I Can't Help That I Naturally Look Sad...

So it was my birthday last week as some might remember...

It was quite the busy week at times...

Sunday night and all day Monday was on a high...usually am after my weekly phone call... so just lounged around being in a good mood on Monday...

Tuesday... I got picked up in the afternoon... I did a little shopping for myself... you know got girly stuff like nail polish and make up and such... then went and got a new tattoo that the Man gave me money for so I could get it for my birthday... it hurt...of course... then went and had some pizza with my Sister before we went to the movies... saw Easy A ... it was funny I enjoyed it...

Wednesday...I was told we were going out for dinner, then I was told we were going to my Mum's for dinner and then that morning the Man got a call from Mum saying we were all going out for dinner.... so the family took me out to the Mandarin for supper... it was nice of them... they got me some nice gifts...got a chinese lantern, a foil picture in a frame of faeries from Mum and her boyfriend, my sister bought me some monkey earrings knowing of course how much I love to collect monkeys, as well as a book that I just finished yesterday entitled Solomon's Angels and a bookmark for it... went to bed really sad...

Thursday... I hung out at home with the Man and the Boychild, watched some shows on tv had a nice dinner.

Friday... I went to the Love Shop down the street and with some birthday money that I got from a friend of mine bought myself a new toy... *evil grin*

Saturday... My Mum, Sister and Aunt, and I... all went to a stage show at the casino called 'Spirit of The Dance'... It was a good show, they did a really good job. I walked out of there with my thighs killing me though...and was sort of sad when we left. We all went back to Mum's and had dinner, and I got the cake that I wanted... which was a DQ Pecan Pie Blizzard Cake... oh it was yummy.

*thinks for a minute*

Sunday and Monday of this week not so shit hot...nothing to write home about.

Tuesday... went to the movies with my sister again... went to see You Again... again...'nother funny flick... would be nice if she and I could go to a cheap movie at least once a month as something to do together since I'm not in Lions anymore I don't see her that much anymore...

I got home and there was a bit of an ache in my ear and a tickle in my throat...that I had blamed on the popcorn... at least that was until

Wednesday... yesterday... I woke up... stuffed up... hoarse... plugged up... breathing was a bit restricted... head was killing me... and had a cough that I thought would pop my ovaries... stayed in bed eating soup, drinking tea and water until I thought I could float... which was around 6pm I think I got up and dragged my ass to the couch. Good news at least was I made two more bracelets and a pair of earrings while watching tv in my jammies...

That brings us to today...

Thursday... I feel like a warmed bucket of yuck... still plugged, stuffed, hoarse, and sounding very Vader-ish, coughing and wincing at the same time now... and it feels like my nose is on fire and is trying to put itself out at the same time... so today... resting in bed... couldn't get comfy last night and only got about a half hour to an hours worth of sleep... I'm laying here thinking...fuck I shoulda waited to read that book now...

think I'll take a shot of tequila and wash down a sinus and cold tablet and hope I don't die in my sleep from it...

Ode to Big Daddy...

I don't see him as many others would see him...

they would ask how did you get past that prickly exterior... or how did I get around the fact that he seems to keep people at arms length... how did I get him to open up and do more then just answer direct questions... how did I get past the sarcasm and the acerbic attitude...

For the most part I would have to say that I don't really know...

I talked to him... I listened to him.. we connected on some level even before knowing each other's real names...

Even before ever seeing each other or hearing each other's voices... we would talk for hours...days...weeks... about everything... (almost)

We would be there for each other... I didn't see him as any of those things... at least not to me... though to me the sarcasm is and was funny because I do it too...

When finally we met in person I didn't see any of those things until witnessing them being done to others... then I thought it was funny... and I felt special... I felt like I had been let in to see the real him before ever seeing him and that somehow I got the secret key to the other parts of him...

The caring, compassionate, generous, loving, nurturing, gentle, vulnerable, protective... sides...

You know the sides that all girls read about in romance novels and dreamily sigh and say 'oh I wish...'

When I was angry...he was there to calm me down... when I was sad, he was there to hug me... when I was upset and shutting down he was there to hold my hand and tell me that it will pass and everything will be alright again... when I was sick he was there to help me to stand up when I couldn't do that on my own... when I could barely move without groaning in pain he was laying there beside me holding my hand and rubbing my back... he was there to help my family even when he didn't want to get out of bed... he was there at night whispering with me in the dark until the wee hours of the morning... he made me feel important to him when in a crowd of people that made me feel small... he held my hand at a time when it would have been most awkward, without a care...

He did all the things that would make me fall in love with him... after I had already fallen in love with him...

He makes it so easy for me to love him...

I will say, he's not perfect by a long shot... but the fit is too snug for him to not be perfect for me...

The Divine truly have a cruel sense of humour.

Dreamland is Suppose to be Fun.

Something's up.

On Sunday night I had two episodes.

Monday another 2...

Tuesday.... 1...

I'm used to having little ones that don't really affect me... that I just take a small moment and a few deep breaths and they go away... these last couple of days they've been bad enough that I've stopped and checked my pulse... had to stop in mid sentences and 'compose' myself a bit...

Last thing I need is for this to rear it's ugly head even more.

And except for Sunday night last week I wasn't sleeping too well... last night I apparently wasn't sleeping well either though I think that was more a case of I went to bed on a full stomach...

My dreams have been odd... I haven't been remembering a lot of them but there was some odd feelings when waking... and last night the Man woke me up to ask if I was alright because apparently I was whimpering in my sleep...

too much thinking consciously and subconsciously I suppose...

So Why Get Excited Then?

I had started this really dumb blogpost about remembering how today was the day that Big Daddy left a year ago... and I had started to get sort of emotional about it... only because I still miss him...

But really I suppose it's dumb to get all emotional about something that happened a year ago...

So instead...

I know it's probably really lame to still get excited about my birthday like a little kid... but I really do... I have some plans with my sister set up but not much beyond that...

I dunno is it strange that I'm turning 32 and looking forward to it?

I suppose a lot of people will think that's lame but... I dunno... I guess I'm sort of lame, hell i've already been called weird, crazy, insane among many other things.

Last year for my birthday I ended up at the Dixieland stampede with my sister and some guy I barely knew down in Tennessee... at least I'll be around my whole family this birthday... the two birthdays before the last one my mom and sister weren't even in the same province with me.

I still get a bit bitter when I think about how when my sister and man turned 30 they got taken to Medieval Times and when I turned 30 I didn't even get a phone call from my mom and sister who were out celebrating my aunts birthday in Saskatchewan rather then being here.

When my sister turned 18 she got a party at a hall and all her friends and family were there...when I turned 18 I was given a card.

I don't think my mom has ever sat down and thought about what's happened during my birthdays and how I might feel.

I know I don't say anything about how I've felt about them... but because in the grand scheme of things I know that my birthday isn't important to anyone but me.

I know that the Man will try to make sure that I have a good day and I know that the Boychild will hug me and say happy birthday...Big Daddy and the Manchild likely won't even remember that it's my birthday until the next time they talk to me... but in all likelihood I'll get all excited that it's my birthday and then go to bed feeling meh about it...

I know that I won't get anywhere near the facebook messages that I got last year wishing me a happy birthday because I set it so only I can see that portion of my profile...

So whatever happens and whom ever remembers my birthday, I'm going to make the best of it.

starting tomorrow.

as soon as I get rid of this nasty headache that's been plaguing me for the last few days.

Oh Pandora You Silly Woman...

The myth of Pandora's Box is legendary but really... think about it long and hard for just a few moments... do that for me...

She opens the box (or jar or container) and lets out all the evils and despairs of the world. Only Hope remained in the box when she quickly closed it again.

Think about that if the box contained all the evils and despairs... what was Hope doing in there?

It's because Hope can be a very evil emotion.

If the box contained all the evils that would plague mankind I think it's safe to say that Hope is a plague and not the remedy of the others that were let out.

Look what people have done when they've 'held out Hope' about something important to them... those who hold onto Hope like a dog on a bone have gotten hurt and fell into despair or hopelessness...

So... am I right?

If all the evils that would plague mankind were in the box, wouldn't that mean Hope is one of them?

It wasn't an all of a sudden thing...well it was in May...but...

Some seem to think that this whole exercise thing is sudden... it really isn't... I have been working out every day since I got back home again from Reno in May.

At first it was for a really really dumb reason... but it was motivation nonetheless for me to get up and start moving my ass and try to get it smaller...

It was dumb because it started Friday night at the hotel in Reno... after dinner walking past some people in the hotel who were lined up to go into the night club portion... short fat me in my baggy jeans and hoodie walking past these tall leggy hawt women who were standing there... it was enough to make me feel really self-conscious....

It continued when we went to the other casinos and were walking around taking in some sights... other beautiful walking about...passing me and making me feel really self conscious...

It wasn't enough to put a damper on my visit or anything but it was nagging me in the back of my head.

So I figured instead of sitting about moping about the fact that they had in fact made me feel really fat, I would do something about it. So every day I spent half an hour each day working out on my own.

Having a back ground in dancing and martial arts I knew how so I didn't exactly need someone holding my hand or to go to some class that would just make me feel fat.

In August I asked my sister if I could borrow her Wii Fit so that I could try out an actual routine on it to see how I liked it. She said no. However, I ended up getting lucky, the Man's mum ended up buying me one as an earlier birthday present.

So I've used the Wii Fit nearly every day since I got it... I've set goals and achieved them... I'm feeling fitter... it's hard to explain... to me I don't see any outward differences but inside I'm starting to feel just a bit tighter.

I wake up each day in pain... I roll out of bed and force myself to do my workout... and as I've been doing that I'm also becoming more aware of what I'm putting in my mouth when I have something to eat.

I'm trying to shop and cook healthier... I'm choosing to make myself a better healthier person.

It's helping to keep my depression at bay... I know I have it... I have for years... it gets worse when I don't get what I want... when I don't know what's going on... when I think something is coming to an end... when I think that I'm about to lose something... when I feel things slipping from me... when I feel myself starting to go numb...

exercising has taken over the cutting or the other methods that I would use to get it so I was no longer feeling numb...

as someone has told me recently how emo and lame... I know. but when all you want to do is feel after being numbed by something... that's just sometimes how it goes...

While I do some of the repetitive movements during the step aerobics portion of my workout I face a book case next to my TV... we have a book collection called 'The Value of...' it's a series of books on the values that everyone should learn as a child...

I stare at the titles as I work out... the value of... Determination, Believing in Yourself, Discipline, Honesty, Love, Facing a Challenge, Truth and Trust... I've been reading them to the Boychild each night before he goes to bed...

The ones I stare at the most are the Determination, Discipline, Facing a Challenge, Believing in Yourself and Truth and Trust bindings the most while working out... figure those are the ones I need right now the most... in a couple different areas of my life...

I'm quite confident that everything will work out... I will have pitfalls and need my loved ones to help pick me up again... but as long as they love me then I'll be ok... so far they've generally been quite supportive...

So 5 things I'm changing...

Cutting out Soda

No eating 3 hrs before bed

Exercising for at least 10 mins/day

No snacks that are larger then my fist (so no eating a whole bag of chips in one sitting)

Tracking my weight everyday

We'll see how it goes.

Once I hit my goal I might just post a before and after... depending on how sexy and over confident I'm feeling. As of right now I'm disgusted with the before picture and peek at it every time I feel hungry.

Though I'm starting to notice that after I exercise I don't want to eat... it's not that I don't feel hungry... it's that I just am finding it illogical... I'm working at trying to lose weight and then it feels dumb to eat something after ward... I'm not about to start starving myself... though I can totally understand why those with anorexia feel that food is evil...

addition to bday wishes

Found a pretty that I want.... I do have to say though that I'm glad that I like pretties that aren't overly expensive...

It's sparkly... I like sparklies

Parisian Sunflower Seeds...wtf??

So I've been told that I'm a doofus, goofball, crazy, insane, strange, weird among other things...

Generally I get all huffy and up in arms and end up feeling a bit bad about myself and just wanting to be a bit more normal...

Today... this morning I realized how weird I am... I woke up and had to go to the bathroom and after that I woke up a couple more times... when the Man got home from taking to the Boychild to school... then a couple more times as I lay in bed cuddling with him...

that's not the weird part...

the weird part is that when I woke up those couple of times I apparently seemed to be going on and semi excited about some sort of recipe that called for "Parisian sunflower seeds" ... and how they were much better then regular sunflower seeds and how they were so tasty...

the Man seemed to take it all in stride and didn't even mention it to me throughout the day...

it wasn't until I was listening to Dr Oz and he mentioned something about a diet of seeds and rice that suddenly the phrase 'Parisian Sunflower Seeds' came into my mind and I started laughing and shaking my head at myself...

I don't even want to know what else I might talk about when half asleep... and really how come no one else has told me that I talk about friggin nonsense when half asleep??

Schizophrenia, por favor

I love my kids... they really do say some of the funniest shit...

there's an old el paso commercial that comes on with a woman in her kitchen and she looks as though she's about to make dinner or something... and suddenly some guy with a Spanish accent says to her something about how she's making spaghetti and meatballs tonight... she says 'whoa are you psychic?' and he chuckles and says 'por favor, you make it every week'....

at which time the Manchild looks over at me with a quirked brow and says 'Riiight like she's gonna have some random Spanish guy just sitting around in her kitchen'...

I think the kids come by it honestly though... especially since the Man has said he doesn't want to eat the Fibre 1 bars because they seem to cause schizophrenia...

Objects talking to people in a commercial while they're eating granola bars... how do you explain it...

I love the sense of humour of those in my family... the four of them make me laugh and keep me feeling happy and tend to cheer me up...

Birthday Dreams and Wishes

So my birthday is coming up...

I've always liked my birthday... but like christmas I never liked telling people what I want... generally because I don't tend to get what it is that I want...

But for some reason I like the two 'holidays' nonetheless... and yes my birthday is a holiday... it's usually autumn equinox ;)

This year is no different... I have a birthday wish that I'm pretty much convinced isn't going to happen... and that would be to get to go see Big Daddy...

But I do have two other more tangible wants for my birthday.... One is an upgrade on my phone... which would be to get this one Samsung Corby Pro and the other is to get my other tat on my left foot done...

So we'll see what happens and what I do get or get to do for my birthday...

Here's to Hoping ;)

Blast From The Past...

Every morning I wake up and generally my first thought goes to Big Daddy... been that way for well over a year now...

So colour it weird that when I woke up today he wasn't my first thought but another man was... Robert Jensen my old dance teacher.

I had a strange dream that I've already sort of written about elsewhere...

Robert was only in his 20's when I was in dancing, I was at the academy for 10 years, I was never one of the best dancers, I didn't really stand out of the crowd... but there was a sort of kinship that I felt with him...

I was in karate and dancing at the same time when I was younger... I've always loved music... loved movies...

before or after class if there was a few minutes we would talk about the latter two a bit... one year in the fall when we went back to class he had told me all excitedly that he had started taking karate... so we suddenly had that in common...

that was also the year that he used the theme to enter the dragon the bruce lee story's as our dance for the recital and we wore karate uniforms...

Over the years I've thought of him off and on and wondered what happened to him and whether or not he was alright.

A year before I finished at the academy he told us that he had to leave the academy, he was going to help his family's business. I cried and had to leave the room because I knew that would be the last time I saw him. And it was.

It was a very movie moment, I sat in the car passenger seat and was watching the front door of the academy through the side view mirror. I watched him come out of the building, get into his car and leave.

That was the last time I saw him.

So we know how kitty like I am at times... so I looked him up. Just on the net to see if I could see what he was up too. He's still a dance teacher and that makes me really happy, I know how much dancing made him happy.

Questions That Sometimes Go Through My Head...

When they do an autopsy on a person who has a hairy chest do they shave them before doing the Y incision?

When men sit to use the toilet do they just let their junk hang in the bowl or do they hold onto it?

How is pooping on someone erotic?

If love isn't enough, then what else does there need to be?

Why has there been such a huge influx on those that are born with peanut allergies?

How come anytime my hands are wet or gooey I get an itchy spot inside my ear?

Why do some people decide to get on a soap box and get all preachy when they should stop and take a look at their own home life first?

Why is it that a certain scent can turn one person on and yet not another person?

Is there a such thing as a soul mate?

Is it normal for two people to feel strong bonds between them yet to be so far away from each other?

If pretending to be something you're not is lying, are all actors liars?

Why do I feel like I'm so much more abnormal then other people?

Which would be better living in a Lighthouse or living in an Observatory?

Can you see the difference, I can't see the difference?

Why are tampon/pad commercials so fucking stupid?

Is it normal to see someone walking down the street and visualize yourself bashing them over the head with something?

Who decided that another word for vagina should be 'pussy'?

Why is it I would prefer to sleep during the day and stay awake all night?

Why can't I just think about nothing?

I Used To Be An Angry Young Man, Hiding My Head In The Sand...

got up today did a 90 minute workout...

yep after sitting here drinking a bottle of tequila I still got up and did a 90 min work out...

I always quietly told myself that I wouldn't use this blog as a journal for weight gain and loss or an exercise diary because I don't think there are enough people out there that care enough about whether or not I'm losing weight or eating right to care...

and really it would be a boring read... not that my other entries are all that exciting but ... well yeah...

So I had told myself that I'm not really working out to be thin because frankly I never have been thin... I've had curves since I was 10... but I've been wanting to feel more healthy and hopefully lose a few pounds... especially around the middle...

I don't mind being chubby I do have men that love me for me... and since I've started working out I can already feel my core muscles tightening up... so quite happy about that...

I've joked with the kids that I'm secretly training to go on Mantracker... one of our family's favourite shows to watch together... we will do what I call couch preying... talking amongst ourselves about what the prey should be doing...

the one who has the best strategies is the 9 yo... I don't think I could best him but man I would love to give it a try... so I'll keep secretly training for it... shhh don't tell anyone

*laughs*

so I totally forgot that I hadn't posted this blog post yet when I opened up my laptop...

I've found that if you add a bit of body wash to the laundry soap when doing a load of laundry you can make the clothes smell like the body wash... it's nice... especially since I dislike the scent of the laundry detergent... and really like the smell of the body wash.

it's like a hug

Squasha... I was so glad that I got to talk to you last night... the mickey of tequila obviously gave me a push but I'm glad that I got to tell you what it was that had been bothering me. I hope that we'll be able to talk a bit more, I've missed our talks and you always seem to see through any bullshit. I'm hoping you get out of there with no more hassles.

Big Daddy... I'm getting better. I promise. I love you.

And now that it's midnight I think I'm gonna finish up this post and watch something on the idiot box.

I'm Worth Every Fucking Mile, Why Don't You Think So?!

Chillin with my friend Sauza this evening... because last night I visited with his friend Vex...

why am I hanging with these guys again... because it's easier...

easier then let out the questions that have been bothering me... not wanting to cause any conflict... walking on egg shells can cause a bit of pain after while... so I need to hang with them to just numb everything and let it all fade away a bit...

biting my tongue and tying my fingers from going off about a bunch of stuff is hard on me... and I'm sure he'd be encouraging me to say what's on my mind but I don't want to because I don't want him to withdraw and decide that it's not worth the hassle.

So instead I'm letting Sauza just take that all away and let me keep telling myself... that he obviously has his reasons that he's just not sharing...

So as I open a second one I sit here just thinking about all kinds of good stuff ... smiles, chuckles, laughs... hugs, lovings, kisses... sitting here thinking about how my babies have grown and all the good times I've had with them...

after talking with the landlady today I am a bit nervous and it doesn't help to add more stress to me right now...

I would like appliances that work... haven't had a working dryer since we moved in... the furnace is 30 yrs old, I'd like to be able to properly heat my house this winter... *scoffs* if we're still here.

one sec...

when you do a shot are you supposed to just suck the lemon or actually eat it? hmm *shrugs*

I eat them.

Told Krammit that if I won the lottery I'd buy a sailboat for Big Daddy for his next birthday... then laughed and said that he probably wouldn't accept the gift. Also said I'd buy this house, fix it and not have to worry about a landlord ever again...

Know what I want to do for my next birthday? it's no surprise... I want what I want every day... to spend time with Big Daddy again for a few days...

Also would like to have my other foot tat done... somehow I doubt either are likely... Sauza tells me to hold out for hope on both fronts... then I drink him and he says no more.

Know what I was doing a year ago...? *grins and laughs* I do...and not sharing... one other knows... that's enough.

God Damn Mother Fucker Shit Balls and Cunt Sticks!!

the guy I wanted to win Master Chef just got sent home :(

oh yeah I'm totally all over the place and distracted by all sorts of things...

when drinking I should just probably stay away from the computer... but instead I find that I have more to say... you know the getting rid of filters and all that...

the a lot of drinking post are a bit more disjointed...

and I know at least one person who is going to frown at the fact that I'm drinking right now... but I have to say that at least I'm not smoking up as well... and I'm not getting totally shit faced wasted... just feeling good... well if good means numb... then yeah.

seriously who shaves their crotch while their driving.. ???

though I have to admit I do have the munchies though...

I love my cats but I have to admit I'm getting sick and tired of the house smelling like a litter box... the Man cleans the box every few days and yet the stupid cats... not sure which one... continues to decide to piss on the floor and pretty much anything on the floor...

I'm getting tired of it and yet still have love for the freakin things.

*sighs* and now my damn tool bar isn't hiding properly...

I've pretty much come to the conclusion that I don't matter to anyone unless they're bored and have nothing else to do, no one else to talk to... no one waits for my calls... no one wonders what's happened to me... no one gives me a second thought until I pop up in front of them...

meh.

I need to get a shooting game... at times like this I want to shoot someone... and people think I dislike guns... truth is... if I was a guy they'd give me wood... and make me want to eat a steak after pounding the shit out of a womans nethers... *laughs*

I just want to lash out at the world...

Jumble...

Man Up Marine!

I can't help but wonder if that always works to get a marine to do what you want them to. I mean it seems to work in the movies and tv shows... someone wants them to say or do something or to fess up to something and they say that too them and you see the muscles in the side of the marines jaw tense up as they get a bit riled by that and then they do it... whatever that it might be.

So I can't help but wonder if their programming during their time has made it so that they respond to that whether they want to or not.

just another odd thing that I end up thinking about for a few days because of some television show or movie...

*****

So I was once asked... why did I drink and do so many drugs when I was younger...

I can only say that it's because I love the feeling of flying... ever since I was a little girl and we flew to Florida for summer break I had tried to recapture that feeling a whole lot... you'd think I would have gone to school to become a stewardess or some such... but nope I didn't... silly me.

Then again when I graduated from high school I had little choices about travelling around the world in an airplane... not when I had a one year old out in the audience that day yelling 'Yay Mommy!' when I got my diploma... how could I leave that little boy to travel the world just to get my high...

I'm not an alcoholic anymore... and I'm not a drug addict anymore... but I still like that high... and every once in awhile it's like an old friend who pops by for a visit... like visiting friends though you have to know when to leave... sure you let them stay a day or so but then you try to nicely explain to them that they need to go home now... I'll drink. I'll even smoke one or two. I never let them control me now though... I'm not as stupid as I used to be.

I never smoke around my children, I never smoke when they're awake or if I know that they could wake up... I'll have one or two drinks but won't let my kids ever see me drunk... the high from both is no longer worth more then the respect of my children.

Usually if I have something really stressful happen in my life I will do one or the other for a few days... but instead of getting the high I get rest and relaxation. I get a mini vacation away from my issues... after that mini vacay and some time to look at the issue through a haze... I'm able to work through it...

I'm quite sure that there are quite a few shrinks and psychologists that would have a hayday telling me how wrong that is... but hey that's how I roll.

So I drink myself until I feel good then move forward from what's bothering me...

Apparently surrounding myself with people and trying to not be alone... doesn't work. Just makes me uncomfortable and irritated. That and really bad company.

*****

I used to think that when people would say 'Pick Your Battles' they were just lazy and didn't want to stand up for what's worthy of a fight...

Now having said that I would have to say... "WOW there are so many people that need to just fucking relax already."

But then again I also like the whole fix what's broken at home before you attempt to save the world... and yet I know so many people who are so gung-ho about trying to save the world and yet their home life could definitely use some polishing... badly.

Then there are those who have a wonderful family who don't pay too much attention to what's going on around the world.

So... hmm...