"I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other."
So as my day has been shitty all around today I've been trying to hang onto this feeling of contentment I had last night...
I had taken the boys and The Man out for a nice dinner at one of our favourite restaurants...then went and had a nice jovial meeting about boobs...and after that went out for coffee with an old friend of mine...
Boobs Meeting was a meeting for Project B a group of the NRG girls are going to be doing a group shot for the project and wanted to meet the photographer...I've already met him but wanted to go anyway...
Afterwards Piper met me at the bar and we headed over to the Timmies, grabbed a hot chocolate and then went out driving. He doesn't much like the city and we both love music so instead he drove us around...we sat by the canal for awhile, watching a boat go through, then ended up out in the middle of no where next to the lake...and we just put the seats back in the car, played our own version of name that tune/songpop with the mixed cd's he has in the car and just mellowed while watching the clouds pass by the near full moon...
It was really nice... I felt content...just laying back in the car gazing out the window up into the sky...sometimes seeing the stars so bright because of being out of the city...and other times watching this blanket of clouds moving across the sky like this blanket of shaving foam...
No expectations...No nothing... Just Piper and I hanging out... sometimes talking...sometimes not...
Finally rolled in the door at 5 this morning...feeling content....
Woke up this morning (noon) with a strange feeling...apprehension... I wasn't sure why or where it came from...tried to get rid of it...but it wasn't from anything I could pinpoint so I couldn't really get rid of it... so then everything started to crumble away...
So I didn't freak out... I didn't have a fit... I took a deep breath got back on my feet and said ... you've messed with the wrong woman...and you hit like a bitch...
It's when I get calm and thinking clearly that people need to be wary of me...
Really have Piper to thank for taking me out and getting me mellow for the ability to deal with the day I've had today.
I know I said while in Reno that I was there saying goodbye to Bing...and pretty much had every intention to because well I knew that he found May and wanted to pursue things with her...
I was trying to be an adult and step back away from my feelings for him and figured a clean break would likely be the best way...
road to hell is paved with the best of intentions...right?
when Bing said to me at the airport that we'd still talk and he had told me that he didn't want me out of his life...there was that small glimmer of hope that I somehow would find a way that I could for all intents and purposes sort of push him into the 'friend zone' or at least a lot closer then I had him before May came along...
I've not been able to.
I was really kidding myself thinking I could.
Everyday...whether it's his hoodies, his tag, his sweater, jogging pants, t-shirts, toque...I've generally got something of his on and wearing it...who exactly was I kidding...
A couple of weeks ago I asked him if he could send me a shirt back that I had left there. Of course offering to payback any monies he'd be out for shipping it back to me.
As I lay in my bed today curled in a little ball crying after speaking with him I realized that I was no where near close to being able to put him in a friend zone and continue to try to keep any sort of communication with him.
Lately we've not exactly been chatty and I of course get left with the feeling of...when I do talk to him...that I'm bothering him and that he would much prefer to be doing something else...that is when he does and is able to respond...
I had noticed that the only time he would talk with me was while he was at work... so I figured I was just sort of a distraction during his work day... but then it dawned on me... he was only talking to me while at work... probably meaning that was when May wasn't around... so today I finally asked him again if she had moved in... yep... a 'few' weeks after I left... I suppose that's better then the few hours I had predicted originally... so now everything was put into perspective... not willing to speak with me on skype...not really answering my texts on his days off...
If I had of known ahead of time...I likely would have just stopped trying to communicate with him at those times and definitely would have stopped asking him to speak to me... *shrugs*
Well now that I do know...I said I would do those things...
As a matter of fact I will stop bothering him altogether when I get my shirt back.
Twice I've laid myself out there baring it all out for him...stuff I barely have admitted to myself until it comes out when typing...and gotten nothing about it back from him...
I don't want that to happen again...there is nothing like exposing yourself completely to someone and having the equivalent of someone just standing there staring at you...you suddenly feel like a fool very quickly...
He doesn't understand what it is I go through on a daily basis...really no one does as I tend to keep it to myself...the deep dark stuff...and really I feel as if he doesn't care what it is I'm thinking, feeling or doing...for if he did...he'd ask...right?
Isn't that what people who love you do... they ask about you, about your life, about your health and family and everything?
That's what I do with my friends...the internet doesn't hold all the answers...not to that stuff...if it did then people would be a lot more honest...they wouldn't just say I'm ok... or everything is fine...
When I ask people how everything is and how they're doing it's because I care about them and really want to know...I don't care about or love many people... so when I do ask, it's because you might just be one of the very few people I do love.... and I want to know what's going on in your life and how you are down to your very soul...
People aren't like me... I'm finding this out every day...
When I told Bing today that I would fade away after I got my shirt back...he told me I was being melodramatic... I figured I'd just let him in on what I expected to happen and what I would be trying to do after I received my shirt back...
I was trying to be honest and up front.
I believe melodramatic would have been if I wailed...threw my arms in the air at the announcement that May and her (at least one) daughter was now living in a house that I really considered a home to me, proclaim that I just couldn't take another day of this loss and loneliness and that I was shedding this mortal coil and going to throw myself in front of an oncoming train in my finest dress after having eaten a very expensive meal...
That... I would think would me being melodramatic...*shrugs*
Me saying I'd leave him alone... well not alone alone...but...bah whatevs...
Any way...didn't really think that was being melodramatic...
I know guys aren't exactly known for being emotional or touchy feely or talking about how they're feeling... but just once I wish he'd let the guards down and tell me...you know...what he thinks/feels about what I've told him I'm going through...
damn him to hell for being able to just stow his shit and appear to be so unaffected by anything and everything...
Like I've said before...I'd like to be able to have the type of relationship I have with DrunkenMonkey with Bing...where we can talk about anything or nothing...have fun just shooting the shit...DrunkenMonkey has a girlfriend...she's alright with us talking...*shrugs*
I guess this time the Stones had it correct when they said you can't always get what you want...but I just might find...I'll get what I need... and in this case... I think I need to keep my crying...depressed...can't get him out of my head or heart...sad and lonely feeling self away from him...
That way I'm not making him feel bad, or sad, or guilty or anything...that way he can think of me when he wants to...not when I pop up in his phone...or he can just forget about me...that would probably be even better...
I've decided I want a tattoo...no news there... but it's what I want as the tattoo that I want... I wish I had it in Bing's handwriting but I guess I'll have to suffice with it in some other font...would be so much better if I could get him to write it out though and send it to me on a piece of paper...
...just a girl on the other side of another country...
Lots of people use tattoos as a release as well as a symbol of something important or big that happened in their lives...I did...my first one was...and even the ones on my feet...are symbols to me...
And that would be much more meaningful to me then just some random piece of flash work from an artists wall...
I just want to feel something...anything...besides pain and sadness.
I sent (the photographer) The Major a text the other day asking if he'd be interested in any black and white artsy type photos of the embodiment of sorrow...I could totally nail those at the moment...he said yeah...so when I see him next I think we'll definitely talk some more about those...they won't be pretty but then again...it's another form of release...
because God knows I'm not handling this the right way with scarfing down pizza and soda in order to have some sort of comfort food when I'm feeling really down...
I went to bed annoyed last night...simple reason...I asked a simple yes or no question and got no response...I don't mean...'like omg you didn't answer me within 5 minutes..'.I'm not one of those people but holy fuck a simple yes or no within the next oh I don't know three fucking hours isn't too much to fucking ask...at least I didn't think it was...but wtf ever...
So went to bed annoyed-ish...
Laid in bed reading...had just turned off the nook and put it down...got all comfortable and was just about asleep (or just asleep...) when the brain goes..wtf is that the phone?
Eyes fly open in realization...as I try to crawl over The Man...without stepping on the dog in the blackness that is our room...I glance at the clock while nakedly trying to open the door and notice that it's 4:07am...run nakedly to the living room (phone still ringing) pick it up... and hear dial tone...
Now I do have to say that while all this is happening the Manchild isn't home...it's the weekend...therefore he's at his father's so my first thought is omg he's in trouble...then next thought is omg The Man's mother is calling because something is wrong with his step father....then omg it's my mother there's something just wrong...and then somewhere in the stupid ridiculously hindered (because I've been told I'm not allowed to use the word retarded ever) part of my brain some little teeny fucking tiny retarded (fuck you, using it anyway) thought bubble is born that says..hey maybe it's Bing... REALLY?? Srsly?! fuck you brain!
So after hanging up and realizing that it was none of those people I check the voice mail...nope nada...oh and the call display had said Private Number...so it's not like I could call it back and say 'hey wtf it's 4am?!'
Go back to the bedroom grab the housecoat drop the phone off in case whatever big emergency that was calls back...grab a smoke and go outside to calm the eff down out on the cold porch where I'm now berating my brain for being so stupid...
Come back in...tiptoe back around the mammoth sleeping dog and crawl over the naked sleeping man...get back under the covers curling up to said naked man...and start to drift peacefully back to sleep...where apparently this time the cat has decided to give me a big 'fuck you...how dare you run around the house naked at 4am...I want to go upstairs...' by sitting outside of our bedroom door and yowling while trying to open the door to go upstairs with his nails...(rinse and repeat that a couple of times)
Yell at the cat...big sigh...try to go back to sleep...just about asleep when cat then decides...well maybe it was just the yowling that was bothering her and goes back to trying to open the front door to go upstairs...
Curse out cat in languages I'm not even sure I know...roll over to my other side to try to snuggle in to go to sleep...suddenly I feel like the ceiling is about to cave in on my head because now it's 8am and the Boychild...apparently waited too long before slipping out of his warm bed to go to the bathroom...and has now thrown himself from his bed and done some sort of acrobatic rolling maneuver with a spring landing over my head (upstairs) to get to their bathroom where he then has flung himself onto the toilet and when finished flushed it the loudest it has ever possibly been flushed...then does some sort of cirque du soliel spring, jump, leaping thing to get down the stairs and through the door to our part of the house so that he may claim 'mine!' to my computer in the living room to get his minecraft fix...
I blink, sigh...roll over and try to go back to sleep...muttering something about chaining him to his bed tonight...
Sleep finally starting to peacefully come over me (it's now taking a bit longer each time)...
Then comes the most disgusting sound a dog can make...and no I'm not actually talking about farting...dog owners should understand this one... the sound that comes from a dog when they're chewing on something or themselves with vigor... not so bad from a little dog....from 100 lb dog with a big mouth and no sense of being quiet...
Obviously something was literally biting his ass today...
Yell at Zuulie to stop biting...start to fall asleep again...yell at him to stop scratching....start to fall back to sleep...yell at him to stop biting....start to... well you get the picture...
Off goes the alarm clock...now it's 9:30am...Man mumbles about what time it is because he just got up turned it off and fell back into bed...
Yeah I got that hon thanks.
Mom's yelling so that must mean she's awake..."Mum...you have two new messages on your cell..." as Boychild walks in carrying my cell...sigh... 'thanks kid...make sure you're dressed and have had breakfast Auntie will be here within the next hour...' tell kid to take dog and put him in his crate...he hears 'let dog out...' and then proceeds to allow him to run about the living room and up and down the hall outside the bedroom
Alarm goes off again...Man gets it...falls back into bed where I'm now trying to forcibly make myself get some semblance of sleep...man tries to curl up sort of throwing an arm over me...to which I respond with 'please don't touch me'...as I squinch together my eyes real tight in the hopes of maybe getting some sleep which I know at this point is hopeless
Man gets up...goes to take dog out for his morning walk...comes back in tells Boychild that Auntie is indeed now here...
Boychild comes in to hug and kiss me before he leaves...I hear The Man outside talking to my sister and the dog going a bit nutso...heave a heavy sigh and realize...I am not getting anymore fucking sleep...
so everything has become stupid this and fucking that...because my vocabulary when sleep deprived and angry...not as impressive...
example...to The Man "Could you get me a fucking bottle of water and one of those stupid antibiotics?"
yep...highly intelligent this morning...
oh and somewhere in there I sent a text or two to my sister and to the Major...ay yi yi
The day had better get better... all these things separate are fine on their own...but when they all happen in the same fucking 5 hour period of time...fuck you world...you're lucky I don't own a gun...
I'm on some pretty heavy duty antibiotics at the moment...throat/chest infection... I'm down to just a cough now...
Burton and I had said the other day that we were going to stop being assholes to ourselves...
Yeah...the next day I was starving while out shopping and lo and behold ate a quarter pounder at McRaunchy's....oh was I sorry about that...
What people don't realize is that...once you've stopped eating grains (especially wheat) and then try to eat it again...it will do funny things to your body...such as either give you a stomach ache, give you the shits, give you a headache or...the one that I hope for when I do decide to be a fucking asshole...is I'll literally get high...
Yep I found out about it just before I went away to Reno... that there are endorphins that are released in your stomach (which explains comfort foods/emotional eating) that when you eat certain things will give you a high...and gluten is one of those things that will give you this almost runners high... so now when I'm feeling all bummed and all sorry for myself and want to do bad things I try to find the food that'll get me high... one of them I found out while I was in Reno...was the SMEGG...(Sausage and Egg McMuffin)... apparently the english muffin will make me high... lol
Cuts down on the cost of getting high...
however...still has other nasty side effects...
So what I've done to myself is entirely my own fault... I ate all sorts of shit food...and got so stuffed up...I literally get all sorts of 'allergic reactions' now to the shit food...so...got so stuffed up that I made myself sick...
So now I'm having to take meds 3 times a day to get rid of the infection I brought on myself...
meh...
I deserved it.
However...I do need to make myself better before next Wednesday...have to go see the photographer...and also meet up with another photographer for the Project B...think we're going to talk about the group shot...so no photos that day with him...but in the day time will be doing a couple of hours of picture taking...
Don't want to go there all puffy eyed and red nosed...(well thankfully my nose hasn't been all stuffy today)...
On the plus side... I got to watch The Man and DrunkenMonkey play Black Ops 2 together... at first I was all '...d'aw this is the first time you two have ever done anything together...' but then I got all '...muahaha hunt him down and shoot 'im in the head'... lol
So I watched and cheered as The Man sniped, killed and assisted in killing DrunkenMonkey...and then laughed when he killed The Man a couple of times...
Yep I'm an asshole who apparently is easily entertained....lol
Went to see Dr Awesome last week... told him about some of my aches and pains that I was having...and also asked him if he could take a 'look' at my ankle...
He told me about a very rare syndrome I have that not very many people experience and after telling me what it is I completely understand why not many people experience this...
it's called 'Shrinking Syndrome'... lmao
People will feel the affects of their body trying to realign itself after losing a whole bunch of weight...some will get it in their shoulders...some will get it in their hips...apparently I'm getting it in both...because when you lose weight from your bottom half it comes off both the front and the back...so your hips get a little confused and then especially for women when losing weight up top it's generally just in the front...so the shoulder muscles start wondering what the fuck happened...so need to keep doing my stretches to keep putting myself back together...
Dr Awesome, since he is pretty much legally blind, was an awesome pick to check out my ankle first...he did most of it by feel. Also he has many plates and screws himself and has had to deal with this sort of stuff himself. At first when I told him what I thought was happening he didn't seem to think that's what was happening... but then by the look on his face as he was feeling around my ankle and feeling the plate and where it was and then feeling the lump that I think is a screw he was of the same opinion and told me to call the surgeon so that I could get some xrays and really find out what's going on...
There is a small lump above the swelling that's hard to see in this pic and that of course is where the screw head is.
Now he said that the worst that could happen is that they give me a local in my ankle make a small incision and he gets out his trusty screwdriver to take the screw out right in the office... however I think the worst thing that could happen is I find out that the screw is coming out, there's small fractures around the plate and I have to get a cast because my being on it is causing it to not heal properly...but ya know that's just off the top of my head...
Am I freaking out a bit? Yes!
Am I going to stop? No, probably not... Not until I go to my appointment tomorrow and find out what's what...
But while talking about health stuff... here's an interesting little something... my knuckles... (two index fingers and one middle finger) have finally fully healed after me tearing them to shit while at Bing's house on his punching bag...however... I now have three more scars to add to the collection of scars I have on my hands and knuckles...
hrm... I wonder if Bing would let me rent a room off of him for a week just so I could use his punching bag.. totally stay out of his way...wouldn't even know I was there...I'd get some peace and quiet...a lovely setting...and a punching bag to take any and all aggressions out on... lmao... I'm thinking No...
He's probably getting used to the idea of not hearing from me...let alone seeing or hearing me...
Meh...anyway...
I've made myself sick with my not giving a fuck... off the top of my head what I can name this last week that I've eaten that I shouldn't...
chocolate bars, deep fried pickles, pizza, timbits, hot chocolate...
Yeah not exactly sticking to my diet there...and therefore have given myself headaches, allergy symptoms as well as a sore throat...though that could be due to smoking...*shrugs*
I should care and I should stop as well...but meh...
I've even asked a couple of people how do you start caring again...they didn't know...
Apparently Squasha was down visiting and for some reason laundry service from his hotel brought his underpants and watch over while I was asleep and hung up (yes on a hanger) his underpants just inside my door.
After a little while suddenly Squasha stumbled through the door naked and yanked his underpants off the hanger and started to get dressed right there in the front entry way.
When I asked him what was up and why he was stumbling he said that he had just got back from a dentist's appointment and he was still really woozy and half of his face was still frozen.
So I offered to drive him and his rental car back to the hotel and The Man was to follow in my car.
They agreed and Squasha also offered that his friend was waiting for him at the hotel and that she'd make sure that he was fine for the rest of the evening.
Walked Squasha into the hotel and up to his room giving him a hug and a good luck in the hallway just before the door opened and there to my huge surprise was May (yes, May...as in Bing's new girlfriend). She looked all worried and hug Squasha without seeing me at first, probably good since the look on my face was one that shouldn't be seen by any. When she did see me finally she tried to conceal her look of surprise and guilt and started to say something, but I just put up my hand and walked back downstairs not listening.
I heard a party going on in one of the ballroom's of the hotel and it sounded very much like drumming, like DRD drumming. So I popped open the door as if I were supposed to be there and filed through the crowd, as I got to the stage area the DRD stopped and said they'd be back after a short break.
I went to say hi to them but a woman stepped in front of me and did one of those OMG! I haven't seen you in a long time type yells and action as she put her arms out to hug me. However, it was one of the derby girls (Assassin) whom I'd just seen the night before...she was really drunk.
As I was stepping away from her Utu walked up to me and said hello as we hugged. We hugged and hugged, he scooped me up, lifting me up and placing me down so that I could sit on top of a table and continue hugging him. He made no move to stop or withdraw from the hug and actually put my legs around his waist so that I was hugging him completely.
I could feel at that moment all tension draining out of me and I started to smile, a real one. All he said as I started to smile (even though he couldn't see it) was 'Now isn't that better?'
Just as I was about to answer, Bing walked in, gaze immediately finding mine over Utu's shoulder and he started to make a beeline directly for us (since Utu was still standing there hugging me) and in a low voice and a really nasty look all he said was 'What the fuck is going on?' Utu stood up and sighed as all tension came flooding back into me, Utu kissed my cheek and walked away. Leaving me sitting on top of a table nearly as tall as Bing, with Bing standing right in front of me looking angry. I just shook my head and said "I told you."
I was holding it together until The Man said... "Are you alright?"
*chuckles*
Tonight I made it 4 and a half episodes of My Little Pony before starting to tear up...
Yep I'm a ridiculous twit. *le sigh*
At least The Man doesn't make fun of me about it... he gives me a lil smile, nods and says "I know"
*shakes head*
I came home last year from Reno with a new appreciation and love for both the Power Puff Girls...and My Little Pony Friendship is Magic...
and because of watching it with Bing and watching a sort of parody/fun redo of it called Friendship is Witchcraft (this year)... it just reminds me of him...
I have a plushie of Rainbow Dash to remind me of all our fun and good times...and left him with a Pinkie Pie to do the same... (apparently I do things that remind him of Pinkie Pie sometimes...think it was my randomness at times)...
so I've not been able to make it all the way through the second season because I just tend to think about him too much and get really verklempt...so I was pretty happy that I had made it through 4 episodes...
maybe when I get to season 3 it won't be quite as bad...and maybe with each following season I'll be able to just smile a little and remember how I watched the first season and it was fun and not get sad...
"I remember feeling so sad when you broke your ankle, you were so enthused and raring to go about roller derby. I remember you were one of the first ones to get different wheels for your skates. Those bright blue ones that look like gummy bears, they're all clear but bright blue. I hope you can get back on your skates soon."
A quote from one of the girls at the 80's themed derby prom we had last Saturday. It was a lot of fun. I believe I had a good time. There seems to be a lot of pictures of me smiling or laughing. I don't really remember outwardly being happy though.
The Man came home the night before. I'm glad he did. I'm sure he was sick of hearing me crying on the phone from 5 hrs away. I wasn't ready to be on my own with the kids yet. The facade falls away after they go to bed.
So because he was home we had to run around and find him an 80's themed outfit for the prom. He looked a lot different. In high school he was the guy that pretty much started the emo movement long black trench coat, black silk shirt, black jeans, black docs... so to see him do this look...way fun... and even though he isn't wearing the eye liner any more...he's still rocking the hawk with the bushy beard...it's kind of awesome the things he'll do for me.
Burton was my date for the evening and we kept telling every one that The Man was our taxi driver. Unfortunately The Man wasn't thinking that night and didn't get a pic of Burton and I dancing together.
One thing that definitely was interesting to watch was all the latent lesbianism come seeping out as the party goers got more and more drunk. I agree with Burton... She said one of the reasons she wouldn't do anything with anyone from derby is it seems that they require to be drunk to do it.
Also I know I could be a very big drinker...but when we all get together to party whether it's the end of the year function or after parties...these derby girls sure know how to pack away the booze.
I was glad to see that Leethal came out that night...she busted her right ankle pretty badly the Monday before. I felt bad that she did. I broke my fib when I went down in June but she did both her fib and tib...I definitely can understand her pain.
Freshmeat training started this past Monday...bit sad that I couldn't be there skating with them...
Even though I got the doctors note saying I could go back to training in a non-full contact role...my ankle's been bugging me enough to make the right decision and stay off of it longer. I may still go to the Rainbow Rink in the states to do a bit of skating, but not on a weekly basis or anything. I'll be seeing how I'm feeling about it in the new year and hopefully get back to practice.
I was talking to one of the girls on Saturday about some of the reactions I've gotten about me getting back on my skates, and just sort of shook my head. If people don't skate or derby, they just don't get it, they don't get the addiction to it, they don't get the awesomeness you feel while doing it. No amount of trying to explain it to them will ever get them to understand. It's like how Burton loves loves loves the endurance portion of training, even I think she's nuts but I at least understand.
The amount of fucks I don't give are going to slowly start killing me again...
Been a few times now in the last month that I've had breads or starches...and even though I keep waking up miserable and my pains are coming back... I can't seem to force myself to care...
I was going to do a bigger post about what's been going on with life but really... again... can't seem to get myself to care enough to do it...
I'm not back to skating... I'm not back to working out... I'm not any richer then I was before... I'm not smoking any less...
My motivation that kept me going before is gone... I know I'm supposed to keep myself motivated but... *shrugs*
I hardly do anything just for myself...
When the reason I was doing it all stopped ... I just stopped... and now... I couldn't really give a fuck if I wanted too...
Ok so this last month was full of stress and food I'm not supposed to eat so this morning when getting out of bed I wasn't looking forward to this mornings weigh in and measurement taking...
That I wasn't sure of the differences between my wii balance board and Bing's scale... so yeah...
Ankles - L 9 (+0.5) R 8 (same)
Calves - L 15 (same) R 15.25 (+0.25)
Thighs - L 23 (+1.5) R 23 (+1)
Wrists - L 6 (-0.25) R 6 (same)
Forearm - L 10 (same) R 10 (same)
Biceps - L 12.5 (-0.25) R 12.5 (same)
So overall not a whole lot of changes...but better then I had thought originally so I guess I'm happier with the results then I thought I was going to be...
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