I Think It's Time...

For two months I suppressed it. I continued to believe what was said, even when there was a hot boulder sitting in my gut.

I trusted too much and gave too much - in the end I got lies, half truths, my dignity stripped away and worst of all...

He raped me.

I've noticed that I make it sound like much less by saying that he 'sexually assaulted' me - but when you boil it down it was rape.

I was asked if I would do a certain sexual thing - I said no. I did consent to something else. We were in the midst of doing the thing I consented to, then without asking he started doing the thing I did not consent to, nor had I changed my mind and suddenly consented to it.

Apparently my saying no and to stop, finally made it's way through his foggy, alcohol soaked mind because he did stop. No apology or check in to see if I was alright. Went back to what I did originally consent to finished up and went to sleep.

I was left wondering if I had somehow made it seem like I did change my mind, did I perhaps make it seem like I wanted him to do that. In his drunken state did it seem like I had said yes...?

I went to sleep thinking that perhaps it was my fault that it had happened.
Woke up the next day and he didn't seem to acknowledge what had happened and I didn't bring it up, I was still trying to figure out what exactly had happened and did I in some way make that happen.

We went out together that next day and as time went on I buried it down and didn't acknowledge it. We went to friends house for a party and were having fun, there was drinking and merriment. Then suddenly I woke with a start at like 7 in the morning, he was laying there next to me, and suddenly I had an enormous panic attack. All I knew was that every fibre of my being was screaming at me to get out of that house and to get away.

I drove home. About halfway home I realized that I likely shouldn't have been driving because I still had too much alcohol in my system. Also that I had been his ride home and essentially left him behind.

I suppressed it all. Pushing the feelings down, and the emotions.

You see... I love him - yes still present tense. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish that I could talk to him. I miss all the fun we had together, the places we went together, the things we did.
When those thoughts come up I just think about all the lies that he told me, all the ways that he used me, how he made a fool out of me, and then finally how he raped me that night in my own bed and then acted like nothing happened.

I'm thankful for the help that I sought out, and the positivity in my life now; because I'm still waking up smiling in my heart again.
I needed to get this off my chest. Up until now I had only confided in a few close friends as I still felt so very vulnerable with my healing. Now I'm feeling stronger, and ready to just clear the air around me so that I can go on with my life.

I know I'll never get an apology for all the hurt that he caused me, I have to move on without him ever admitting all the things he did.
It's been good now. I've moved so I no longer am sleeping in the room where he stole my control and sexually abused me.

I don't want to see him, I don't want him in my life anymore; he raped me.

He. Raped. Me.

On My Own.

On my first derby roadtrip of the year without him.
I did go to Montreal once this year without him, but had him on hand to send a message to when I was nervous or sort of freaking out.

I've picked up and put down my phone so many times because I've wanted to send him a message and tell him something funny, show him an old car, send a picture of a rooster, tell him about a conversation I had just had with someone.

I don't think we've ever gone over 24 hrs without sending a message of some sort in over a year and a half... I'm feeling the sting of it.

Dreaming... Can be weird...

I just awoke from this beautiful dream... It was quite amazing...
There was this wonderfully beautiful spirit of a man, who helped me (figure some shit that's not relevant)
I was at this hotel in this place I didn't know. I couldn't remember my room number...
He said he would help me...
He had this head of soft brownish auburn hair, it had this lovely natural curl to it. This charming almost impish type smile, with these beautiful dimples that appeared from no where when he smiled.
I had felt so lost - I had remembered my key code number to get into my room, but he helped me get to the front desk, get the info needed.
He put his hand at the small of my back as if to protect me from anyone else while I was feeling vulnerable.
I was escorted all the way back to my room by him, he insisted on carrying the tote bag I had with me.
As we got to my door, he had been talking to me the whole way with this soft tone, and just made me smile as he calmed my nerves.
After I got my door open, he gave me a charming smile a small wink, joked about a damsel in distress. When our eyes locked I couldn't breathe for a moment, my breath hitched slightly, I smiled as I began to try to thank him.
He stepped forward wrapping an arm around my waist and kissed me. Not hard or intrusive, not insistent or explorative - just this beautiful little lingering kiss that made electricity shoot through my body, my breathing stop, my eyes instinctively closed, and there was a trapped little whimper on my lips.
It lasted but a moment... But it was amazing... And that one kiss told me all I needed to know... When I opened my eyes his big brown puppy dog eyes were looking back at me, and he smirked and said 'You're welcome'

Then I woke up... Because I didn't recognize that man... But I know who he was...

I woke up smiling. My insides all a flutter and my lips feeling as though they had just been kissed.

I Still Love My Babys Poundcake

Sometimes the hardest thing you can ever do is give up...

I've always prided myself on the fact that I don't give up when doing something, or when I want something. I find a way to make it happen if I can.

As a recovering addict, and someone who has an addictive personality sometimes giving up is exactly what I have to do.

I've worked really hard on myself, to make myself better and look at myself in a better light.
I use to drink, do drugs, and have sex essentially wherever I could get it. I had to dig deep and learn some very ugly truths about myself - I was ashamed. I was selfish. I was uncompassionate. I was insecure. I was stupid. I was guilty. I was reckless.

Learning the ugly truths about yourself is how you can learn, grow and change to become a better person.

Counselling, 12 step program, Depression, Anxiety, Therapy...

I didn't want to hurt people anymore. I didn't want to sleep with others husbands...or wives... I didn't want to contribute to their immoral acts against their loved ones. I didn't want to continue to look for love in sex. I didn't want to just be a bed warmer for a few hours, day after day. I didn't want to be a part of disgusting behaviours.
I didn't want to wake up in the mornings anymore not knowing what happened the night before, not remembering who I may have been with and how I may have been with them.

Getting high...Getting drunk...Getting fucked...all pretty euphoric...all pretty addictive.

Soon that's how I would deal with stress...how I dealt with anything really...

Today I had to give up on someone...that's hard. I'm notorious for giving at least eleventy billion chances to people...

Hell I gave Sugarbear 4 years of my life - hoping that he would someday see that I'm a beautiful soul and a great person...that I make an exceptional partner in crime...that we could take on the world together and we would be unstoppable rockstars...
Oh yeah...and it nearly killed me... I nearly killed myself. I nearly lost myself in the depths of the darkest depression.

****

April-ish it would have been one year of me sitting on stand-by, being a pseudo girlfriend, partner in crime...well you get the drift... I told Poundcake this morning that I couldn't do that anymore.
I can't hold onto hope for something that isn't going to happen. I feel like after this long it's become blazingly clear that I'm not the one he wants. If I was, I feel like it would have happened.
So instead of making a fool of myself any longer while he stepped out with another, and drinks his life away...I said goodbye to that portion of our life. It makes my heart sore...we could have been the rockstars...we could have been the ones to take on the world together... we've always had so much fun together... we have so many inside jokes...funny moments that make us giggle... he could have had the love and devotion of someone... I could have had my Poundcake and eat it too...lol

In less time Poundcake... had me - fully and completely.
I told him things I never told anyone - I shared stories with him
We would talk for hours at a time about anything and everything...

Then things started to change...
He looked at his phone more often when I was trying to tell him something.
He stopped asking me about my day or how I'm feeling...
He stopped trying to make me smile as much...
He would say 'Pardon...' more often when I would watch his attention divert...
He became secretive...stopped sharing things with me..
He started drinking even more...would care more about the percentage of the alcohol in the drink than, what I was saying to him...
His quips became less banterish and more cruel...
It became funny to put me down in front of other people...
He stopped showing any signs of PDA... and would give me quick secretive kisses before getting out of the car...
He started caring more about the LCBO, the craft breweries, wineries...we hardly went to fleamarkets or out for walks anymore...
He use to wish me a good morning every morning with a lil emoji kiss...
He use to wish me a good night with a little emoji kiss...
The emoji kisses ...became few and far between...then stopped.

Even when all the changes started...they were all small...so I didn't really notice them...then I woke up one day and went...wait... why am I always texting first now...?

Then I realized it had been like that for a bit, and slowly the light was getting brighter and brighter on all the changes that had been happening...

And there was a dawning - if I'm no longer getting his attention and affections...someone else is..

I had a dream the one night that shook me to the core and I wasn't sure exactly why it shook me - the answer came last night when I saw the two of them together...

The silver fox and the tick disguised as the ladybug.

That's when I knew - I had to be done - because if I wasn't, I would go down the Sugarbear path all over again...

I was in such a white rage last night that I woke up so very calm this morning - that scary, quiet, very still calm - that's when I knew I was done.

I'm convinced now that I will never find someone that I love that will ever love me as much as I love them... Big Daddy... Sugarbear... Poundcake...

I'm done. My heart is broken. I will never find that someone that I love with my all and have them love me. Third strike... I'm out.

How can anyone hurt someone to this point?
How can they know that they have broken another persons heart and spirit?
How can they do that?

Not again.

Let's talk about 'Sex'...

Sex for so many is a means to an end... They want to get off... So that's the only thought behind it...

And of course there's so many different types of sex (the act of) nowadays.

I've come to realize that for myself... I want everything in my life to have meaning, to make me feel a joy in my soul as well as in my being.

When I come together with someone... I want to be fully immersed in that moment together, with them.

I want to run my hands and fingers over their skin, and see in their eyes that feels good... I want them to do the same, to watch as my breathing changes, my body trembles a bit as I fall deeply into that moment of pleasure.

I want to take my time with them, savouring every touch, every groan or whimper as the pleasure builds between us.
I want to be able to see, hear, smell and touch, everything in those moments...just see where it all goes without thought of do they like this...do they want to do this...
Just total immersion...and riding the waves with them as the journey moves on.

I want to lock eyes with them and just know that there's no where else we'd rather be then right there rising up together and just holding on as we get near the end.

Afterwards, I want to be able to lay there, slowly stroking their arm or leg or chest, as we lay entwined together coming down and recovering from the pleasurable experience that was just had, to be able to slowly disconnect and slip out of the immersion of it all, together.

I'm not discrediting a good quickie behind the shed, or something, because ya need some excitement sometimes... I'm talking with a loving partner in the bedroom, great sex.

Because really... If I just wanted to bust a nut... I can do that myself with an orgasm better than any I've gotten from others. That's not a slight to any partners I've had... I just know my body better.

No Take Backs

I said the words last night. I said them out loud to someone I love. It was the first time I told anyone even the vaguest details of what happened to me that day when I was alone in the hospital.

I hadn't told anyone. I hadn't even said them out loud to myself.

It was because I was trying to connect with them, giving them a bit of insight into the trauma of losing my child.
I shed tears, and had too much wine.

They thought in that moment that I was trying to one up them. They took my confession the wrong way, it made me sad that I was just trying to open up to them.

Now I can't take those words back.

Old Life...New Place...

The moments when he asks What's wrong and I keep answering with 'nothing' because it's easier to say that instead of trying to form the words to say, I already told you yesterday what's wrong and we haven't addressed it because I would likely just break down and start crying... instead of just releasing a few tears at a time like the rest of the day.

How my teeth and jaw hurt from clenching back my truth, because I don't want to be a bother, because I don't want to hear his truth...

How my throat hurts from swallowing back questions...comments... probably silly corny stuff...

How my head hurts because of trying so hard to not cry right now.

How I just want the dryer to finish so that I can make the bed...curl up in it...go to sleep and just get on with tomorrow.

How my heart hurts because I miss him already and he's still right in front of me...but too busy unpacking his old life in his new place.

Will It Work...?

I'm sitting here feeling sick in my stomach.
Not the oh my god I think I'm going to vomit sick, the everything doesn't feel like it's going to go well sick.

I've been trying to be okay, doesn't help that I've forgotten to take my medication for the last few days. Just grabbed it and took it.
I'm obviously not okay, I've been asked what's wrong and why do I seem so depressed this afternoon.

Well truthfully it's because life is about to change again, and for me, not in a good way.
I'm happy for Noise, he's moving on from the issues he's had and life is getting better for him, going to be closer to work and away from the reason he moved to this city to begin with. He's getting to start the next chapter of his life, I hope for him that everything goes well and life is good for him.

He's moving further away from me... means longer trips to see him, and he likely won't be making trips down to see me.

I don't see how this is going to work out for us. Well whatever Us there is... because well that's still swinging in limbo.
I don't want to fight to have something work, especially if it's just me fighting for it.

I guess I just don't know if it is just me wanting this for us...

What's Going To Happen Next...?

I've been entirely too comfortable in the situation I've been in since the long weekend at the beginning of August.

I have essentially been living in Guelph, with Noise.
For reasons that aren't my business to be sharing, needless to say I've been driving him back and forth from Guelph to Stratford every morning for work, and from Stratford back to Guelph each evening after work. To some that might be a huge inconvenience, I've actually really been enjoying it.

It's coming to an end at the beginning of October, I'm sure he'll be glad to be rid of me and not have to deal with silent car rides or my dislike of loud music in the morning.
I'm going to be sad, I know I am because I'm already sad as the days tick on. I've really enjoyed staying with him. As I've said a bit too much I think.

It's weird, I was so excited about moving into a new apartment down in St Catharines, but now when I've been there I just sort of feel like a visitor in what's suppose to be my own home.

I haven't been great at showing or hiding my emotions at times. This has been no different. I feel the end coming. I started to well up a couple of times. I'm gonna miss him and the days we've had together.

Ridiculous notion came into my head the other day while I was doing some errands around Stratford... Lots of the stores that I went to all had help wanted signs up and on more than one occasion I actually found myself saying 'hm I could work here' - to myself of course.

I don't know how to say what it is that I'm thinking at the moment, and I fear if I was to say any of it that it would likely just freak him the fuck out. So I keep things to myself.
I've been genuinely happy - since about April. Happy with myself especially. I feel like I woke up and came back to myself after all the unpleasantness that I had been through and shut myself away because of.

I don't know what's going to happen from here on out - my life has been sort of hanging in a weird limbo of uncertainty, which I've been oddly okay with...until now.

Something for the last couple of days has been gnawing at me and I can't quite put my finger on it. Perhaps I just don't want to admit it either. It's going to be painful. It's going to be a change that I'm not going to like...I'll adapt. I always do after all.

It's what I do. I help. I fix. Then I'm on my way, sometimes voluntarily sometimes not. Can't hold on to something too tightly or it slips away even faster. We shall see though - like they always say No One Knows The Future... except the Shadow knows...lol

I just wish I had the stability to put my feet down - hanging in limbo can get so taxing on the soul and the spirit.

What's going to happen to me?

Vulnerability Is Not My Forte

I did it.
I got through it.

I told my truth, told of my hurt, the betrayal, the similarities, and I got to the other side...with only a few tears shed.

He didn't back away, he didn't look at me like I'm some hideous monster, he didn't get angry or mad at what I had to say.

He couldn't hold my hand... I was driving.

He slid his hand between my arm and my side, and held my arm as I drove and continued to pour out the emotions, thoughts, and feelings that had been bogging me down.

When I stopped the car at the end of the journey... I felt lighter. Even a bit more free.

I forgave him, though I hadn't forgotten, there was an ache that I had still been covering up and holding back.

I'm not good with rejection - not being able to tell my truth fully and on my terms feels like a door closing in my face.

I need to be heard and understood while bleeding out vulnerability and fear. I don't need prompt responses, I need well thought out understanding and patience, as I scrub my mind of the atrocities, as they fade away and are replaced by beauty.

I'm Still Here - Birthday

In 11 days I will be celebrating my 40th birthday...

My birthday is really important to me, more so now then when I was a kid.
I truly believe that I've been living on borrowed time...there's 3 times in my life that I've either flat-lined or been close to dying or the doctors didn't know how I was still alive let alone conscious.

So to me each year is a gift - it's probably why I love so intensely, so fully and why I just take the moments to experience everything I can... from taking a moment to appreciate the cloudiness of the day before walking into the house...to standing in the rain and smiling...literally stopping to smell the flowers when I can...listening to the silence of the night...watching a bug crawl by...feeling - everything.

Overall I am happy with my life, and happy to have it - I'm glad I it wasn't taken from me when I had tried to end it before.

Lately my happiness hasn't been shown outwardly enough for some - I'm really not all bouncy, giggly, and all laughs when I'm happy. I'm much more introspective now. Obviously I laugh or smile at jokes, I just don't feel the need to be goofy to show happiness. Maybe that's me just getting old...lol

I know there's a lot of people out there who just don't care about their birthdays, my father is one of them, and I get that. It's not about presents to me it's about presence. I want to spend my day with people who truly care that I'm alive, that appreciate my presence in their lives, that care that I am still walking this big ball of dirt - with people I love very much.

It's been a struggle, a fight, at times a massive war to get to 40...there's been trauma, abuse of all kinds, medical issues, heart breaks, anxiety, depression, deaths... so you're damn right I'm going to celebrate still being here...I just wish those I love would be too.

Where Do I Start...

It's been so long and so much has happened that I'm not even sure where to start any more...

I wish I did.

I feel like I have so much to say right now...it won't come out.

I thought perhaps if I came back and dusted off the old blog that perhaps the words would just flow and I could get things off my mind...out of my chest...out into the ether that is cyber space and perhaps I would start to feel like me again.

Now that I've sat down on my new bed...in my new apartment... I can't seem to get the words to come out.

Maybe if I just keep coming back again and have verbal diarrhea enough, I'll get out something.

Gotta brush the rust off.

Appreciation and Expectations

I don't have a hidden agenda or malicious motivations, or even unreasonable expectations when I help my friends out or offer to do stuff for them.

I try to be a good person and a good friend to those I care about.
By helping them out any way that I can that isn't monetary, because face it, I'm broke.

It's very common for me to want to try to fix a situation that might be causing them issues, frustrations or annoyances. Mainly because I want to see the people I care about be happy.

Maybe that's lofty of me to think that I could solve other peoples problems but, in reality I try to only offer help or advice in areas that I think I could help out in.

I don't generally expect anything in return, possibly the ability to call on them in my time of need without thinking that I'm bothering or pestering them, which I generally don't do unless it's an absolute must because I'll feel like a burden to them if I ask for assistance. When I do ask for help in some way though I do try to make it up  to them. Buy them lunch, make them a nice dinner, offer up a massage and of course I always let them know that I'm thankful for their help.

I don't really understand people who do things for others just to see what they can get out of them. The people that do the 'Well I helped you with this...so you should do this... for me.'
Or they lord it over you with the 'Well you remember that time that I did this for you.'

That's being a dick...not being a friend.

I had a conversation with a friend of mine with whom I really haven't spoken to in about 9 years. We have said hi how are ya but that's about it over the last few years but never anything too major. I let them know that I was concerned and a bit worried about them because they've been having nightmares quite frequently. They were surprised that I would care at all about what was going on with them or that I would put any thought into trying to help them figure out why they were having them.

I explained that just because we stopped talking and haven't really said much to each other in the last decade doesn't mean I just suddenly one day stopped caring about them.

For the people I care about I wish to be a bright spot in their day...or week...or lifetime. I wish for those I help out, care about and hang out with to smile when they hear my name and say 'she really helped me out when...' or 'she made me feel better when...' Something that makes them have a good thought.
With so much negativity in the world...when there's so many people out there who would rather see us all fail because they're miserable in their own lives... I just want to bring some joy and happiness maybe even some colour to peoples lives...

I read a picture on FB the other day that said 'Don't expect others to do for you what you do for them, their heart isn't like yours.' and also 'Expectations are the downfall of every relationship.'

They both rang very true to me... especially when you read the relationship to mean any relationship you have with any human being... I have a relationship with  my kids, my parents, my friends at different levels, and even the relationship I have with myself... it all boils down to the root of the word relationship...relate...how do you relate to others around you and how are they related or relating to you... All my relations... anyway... it doesn't always mean a couple who are committed to each other in a loving bonded sort of way... This is why it's best to know the English language when trying to communicate with others in discussions...but that's another blog for another time...

I realize that I get disappointed in people when I hold them to the expectations that I hold myself at. I expect myself to be thankful and to tell my friends that I love them and that they are important to me and show that by being helpful, remembering small things like their favourite colours or when their birthdays are... I expect myself to show up in support of someone elses loss of a dear family member even if I've not talked to them in 5 years... I expect myself to give pieces of myself away to others even when they have no idea I've done it... I expect myself to respond to a text from someone, even if it's just an acknowledgement to that person that I received their text...

I also realized that some days I need to lower the expectation bar on myself so that I stop wearing myself a bit thin.

I've made myself a very small group of friends...which is bad in a way when three of them live on the West coast of the United States...but hey we do what we can... the other four that I have here...well...they're all dealing with their own shit...and as much as I try to help them out... I know they need to deal with their own stuff on their own at times...and I also know that even though they are in my very small circle of friends of near and dear and I love them... I'm not in theirs.

And sometimes people set an expectation bar pretty high themselves...like when they treat me a certain way I expect that's how they will always treat me... like driving 2 hrs home to spend 4 hours with me before having to go to bed to sleep and then get up for work again the next morning, driving the 2 hours back again... or finding out that I have an achy body after practice so pouring me a glass of wine and drawing me a beautiful bubble bath before giving me a massage... which after time apparently becomes 'oh that sucks...' while they lay on a couch watching a sitcom...

When you lead with one and turn into the second...it brings about disappointment... I'm not saying I always want or need wine, bubbles and a rub... that's exhausting and would become routine...but a little more compassion...

But anyway I digress...

People tend to set their own expectation bars with how they treat you or at least that's what they do with me... Oh you treated me like this...well I guess this is what I can expect from you from now on...
Not saying that right off the bat you should set it low...but you should never set it so high that you can't keep it up...

I got so far down this topic of expectation I totally lost where my original thought was going...lol

I want to bring happiness to peoples lives by helping them how I can. I don't expect a parade in my honour...but a heartfelt and sincere thank you is appreciated...and goes a long fucking way.

Sticky Words

Sometimes someone will say something to you and it will just stick with you. You try to shake it off or convince yourself that it's not true, but it doesn't matter how hard you try, you just can't shake it.

A month ago in a moment of frustration and anger someone called me a selfish bitch.

It was like a slap in the face with cold water while someone shoved a knife in my back.

I put others first, I try to help them however I can, and I always try to consider their feelings.

So to be called selfish, wounded me. I was hurt by someone who said they would never want to hurt me.
By someone who continually hurts my feelings without thought or perhaps without knowing or maybe without caring.

I talk myself into thinking that they care about me and that if push came to shove that they would have my back. But...would they?

I asked them if they really did think I was selfish. It's been awhile since they called me that and I wanted to see if they really did.

They said no after seeming a bit surprised by the question.

It helped a bit with the nagging part of my brain that kept me wondering if that's how they truly see me.

There's very few people whose opinions matter to me, this person is one. It sucks that there is some days where I'm left wondering whether or not they even like me.

So many times they barely look at me or talk to me and yet...there's other times where they make me feel like the most important person.

It's a crazy head game that needs to stop being played.

The Longest Night

I understand that with my particular and peculiar skill set that I'm seen as weird or crazy, I've come to accept that.

I'm highly intuitive, empathic and highly sensitive to the things that people can't see or understand.

This all gets kicked up a notch from October to December.
That's when The Dark Time is...the longest night...so to speak.
The veil between the world and that of the after life thins, messages come from our ancestors and loved ones beyond. This is also the time when those close to their own end will step through the veil.
Also when those of us sensitive to it ride the line between the two and get the messages intended for others.

So often when this time is upon us I withdraw a bit because of the noise around me. This year it seems messages are coming in a bit early...and man is the sender trying their hardest to a message across.

I just don't know what to do when the person who is supposed to be getting it is ignoring the messages.

Some spooky shit has been happening already and it's just coming onto October now, not looking forward to the next month or so.

I don't like when the messages are for me and I can't do anything about them. Going to need to start blocking that shit out.

Saved My Life...Twice.

I started this post a few weeks ago...probably a couple months ago now since it's nearly October...and I didn't have it in me to share it with anyone... I'm not sure why I am now... but I need to put it out there.


For awhile a lit bit ago... I was very seriously depressed and locked within my own head... it was very hard for me to deal with it.

I went to work...went to derby...went to the gym...went to bed... that is how my schedule has been for the last few weeks.

I have a job that takes very little brain power...so for an extreme over thinker such as myself it left my brain free to think about everything and over think everything as well.

I try very very hard to hide my depression when I'm in the midst of a spell of it like that.
I don't want for my friends and especially my family to see how dark my thoughts can be.
The idea of them knowing scares me a bit...what if they reject me because of those thoughts...or even worse try to have me committed because of them.

I joke around with some of my friends by saying stuff like 'I need adult supervision...' when doing something as easy as putting on sunblock.

A couple of weeks back I went to the beach twice with Sugarbear (...I really do need a new nickname for him...and soon...) in the span of a week. The first time a blanket was brought and some refreshments and we stayed for awhile...
I swam out and just kept swimming until I looked back at one point and everyone seemed small on the beach...Sugarbear was laying on the blanket. I turned and swam out further and was accompanied with the thought of...if I drown out here there would be no mess to clean up...if I just keep swimming eventually I wouldn't be able to continue...
I turned back and saw SB on the blanket and he was laying with his face turned toward the water...and even if he wasn't looking at me at the time it looked like he was...and I felt a bit guilty, I swam back in...and shortly after that we left.
Ended up having a nice dinner and a nice evening together...but in the back of my mind I knew...I knew that I had wanted to keep swimming and not come back earlier.

The second time I had sent SB a text earlier in the day suggesting we go take a dip in the lake after work. When he didn't answer me by the time after work rolled around I showed up at his place to ask him.

We went...not sure he really wanted to...but I'm glad he came...even though he didn't stay in long...and made it seem like he wanted to leave... I got to have a nice swim...but the urge to swim out in the rough water that day was really strong again...

I had thought several times and contemplated on a couple of occasions about harming myself or committing suicide.

I didn't say anything to anyone. Still technically only told two people.
When I have some people in my life whose response to stories of people taking there own lives is a good riddance type of feeling, it's  hard to work up the nerve to say anything.

The thoughts have gone again and I'm feeling much better again.

However I am quite certain that Sugarbear saved my life twice...

Happy? Birthday...

So I had a birthday on Tuesday... I'm 37 now.

I had the worst birthday.

Not because everything went wrong...it was just that nothing felt right.

It started the night before where everything just sort of felt weird with SB and I. To the point where I just ended up leaving and going home after he fell asleep.

I woke up and saw that SB wished me a public happy birthday  (which surprised me a bit) and went to the gym like usual with Pinky. Where I got an 'Oh it's today? Well happy birthday.' Between reps on the delts machine.

I told The Man that I wanted to go out for breakfast...had to buy my own of course...and then I went to the bank where on the way he yelled at me because he had a commitment and 'needed' to get to his volunteer thing.

Dropped him off.

And proceeded to spend the rest of my day alone. Where not one but two of my close inner circle of friends totally forgot it was my birthday.

Facebook is great but I have it set up to not show my birthday on purpose. People are sheep. The only reason half the people wished me a happy birthday was because they saw others doing on FB.

I watched the newest Doctor Who to get away from the fakeness that is facebook.

I had sent SB a message at 7:30ish in the morning letting him know that in 12 hours I wanted to kidnap him and do something but that I would have him back by bedtime.

So just before 4 I pick up The Man and head to a doctor's appointment with Dr Awesome. I sat in his waiting room listening to his extremely negative receptionist for an hour...my appointment was at four. I told her to reschedule me because I had other places to be.

Left and went and bought some groceries...whoo can't stop the fun now.

Went to the arena to the Freshmeat practice as I have signed up to be a Guest Trainer and I still needed to collect some more paperwork and registration fees.

I ended up leaving later than I wanted to...raced to the house dropped The Man off out front and raced over to SBs house.

Where I got a really cold reception. Add to that the silent treatment when I asked at 8 if I could still kidnap him for about an hour.

I can't eat cake...regular cake...gluten free...sugar free...ice cream...I can't  (am not suppose to) eat cake. So I don't get a candle on a cake to blow out to make a wish.
So this year I wanted to light a lantern at the  beach and make a wish as it flew off.
Maybe cheesy but that's what I wanted.

I also couldn't bear the thought of doing that all alone when I was already feeling alone. So with tears in my eyes I went back into the house and asked SB to please come with me.

He did. Begrudgingly, but he did. The beach was beautiful  (smelly...but beautiful)...
Didn't stay long, had promised to get him back for bed...

Had to stop to get something to eat...hadn't eaten since breakfast.
So my birthday dinner at 8:30ish at night was a Tuscan Chicken Panini from Tim Hortons...woohoo fine dining at it's best.

Scarfed it down...and then went and got into bed with SB.

I knew he was tired...I figured he didn't nap like I had suggested in my morning text...didn't look like he ate...but still...no excuse for what happened next...

I asked for a cuddle before sleep... (now...a cuddle is a cuddle... if I wanted sex I would have out and out said fuck me it's my fucking birthday... but I asked for a cuddle...) Not only did I not get even the slightest of fucking hugs...I got out and out berated because he needs 8 hours of sleep to function and has to go to work and doesn't get to just laze around...

This would be where I rolled over and just quietly cried myself to sleep and wished my birthday had never happened feeling isolated and so very alone, not mention uncared for and unwanted.

I understand that to some people their birthday is just another day of the year... I get that. I like to think of mine as a special day just for me...to do what I want with whom I wish. It's  a day just for me. Where I get doted on a bit because I've survived another year of my constant struggle with my own issues and decided to keep myself around for another year. A day where my friends and family wish me more than just a 'great day'.

I spend every other day of the year doing things for others and hoping that in some way I have been a good thing in their lives and brought them some happiness. I don't think it's selfish of me to want one day where people do nice things for me.

I don't even care about getting presents or anything... I dunno.
Maybe my expectations of others are too high.

I just thought those in my life that I love and love me would have done more than just pay lip service to me on my birthday. Or at least would have remembered it was my birthday.

A Weekend Of Firsts...

I am so zen right now I didn't even notice a mosquito biting my forehead.

My calm has been repairing itself for the last two days now.

Friday Sugarbear and I left to come to Manitoulin Island...after possible threats to my job and having #DD not exactly happy about my taking Friday and the holiday Monday off work. But... I just needed to get away to a nature place to repair myself a bit.

It's been amazing.. I don't know how to thank Sugarbear for having me along. He isn't feeling well still but we made the trek here... Oh yeah I am right now sitting in a hunting blind (way up in the air) just listening to the wind in the trees and all the bitty bugs buzzing around, watching all these trees just waving about lazily in the breeze...birds chirp every so often...but what I can't hear is...a sorting machine clanking away, video games, animals scratching at cages, dog nails ticking across the floor, cats yowling, women bickering, traffic on the highway...and it's so fucking fantastic that I can't even think of a better word.

Friday evening we got here about 7:30ish... We stopped at The French River Trading Post (which if we go by there again I'm gonna have to stop...there's a beautiful shawl/poncho there that I want really badly). We stopped so I could see the Big Nickel in Sudbury. Made a couple pee stops for me...

Don't think Sugarbear had realized prior to this trip that I have actually never been this far north before.

He seemed surprised when he found out.

Camp is nice, I like the concept. One common building with bathroom and kitchen facilities and then everyone has their own tent or trailer to sleep in, reminds me of the old scout camps that way a bit.

SB and I are staying in his sisters trailer. I had brought Pinkys kammock setup so I could go out on my own in the woods but never did get around to setting it up. What can I say...I don't mind being all cramped up in a bed with Sugarbear.

I've met a couple more family members while here...an auntie and a couple uncles, the other brother and a nephew. Everyone has been real nice and friendly.

Went out yesterday to Silver Water Lake...the one closest to camp...then went down to Meldrum Bay to see the Mississagi Lighthouse. Got to dance around a bit on some big rocks on the shore of Lake Huron... Now if I were keeping track which I have started to now...I grew up and have been in Lake Erie, I now live by and have been in Lake Ontario, when I was really little I went with my grandpa out west and we took a ferry over Lake Michigan and if I remember correctly dipped my feet in it...and now have had my feet in Lake Huron...I'm just missing Lake Superior from my Great Lakes bucket list.

Sugarbear seems slightly surprised when I tell him things like how being out at the lighthouse on the rocks with the waves of Huron lapping at the rocks was fucking amazing...how it was so serene sitting on a camp chair next to Silver Water Lake...how even I was impressed at the sheer numbers of trees here...

He even took a piece of rock and wrote out my name on the rocks...

SB and his nephew took me to the dump last night...I was so excited...I was going to get to see bears......and then we got there...no bears to be seen... And we waited...and waited...they had been telling me stories about the bears that had been there and how they're always there...and then...nada.

Same with the deer situation...there's always deer around the island especially at dusk...we saw one...and I didn't get to my camera fast enough to catch a pic of her.

On Friday we saw a porcupine in the middle of the road not even giving a fuck about anything...he was adorable.

I've found a few dimes on our travels...more than I've actually given to SB but I have given him 3 that I've found...they have significance to him......

I just don't know what she's trying to convey to him message wise. He won't talk about it...am I the only one that seems to find them around him...or do other people or other women...?

Meh... I don't ask him these sorts of things any more. I figure if he ever wants to share with me in his own time...then he doesn't have to think of a lie on the spot.

Does make me wonder if he lies to the other women he talks to and meets as well or if I'm the only special one that way...lol

Anyway... I just quit asking questions that might provoke a feeling for fear that he'll lash out...

But back to the here...so...it's Sunday and it's almost one in the afternoon...and I'm in a deer hunting blind trying to figure out what kind of bird is making this weird noise by me... And doubting at this time of the day that I'll see any wild life...

I just sort of wandered off while SB and his nephew are doing some work on the camp building.

And now I pick this post back up and it's Wednesday and I have so much more to say...

Sunday I got down out of the deer blind and moseyed back to camp to find that the guys were almost done the work on the ceiling... I told the nephew about my journey out back and into the blind...he seemed surprised, then SB comes back in and asks about my goings on and I told him about my journey out back to the deer blind and he seemed surprised as well...

So... it seems no one has been up in it in years and they weren't sure if it was too safe any more...I can't help but chuckle...leave it to me.

There were a couple spots where the wood was a bit soft but I just didn't put a whole lot of weight down in those spots.

When the work was as complete as it was going to get we all jumped into the cars and headed down to the lake where I proceed to bathe with three men.

It was a weekend of many firsts for both Sugarbear and I...that was definitely one of them...the bathing with three men, not the bathing in a lake...

We ended up getting invited to go to dinner at an uncles place down the road and around the corner...made some awesome chicken wings...

Had a fairly laid back night...didn't have a fire like we had the night before...sort of did some knitting and then went into camp to see what the guys were doing... SB and nephew were still watching some nascar and other brother went to bed...
After a few minutes I grabbed a drink and headed back out.

Monday morning was pretty much wake up and pack up.

We hit the road by about 11 (if I remember correctly) and I was very quiet for the first bit of driving...I wasn't overly excited to be heading home already, it had been so relaxing and I had such a good time with SB that I kind of didn't want it to end yet.

He drove to a place called Bridal Veil Falls near Kagawong on Manitoulin Island...where we took some pics got a little damp and enjoyed the scenery.
It was so pretty just these two little falls tucked away...there were some other people there enjoying it as well.

We continued our journey, stopping in Sudbury for some food and then headed to The French River Trading Post again... I nearly had an anxiety attack... I had fallen in love with an alpaca poncho/shawl and it was so soft and so pretty...and then when we got back there, there was two... a dark blue one and a royal medium blue one (the one I saw the first time)...I have never spent so much on one article of clothing for myself before in my life.
As I swiped my debit card, my inside voice was screaming 'That's a ten hour shift at minimum wage!!' I just breathed through it and now own it.

Just before or after depending on which way you're travelling there is a sort of walking bridge that you can see from the one lane bridge by the trading post...

And now it's Friday...
Finally got pics put up on facebook - I whittled it down to about 108 photos... which is good normally I have hundreds of photos...

So back to what I had been saying... we stopped at a rest stop of sorts after the one lane bridge and went into the trails to find the one that lead to that bridge we could see...

I'm not used to someone being willing to make stops to check stuff out for me... when we walked out of the trading post I asked a bit sheepishly if we could go for a walk meaning look for that bridge... SB seemed quite willing to stop so that I could check it out...

It just seemed the very opposite of when I went to San Francisco...

We found the bridge after taking a different trail...but both ended up with a gorgeous view.

Our trek home was another of my favourite snippets of time...we talked. Quite a bit actually...From Bridal Falls to Barrie we just talked about all sorts of things... we don't tend to talk like that too often and it was just nice. Seemed like a really good getting to know you sort of conversations.
I loved it.

There's not too much about the trip that I didn't like...what I'm not exactly liking now is that the photos I've been trying to add to this post are giving me a bitch of a time and making me frustrated.
I'm also not liking not being able to just cuddle with SB whenever I want...lol

We did end the weekend on a fun note... and I don't know about Sugarbear but there has been a couple of times that I've reflected this past week and wished we were still away on our vacation...

However looking forward... I can't wait for our Dominican Republic trip this winter.

(I had a bunch of lovely pics that I was wanting to add to this post but that just wasn't happening they would be perfectly fine in their folder but as soon as I would go to upload them into the post they would get rotated a quarter of a turn and then once they are in the post there is no way to rotate them again so...instead... going to have to just give the link to the album that I put up on Facebook because I'm tired of fucking around with this stupid thing.)

I Hate Feeling So Weak.

I do not like to be seen as weak ...ever.

I struggle with accepting that my 'issues' are actually 'mental illness'. Depression and Anxiety...to be even more specific.

I don't just come right out and tell people that I have these issues. I have enough outward health issues that I don't want to scare people away.

I have a fucked up tendon in my thumb that goes into my wrist (that's the latest issue), respiratory issues with my lungs (obvi), of course my ongoing heart condition, my ankle which will start to bother me when I stand too long...

I try very hard to not complain about my aches pains bumps or bruises...and I definitely do not complain to people about my mental illness when it's flaring up and getting the better of me.

When the sneak up and become larger then my life seems to be I try very hard to get away from the hub bub of every day and recharge...generally somewhere quiet and when it gets really bad somewhere in nature.

Burton and I going to Red Spiral was a very good recharge for me when we would go to Egansville to Raven's Knoll.

The last couple of years though I've not had a chance to get away to do a recharge...it's really creeping up on me. I've had SBs place to get some quiet when I need...he and I have been to the beach a few times and being in the water helps...but it's not quite the same.

When my brain gets too loud...and life is too loud it makes me want to shut down. It makes me irritable, and angry at the littlest of things. Last week while the boys were gone things got much worse, having to deal with a bunch of derby stuff for the intake, the house with all the animals - and the messes that I was coming home to, the chaos that is working on the farm and a lack of sleep.

I have a support system that don't even know how much I depend on them to make sure I don't do stupid things. SB had saved me 3 times last month and he doesn't even realize it.

I broke down and told #DD about what had been going through my head...and I feel as though I shouldn't have done that. I had just gotten really close to the end of my rope and he's been there for me in the past.
I just know that he has so many other things and other stressors that he has to deal with.

I just need to get away and go sit in a bush for a couple of days...and for the first time I don't mean the slang term for a womans vagina.

I have so many other things to write about and post but I just don't have the time at the moment... I need to go to bed again so that I can go to work in a few hours.

My Best Friend.

In 1998 at a Hallowe'en party standing at a table next to my best friend a person asked us... Are you two together? We looked at each other and then back at the person and in unison said 'No'... the person chuckled and said 'well you should be.' We looked at each other again and shrugged and said 'I dunno...ya wanna?'

That's when we started 'dating' and it was just after that we ended up moving in together... it was never an earth shattering falling in love or head over heels... it was a comfortable setup... we had always enjoyed each others company...

At the beginning I had been going through a lot of testing because there had been some abnormalities in some tests I had done on my cervix and after talking with my doctor about what comes next he suggested that if I wanted anymore children that I should likely do that rather soon because the procedures that he was talking about doing could limit whether or not I could have more children.
I already had the Manchild so I knew I wanted at least one more.

I was quite worried.

My best friend is/was The Man. We lived together and of course I love him. We discussed children and Boychild came along.

The Man and I also had conversations about the fact that he and I had vastly different needs when it came to sexual appetites.

He was actually the first one to bring up an open relationship and said that it would be more for my benefit. We established some ground rules which evolved and changed over time as things are want to do.

As time went on so did we...living together and raising the boys and I would have a guy here or there to satiate my needs.

And then... I fell hard for another guy. I was confused...and distraught. I didn't know what to do...because of how I was raised I assumed that I couldn't possibly love two people. So I told The Man that I was leaving and moving away.

Shit happened...I came home. Moved back in with The Man and my boys.

Years later I fell in love with another...Bing. We tried to make it work with him so far away and The Man and I here. It lasted nearly 4 years before Bing didn't want to do it anymore.

The Man has been my rock...my go to when things are rough. I do love him. I never really fell in love with him though...I didn't have the butterflies and the always thinking about him stuff. There were and are times when I want him around to talk to and to figure shit out with, but I found that I was never really physically or sexually attracted to him like I was with the other two.

Over the last 2 and a half years we've been living more like room mates than like lovers. He's been my support when my anxiety attacks come or when my depression hits hard. He's been my touchstone when I'm trying to figure shit out with other men. Just like you would do with your best friend over wine or beer.

This last year and a half we've barely even slept together. Maybe as many times as I can count on one hand.

For nearly a year I had been exclusively with SB and The Man and I have just been room mate best friends living together. When the exclusivity with SB and I stopped in February, and I started dating others again, it was nice that it didn't change things with The Man and I.

And why not? If we still get on so well why should we bother to move apart? We still have a son at home who would benefit by having his parents here in the same house loving him and taking care of him. Financially it's easier on both of us to live in the same house.

I have a great amount of love for The Man and would hate to lose him from my life, he is as I said my greatest supporter and the best friend I could ever have.

In a world as cruel as the one we live in can be why not stick together as a clan?

I'm probably a dick for this...living with a man who I care a great deal about especially because he's a great father to my child, but who I am not truly in love with. It works for us. We talk shit out about our feelings and we're honest about everything.
He's been compared to a saint for "dealing with me and my shit" according to friends and family...and me.

After 18 years we have settled into a groove of what works for us...why should I move out and struggle in a place of my own just to maybe find someone who would want to date me?

All the men I've been with tend to be amazed by me and then my novelty seems to wear off and they chuck me aside.

So why deal with that alone? I live with my best friend whose ear I can talk off about how dumb boys are for hours...lol

I live with my best friend...he's the best damn room mate I could ever ask for.