I wake up I feel like I'm going to cry....I close my eyes I feel like I'm going to cry...

I open my eyes and look at him and I wonder to myself "what have I done?" thats not right....is it?

I see my baby I want to cry...I wonder about myself and want to cry...I think about my health and wonder....

I haven't written in a couple days because I've been walking around in a haze... "Never ever" it has such a feel of finality to it...I see those words and want to cry...
People judge me...when they don't know me... some empathize some sympathize others just judge...

I made my choice so it would be easier on him... it had nothing to do with me in the least... I knew if I stayed he would have gotten worse and the situation we found ourselves in would have been worse... I'm sorry I lied and said I was thinking of myself...you told me to never lie to you...and I did it again...I'm sorry...I just didn't want to see you in a bad place or a place you didn't want to be...
But now I sit and wonder...did I really do what is best for you... moneywise I think I did...

but now I feel trapped... more trapped than ever ...and I am still in a weird mindset... He hasn't seemed to notice tho...thats not good... he doesn't understand me... and I think I just made a mistake...
everyone is sick of me...sick of my flip flopping...sick of me not being able to make up my mind...I understand that....I am too...I'm sick of living in a state of confusion and wonder...

I find myself sabatoging everything here...just to see if he'll tell me to leave... but then again if he does...where will I go?? home? whats at home for me now? not much of anything yet everything that I want...
One man decided my fate...I man that I lost all respect for...a man that doesn't know me...a man that doesn't like me...
I love my shadow...he is my shadow...he's such a big part of me...and it was one man's fault... how is it that one man could have such power over my life and not even realize it...

If I were to take that plane who would get me on the other side... no one will believe that I'm coming home... no one would want to chance standing at the airport and not seeing me... and from the feeling I got...no one cares if I come home or not...
here I sit on the verge of tears again at the thought that I may never be loved as I once was... here I sit not caring about myself...

I am a Mom...I was blessed with that title seven years ago... now that it seems I may not see my children for a long time...it seems now is when I want to hug them and cuddle them and love them the most... I miss my babies...I want them on my lap...

I miss the smell of phoenix ;)

yeah only one person will get that one...lol and he knows what I'm talkin about there...

so here I am back to wondering... why oh why did I fuck up my life?

I want my shadow...I want my familiar face...I want my familiar town...I want my familiar touch...

I want him and he knows it...but I won't have that again...and it's so final now...that I just want to cry...

and damnit I want my krammit...I want to be able to call her and cry on the phone with her for an hour at a time...I want her to say"well do you need me to come over?" and actually be able too...

I want to fall asleep twiddling your hair thru my fingers...

I want I want I want I want.... "never ever again"