OMG I Had To Share This...

I receive the monthly newsletter from T-Shirt Hell...I love the editor sometimes he's just too funny...

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YOU CAN'T BEAT IT
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People often say to me, "You seem to hate everybody, and everything.
Isn't
there anything you love?" Of course: I love to masturbate! There are
few
joys in life as simple and as perfect as rubbing one out. Even though
I am
now super rich, and I regularly bang actresses, models and pop stars
who
have names that rhyme with hoho, I occasionally give in to the
immediate
gratification of jerking off.

There are no pleas for cuddling, there's no requests for child support,
or
awkward questions like; "do you love me?", "how am I going to get this
out
of my hair?" or "But you're the one who put it in my ass! Maybe you
can
lure it out with a piece of chicken?"

Also, sometimes when you're fucking a supermodel, you can split those
skinny
bitches in half when you ease it all the way in, or blow the tops of
their
heads off if you cum too vigorously. Supermodels are really only made
to be
walking clothes hangers, they're not really designed for rough sex.
Then
you have bodies to dispose of. Fortunately, supermodels make excellent
kindling, although they can be a bit dry.

But back to the subject at hand (no pun intended). I know you all
think
that you're excellent masturbators and are eager to type on your sticky
keyboards and tell me about the latest porn site you found or fetish
video-
girls tied to rocks while eagles shit on them as they're fucked by
porpoise,
volume VII- that you just downloaded. I say boring! Amateur crap!
What
about your roommate? Or let's pretend that you have a significant
other who
shares your home. Sadly, most of you probably still live with your
mom,
right?

Let me clue you in. They are on to you. They check your history
folder,
they look at your cookies, and they've held a black light over your
laptop.
And the fact that you delete your history folder every night does not
convince them you're simply trying to conserve disk space, considering
your
hard drive also contains mpegs of every episode of Knight Rider.

When you're planning on having sex without a partner, you need to think
outside the box (no pun intended). The best place to masturbate,
besides
standing outside of the Today Show, is the kitchen. Yes, the kitchen
with
its endless supply of lubricants, and easy to clean surfaces. The
kitchen;
where you can beat your meat and make a sandwich. Best of all no one
ever
suspects.

How many times has this happened to you?

"Where are you going, honey?"
"Oh, I just have to use the bathroom. Go back to sleep. I'll be out in
10
minutes, 5 if I stay focused."
"Leave the door open, and don't flush. I want to see this
masterpiece."
"Dang!"

But here's your new scenario:

"Where are you going, honey?"
"Kitchen"
"OK. Just don't eat the roast beef. It's full of maggots.
Goodnight."
"Woohoo!"

So here are some final tips.

Greasing up: It's the mother lode- from cooking spray to chunky peanut
butter, Tabasco to tabouille. Extra virgin olive oil is terrific. But
if
you have a fast hand, it may start to smoke. So, you may want
something
that can withstand the higher temperature, like peanut oil or Crisco.
Do
not be tempted to use Drano. I know it says it will clean your pipes
but
this is not a euphemism.

Inspiration: Mrs. Butterworth, Betty Crocker, and Mama Celeste are all
hotties. If you like men there's the guy on the Brawny paper towels,
the
Jolly Green Giant and Mr. Clean. If you're a freak there's Tony the
Tiger,
the Keebler elves, and the dancing hand from Hamburger Helper.

Bonus items: Cucumbers, carrots, and wine bottles oh my! Rinse them
when
you're done or use them for coleslaw with your own special tang.

Clean up: Again, it's a snap. Personally I like to do it right into
the
dishwasher, but you're welcome to take advantage of the sink, the
trashcan,
and the oven mitts.

While this advice holds true for both men and women, the ladies get one
additional tip. You don't need to hide when you masturbate. No one
will
judge you, everyone wants to watch. You can actually make a fairly
good
living at it.

So enjoy yourself, and until next time,
this is the Editor saying, "Bon Appetit!"