... When I'm home I don't want to be anywhere else...
Yesterday was good...we went to Swan Lake and Iris Gardens...walked around fed the swans, ducks, geese and turtles... saw my first snapping turtle up close and in my face...lol Night picked one up out of the water and hand fed it some bread...
He also had his hand chewed on a few times by swans and geese...
NC may come down tonight when she's done work... said she might try to steal Tata and bring her to so I can finally meet her... that will be cool if she can...
I have the shakes right now...I'm not to sure why...
I'm smoking way to much...Waaaaaay toooooo much.
well I dunno what else to write...maybe I'll get on later and write some more...
Tuesday, April 20, 2004
whatever happen to the fairy tale endings???
whatever happened to "Happily Ever After" ??
Grrr...I just want to scream and shout and curse at people..... Why does it have to happen like this??
Why didn't I see this coming in my cards? why didn't my meditations let me in on this little tidbit??
Damnit to hell...I just want to scream...but I can't...I won't...
I'll do what I always do...suck it up and go on with life...
Oh my god the change was so dramatic... and it hurt so bad... and I feel bad...
There are no third chances...there wasn't even supposed to be a second one...yet I got to second chances...
Don't fuck it up.. there are no chances left... the game of chance is luck...
yeah I'm babbling I can see that... and everything is fragmented...but ya know what....so is my life right now...
a friend... I don't want to be... but thats all I have now...
this is one of the most confusing posts I've ever made...
oh well deal with it...
whatever happened to "Happily Ever After" ??
Grrr...I just want to scream and shout and curse at people..... Why does it have to happen like this??
Why didn't I see this coming in my cards? why didn't my meditations let me in on this little tidbit??
Damnit to hell...I just want to scream...but I can't...I won't...
I'll do what I always do...suck it up and go on with life...
Oh my god the change was so dramatic... and it hurt so bad... and I feel bad...
There are no third chances...there wasn't even supposed to be a second one...yet I got to second chances...
Don't fuck it up.. there are no chances left... the game of chance is luck...
yeah I'm babbling I can see that... and everything is fragmented...but ya know what....so is my life right now...
a friend... I don't want to be... but thats all I have now...
this is one of the most confusing posts I've ever made...
oh well deal with it...
Monday, April 19, 2004
OK well I'm here...In South Carolina...
Pretty much had the trip from hell...
Shadow and I went to the duty free to get some money exchanged for my trip...picked up some chicken nuggets for the trip over the peace bridge...Grrrr...they didn't sit well... didn't help that it took about a half hour to cross the bridge...then 25 minutes to get thru the line up at the customs windows...and why the fuck can't those stupid customs agents bend the fuck over when they ask you all those stupid questions...he was asking me questions..I answered him ( from the passengers seat) and he couldn't hear me...DUH no fuckin wonder...anyway...
Shadow and I got to the airport with no problem...got my ticket...said bye...or I should say "See Ya Later" ;)
Anyway...ends up my first flight from Buffalo to Detroit was delayed by over 20 minutes...which made me nervous since I only had apprx 45 minutes between flights...
The pilot got us there with fifteen minutes before my next flight...we deplaned at terminal A-45 I had to pretty much RUN to the far end to get to terminal A-3 to catch my next flight...which ws boarding as I got to it...so it seemed that we were going to be departing on time at 9:04 pm ...BUT wait...that would be too fucking easy...NOOOO.... we didn't leave the ground at Detroit until almost 10:00 pm... Grrr...
Needless to say...I didn't get into Raleigh until 11:30 pm...so you think that the trip is over right?? oooh thank god Rae made it on to the ground... well with the car ride we had back down to South Carolina I think I would have preferred another plane....OMFG
There was some car accident on the highway that had us at a stand still for an hour...
anyway ...needless to say I haven't slept yet...
TTYL
Pretty much had the trip from hell...
Shadow and I went to the duty free to get some money exchanged for my trip...picked up some chicken nuggets for the trip over the peace bridge...Grrrr...they didn't sit well... didn't help that it took about a half hour to cross the bridge...then 25 minutes to get thru the line up at the customs windows...and why the fuck can't those stupid customs agents bend the fuck over when they ask you all those stupid questions...he was asking me questions..I answered him ( from the passengers seat) and he couldn't hear me...DUH no fuckin wonder...anyway...
Shadow and I got to the airport with no problem...got my ticket...said bye...or I should say "See Ya Later" ;)
Anyway...ends up my first flight from Buffalo to Detroit was delayed by over 20 minutes...which made me nervous since I only had apprx 45 minutes between flights...
The pilot got us there with fifteen minutes before my next flight...we deplaned at terminal A-45 I had to pretty much RUN to the far end to get to terminal A-3 to catch my next flight...which ws boarding as I got to it...so it seemed that we were going to be departing on time at 9:04 pm ...BUT wait...that would be too fucking easy...NOOOO.... we didn't leave the ground at Detroit until almost 10:00 pm... Grrr...
Needless to say...I didn't get into Raleigh until 11:30 pm...so you think that the trip is over right?? oooh thank god Rae made it on to the ground... well with the car ride we had back down to South Carolina I think I would have preferred another plane....OMFG
There was some car accident on the highway that had us at a stand still for an hour...
anyway ...needless to say I haven't slept yet...
TTYL
Saturday, April 17, 2004
Went to see The Punisher last night at the show...
I enjoyed it...I know nothing about the comics or so forth so...I had no idea what to expect...
also dyed my hair yesterday...it's a golden blonde now... I like it...hasn't been this colour in a few years ..LOL Shadow is still trying to get used to it...
anyway, I'm on my way out the door...we're going out to dinner and then theres a dance too...Just waiting for Shadow to get dressed...then we're off...
yes for all you guys out there...I'm dressed and ready to go before a man is :P so stuff that in your corn pipes and smoke it :P LOL
Anyway... I'm off on a plane tomorrow ..I'm not sure how much I'll be able to post while I'm gone...but I shall try...
I'll try and post something before I go as well...
Anyway, Shadows dressed now ...so I'll ttyl
I enjoyed it...I know nothing about the comics or so forth so...I had no idea what to expect...
also dyed my hair yesterday...it's a golden blonde now... I like it...hasn't been this colour in a few years ..LOL Shadow is still trying to get used to it...
anyway, I'm on my way out the door...we're going out to dinner and then theres a dance too...Just waiting for Shadow to get dressed...then we're off...
yes for all you guys out there...I'm dressed and ready to go before a man is :P so stuff that in your corn pipes and smoke it :P LOL
Anyway... I'm off on a plane tomorrow ..I'm not sure how much I'll be able to post while I'm gone...but I shall try...
I'll try and post something before I go as well...
Anyway, Shadows dressed now ...so I'll ttyl
Thursday, April 15, 2004
I had the strangest dreams...
I was living in a small apartment...not tiny but then again not huge... and I had two room mates...NC and Zepp... we were all getting ready to go out for the evening and we were all arguing back and forth about the bathroom...NC was taking a long time doing her hair in the bathroom mirror...Zepp and I still needed to do our hair...so I stormed into the bathroom grabbed my brush went back into the livingroom to continue the conversation I was having with Zepp. so I was standing there brushing my hair in the livingroom...and he held out his hand for me to hand him my brush...I thought he wanted it to brush his hair...so I handed it to him he sat up on the couch and motioned for me to sit infront of him...and he proceeded to brush my hair while we talked about all kinds of stuff... then we switched spots I stood on the couch behind Zepp and brushed his hair while he sat infront of me and we finished our conversation and the brushings just as NC came out of the bathroom saying she was ready to go...
So that was strange dream number one...number two is a little more gruesome...lol
There were four of us sitting around in a livingroom...I have no idea who the other three people were that were sitting around...anyway...this extremely fat cat comes lumbering into the room, yowling in pain...then I realized that the cat wasn't fat...it was pregnantand it couldn't give birth...mainly because it was a male cat...so anyway...somebody grabbed a sharp knife and said that we had to cut the cat open to save him and the kittens... so I told them I would do it...so they held the cat while I sliced open his stomach...I was able to get all the kittens out...there was 13 of them...tiny tiny little kittens... but not one of them looked like the cat I took them out of...the cat I cut open was a long haired black cat (much like my own) and the kittens were various patterns of brown, white, and grey...not one black one in the litter.....just as I had finished taking the kittens out of the bigger cat...the cat disappeared...turned into ash in my hand and poof was gone... and out of the ashes crawl the tiniest of the kittens...and it was all black...
Anyway so now y'all know how much of a freak I truly am...
I'll write more later when something exciting happens
I was living in a small apartment...not tiny but then again not huge... and I had two room mates...NC and Zepp... we were all getting ready to go out for the evening and we were all arguing back and forth about the bathroom...NC was taking a long time doing her hair in the bathroom mirror...Zepp and I still needed to do our hair...so I stormed into the bathroom grabbed my brush went back into the livingroom to continue the conversation I was having with Zepp. so I was standing there brushing my hair in the livingroom...and he held out his hand for me to hand him my brush...I thought he wanted it to brush his hair...so I handed it to him he sat up on the couch and motioned for me to sit infront of him...and he proceeded to brush my hair while we talked about all kinds of stuff... then we switched spots I stood on the couch behind Zepp and brushed his hair while he sat infront of me and we finished our conversation and the brushings just as NC came out of the bathroom saying she was ready to go...
So that was strange dream number one...number two is a little more gruesome...lol
There were four of us sitting around in a livingroom...I have no idea who the other three people were that were sitting around...anyway...this extremely fat cat comes lumbering into the room, yowling in pain...then I realized that the cat wasn't fat...it was pregnantand it couldn't give birth...mainly because it was a male cat...so anyway...somebody grabbed a sharp knife and said that we had to cut the cat open to save him and the kittens... so I told them I would do it...so they held the cat while I sliced open his stomach...I was able to get all the kittens out...there was 13 of them...tiny tiny little kittens... but not one of them looked like the cat I took them out of...the cat I cut open was a long haired black cat (much like my own) and the kittens were various patterns of brown, white, and grey...not one black one in the litter.....just as I had finished taking the kittens out of the bigger cat...the cat disappeared...turned into ash in my hand and poof was gone... and out of the ashes crawl the tiniest of the kittens...and it was all black...
Anyway so now y'all know how much of a freak I truly am...
I'll write more later when something exciting happens
Tuesday, April 13, 2004
It's raining it's pouring the old man is snoring...he bumped his head when he went to bed and couldn't get up in the morning...
ok that out of the way...yes it truly is raining and pouring...I wasn't just singing that for the fun of it...
however I was just singing Row Row Row your boat for the fun of it a few minutes ago...
it's a good thing a lot of my insanity can be passed off by saying "oh it's ok she has kids" LOL
wow...some of the things a person will sing when they are bored ...
I'm getting sick and tired of this stupid messenger thing that keeps popping up on my bloody screen...it pisses me off when I'm trying to type...
SO....
hmm...
Shadow and I are going out on Saturday to a dinner dance... I can't wait I haven't really been dancing in awhile...it'll be nice to go out and boogie and sweat and go nuts (right like I have far to go)
I love dancing I go into a trance and let the music take me away to places that no one knows about... thats why I love music so much...it flows thru me and takes me to different places within myself... depends on the type of music depends on where I get taken... but I love all the places it takes me...it helps me learn so much more about myself... *sigh* I can't wait til Saturday night...
So anyway... I'm not sure whether or not after I go on Sunday how much I'll be able to post because I don't quite remember my login and password for blogspot ...LOL yeah yeah yeah I'm a blonde :P
talking about that I have to remember to go to the drugstore and use some gift certificates I got and get myself some more dye for my hair...hopefully Shadow won't protest too much ;)
Anyway now that it's twenty after seven I need to pay more attention to dinner...it's almost done...I'll write more if I feel I have more to say later :D
ok that out of the way...yes it truly is raining and pouring...I wasn't just singing that for the fun of it...
however I was just singing Row Row Row your boat for the fun of it a few minutes ago...
it's a good thing a lot of my insanity can be passed off by saying "oh it's ok she has kids" LOL
wow...some of the things a person will sing when they are bored ...
I'm getting sick and tired of this stupid messenger thing that keeps popping up on my bloody screen...it pisses me off when I'm trying to type...
SO....
hmm...
Shadow and I are going out on Saturday to a dinner dance... I can't wait I haven't really been dancing in awhile...it'll be nice to go out and boogie and sweat and go nuts (right like I have far to go)
I love dancing I go into a trance and let the music take me away to places that no one knows about... thats why I love music so much...it flows thru me and takes me to different places within myself... depends on the type of music depends on where I get taken... but I love all the places it takes me...it helps me learn so much more about myself... *sigh* I can't wait til Saturday night...
So anyway... I'm not sure whether or not after I go on Sunday how much I'll be able to post because I don't quite remember my login and password for blogspot ...LOL yeah yeah yeah I'm a blonde :P
talking about that I have to remember to go to the drugstore and use some gift certificates I got and get myself some more dye for my hair...hopefully Shadow won't protest too much ;)
Anyway now that it's twenty after seven I need to pay more attention to dinner...it's almost done...I'll write more if I feel I have more to say later :D
Monday, April 12, 2004
ok here we go...
today I've folded laundry ...yay (unenthusiastic yay there)
anyway...Shadow called me at 11 this morning and told me that he was coming home early...that was cool and unexpected...
so we've had a relaxing day... some what...
not much to report today...
oh yeah I need to find some cool clothes...I have none to take with me...grrr
well I have some but... maybe two days worth LOL and definately some that I don't even wear outside of my own house never mind anyone elses...
anywho I gotta run and make dinner and mend some pants that mysteriously got ripped in the washing machine...
and of course Shadow needs his crack fix...LMAO
Love Y'all ;)
today I've folded laundry ...yay (unenthusiastic yay there)
anyway...Shadow called me at 11 this morning and told me that he was coming home early...that was cool and unexpected...
so we've had a relaxing day... some what...
not much to report today...
oh yeah I need to find some cool clothes...I have none to take with me...grrr
well I have some but... maybe two days worth LOL and definately some that I don't even wear outside of my own house never mind anyone elses...
anywho I gotta run and make dinner and mend some pants that mysteriously got ripped in the washing machine...
and of course Shadow needs his crack fix...LMAO
Love Y'all ;)
Sunday, April 11, 2004
hmmm....well.....
Today was Keenans birthday party...Krammit and part of her clan came in the morning...the three boys got to play... (Gambit had his soccer game this morning so he missed that crew being here)...Gambit came home...his team won their soccer game 8 to 2 (YAY!!! doin a happy dance)...
anyway after Krammit and her crew left I continued cleaning the house...then Delphina and her crew showed up (3 kids and her man)...and then my sister and her husband showed up...we realized that the six of us were just going to be going back to our own houses and doing nothing so...we made plans to go out bowling together...as long as my mom agreed to take the boys for us...which she did...
OMFG that was way too much fun...the six of us haven't gotten together like that in a long time...
Next saturday we'll be at the same dinner dance so we'll have some more fun...
Then on Sunday I'm going on a trip...
I'm a little distracted while typing this blog because Shadow put in a porn on the tv and I'm finding myself watching that more then typing this...*blushing* LOL
Anyway...Keenan enjoyed himself today...he was even a good boy and took a nap on the couch between Krammit and Delphina's visits today...
Ok ya know what this porn is too distracting...I"ll type more tomorrow ...LMAO
Today was Keenans birthday party...Krammit and part of her clan came in the morning...the three boys got to play... (Gambit had his soccer game this morning so he missed that crew being here)...Gambit came home...his team won their soccer game 8 to 2 (YAY!!! doin a happy dance)...
anyway after Krammit and her crew left I continued cleaning the house...then Delphina and her crew showed up (3 kids and her man)...and then my sister and her husband showed up...we realized that the six of us were just going to be going back to our own houses and doing nothing so...we made plans to go out bowling together...as long as my mom agreed to take the boys for us...which she did...
OMFG that was way too much fun...the six of us haven't gotten together like that in a long time...
Next saturday we'll be at the same dinner dance so we'll have some more fun...
Then on Sunday I'm going on a trip...
I'm a little distracted while typing this blog because Shadow put in a porn on the tv and I'm finding myself watching that more then typing this...*blushing* LOL
Anyway...Keenan enjoyed himself today...he was even a good boy and took a nap on the couch between Krammit and Delphina's visits today...
Ok ya know what this porn is too distracting...I"ll type more tomorrow ...LMAO
hmmm....well.....
Today was Keenans birthday party...Krammit and part of her clan came in the morning...the three boys got to play... (Gambit had his soccer game this morning so he missed that crew being here)...Gambit came home...his team won their soccer game 8 to 2 (YAY!!! doin a happy dance)...
anyway after Krammit and her crew left I continued cleaning the house...then Delphina and her crew showed up (3 kids and her man)...and then my sister and her husband showed up...we realized that the six of us were just going to be going back to our own houses and doing nothing so...we made plans to go out bowling together...as long as my mom agreed to take the boys for us...which she did...
OMFG that was way too much fun...the six of us haven't gotten together like that in a long time...
Next saturday we'll be at the same dinner dance so we'll have some more fun...
Then on Sunday I'm going on a trip...
I'm a little distracted while typing this blog because Shadow put in a porn on the tv and I'm finding myself watching that more then typing this...*blushing* LOL
Anyway...Keenan enjoyed himself today...he was even a good boy and took a nap on the couch between Krammit and Delphina's visits today...
Ok ya know what this porn is too distracting...I"ll type more tomorrow ...LMAO
Today was Keenans birthday party...Krammit and part of her clan came in the morning...the three boys got to play... (Gambit had his soccer game this morning so he missed that crew being here)...Gambit came home...his team won their soccer game 8 to 2 (YAY!!! doin a happy dance)...
anyway after Krammit and her crew left I continued cleaning the house...then Delphina and her crew showed up (3 kids and her man)...and then my sister and her husband showed up...we realized that the six of us were just going to be going back to our own houses and doing nothing so...we made plans to go out bowling together...as long as my mom agreed to take the boys for us...which she did...
OMFG that was way too much fun...the six of us haven't gotten together like that in a long time...
Next saturday we'll be at the same dinner dance so we'll have some more fun...
Then on Sunday I'm going on a trip...
I'm a little distracted while typing this blog because Shadow put in a porn on the tv and I'm finding myself watching that more then typing this...*blushing* LOL
Anyway...Keenan enjoyed himself today...he was even a good boy and took a nap on the couch between Krammit and Delphina's visits today...
Ok ya know what this porn is too distracting...I"ll type more tomorrow ...LMAO
Wednesday, April 07, 2004
So I didn't post yesterday...dunno don't ask why... :P
Shadow was home again from work... that was good... we went for a walk with Keenan... ended up getting pizza and wings for dinner because we were all too cold to walk a bit farther to get some groceries... which probably wasn't smart of us since we need to get groceries still..so I'm not exactly sure whats going to be for dinner tonight...hmmm
Night called me last night....he doesn't usually do that...he asked me to call him back with the long distance card because he needed to talk to me... that kind of thru me for a loop...so I called him back just to find out that the cable company had screwed up and that he wouldn't be online for a couple of days...*sigh*
I'm going on a plane ride in 11 days...uh...not sure what to say about that...
However today my baby is 3 years old!!!! wow all I have to say is wow...time flies and omg they grow so fast..
Altho I must say it was an interesting conversation we had today with me trying to explain to him that he was 3 and that it was his birthday...
He's just the cutest thing...
I'm thinking I'm going to offer an olive branch... I'm going to tell Shadow to invite Her from work and her husband and son to Keenan's birthday on Saturday...
I decided not to go out tonight... my two favourite people aren't going to be there...so...enh whats the point...
anyway...I must vamoose...
I have some laundry to take upstairs and I need to convince Keenan...that daddy really doesn't think that the couch cushions look better on the floor...*sigh*
Shadow was home again from work... that was good... we went for a walk with Keenan... ended up getting pizza and wings for dinner because we were all too cold to walk a bit farther to get some groceries... which probably wasn't smart of us since we need to get groceries still..so I'm not exactly sure whats going to be for dinner tonight...hmmm
Night called me last night....he doesn't usually do that...he asked me to call him back with the long distance card because he needed to talk to me... that kind of thru me for a loop...so I called him back just to find out that the cable company had screwed up and that he wouldn't be online for a couple of days...*sigh*
I'm going on a plane ride in 11 days...uh...not sure what to say about that...
However today my baby is 3 years old!!!! wow all I have to say is wow...time flies and omg they grow so fast..
Altho I must say it was an interesting conversation we had today with me trying to explain to him that he was 3 and that it was his birthday...
He's just the cutest thing...
I'm thinking I'm going to offer an olive branch... I'm going to tell Shadow to invite Her from work and her husband and son to Keenan's birthday on Saturday...
I decided not to go out tonight... my two favourite people aren't going to be there...so...enh whats the point...
anyway...I must vamoose...
I have some laundry to take upstairs and I need to convince Keenan...that daddy really doesn't think that the couch cushions look better on the floor...*sigh*
Monday, April 05, 2004
Shadow stayed home today...
He wasn't feeling well....his head hurt and had a tummy ache...
It was nice to spend the day with him...even if most of the day he was asleep on the couch but I got to play the doting wife and make him soup...
I love my Shadow *blushin*
But now I miss him... he went to a meeting tonight... I"m feelin kinda lonely....
But it seems I'll have to get used to that...
He wasn't feeling well....his head hurt and had a tummy ache...
It was nice to spend the day with him...even if most of the day he was asleep on the couch but I got to play the doting wife and make him soup...
I love my Shadow *blushin*
But now I miss him... he went to a meeting tonight... I"m feelin kinda lonely....
But it seems I'll have to get used to that...
This was posted in the group I am apart of...I loved it I had to put it here also....
Love ? As it comes............
It is about the other one, never about yourself.
It is when you don't really matter anymore, the person you love
becomes your entire horizon.
It is when the saddest day is forgotten just because you can take
care of your partner.
Love isn't a question nor an answer, love is the absence of
interrogation, love makes sense all by itself, like it has always
been and will be forever, it didn't start and will not end.
When you love you don't expect, demand or take, you give yourself
completely without asking for anything in return.
Love is that sense of warmth you get by watching the other one walk
free to it's happiness even if it is somewhere else.
True Love is not blind , it sees every detail, every reflection of
light, every defect that makes your loved one that gem you can spend
endless hours watching or listening silently.
Love is when you discover your soul shines each time your loved one
appears.
Love is when you want to live for that one person you cherish, live
to protect, live to listen, live to give, live to lead, live to
follow, live to be it's shadow, live to be it's sunshine, live to be
it's today, live to be it's tomorrow, live to be the bridge it
crosses and the land it reaches, you want to be it's everything yet
the only one that matters is your loved one.
Love ? As it comes............
It is about the other one, never about yourself.
It is when you don't really matter anymore, the person you love
becomes your entire horizon.
It is when the saddest day is forgotten just because you can take
care of your partner.
Love isn't a question nor an answer, love is the absence of
interrogation, love makes sense all by itself, like it has always
been and will be forever, it didn't start and will not end.
When you love you don't expect, demand or take, you give yourself
completely without asking for anything in return.
Love is that sense of warmth you get by watching the other one walk
free to it's happiness even if it is somewhere else.
True Love is not blind , it sees every detail, every reflection of
light, every defect that makes your loved one that gem you can spend
endless hours watching or listening silently.
Love is when you discover your soul shines each time your loved one
appears.
Love is when you want to live for that one person you cherish, live
to protect, live to listen, live to give, live to lead, live to
follow, live to be it's shadow, live to be it's sunshine, live to be
it's today, live to be it's tomorrow, live to be the bridge it
crosses and the land it reaches, you want to be it's everything yet
the only one that matters is your loved one.
Saturday, April 03, 2004
Hmm why continue the fight? I think you already know the answer to that one my friend... You should always trust in yourself... She will not steer you wrong... go with Her flow and you will be alright.. I have learned to do that myself...trust in Her ;) I will always trust you...
Keep the fight alive...
I look around and I see the beautifully wonderful dysfunctional family I have created for myself and I think about how much I wish my "real life" dysfunctional family were as fun, understanding, cool and supportive...
then I realized I don't let any of them into my life like I do with the friends I have made on here...
Do I hide behind my monitor and keyboard ?
or is it that I know that I can open up to them because I don't have to see their judging faces??
hmm only the divine knows for sure...
Not many know but I have devoted my life to the service of the Goddess...she has given me many tasks to preform throughout my life...
The next one she has me doing...shall be the hardest I've ever had to do... I'm not quite sure exactly what the task is...however I know that I must go for that is what She asks me to do... and as the Mother's "mouth piece" I shall go and fullfill my duty...
*sigh*
Unfortunately, my family doesn't understand my dedication to my spirituality...so therefore they believe I'm making a huge mistake... Oh well they never truly understood me anyway...
But at least I have made some friends that understand where I am and where my head is...some know my heart more than I ;)
*sigh* (there I go again sighing all over the place...lol)
When I've sighed more than once per post I think thats a good time to stop...LOL
Well that and Shadow would like to feed his EverCrack addiction now...
Keep the fight alive...
I look around and I see the beautifully wonderful dysfunctional family I have created for myself and I think about how much I wish my "real life" dysfunctional family were as fun, understanding, cool and supportive...
then I realized I don't let any of them into my life like I do with the friends I have made on here...
Do I hide behind my monitor and keyboard ?
or is it that I know that I can open up to them because I don't have to see their judging faces??
hmm only the divine knows for sure...
Not many know but I have devoted my life to the service of the Goddess...she has given me many tasks to preform throughout my life...
The next one she has me doing...shall be the hardest I've ever had to do... I'm not quite sure exactly what the task is...however I know that I must go for that is what She asks me to do... and as the Mother's "mouth piece" I shall go and fullfill my duty...
*sigh*
Unfortunately, my family doesn't understand my dedication to my spirituality...so therefore they believe I'm making a huge mistake... Oh well they never truly understood me anyway...
But at least I have made some friends that understand where I am and where my head is...some know my heart more than I ;)
*sigh* (there I go again sighing all over the place...lol)
When I've sighed more than once per post I think thats a good time to stop...LOL
Well that and Shadow would like to feed his EverCrack addiction now...
Friday, April 02, 2004
Am I running away?
Am I do this in the hopes that he'll chase me and tell me he doesn't want me to go?
Am I causing a situation in the hopes that he'll do the white knight routine and save me?
If thats what I'm doing ...this is the worst way to go about it... could I really be that stupid?
with all the realizations I've been having lately...I wish I could stop this snowball...
omg did I just say that??
holy shit I did...
Fuck fuck fuckity fuck.... god damn it...
Oh if I was only born a cat...
I hang my head in defeat...
Am I do this in the hopes that he'll chase me and tell me he doesn't want me to go?
Am I causing a situation in the hopes that he'll do the white knight routine and save me?
If thats what I'm doing ...this is the worst way to go about it... could I really be that stupid?
with all the realizations I've been having lately...I wish I could stop this snowball...
omg did I just say that??
holy shit I did...
Fuck fuck fuckity fuck.... god damn it...
Oh if I was only born a cat...
I hang my head in defeat...
Thursday, April 01, 2004
I look around my house as it gets more empty looking....
I'm starting to feel empty...
about absolutely everything...
nobody can help...
doors in my mind and heart are opening and I'm getting clarity on so many things... all kinds of things are coming to light...
When I'm alone I feel empty...
I must work on that...
oh yeah btw Happy New Year...
I'm starting to feel empty...
about absolutely everything...
nobody can help...
doors in my mind and heart are opening and I'm getting clarity on so many things... all kinds of things are coming to light...
When I'm alone I feel empty...
I must work on that...
oh yeah btw Happy New Year...
So far since yesterday...
last night Shadow read a letter from me that started out to be something completely different...gotta love when that happens...
Started drinking at 5:30 or so... only really had 2 glasses of wine... had a good buzz on cause...well everyone knows the size of my wine glasses...not just that...I hadn't had any food all day...
End up talking to Night...told him about the ticket, he asked about my day...bad thing to do....I told him...and I told him the truth...and rather than try to understand...he judged me.... oh well...first fight has to happen at some time...
Shadow got upset because I was enraged...went upstairs and slammed the door (to the bathroom)
and then didn't want to talk about it ( in that girl sort of way) you know that way that girls get...they say they don't want to talk about it...yet make comments about it...until they get frustrated that you don't know what they're talking about...so in an exasperated tone they tell you everything...yeah Shadow had to deal with a bit of that... I calmed myself down...looked at him and told him that I'm sorry if this turns out to be $180 bucks of wasted money...because oh yeah I didn't happen to mention that its been about 12 hours and I haven't heard from Night...no email....no offline message...*sigh*
Anyway... Shadow and I just laid in bed and talked about other stuff... ya see he works on the 3rd level of hell...so he usually has some interesting stories about the morons he works with...LOL that got me back into my good mood.
I had to go into the 3rd level of hell the other day...but just into the reception area ;) I needed Shadow's keys...I can't find mine...go figure... actually Shadow put it "you don't lose your keys, you just never find them"... LMAO which is so true...
Have I ever mentioned that I hate Fake people....Oh...yeah I did didn't I ? ok never mind carry on...
anyway, I always get such strange looks from the people that work on the 3rd level of hell... maybe it's because they know that I should actually be upstairs from them...lol
(aside: just so you know Shadow works in a nine storey office building...the 3rd floor is the one he works on...as silly as that is...its funnier then hell because the 9th floor of the building is nothing but lawyers...roflmfao)
But anyway...I gotta run for now Krammit is taking me on an errand...oh yeah and btw everybody needs a krammit... I LOVE YOU KRAMMIT!!!!!
last night Shadow read a letter from me that started out to be something completely different...gotta love when that happens...
Started drinking at 5:30 or so... only really had 2 glasses of wine... had a good buzz on cause...well everyone knows the size of my wine glasses...not just that...I hadn't had any food all day...
End up talking to Night...told him about the ticket, he asked about my day...bad thing to do....I told him...and I told him the truth...and rather than try to understand...he judged me.... oh well...first fight has to happen at some time...
Shadow got upset because I was enraged...went upstairs and slammed the door (to the bathroom)
and then didn't want to talk about it ( in that girl sort of way) you know that way that girls get...they say they don't want to talk about it...yet make comments about it...until they get frustrated that you don't know what they're talking about...so in an exasperated tone they tell you everything...yeah Shadow had to deal with a bit of that... I calmed myself down...looked at him and told him that I'm sorry if this turns out to be $180 bucks of wasted money...because oh yeah I didn't happen to mention that its been about 12 hours and I haven't heard from Night...no email....no offline message...*sigh*
Anyway... Shadow and I just laid in bed and talked about other stuff... ya see he works on the 3rd level of hell...so he usually has some interesting stories about the morons he works with...LOL that got me back into my good mood.
I had to go into the 3rd level of hell the other day...but just into the reception area ;) I needed Shadow's keys...I can't find mine...go figure... actually Shadow put it "you don't lose your keys, you just never find them"... LMAO which is so true...
Have I ever mentioned that I hate Fake people....Oh...yeah I did didn't I ? ok never mind carry on...
anyway, I always get such strange looks from the people that work on the 3rd level of hell... maybe it's because they know that I should actually be upstairs from them...lol
(aside: just so you know Shadow works in a nine storey office building...the 3rd floor is the one he works on...as silly as that is...its funnier then hell because the 9th floor of the building is nothing but lawyers...roflmfao)
But anyway...I gotta run for now Krammit is taking me on an errand...oh yeah and btw everybody needs a krammit... I LOVE YOU KRAMMIT!!!!!
