I See A Nap in My Future...'Cause I'm Psychic Bitches!

I like being alone sometimes. I like immersing myself in my thoughts as  I sing at the top of my lungs while doing chores...like dishes.  When someone is around I don't get that singing at the top of my lungs out of my system...and unfortunately in my thoughts...because usually the other person is talking or something...

So I got up this morning with the rest of the blurry-eyed masses...whether parents getting their kids ready for school or people getting ready for work... walked the Boychild to school and realized I prefer to be a homebody... I admit that it's a nice feeling to have strangers say good morning or to say thank you as you pass them by... but to me it's just sort of awkward... (the thank you this morning was because me with my umbrella stepped off the sidewalk so a woman and her two tiny ones could pass by...realized that it would seem weird to someone reading this that a random person would say thanks for walking by)...

However, I would prefer to just stay home... not to see people to have awkward fake cheerful morning interactions... as soon as October/November rolls around I don't want to leave the house for any reason...if I trusted people enough I'd likely have groceries delivered...and I would hibernate...until April.

Well sometimes later then that just so I can be guaranteed that there was no snow on the ground.

It's been really quiet here for the past couple of days...it's been nice... mind you I need to do more of those nasty things called chores...but I'm actually not minding it to much... it seems I don't mind doing them if I'm the only person here... it's when everyone else is here not doing anything that I kinda get pissed about doing the chores...

Been listening to Adele quite a bit lately... I'm so glad that she's much more mainstream now... I used to have such a hard time finding her music...though there is still a few songs I've heard her do that I wish she'd record on an album... I heart her so much...

I learned very quickly last night that you should never joke about poopin' on someone... I was in a really weird/giddy mood... and yeah... apparently the other party (who was at work) didn't really appreciate it very much... *shrugs* live and learn...

was up waaay too late last night... I went to bed at like 1am...which isn't so bad... still gives me almost 6 hours before the Boychild has to be up and eating before school... yeah... 3:30am...is definitely too late... I need to turn my skype off when I crawl into bed so that shit doesn't happen again... it was funny and nice to have someone to talk to for a bit but totally stayed up too late....

there's phrases, statements, questions, comments and the like that people will always remember that you have said or another person has said... stuff that sticks with you that will keep coming back to you... that happens to me quite a bit... people would say that I dwell (whether it's good or bad) but I don't really consider it dwelling or even brooding... it's remembering what people have said and then usually trying to figure out if they were just 'saying it' or if they were actually sincere...as we all know it's harder for us to believe the good stuffs said about us, though we hold onto the negative or bad stuff like it's a security blanket at times...

I've been called many things in my time... and I was writing them down as an exercise after I got back and was still in that whole transition period... and I have to say it's quite a list... and it's not all bad at all... but it's not just what others say about us... but 'to' us as well that we will remember... I've been told by a few people that they will always love me, or love me until the end of time, or something along those lines... and sometimes I get that sadistic urge to call them and say 'Yeah, still love me?' just so I can have some sort of sick satisfaction of saying 'see I knew you were lying' when they say No... I was told that it was hard to believe that anyone could 'get over' me... and of course my biggest issue is being forgotten...and I have been over the course of my life, starting at a young age and so that stuck with me even into adulthood and sort of festered into a feeling of being unimportant because of having been forgotten... few days ago I made a comment about being unmemorable and sort of got a snerking response of 'yeah right'... maybe that's why I get whacky and so odd and giddy sometimes...so that at least I'll be remembered for being weird/crazy...

this lyric makes me tear up every time I sing it...

Never mind, I'll find someone like you

I wish nothing but the best for you too

Don't forget me, I beg "I'll remember", you said,

Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead. 

Dunno why I felt like that sharing that...probably because it was playing... the thing I don't get is the fact that I don't exactly think there's anything special about me that would make me 'unforgettable' and yet I don't want to be forgotten... how messed is that.. lol 

I never claimed to be normal. Don't want to be normal... as it doesn't exist.

*laughs*

I want to be the hermit lady who doesn't want to be forgotten... man I'm a fucking conundrum...

Exactly 3 Weeks...

It's hard to say to someone 'hey you're being an asshole' or even 'hey that was a real jackwad thing to do' when you know the response to either one of those comments (if you get a response at all) will be 'I know, I toldja' ...

doesn't exactly take the wind out of the sails or anything like that.. but at the same time when you already know what the response will be and that it won't make the person change their behaviour...is it really worth pointing it out?

yeah...probably not...

was up at 7am this morning which I thought was going to be difficult since I didn't get to sleep until after 2am... apparently not... I went to bed angry...I woke up angry... I laid in bed staring at the ceiling for 20 minutes before actually getting out of bed just trying to get into a better mood... it sort of worked... said good bye to the Man as he's headed up to his mothers...again. 9 hour bus trip so that he can be there for a week going and picking up another 24 cords of wood...know how much that is?? yeah it'll likely take the entire time he's there to get it all... making at least 2 to 3 trips per day with the pick up truck...

he will be coming back down with the truck to pick up the boys and I so that we can go up for the weekend (not this weekend...next) so that we can go and spend Thanksgiving with his mom... I've offered to cook dinner for us all... only so I know that everyone will enjoy their dinner... lol
when the Man told his mom that I offered she commented on how sweet I was to offer... his mom loves my cooking... though I'm sure when you don't really know how to cook...

I have an appointment with my new cardiologist today...(in a few hours) I'm a bit nervous... I'm not really good with doctors in the first place... but I get this weird feeling when talking to them that they don't believe half of what I'm saying... which is generally why I take the Man with me to my appointments...I dunno almost to back me up about what happens...however I'm on my own today...gonna have to put on my big girl panties and just deal with it...

I think part of the reason why I don't think they believe me...is because so many people don't... my heart condition is one of those things where I look fine...I can do all the things that other people can do...but then suddenly it'll decide that it's time for me to stop...

I made mention when I was in Reno about the episode I had that had Big Daddy finding me passed out at the top of the stairs... yeah... still deathly embarrassing to me...
well I had also had an episode during dinner when we went out for dinner for his birthday... it was a pretty bad one as well... like hard to walk straight afterward type... started passing out in the car on the way home... pretty much seemed like we had to cut dinner short because of the stupid thing...

Closest thing I could find to sort of describe/show SVT

I hate this stupid affliction...I always feel so embarrassed when episodes happens.... I've been told that it's silly to feel that way because I can't help that I have it... but I think it's because it makes me feel so weak...and then after the episodes happen I am so weak as well...
I don't like appearing or being weak... I'm supposed to be the strong, confident head of this household...
I've been told that I'm crazy, weird and silly...on different occasions when I try to talk about how I feel because of this stupid condition...I end up just trying to keep my thoughts to myself...

I suppose Big Daddy's right though when he said that the worse thing that could come from today's appointment is that nothing new is learned... though I suppose I worry because I expect the worse and yet hope for the best... which in this case the worst thing that I could find out from this appointment isn't 'nothing new'...it's actually that it's getting worse... I will not go for that stupid ablation again... I tear up and want to cry just thinking about that damn surgery... no one I know will ever be able to understand how horrible that was for me... no amount of describing it will ever help...

two procedures I never want again and wish to never think on again... the ablation for my heart and the HSG to check my inside girly parts... *shudders*

*sighs* I suck... I wish my body wouldn't vex me so... well I wish that and for people who truly don't know about my condition to stfu when they see me using salt, eating meat, having a drag of a smoke...

alas I am just rambling now when I should be getting into the shower and then getting something to eat...

I've Been Know To Stick It In Some Crazy...

So...

My birthday was on Thursday...all around it was a very 'meh' day... I went to the bank for a meeting, dropped off a Tree of Life ornament to a customer...came home took a nap until it was time for the Boychild to go to karate...then went and did some groceries with the Man and Sis...then came home and made dinner...

like I said....meh and not very memorable...

Yesterday we went down to my mum's house and had some dinner...and Mum and Sis gave me a present...it's a nice cloth type caddy for my tools and beading stuff :) ... after dinner we visited and played wii games and such before my mum had to go to work and we went home...got home and finished watching the movie Phone Booth  and I had a snack and then...I got to do something I've not done in ages... I had a skype call with Big Daddy...wasn't exactly sure how it was going to go since I know that it's not exactly something he 'likes' doing anymore...but it was awesome (except the times skype was being a dick...but even then tried not to let it aggravate me too much)... I love him for being willing to give me a video date for my birthday... spent almost 3 hrs talking...was sad when it came to an end...but I was elated when he made a comment about how it had been nice being able to do that...
who knows maybe he'll be a bit more willing to do it on a bit more regular basis...you know...on holidays... lol

I cannot even get into how great it was for me to be able to see him, hear him and just spend some time with him...obviously that feeling stuck with me because when I woke up 5 hours later I had a huge smile on my face as I got ready to go out for the day...I almost came across as a morning person...crazy times!

Burton and I went over to Buffalo to see Pirate Girl...we made some yummy oatmeal and lavender soap, went out to the co-op market, went for lunch and then went to Strange Brew...(an occult shop in Western New York) it was awesome as usual getting to hang out with them...it's too bad that all of us are so busy that we don't get to hang out more often...but I think it just makes us appreciate it all the more when we do finally get together.

So now I'm gonna go watch the 'idiot box' have some dinner and be creative...

I love you Big Daddy....Thank you.

Sex Dreams, Classic Cars, Birthdays and Buffalo

I'm not eating popcorn before bedtime anymore... or doing any of the other things I did last night before I went to bed...besides texting Big Daddy...I'm not stopping that...

I woke up from the weirdest....I can't even call it a sex dream, because there wasn't a whole lot of sex in it... about someone I haven't talked to in ages...and even when we did hang out together he was a friend of a friend, so when we did hang out it was only because we were hanging out with that mutual friend... yeah weird and stuff...

I don't quite remember why he stopped by the house (in the dream) but we ended up in bed making out and then The Man came home and other guy got all 'Oh shit!' and I was just like 'Meh' he's not going to be upset... and sure enough the Man walked in to put his coat away (now I knew it was a dream) and just nodded at other guy and said 'Oh hey how's it going?' Other guy starts in on all sorts of 'this isn't what it looks like'... *laughs* it was really funny... The Man was all 'meh it's alright have at her'...so other guy was still so worried about getting the crap kicked out of him that he said very quick goodbyes and left.
Now we thought he had left as in left in his car and went home...apparently he went and fell asleep in his car because another person we know that we haven't seen in ages pops up to 'drop in and say hello' (knew it was a dream by that as well...no one does that) and she said 'hey did you know that so-and-so is out in his car asleep... The Man went out woke him up told him to come in for a coffee before he leaves...(it was the next morning) and dude starts freaking out not only because had he been making out with me the night prior but now he hadn't come home and his wife (another friend of a friend) was going to be really worried and really pissed...lol

oh it was all very crazy..though I do have to say that in my dream he was a good kisser... *laughs*

Also another odd thing that happened last night was did the regular 'i love you' text to Big Daddy before going to sleep...however, I must have had a really good dream about him at some point as well because when I woke up...our chat window was still up on my screen and apparently I had sent him another text at almost 7 am... I didn't recall doing this at all...and am now wondering how many other messages I've sent to him while half to almost fully asleep...if I was fully awake I wouldn't have sent it because of the timing and figuring him already in bed...

it was a crazy night last night/this morning...

The Manchild came this weekend... I didn't smack him like I thought I would. He was actually pleasant to be around and we had some fun this past weekend. In case you're wondering why this is all a bit surprising to me is because after me being gone for over two weeks, I came home to him texting me to say he wasn't coming to my house for the weekend to which I told him that yes he was and an argument started via text... and lo and behold I just shrugged and said that I didn't fucking care anymore (not to him) and told my family to leave him in Niagara Falls...that if he was going to be a fucking asshole then I didn't want him here spreading his bad attitude to the rest of us. So I was waiting for a text on Thursday telling me that he wasn't coming again. I didn't...he showed up on Friday all cock and swagger just like he always does when he comes from his fathers house (who's actually been staying with the Junkie again...*sigh*) but he lost it pretty quick this time...thankfully.

We were both navigators on Saturday for the Journey For Sight Car Rally put on by the Lions club...that was way fun. I was asked to be a navigator but after showing up we found out that the guy I was supposed to be navigating for was scheduled to have a visually impaired lady with him (the whole thing is to raise money for CNIB...so they bring in blind/visually impaired people to navigate...for some) so I said I would back out so that she could do it. Instead they paired all three of us up. She sat in the back with the route in braille (with her pretty guide dog) and I sat in the front with the driver, and all I did even though I had the route as well was look for street signs and special signs that the Lions had along the way to point out the route. We were in a 1967 Mustang... it was niiiice. Sounded nice. *drools just a lil* (I love me some classic cars)

Ralph and I w/ his '67 Mustang

Papa's '65 and I :)

I got my pic taken in it as well as in a couple of the T-Birds that were there... A friend of the family was there and he had his black 1965 Thunderbird...he was mentioning that he's thinking of selling it *cries a lil* I'm not crying because he's selling or wants to sell it...but because I'd have to sell both my kids in order to buy it... it is a beautiful car... and then I was also in a red T-Bird (for a photo) I'm trying to remember what year that one was...

Tim's Candy Apple Red T-Bird

Anyway... my car won for the closest to the route time with a visually impaired navigator...and we had fun wit the three of us.
The Manchild was a navigator as well...he was navigating for an older couple who doesn't know the area very well...lol apparently they had fun in their car as well...the older couple dressed up like hippies and made an outfit for him as well...and surprisingly enough he was a really good sport about wearing it... so his car won for the costume portion of the day...he got a little trophy and everything...the older couple liked him very much and said what a good kid he is.

Manchild w/ Ted and Ruth

Besides all of that...this week is going to be somewhat fun...I have a date on Thursday with the Man...and a 'date' with Big Daddy on Friday...and a day planned with Burton and Pirate Girl on Saturday over in Buffalo...Usually I'm all excited about my birthday but this year...I dunno I'm really kind of 'meh' about it. The only thing I wanted was to be able to see Big Daddy and thankfully he's willing to spend some time on Friday with me via skype... so I'm happy.

The kids are both getting settled back at school...I'm awaiting some funds to really get the business rolling (however have been commissioned to do two pieces in the interim)...

Things are ... ok.

Yes! Let's go Hiking! Yes!

So... for those who care and/or are keeping track...

I met with the financial advisor earlier this evening that I had spoken about the other day in a post... it went well...

She and I spoke about all things small business it seemed... I had a shit ton of questions about taxes and book keeping and the initial start up money that I'll have available to me... and where to start and what steps I should be taking and how to get to where it is I want to be...

She was really supportive and is willing to work with me on a monthly basis to make sure that I don't fuck up my book keeping...

It was a huge weight off my shoulders...it feels as though I could do just about anything now that I've gotten that initial meeting out of the way... I know I have a lot more to do and am going to definitely need a lot of support and encouragement from my friends and family...

Every time I sit down and make some jewelry, talk about my stuff, work on the FB page, or think about the business stuff I get real excited...motivated to just do more... I have some phone calls to make and some contacts to reach out and touch some how... but all in all... it was a real good meeting... now besides being creative...I have to work on my organizational skills... *tee hee hee* Let's see how that goes...

stay tuned...

Let's Do This Shite...!

While I continue to work shite out in my head I've decided that I'm going to throw myself into my work...

Part of the conversation I had with my father the other night before he was so drunk that he was slurring his words I was talking to him about some of the things that I wanted to do with my teeny tiny business... not the Avon... though it could be applied to that as well... my jewelry.

First step is to get it out there a bit... since up until now I've been treating it more like a hobby... I set out a plan today after my shower and have been starting the steps already... So today I set up a Facebook page for it ... Trece Lunas

I've made an appointment for Friday with a financial advisor so that I can get all the ins and outs to really do this...

I came to the decision while in the shower that if I want to do what it is I want with my life I won't be able to do that working for some one else... so The Man and I were talking again and I think I've come up with something that will work for the three of us... just not passing it by Big Daddy yet... still afraid that he'll say no... so going to wait and see how it sits with me to see that it's solid first...

So back to the business... the ball is rolling and now it's time to get back into action again... and maybe get a bit more elaborate with my designs... find places where I can get some unusual beads and what not...

I'm feeling really good about this... I'm not ready for anyone to poo poo my idea yet, so not going to let on to many that I'm doing it until the ball is truly rolling...http://www.facebook.com/pages/Trece-Lunas/246164558759805

"You're Not The Real Alfred!"

So I was pretty stressed the other night...

Drunken phone call with my father...my eldest (The Manchild) texting me to tell me he doesn't want to see me this weekend, all the crap on my mind about Big Daddy and The Man... when suddenly there's a yahoo msg that pops up from my ex...the Drunken one...I sighed and said hello and when he started asking about getting onto skype so that we could talk I told him that I just wasn't up for it... when he asked me what was wrong I told him... so he told me  that it sounded like I could use someone to talk too... I mean he was right I really could...and sometimes a third party does help me out...

so I finally got my laptop out and was talking to him on skype... he was trying to make me smile, which for the most part just wasn't working... so instead of going that route he got back to seriousness and we started talking about where my head was at...and he of all people was the one that got my head away from the knots and had me start thinking... which of course sounds weird but instead of thinking in the first place I realized that I was brooding... which to me is thinking without any real results...no changes get made from brooding...they get made from thinking...

he tried to simplify things for me... which his answer to everything is 'go and be happy wherever it is that makes you happy' ... which of course is what I would generally tell people as well... (he seems to think that I'm the female version of him....I dunno about that)

however what he doesn't take into account is the fact that... I have obligations and responsibilities here, he doesn't know Big Daddy at all...so can't really ever be sure what he would be up for, and life just isn't as cut and dry as 'Be Happy'...

so after strangely gaining some insight from him...I logged off and ended up starting to talk to the Man about the conversations I had been having that evening...told him about some insight I got from my father (on some non-related stuffs), the fact that my kid seems to think he can dictate to me what he's doing now instead of asking...and how really there's not anything I can do about it since he's in another city and doesn't give a flying fuck about what I have to say and pretty much just laughs at my parental attempts...and of course about the situation with him, myself and Big Daddy...

He, like the Drunken Ex, said over and over again he just wants me to be happy...which that I know...he said he knew I've been unhappy since I got home but wanted to know if I was happy here before I left... I'm always honest with him and said no...not exactly...there were moments of enjoyment... so of course his answer was as simple as the ex's...go be happy where you will be happy... the problem with all of this decision making about me being happy is...

if I decide I'm not happy here....I'm homeless...

no one really knows Big Daddy...not like I do...they've not had the conversations with him that I have...if I had decided that I'm happier with him and living in Reno....that doesn't mean at all that I'm just going to be able to pick up and move to Reno to be with him... and I'm not even talking about the logistics of the government issues or anything like... I'm talking about because of how Big Daddy would feel about the whole thing... I don't think he would want me there... which probably sounds a little weird since he loves me and misses me and enjoyed my company... but after conversations with him I get why it is that it would be that way...

so... if I were to really put things into perspective and come down with the decision that Big Daddy makes me happiest or I should say that is where I'm happiest... I pretty much would be saying... I want to be homeless...because I really don't think I'd be welcome in Reno...

*shrugs*

decisions, decisions...

good thing I'm not making any...yet

So There We Were...

a lot of people know that I;m open to all sorts of alternate lifestyles and so forth but this dream I had takes the freakin cake...

I pictured that not only did the Man and I find a new house to move into... but that Big Daddy was willing to live with us (at the Man's request) but that we also invited my Ex and his girlfriend (not the Junkie) to move in with us as well... all the kids... The Manchild, Boychild, my ex's other two kids and his gf's kids came to live with us as well...

the house that we got was huge... there was a room for the three of us....a bedroom that had once been a kitchen for my Ex and his gf...I sold them on the idea of the fact that if they wanted to keep separate from the rest of the household groceries and such that it was ideal for them to take that bedroom...then for all the kids there was three other bedrooms... an office that we could all run away to with our computers, a rec room in the basement, a living room, dining room and then (I like because I heart it so very much) a kitchen that looked exactly like Big Daddy's....

the house was gorgeous and was big enough that we didn't all feel cramped... the ex's gf's kids didn't live there full time but came on weekends, same with the ex's other two kids...Big Daddy's  son came to visit in the summer... so it was like a revolving door for the kids but all in all it was a pretty stable family home...

I was amazed in my dream that it was working so well...but holy shit talk about a weird friggin dream

I think it maybe sort of stemmed from the fact that the Man and I were talking about living arrangements and such last night before bed...and one that had been revisited was the fact that we had all discussed at one point Big Daddy living here with us...which of course would make my life a helluva lot easier...but that it was proven that wasn't going to happen in a huge way when Big Daddy bought a house... I had felt really hurt at the time and I suppose I still do at times when i think about it... and when it was sort of half mentioned he said something about how the family wouldn't like that too much or something along those lines... what he doesn't realize is the fact that it wasn't originally even my idea... it had been The Man's idea and want to have him live with us...so I'm fairly certain that with it being his idea in the first place that he was and still is alright with the idea, which he did say last night... the it's all moot now... since it's been made abundantly clear that, that is not what Big Daddy would want...

whole bunch more to blog later about last night... too tired right now... just woke up...

Really? Do you have to be drunk to talk to me??

The phone rang this afternoon, well actually it was earlier this evening...

It was my father... at first I wasn't going to answer it because I pretty much had washed my hands of him... but there was a nagging in my brain so I answered it...

Since my 'ranting' message to him months ago I haven't had any contact with him... that is until I was on my way home the other day and got a message from the aunt, that was picking me up from the airport, apparently she had a parcel for me from my father...

So I get back to her place to find out that my father had left (apparently he visited this way while I was away) 4 paddles that he had made... no not sex aides...actual canoe paddles... he makes them as a hobby...

All I could think when I saw them that they were guilt gifts because of my tirade about his lacking of communication and stuff with me and the kids...

So earlier today I sent him a quick message politely thanking him for the paddles and that they were lovely and letting him know that my aunt still had the blanket they were wrapped in...

Which brings us to the phone ringing... I answered it not exactly wanting to... we spoke for a couple of hours about all sorts of stuff... but then I realized that he during our phone call must have been drinking...

It's no wonder I can polish off half a bottle of tequila and feel hardly any of the effects of it at all... I apparently come from alcoholic stock... *sighs* By the time we finished talking he was slurring so badly I could barely understand him...

Maybe when I'm feeling up to it I'll take pics and put them up of the paddles... they are nice...

I just want to know today, know today, know today... Know that maybe I will be ok

Here I am... I'm back in Canada and at home again...which seems weird for me to say since I felt so very at home in Reno...

I got back to the house about 12 hours ago... sat and talked with the man for awhile before heading back to bed... I had gotten used to sleeping until late in the afternoon by both EST and PST standards...

I generally use this forum for my inner most thoughts and for a way for me to deal with the stuff in my head... sometimes to my detriment but still a good spot for me to just be me... that's likely what will be happening for the next few days at least...

I am feeling very disconnected at the moment. I'm glad to have gotten a bit of a transition period last night... I went from the airport to my aunt's house and then here... I'm glad it happened that way... I had that time when I was alone in the bedroom in the basement of their house to sit and just cry for hours... which I had been holding in from the moment I got up yesterday... while I cried I was able to talk (read as text) with both The Man and Big Daddy... I was able to freely admit to The Man that the last thing I wanted to do yesterday was to get on a plane and come back... he was half expecting me to tell him that I wasn't coming back... and it's not because I don't want to be with him or the kids or that I didn't in some way miss them all... it was because my time with Big Daddy is so precious due to the such short amount of time we have together and I was just not ready to leave yet...

which is why I think I'm still feeling kind of disconnected... the differences between the two 'homes' is huge... and I don't just mean the structures in which they are contained... here everything is cluttered and loud... there everything was so quiet and some what serene...

hell even when I'd get annoyed or upset at/with Big Daddy... it never lasted long... generally easily fixed with a hug... because it would just come into my mind 'you don't have enough time here with him to stay angry or upset'... so I just didn't...

The Man was nice enough to start talking to me about possibilities for going back... probably knew that I needed to know that it was an option... and that yes that's what I would be thinking about for the next while is how long do I have to wait before going back...

I'm hoping that since on Monday everything in his body language pretty much said 'I don't want you to go' that  Big Daddy wants me to come back soon...every moment I was there I enjoyed... even when it was just Circe and I hanging out and waiting for him to come home from work so that I could get a hug before going to bed...every morning rolling over and smiling as he laid there still sleeping...

I would just watch him or look at him at random times (especially while he was driving) and he'd turn and ask why I was staring at him...my answer was pretty much always 'because I can right now'... trying again to re-memorize the sound of his voice, his facial features, and so forth because of how long it is between times I get to see him... it's not like we video chat like we used to... or even talk on the phone very much (especially since he's fairly soft spoken and my phone sucks which leaves the conversation being - I sort of hear something, then say what was that?, and then he repeats it like twice)... most of our communications nowadays are through texts...and I get to see him when I look at pics of him... that of course were taken against his will...

I've said it before and I'll likely say it again... I love you just seems way to small...

So as you can see right now I'm still sort of stuck in Reno...that's where my head is at as well as my heart... I'll likely be a bit despondent... I'm not worried that I'll stay that way... though I am worried about how it will be handled at times... I'll likely be lost in the memories that I'll not share with any others... I'll smile or tear up at times that would seem really odd, or chuckle at what will seem like my own private joke...

I want to crawl into that little cave for awhile and stay there until I feel it's ok to poke my head out again...there will only be a small few who will be privy to my cave and I hope the others don't mind overly if they're not invited...

who knows maybe I'll be ok enough by my birthday... or maybe I won't be ok until the end of the dark times... all I know is that as long as I have them both I'll be alright...

So for now I'm living with a very odd and surreal feeling of being here but not quite being here... I think I got a little lost during transition...

Vegas Airport Smells Funny....

I feel like I'm going to be sick...

I'm sitting here in the Vegas airport awaiting my flight to Buffalo... I'm not looking forward to it... as a matter of fact I really really want to find a SouthWest agent and change my ticket to a flight back to Reno...

Been really good though... didn't cry yet today....probably gonna happen later...

the flight from Reno to Vegas wasn't very long but man was it really bouncy...had some turbulence on the way out and on our approach back in at Vegas...

I'm kind of hoping that the flight to Buffalo isn't a full flight and that maybe I might be able to score a window seat...

SouthWest has a free for all seating policy but they put you on the plane in groups... A B and C.... A = Window Seat... B = Aisle Seat... and C = stuck in the middle...

I was hoping for a window with a B but that didn't happen... I would like to know how to ensure from now on that I'll be in the A category...

Oh well...

I miss Big Daddy already... been hugging his hoodie all day...

and now I have to go... tearing up again....

My Bags Are Packed and I'm Not Ready To Go...

So here I sit on the bed typin' up my last blog post from here in Reno...

It's been wicked fun to be here with Big Daddy and not have to care too much about the outside world except to wonder if Circe has enough food and water downstairs...

I've just about finished packing up all my stuff... I'm surprised Big Daddy hasn't wanted to go through my luggage since I told him I was going to steal his Nook colour.... tee hee... I was playing with it the other day... I likes it...and of course I wants one...

it's fairly easy to say that I don't want to go... I would like to stay here and spend more time with Big Daddy and even though he's not come right out and said it... I'm fairly certain he's a bit sad to see me go as well... I've had a really good time with him... and in the back of my mind am already trying to figure out when I can come back...

I know the Man and the Boychild have been missing me....I dunno about the Manchild he's still fairly self absorbed for the time being... but I do miss them a bit... I just know that I get to see them all the time... I only get to spend time with Big Daddy once a year... I was really lucky this time that I got to spend so much time here with him by ourselves...

I'm thinking April or May again... though when I was here in May last year it did snow... and that was just weird...anyway I suppose it all depends on what we decide...

anyway... I'm going to go watch some comedians or something extremely funny to keep my mind off things and to help me to keep from crying... I've been fairly distracted most of the day... but I'm certain the night time is going to be worse...

next post likely to come from either Runa's house tomorrow night or from home the next day...

If There's One Thing I Like It's Getting Stuffed For $1

Went out into the desert today....

I didn't have a horse with no name and I wasn't trying to get out of the rain...but still went out into the dessert... getting out there was half the adventure it seemed and only because of trying to drive and dirt roads that aren't exactly kept up in any sort of fashion...

took out 3 hand guns and 2 rifles... set up some targets and away we went... I tried to be a good student... you know the keep your mouth shut do as your told and you won't get hurt sort of thing... lol

so got a lesson in all the proper ways to handle and fire a gun, as well as how to stand and so forth...

I  a .22 revolver, .40 semi-auto, 1911 .45 semi-auto... I think out of the three of them I liked the .22 the best...only because of the fact that it was quieter and had less kick to it... yeah yeah I'm such a girl :P

the AR that I used was a civilian version/model of the M16... I didn't mind that one at all...especially when sitting down with  it... it had more of a recoil than Big Daddy let on but it was still awesome nonetheless... I got a nice grouping of head shots with it when I was sitting down... however not so great when I was standing up... that mo'fo is not really all that light...

the one I have to say that I disliked the most was the AK47... that is not a nice weapon... the recoil was ouchy and the stock on it isn't very forgiving... I think it gave me a bruise...

So we were out for a couple of hours and it was hot and dusty and dirty and effin awesome!! :)

after we were done we went into town to get some drive thru fast food... can't imagine why Big Daddy wouldn't want to leave thousands of dollars worth of firearms in the back of the car while we went into a restaurant to eat some supper...

he introduced me to 'In and Out' I had never heard of it before and he said it was good so... went and got some double cheeseburgers that were really effin good as well... after unloading the car and eating we hit the shower and have been chilling here at home since...

Big Daddy's birthday was on the 1st... he hates his birthday and for anyone who knows me I love my birthday so it was an interesting day that end with the two of us drinking an entire bottle of tequila... and after that I won't even get into details...

The next day... I got to meet his parents... they wanted to take him out to dinner and well I ended up tagging along I think more so because he didn't want to seem rude by asking me to stay at the house...
they were really nice to me... I was really nervous to meet them... I'm still trying to figure out how he came from them... lol the three of them are so different  from each other...

For any who are wondering my title is a line from a commercial I heard on the radio and lost it laughing over...

I am starting to get that whole 'I don't wanna leave yet!!' thing happening...it happens every time I go away and have a good time while gone...obviously it's different this time... I hate leaving Big Daddy... we have fun together and though it was a bit rough a couple of times while I've been here overall I've had a brilliant time.... I'm going to hate leaving him for like another year... and now I'm gonna stop talking about it before I begin to cry and he looks over and asks what's wrong... the answer 'nothing' never seems to work with him...

I've found myself at times just watching him and when he catches me looking at him and says 'what? why are you staring at me?' I generally just answer with 'because I can right now' ...right now as I'm typing up this blog post he's been playing on his computer and I've been able to look at him from the side as much as I want... lol
He's Awesome... I Loves Him sooooooo much... *blush* and even though heart him so much I will never like Minecraft as much as he does no matter how many times I 'try' it... lmao
However he did introduce me to Team Fortress 2.... LOVE it!! The Heavy is fucking awesome! love him, love his guns, love his accent, love his dialogue....

So eventually I will post some pictures.... I haven't taken many this time...