One More Post Before The Changing of The Year...

As I sit here with my TV blaring the concert in Niagara Falls, and the kids play Yu-Gi-Oh over on the couch and the Man lays on the love seat with his laptop, I couldn't help but think that I needed to write just one more entry before 2011 starts in about an hour and a half.

New Years Resolutions? take 'em or leave 'em...?

I leave 'em... I've not made them... they do seem a bit pointless... people forget them by ground hog's day... or at least by St Patty's Day when they all go back to drinking their faces off... or for women the first time they step back on a scale again they go for that bucket of ice cream because they hadn't lost that 15 lbs yet... lol

Yeah so I just don't bother with them... and I don't ask others what their resolutions are.

So Christmas take 2 is happening tomorrow... the Man's mother woke us up this morning saying that since it's warm out she'll be heading down this way tomorrow... rather then on Monday because apparently the weatherman, who by the way is right only about 5% of the time, says that it's supposed to freeze on Sunday... ok so fine whatever... however... now I have to thaw an almost 15lb frozen solid turkey... #fml

So this also means that the Man is leaving earlier then anticipated... only good thing about that is that maybe he'll be back sooner.

I really prefer to hibernate if I can when the weather gets cold... he takes the Boychild to school and to Cubs and he goes to the store... pretty much anything that happens outside the front door... he does all that in the winter... so for a week maybe two... I'm going to have too. :( my doesn't want to...

Got a couple of single beds for the boys last night.. thank you Ikea and lady on the other side of town... they broke their bunk beds just before Christmas... they seemed much happier this morning now that they're up off the floor...

The hosts just said a few minutes ago that if you want good luck in the New Year that you should be standing next to a tall dark haired man when midnight rolls around... the Man will have to work for being tall this evening since Big Daddy's not around... ;)

And now back to Great Big Sea, Offishal Kardinal, and Barenaked Ladies...

Happy New Year... I hope you make it through 2011 unscathed.

Break On Through To The Other Side...

I keep flipping through my tabs and stop for a moment longer on this one thinking that I should probably take the time to type something up... though I've been told that my posts are too long... and the last few days I've wanted to say a whole lot...

Yesterday was a year since I had seen my grandma... she passed away almost a month later... I had gone to church with her with some other family members and then we all went to lunch together... so pretty much the last time I saw my grandma was giving her a hug in the parking lot of the Red Lobster... I miss her.

All of my natural Grandparents have passed away now. I still have my Grandma, who was married to my Mom's father.

Christmas... yeah generally...I would talk about it and give an update about everything... but I've talked to Big Daddy about it, and the Man... so really... I'm done bitching about Christmas and really just want it to be over.

Next week I have to put up with the Man's mother... if she makes it down... she has the tendency to not come when she initially tells us... however... the Man has agreed to go back with her up north for a couple of weeks...

And then I get to go to a family gathering and be all cheery with people I see twice a year.

Somewhere in there is New Years Eve... which instead of going to the Falls to watch an awesome Canadian based concert, I'll likely have to stay home and try to see about watching it at home. I suppose I'll be warmer that way.

We're all alive and survived the holiday thus far...

the end.

oh wait...

watched TRON this morning... went and watched TRON Legacy in 3D... fucking loved it... good day!

and now...

the end.

Told me you loved me, why did you leave me all alone? Now you tell me you need me when you call me on the phone...

So get this... more on the odd phone calls front...

Sitting here today contemplating doing something more then just watching sit-coms...and I hear my cellphone ring... as I stated before people don't call my cellphone... they know better...

So I go into the bathroom (yes that's where I charge my phone) and again there's a number I don't recognize and this time it wasn't the old man trying to find his son named John... no message left but I am curious like a kitteh and called the number back on the land line since I have coverage all over North America... it went to some voice mail for some woman who's name I couldn't quite understand in the recording.

So I just hung up. Fast forward about 15 minutes, the Man and I are sitting here watching another episode of my latest addiction and the phone rings, I look at the id and start laughing as the phone number was the same that had been on my cell.
The following conversation was had;

Me: Hello?
Her: Um Hi there I believe I just missed a call from this number...
Me: (I started chuckling) Yes that was me trying to figure out who was calling my cell phone from this number.
Her: (sounding a little embarrassed) Oh. Um yeah that was me I misdialed and didn't leave a message.
Me: Ah well that explains it.
Her: Yeah I'm sorry about that.
Me: Hey no problem have a great day.

What is it with all the strange phone calls?

When all the stars collide, in this universe inside. The big big bang...

Update on strange calls... got another text to landline call yesterday... same number as last time... this time message was...

FWD Did you know that the Canadian Postal service came out with a new stamp with a penis on it. I heard you were confused about what side you're supposed to lick.

Again... funny as hell... but annoying as well... lol

So I sent them one back... not a text but a voice mail message that they'll get on their phone. Just letting them know that they're spending almost a buck each time they send the messages to me and since I don't know them or don't care I'll keep accepting the texts.

I guess I'll see what happens with that.

Every so often I have these moments that just sort of solidify the fact that I have grown into my geekdom somewhat...

As I stand at the stove rolling peanut butter balls through melted chocolate, there's no conversations going on in the house, only music. So there I was lost in my own thoughts and suddenly call out to the Man, who is laying on the couch with his laptop.

"Hey would you say I'm chaotic neutral or chaotic evil? cause I think I could see both."

Yep... if that doesn't scream geek I dunno what does. However, thankfully without asking anything about it his response comes back.

"You? I'd definitely say chaotic evil."

Me : "Really? Chaotic Evil?" finally turning to look over at him.

Man: "Well maybe Chaotic Neutral with evil tendencies." without even looking up from the game he's playing.

Me: "Hmm yeah I think I could definitely say that, but you really think I'd be Chaotic Neutral and not just true neutral?"

Man: "The fact that you just asked me completely out of no where, yeah that tells me definitely chaotic."

Me: "Hmm yeah I suppose that would be correct." I said as I was nodding and thinking about it.

Geekdom at it's finest in our house.

I mean we then went on to talk about why it was I was thinking that I could be neutral or evil. Which is probably a much more interesting conversation to be typing up, but it involves men and sex and deceit, and espionage and fleeing the country and such... So I'm sure any reading this post wouldn't be interested in that at all.

I don't want to have to get all cryptic about what was on my mind at the time, needless to say we came to the conclusion that I'm chaotic neutral with evil tendencies.

I'm ok with that.

I'm either Bernadette which I just think she's a flake and not exactly fitting for Chaotic Neutral... or I get bouts of Evil Wil Wheaton... like I said... I'm ok with that.

Hello? Is it me you're looking for?

ok the past couple of weeks I've had a few strange phone calls... I thought it was just happening on my cell... but apparently not.

A couple of weeks ago I checked my cell and there was a strange number on it saying that I had missed the call.
Then last week same number on the phone, this time a voice mail was left. A very old man asking me for the name of the cancer doctor I had gone to because he thinks he may need to go ask them some questions.
Then last night we were all sitting around and my cell went off again (everyone knows not to call my cell, it's only used for texting) so I got up and went over to it and there was the Dunnville number on it again. So I did a reverse look up on it after hearing the message. Again, very old man, this time saying 'John was that you who called me earlier and let it ring about 10 times? I was in the bath tub.'
Ok, so I couldn't just let it go because it's quite obvious this old guy has my cell number and seems to think my name is John. So I grabbed the house phone and gave the ol' guy a call.

Yep, really strange I know but it bothered me, not in a 'I'm really upset stop calling me it makes me angry' kind of way.

So he answers the phone and I very politely let him know that I think he has my cell number mixed up with some one elses. I repeated his voice mail to him per his request as he had apparently forgotten what he had said. Come to find out in the 2 minutes I was on the phone with him explaining the situation; he has 4 boys, he's just turned 90 years old, he was in the tub when someone called him earlier, he was quite embarrassed about the mix up and that he lives in Dunnville on his own.

He apologized and said he would check with his son (John) to find out what his cell number was and wouldn't call back. I politely told him it was quite alright I just wanted to make sure he was calling the right number so that he and/or John didn't get worried about not hearing from one another.

So then tonight, the land line rings, I look at the caller id and notice that it's a cell number and answer it figuring that maybe it was the Manchild's father or something.

Nope.

I get an automated message explaining that I just received a Telus cell to landline text. If I wished to hear it press 1... intrigued I pressed it. The automated voice reads the following to me;

FWD Are you alright, I heard you weren't. A friend told me you built a penis on the front lawn made of snow, and that your lips are stuck to it.

I had to press 3 to hear that again. Not only did I find the message itself funny, hearing the robotic female voice say it was even funnier.

The Man came out of the bathroom to see me laughing and the kids confused.

I recited the message to all of them and they all started laughing as well.

Yep never ending barrel of fun times going on here ;)

You're a knife, sharp and deadly, and its me, that you cut into...

I do believe that I've finally figured it out.

Ok so haven't really updated here about the pain that I've been having... well if I did I don't remember posting them.

So I was having some issues where sometimes after having a good time either with another or by myself I would be in extreme pain for the next couple of days afterwards.

So I had been starting to think that I would never be able to orgasm again without having to pay for it with pain for the next few days. This of course had really started to wear on me... because of course as I just said a post or so before... I'm a sexual person.

So just picturing me without sex in my life was starting to get pretty down about it and had talked to the Man a couple of times about how I should try to get past this issue, or if I should try experimenting with timing and what exactly could be causing it and so forth.

I know that if I went to talk to the doctor about it I would have to get really specific about when it happens, for how long and after doing what...
So I suppose this month has been 'all in the name of science'... different days... different methods... and so forth.

It's been just shy of interesting.

That is until this morning...

I decided that since I was up, and tend to wake up in the mood to have some fun, I had a few minutes of free time while the Man took the Boychild to school, I would utilize the mood and the alone time.

I don't think that was a really good idea. I've been doubled over in pain since...

Women tend to keep track of two 'times of the month' ... sometimes three depending how anal they are... *mmm anal...* sorry off track... um anyway...

So generally we keep track of the lovely time that ruins our sheets, underpants, moods, and so forth... and then the other one some of us keep track of which to me was far more important was that time of the month where if not careful you'd end up with a mini me running about.
(that one's not so important now to me for that reason because it's been proven now that I won't be having any more children... not even going to try anymore...)

I sat down and looked at the calendar and realized that tomorrow is the start of my (so called) fertile period. So then I started thinking about when the other bouts of pain after orgasm were. As far as I can tell now that I'm keeping track of the pain... it comes when I'm just about (but not really) fertile.

what does all this mean?

I'm likely to not get laid during the week of my menses and now I'm likely to not get laid during my (so called but not really) fertile period... man that knocks it down to two weeks of the month I can actually enjoy having an orgasm.

FML.

You Got Me Begging You For Mercy, Why Won't You Release Me?

So most people who know me... (hmm I use that a lot when I'm writing about oddities about myself - *shrugs*)

Anyway... those who know me know that I'm an extremely sexual person... generally more comfortable delving into the smallest of nuances about the act of sex then most people are with talking about what's new in their lives... and what colour the sky is...

who knows why... I blame it on some of the company I've kept over the years and the conversations had over the web of cyber space that makes up this craziness that is the internet... a lot easier to talk openly about some of the most intimate of subjects when you can't see the judging look on the other persons face... then to find out that you might actually have some of the same oddities in common with the other faceless Anon's out there... well hell you've just made a connection with that person that might not ever be discussed in each other's company unless in the dark...

however... that seems to have bled over to my offline life... I've been told by people that I'm not afraid to talk about just about anything and how they wish they could do that as well... *blink blink*

srsly?

I edit a lot of the shit that comes out of my mouth sometimes too much so... but that's a different post altogether.

So... was having a debate about sexual fantasies... celebs vs real people...

It's just human nature to fantasize... whether sexual or not... however... in this case it was a sexual fantasy debate

Most people will fantasize while having a bout of self loving. (some do while with others... but again... 'nother post for another time)

I personally take the stand of... it's perfectly natural to fantasize about others when you're with yourself. Whether you want to picture yourself with Johnny Depp or your Neighbour... whatever floats your boat.

The flip side was - you should only fantasize about those who are truly unattainable.

Really though... what if I was deluded enough to think I could land Johnny Depp? Then by that argument I would not be allowed to fantasize about him.

Personally... I don't imagine celebs when my hand's between my legs and I'm in my fun land.... srsly. There are only three men that I fantasize about and I've already been with them.

It's just the type of person I am, I find it better to know/remember what it felt/feels like to have them with me.
That and it's just easier... leave it to me to find the easy way to masturbation. Huzzah...

So I suppose the debate would be settled with a simple... some like it some ways and others like it other ways...

However... if you're ever with the one you're fantasizing about... don't be shy and tell them what you want... done to you or to do to them ;)

Believe me... if you don't... you'll just regret it.

Shh...

Better Today...

Things that help me get out of my shallow moments...

include conversations with those few that I consider friends... certain songs... music videos... some movies... etc...



This is one of those songs and videos....

Shallow Moments...

I saw something this weekend that nearly made me lose my lunch. So I was quite thankful that I hadn't eaten for quite awhile.

I went into the bathroom while at the hotel the other night and was not so pleasantly surprised by the naked fat chick in the mirror.

Ok so it's not like I was deluded prior to that about my weight or how I look/ed

However... as I stood there for a moment I really took a look and was not very happy.

I don't think some realize that once you start losing weight one of the main things that happens when you start losing weight is the stretch marks don't go away, they tend to get worse and skin doesn't just go back to where it was when weight is lost.

The only way to fully appreciate the yuckiness of it all is... well  I'd have to post a pic and do the whole sports caster pointing out what I'm talking about and I think that it would just be best for everyone's sanity, gastrointestinal health and long term memory if I just let it go there and not try to describe it in full graphic detail.

So needless to say I stood there for a few moments with a disappointed look on my face and the thought of I doubt I'll ever believe anyone who sees me naked and says that I'm sexy.

I once had a conversation with another woman who also likes both men and women. She said that she found stretch marks sexy, I understand that because I have no issues with them, but the ones that seem to carve into the torso, leaving deep gashes across my abdomen...and lower... *shakes head* not so sexy to me.  I agree that stretch marks can actually be a bit of a turn on and quite sexy and fun to play with during foreplay and exploration... *trails that thought off...*

The more the weight shifts around on me...away from my stomach and to other parts of my body... the more my stomach looks worse to me. I know that we're always the most critical on ourselves but I can't help but wonder.

I know that I joke around about being adorable and cute and other things but that's because that's about as far as it goes... sexy just seems foreign to me, probably why I tell people that they need glasses and things like that.

I generally only get undressed in the dark now when I'm going to bed... or wear something to bed...

I'm glad about losing weight and being healthier ... not really happy about how it's making me look though.

I know probably really shallow sounding... but it's just been on my mind I suppose...

I've been known to take some naughty pictures and send them to Big Daddy... but even with those it's a case of that part of me stays covered...

Sometimes it is a bit awkward...

I was on my way home today on the bus, ipod charged and keeping me company and I found it ironic that Linger by the Cranberries came on as we were leaving Toronto.

Watching it rain through the window and just sort of thinking... then another of those really odd morbid thoughts popped up.

What would I do if the bus were to get into a really bad accident... so my mind takes these morbid thoughts and runs through scenarios of what I would do or what might happen... especially if I was alright...

Have to overly analyze everything ... I suppose.

But for now... I have a phone call to make before I fall asleep again.

What do you think about while brushing your teeth?

The weirdest moments trigger some of the oddest memories.

I was in the bathroom about an hour ago and I was going through my nightly routine of washing and moisturizing my face and brushing my teeth... not all at once of course but anyway...

As I stood there brushing my teeth I had a memory of my Grandma, on my dad's side, creep up into my brain...

One night when my sister and I were staying at her house we would get ready for bed together. My grandma when I was little had a full set of dentures that she of course would take out and brush just before she went to bed.

I remember asking her the next morning after one such evening why it was that she had dentures. I don't remember the explanation why it was that she had them, but I remember her looking me in the eye and telling me that I need to take good care of my teeth so that I didn't have to get fake ones like hers. Going on to explain that she used to have very good teeth and that she hopes that neither of us (my sister or I) would ever have to get false ones. I didn't think anything of it at the time, I was just little. I'm not sure how old exactly but I know that my Grandma passed away when I was 10...

So of course going along on the thought process train... it choo-choo'd along to how fascinated I always was of her false teeth. She thought it very odd that I would ask if I could brush them for her (shh I was a kid wtf did I know) So she would hold them and would let me brush them with her toothbrush. I would comment that I thought it was handy to just take your teeth out to brush them and then put them back in, in the morning, and if you had anything caught in your teeth you would see it and be able to better brush it out.

I suppose I was always an odd child.

I regret that I didn't get to spend a whole lot of time with my Grandmother and always felt that when we would go to visit that she didn't like me very much. She taught us lots of stuff and I get my crafty ways from her in a lot of ways. I remember going into their basement and it would be full of craft stuff. Grapevine wreaths that were partially made and waiting for us to decorate, she taught my sister and I how to cross stitch... she would have all sorts of projects for us to work on.

I don't remember why it was... but I remember...just barely... for about a week my dad would put my sister and I to bed, I was sleeping in a sleeping bag, for in the middle of the night before he went to work his midnight shift he would carry us out to the car that we had at the time, and woke up in my grandma's house and would spend the day with her.

I should ask my mom about that... maybe she was in the hospital or something...

Anyway... I always loved playing in the garden... chasing my sister around the house... sitting in the breezeway between the house and the garage playing cards...

One of the last times I had seen her my aunt was sneaking us kids, her two and my sister and I into the hospital. Hiding the baby at the time under her coat while we ducked and weaved around nurses and orderlies  as we made our way up to her room.

It was only a couple of weeks later that she passed away.

Her death didn't really affect me at the time, what the hell do you really know about death at the age of 10?
When we got home from the funeral that day, me still in my dress clothes, I sat down on my bed at the time and started to cry. It wasn't until then that I sat down and realized that I was never going to spend the day with Grandma and visit with her ever again.

Now 20 years later... when a memory from that time comes to mind... I try to only remember the funny or positive stuff... and I take a few moments to quietly reflect and remember and smile... because I know that one day maybe 20 more years from now... I'll likely have forgotten them.

I suppose that's one of the reasons why I write so much stuff down... so that I can remember it later.

Who knows maybe one day I'll sit down and read this blog from start to finish and have all sorts of memories come running back. ... hrm... maybe not ;)

Love you Grandma and Grandpa  

Reindeer Coming and They're Gonna Eat Your Begonias

Alright first off let me start off this post by saying...

It is NOT my fault.

Some are going to blame me and even curse me after they hear what I have to say... but I'm sticking to my guns and staying with the... It's Not My Fault.

So I'm on the phone with Big Daddy last night and I was laughing at him for living in a state that most people would assume would be warm enough to not get snow and yet it has snowed there at least 5 times (according to him) already this winter.
I mean c'mon he lives in a desert ffs...
So last night I did some finger pointing and some laughing at the fact that sure I live in the south and we haven't had any snow. Sure it's the South of Canada but still south ;)


The common misconception with most individuals south of the Canadian border is that as soon as you pass over that invisible line that separates the two countries that you're now in igloo and dog sled country. (I shit you not... oh the stories I could tell and maybe one day will) the fact is that where I live we get less snow then the rest of the province for some reason. I think it has a lot to do with the Niagara Escarpment that sort of shelters the city from a lot of the snow that hits south of us i.e. Fort Erie/Buffalo. There has been times that I've found out that my relatives have been snowed in at their homes yet I look out the window and there's like an inch of snow on the ground.
Man I love my city.

Anyway... so where was I in my story?

Right so I was laughing at Big Daddy and all the snow where he is, which he wasn't overly impressed with, but still loves me (yay!).

So the Man is crawling back into bed this morning and grumbles at me "It's all your fault..." to which of course I (who am sleeping and cramping and trying to not kill him for waking me) respond with "What?"
He says in my ear as he burrows back under the covers "It's snowing."
I sighed and went back to sleep.

So contrary to what the Man says... this is not my fault. It's December 6th, it's Canada, it's winter... it's it's... it's not my fault.

So since I'm not taking the blame I think I'll shirk off the blame and turn around and say that it's just nature. ;)

I like snow... I dislike the cold but I really don't mind snow... it makes for some really pretty pictures.

I love you Big Daddy, thanks for the snow. ;)

November 15th 2005 - I Read The News Today... Oh Boy...

I was going through an old blog I had on dead journal and found this... Many people used to ask me what happened when I would have a cardiac episode with my SVT... I wrote this in response to try to tell what happens. This still happens to me even after my heart 'procedure'.


Laying still on the bed, eyes closed... trying not to move, not wanting to give away the fact that she was awake... the alarm had gone off a couple of times already... he had reached over her hit the snooze a couple of times and quickly got back under the covers...
she didn't want to get up the bed was nice and warm and she was extremely comfortable...
then it happened...
the weird wave of uneasiness washed over her frm head to foot... trailing down her arms to her fingertips... little waves of electric blah... down to her toes... the sound dulled in her ears, she felt a numbness at the back of her head... her throat started to tighten... 
without opening her eyes she spoke towards him... "Raistlan, could you please go get me an icepack and a tea towel?"
he jumped out of bed without even answering... ran out to the kitchen, snatched the icepack out of the freezer... and grabbed a tea towel... she tried very hard to concentrate... she couldn't her uneasiness caused her brain to feel fuzzy...

she sat up and couldn't breathe very well... she needed to think... but think about what? she thought she should concentrate on what was hapening... but what exactly is happening... she couldn't focus... she couldn't concentrate... she had a heaviness on her chest... she couldn't breathe... and her heart... her heart.... her heart was beating so fast she couldn't count that fast... she could feel it in her throat... in her wrists... in her chest... the constant thumping... the beating that was so violent that she could feel it all the way to her toes... at times it felt her brain was thumping to the same time... 

the thumping is so loud and so violent... after even just a couple minutes she feels like she's going insane... she tries thedifferent techniques they told her too... but to no avail...

she asks him to start the shower... a cold one... she tells the littlest one to get dressed... she points the clothes out for him.. she still can't focus... and can barely stand on her own... he comes back... she stumbles and staggers into the bathroom... she sits on the toilet... starts the techniques again that they told her to do...

all of a sudden she feels her stomach drop... her throat tighten real tight... a pain in her chest... a pop happens in her chest... she exhales loud and hard... she had been holding her breath... she asks him to turn off the shower... leaning against the sink... she looks into the mirror... her eyes looked sunk in... her skin was pale... she felt sweat on her brow and in her hair... 

she asked him to take her pulse... he searched for a spot where he could feel it... 

see at the end of one of them... her pulse disappears for awhile... he found it... it went back to 80-ish... she felt light headed... she felt exhausted... she felt like she had just ran a marathon... she needed to lie down... she crawled into the little ones bed and tried to relax...

for the rest of the day she was tired and she couldn't think straight...

Keep smilin', keep shinin' ... Knowin' you can always count on me, for sure

Ever feel like the people you'd like to connect with better don't feel the same way about you?

Sort of leaves you with that feeling of 'what's wrong with me that they don't want to get to know me better?'

Went and did that weekend with the few women I had mentioned in a previous post. It went well. Everyone seemed to enjoy themselves by the end of it.
I know that it could have gone the other way, only because I know that there could have been tension with one of the participants and myself and you just never know with them if this time will be one of those times that you will be treated like an outsider.

I asked the man earlier way it is that I seem to have such a hard time connecting with people. He was at a bit of a loss as well.

There's just a lot of times where I feel like I have to try harder then everyone else, and then end up shrugging and saying 'fuckit' and stop trying, but then later on I wonder why.

I suppose if I'm gonna say fuckit then I should stop wondering why afterward.

Was asked at the beginning of the Saturday morning while awaiting my breakfast to make a list of the top 10 closest friends of mine.
I felt sad when honestly told them that I don't have 10 close friends. Those friends that you can call when really in a bind to help you out, especially with emotional support of some sort. There wasn't 10.
I wrote mine down... there was 6.

They don't even know each other, so it's not like we can all go hang out for drinks or some shit. The first one on the list was the Man he's here so that's good. The Second was Big Daddy he's 2500 miles away. The Third, Krammity-Jane she's here but really only accessible by phone. Fourth, was Squasha yeah just moved from Qatar to Zurich, but yeah there's a big pond in between. Fifth, was Narkash, he's in D.C. not exactly close. The sixth? Well they were a maybe depending on the day, sort which is one of my ex's who is in Delaware.

So yeah.. real close friends there. Except for the Man all of them are a minimum of an hour away.

I was talking to my dad on the phone earlier this evening and was half joking with him about how I wasn't exactly sure why I signed on to start selling Avon when I really am not good at talking to people. He told me to not talk to the people and instead talk about the products, I get that but it would still be talking to people about the products.

Don't get me wrong I do like talking to people but I like talking to those whom I choose to talk to. I know probably snobbish or what not but *shrugs*

I like my little cave that I live in and bringing those I like into it on occasion and then closing the door behind them again when they've left my cave.

I'm fairly anti-social and generally when I do make friends like the 6 I have, they tend to be fairly anti-social themselves.


Oh well.. I'll stop wondering what's wrong with me and wondering why others don't want to know me better or come and have coffee and hang out with me and just stick to my little group of people that are dear to me.

"You think brushing your teeth is foreplay" ~ Marge Simpson

I am one of those crazies that believes that the cure for things like AIDS and Cancer have been found but they keep getting swept under the rug... for either financial reasons which is what a lot of the crazies will say but I'm one of those other crazies where I actually believe that it's for another reason as well which isn't all financial but also... wait for it... population control.

The virus that is human beings is spreading at such a dramatic rate that there needs to be some sort of population control, n'est pas?

just a thought I suppose...

So I started this blog post earlier today and then had to hem some pants for the Boychild... which I never did get to finish hemming... and then when we got home I started sewing on some of his badges... and now I don't quite remember the tangent I had rolling around my head ... but whatever it was has disappeared again...

Sometimes it's frustrating when life interrupts my tangents... other times it's a fantastic distraction for my brain...

So here I sit wondering what the heck I'm going to finish up this blog with that might be a bit more provoking then ... oh hey they can't fix the PS3 but hey at least we still have our Wii, N64, GameCube, Xbox and so forth... lol

And yet what is something I put on my xmas list... ?  DSi XL

oh yeah... I've explained the ridiculousness of christmas lists in the past when it comes to my family... So this year when Mum asked for my christmas list I put the most ridiculous list together for myself and the Man....

Things like... a car that's drivable, a house, DSi XL, new TV, world peace, cheese (any kind except Swiss - the Man doesn't like it), new computers, new wardrobe... etc.

I think she's getting the hint that I don't like making christmas lists...

You'd think that those who are friends and family and know you should know what you'd like... and really it is supposed to be about the thought right?

and now I'm tired and going to bed... the Simpsons just came on and the remote is across the room and I can feel my energy and IQ being sapped...

I 'heart' Geek Boys.

I find that I'm learning more now out of curiosity then I ever learned at school.

It makes me stop and wonder why we have schools now sometimes but not enough to pull the kids out of school... because frankly I'm selfish like that. I like my day times being kid free.

However, seriously, I do more looking up of stuff on my computer then most would think. Just because someone mentioned 'The Manhattan Project' on television, to which I went hmm I think that dealt with Nuclear bomb research. But since I didn't really know very well I shrugged and looked it up. I find myself doing that more and more. Which may also be why it is that when people treat me like I don't know what I'm talking about it bothers me.

hmm... more later.

I know you can't tell but it is actually later now... a few hours later.

I'm sitting in a dark living room in pain and I just finished sharing a video online with some people and told them that this video sums up why it is that I have a thing for geeks.




Women want men who will love them, like Wil loves Anne. What they don't realize is that geeks will do that. The men that fall into the geek category are generally the sweetest most caring and loving men. They also have a fierce loyalty in them as well.

So smarten up ladies and go get yourself a geek.

The Perfect Man

Friend of mine stopped by to pick up her order today... while she was here she was telling me about how she was going to the gun range tonight. She explained that she had been feeling a bit on edge and needed to blow off some steam. She's returned and said that she thinks she's just found her new outlet for her anxiety...
I so badly wanted to tell her to take me with her.

I have this really strange relationship when it comes to firearms. (I say it like that so I won't get spanked about not knowing the difference between a rifle/handgun/pistol/wtfe)
I really don't like the idea of them, I don't find them a necessity of life like others (mainly Americans) do, and I really don't like the idea of them in the house.
And yet...
I really like firing them. I like it so much that it sort of scares me.
The Man took the two boys out while they were away this summer and was showing them how to fire a .22 that his step father has. They seemed to like it but didn't come home asking for one. (Thankfully)
I think I was about the Manchilds age when I first fired one, it to was a .22, when my mum and I were on vacation with family friends. She nearly had a shit fit when she found out. I was a pretty good shot too considering I had no idea what I was doing. I don't know how I'd do now though.
Really wouldn't mind finding out either. However, because of how much I liked it, I was thinking it best if I don't.
I doubt that I'll ever actually own a firearm, but would be nice to go to the range once in awhile.
*shrugs*

"The government needs to stay out of my bedroom and other peoples pants!"

The above quote is mine after reading about the whole circumcision thing going on in San Fran... and a nod to same sex marriages...

I am an odd person in so many ways and for the most part I embrace my oddities happily. It sets me apart from other people. It attracts others to me, I guess so they can scope me out and see why it is I'm different.

Like how cats slink up to babies to try to figure out what that smell is and why is it making all that noise.

I use that comparison for a good reason because generally most cats don't like most babies and after checking them out will generally leave them alone. Most people will act like the cat and I the baby I suppose.

After checking me out they'll generally stay at a distance. *laughs*

One such oddity that struck me as odd was I ran into a guy I was friends with when I worked at the call centre and as we're standing there catching up for a few moments in the dairy aisle with his gf standing off to the side the thought that seemed quite strange to me that popped up a couple of times was 'it's really too bad I didn't sleep with him'

I mean... really?? come on!

That's not the sort of thing you're supposed to be standing there thinking when talking to someone. Or... maybe that happens to more people then come out and admit to stuff like that.

There's so much stuff that bobs around in my head that if I was to say it people would probably think me a bigger perv then they already do.

That's not exactly something I want out there.

As I said in my other post about the silent time I did... I have those filters that everyone has the ones that tell you what you can and can't say in public or to peoples faces. They were in high gear during that 24 hr period of silence, as it constantly reminded me that I couldn't say anything.

So since I wasn't saying anything out loud it made me realize how much I do tend to say... and how odd some of the stuff that goes through my mind is. And just how sexually based I am. I'm not ashamed of that, I just found it odd.

I'm so sexually based in my life that if I have a dream at night that doesn't involve sex, I find that really strange and take notice of them to see what it is they might be trying to tell me.

I had an odd dream last night there was sex involved in, but the fact that it involved Squasha that really caught me off guard. Probably because there was some woman in my dream that I have no idea who she was who was talking to me about him and he was in some sort of rowing marathon and omg yeah it was really strange.

I can't even remember the rest of it but holy hell it was a crazy dream.

I went to bed in such pain last night. I really do hate doctors, not them as people. It's just it seems whenever I have pain from one thing or another they put me into even more pain trying to figure out what's wrong with me. It's not fun.

On the same note I have a dentist appointment next week. OMG... not looking forward to that... but I'm sick of my tooth  hurting every time I eat something sweet. So after having a dream about me pulling out something lodged in my gums and revealing a huge hole that you could see the roots of my teeth and through to the inside of my mouth... oh yeah that was a nightmare... yeah so after that I woke up looked at the Man and grumbled to him to make me a dentist appointment.

Oh and a third on that same note... had the optical place give us a call and tell me it was time for us to come in and have our eyes checked because it's apparently been 2 years since we were there for our glasses.

While I'm at it I should just find out when my last physical was. oy vey I tell ya.

So last night I made a trek up to Hamilton with someone I barely know, to a Pub I've never been to,  to be with a bunch of people I don't know, to hear an author I hadn't heard of before...

right...

Why, you ask? Because I've been invited several times to go to the Hammertown pagan pub moot and I never get a chance to. So when I got this months invite I posted on their page that if someone was heading up from this part of the Region then I would love to go. Again you ask... why? Because I saw the name of the book that was being flogged at the moot and was drawn to it. I want this book really bad. I've thrown it up onto my wish list on amazon because unfortunately as I said in my last post from earlier I didn't get a chance to buy it last night due to lack of funds because of finding the best fucking deep fried dill pickles I've ever had.

And seriously I've looked everywhere I go for deep fried pickles.

I feel strangely connected to this author and it's quite odd. As soon as I figure out what the draw to the author is I'll let you know... it would be nice to know.
And I'm sure Big Daddy will be glad to know that it's not that I wish to "collect" him.

Love ya Big Daddy :P

Don't worry. I do not collect people. I do not have a roster. I barely have five friends.

Not sure how that's a collection. *winks* love you Big Daddy.

I keep getting distracted from this post for some reason... either I'm typing along and then suddenly I'll just flip to one of my other tabs and fiddle around with myb or fb or twitter or other blogs... it's not even like I'm looking for inspiration to write something... it's not necessary especially since those who get this delivered to their inboxes are going to quirk an eyebrow at getting a second post from me in one day...

I'm trying to sort through the other stuff in my head, now that I've taken an ibuprofen and it hurts less, to figure out what exactly it is I wanted to say and how I want to say it...

Christmas is coming. I'm truly hoping that I don't get stressed out about making sure I have the right gifts for the kids and the Men. One of the traditions in our house is that everyone has to make at least one present for the others in the family. That gift is given to each other on Yule when we do our ritual to welcome back the birth of the sun... yes Sun not Son.
I've asked for my mother's help this year. I've asked that she take each one of the kids out to the craft store so that they can pick out the project they'd like to do for the other. She's agreed, so I'm really glad about that.

I have morbid thoughts. I believe we've covered that numerous times already. However, I'm saying it again for good measure and because I'm about to give another example of how/why that is true.

I have memorized birthmarks on the kids and the Man, should I ever have to identify their bodies. Every time the kids leave my sight to go somewhere I try to memorize what they were wearing in case I have to give their descriptions to the police. Along with that, when walking down the street I try to remember details about people again, in case I have to give a description to the police.

yeah... just another reason I'm odd....

I'm putting together a womens overnight for people who barely know me, and probably couldn't care less if I am there.

I chatted with Nark about this today and tried to figure out why it is that I've decided to put this together for them. I'm still not sure, because I know the reason he came up with can't be accurate... he said something about me being kind and generous or a nice person or some such like that.
I dunno I just feel like these people that I'm doing it for aren't real friends... I hear myself refer to them as 'a friend' in conversation with others but really in my mind I can't help but think if I needed to cry about something and get some emotional comforting they just wouldn't be there.

Yet I feel like I could with one of my ex's... if that doesn't sound just slightly fucked up.

I couldn't pick up my phone and call them when I was going through something emotional two and a half months ago, but ended up talking it over with my ex in the wee hours of the morning.

I dunno... if I figure out why I'm doing this I'm sure I'll let you know about it.

Oh and I just can't hold it in anymore... Anna why are you still coming here? o.O I would actually prefer you to not come here. I can just imagine the conversations you're having behind my back now.

Loneliness and Revelation: A Study Of The Sacred

Loneliness isn't something I want to conquer or vanquish... it's more something I'd like to understand and get to know better. Not saying that I want loneliness in my life so that I can understand it. Rather I'd like to better understand it without having to deal with it. That's a pipe dream for me.

Loneliness and Depression sort of walk hand in hand. When you're depressed you feel like no other human being in the world could possibly understand how you feel and everything they say to try to 'cheer you up' comes across sounding harsh, too cheery, non-understanding, and many other things that they really don't mean. It seems like you'll never be able to wake up happy again, of course depending on the level of depression at the time.

Depression comes from Loneliness and Loneliness comes from Depression... the two can really get people caught up in a vicious cycle that could be quite detrimental to ones life.

A lot of times for myself personally it's a case that I get to feeling depressed and that leaves me feeling quite lonely.

I went to a Pub Moot last night and I'm sure that it was because of the author that was there and his book as to why it's even going through my mind today... though I felt a strange connection to this guys book before I ever met him. The title of it is Loneliness and Revelation: A study of the sacred (by Brendan Myers) and that caught my attention right off the bat.

I think part of the reason I wanted to get into the different psychology courses and became a counsellor/therapist is because I wanted to better understand the human condition and find ways that I could help people cope with things that brought them to the state of depression/loneliness two of the major components that I've found that lead to drugs use/alcoholism.

Watching shows like Hoarders/Intervention you pick up that generally the underlying factor for the problem that they're dealing with tends to be either depression or loneliness and that one or the other was a catalyst for the other one and that it was a spiral.

A lot of people don't want to admit when they're depressed or lonely. Why? Well because they think it makes them look weak, and too many people do look at depression or loneliness as a weakness.

I admit that I get both. I get so lonely and so depressed at times that I want to lock myself away from people. In the back of my mind when I'm feeling that way I generally have my own voice in my head that tells me that what I'm doing is wrong and that I need to just get over it and buck up. I generally can talk myself out of a funk, however I need that few days or so to do that. I don't need or actually like when, people telling me to cheer up, telling me that everything will be ok, or that there is a silver lining. I actually don't want anyone to say anything, I just want to work it out myself.

I tried medications and they're not for me. I didn't like the way they made me feel physically and truthfully I just felt foggy in my brain. So now I just work it out myself through other means. I understand that's not for everyone and I'm not going to knock those who take medications. I will knock those who turn to destructive behaviours, because I have been there as well and they're not as helpful as they may seem.

There have been plenty of times that I've become friends with others just to find out that they suffer from depression and/or loneliness, after a little while of working on it with me they tend to wander off and I find myself wondering why it was they came into my life.

hrm... I got dizzy and lost my train of thought so I guess I'll have to continue this thought later...

Tell me, Mr. Anderson... what good is a phone call... if you're unable to speak?

So...

I took part in a vow of silence for 24 hrs it was to raise awareness for children of the world in impoverished conditions... interesting idea. Take a vow of silence so that you can raise awareness to those who can't speak for themselves.

But really when it came right down to it I wanted to do it for more then just showing solidarity with Krammit's oldest who also partook, it was also a 'let's see if I can do this' sort of thing as well.

In 24 hrs from noon on Friday until noon on Saturday (today) I was to spend the time without talking. Now let's put this into perspective... if had of happened during the week that would have been easy peasy ... but being on a Friday to a Saturday... that was tough.

I warned the kids that I would be doing this... and I even told my Mum and my sister. They of course laughed and said I wouldn't be able to do it.

Friday was a half day at school for the kids so that meant that they were home just after noon. The Manchild was brought here early by my Mum, who had forgotten about the silence I was doing. It was interesting trying to pass a note to her to tell her what we were doing and why, especially since she didn't have her glasses with her.
Then she dropped us off at the Service Canada Centre where I was taking the Manchild to get his SIN number, we all went so that the Man could do the talking for me. The lady that was filling out the information for us on her computer seemed strangely impressed at the fact that I was partaking in a vow of silence. The Man told her about it so that he could go ahead and answer the questions she needed to ask me to fill out the form. Then we went to lunch at the nearby diner where again I was writing down on a piece of paper what I wanted so that the Man could order it for me.
Have you ever tried to reprimand your children via a pad and pen? Not exactly easy as I tried to do that when we were finishing our lunch and the Man walked over to the bank.
Got home that evening and we decided to cash in on my not being able to talk... did we watch tv? or a movie? something where everyone needed to be quiet? Nope... we decided to play Charades.
Oy vey I tell ya.

I will admit though when at home when I was on the computer I had a notepad open with the font to really big so that I could tap on my desk to get whomevers attention and they could read it off the screen. Thank the Gods for the 22" screen.

I do confess that out of the 24 hrs I only messed up twice and said something. I said the Boychilds' name to get his attention mostly out of habit and without realizing until seeing all the surprised faces. Then the second time I was sitting next to the Man while watching Criminal Minds, and it was coming up to a line in the show that I had seen in a few previews and I had wanted him to hear it, but didn't have time to write it down and didn't even think to hit him on the arm and point at the tv. However, again before I realized I was doing it I was like 'oh hey watch this' to which I turned and looked at him and he was looking at me with my eyebrows raised. I was like... oops.

Most people that know me, know that one thing I can do is get on a good tangent or rant so I think two mistakes out of 24 hrs of constant commentary running through my mind followed by a 'you can't say that', especially a quip or two after something was said, wasn't too shabby in the least.

The time I spent being silent also made me realize that people spend a lot of time talking. I know that might sound weird but really, they do. Whether their just uncomfortable with silence or insecure or what not... People talk, a lot.

I made a quip on my Twitter I believe it was that I was almost at the end of my 24 hours and I think that my first words when done were going to be 'Could you please shut up!'

It gave me a bit of insight as I just sort of sat and watched. Like, even though the woman was asking the Man the questions about me, as soon as she found out that I wouldn't say anything to her, it was like I wasn't there anymore.

Is that what happens? The quiet people don't really get acknowledged?

There's two people that I care for very much in my life that when talking to them or with them I end up making a comment akin to 'Why so quiet?' I don't think I'll ask them that anymore.

What was slightly helpful is I woke up on Friday with a sore throat, not sure why, but it was really sore, so the two times that I did say something I regretted it because it hurt. I still have a sore throat now, and it's accompanied with a sinus headache but I've been talking the latter half of today quietly probably because my head hurts so bad.

I enjoyed my 24 hrs of silence. It gave me a chance to check to see if the stuff that comes out of my mouth on a regular basis is really worth the energy spent on saying it.

Is the world a better place because I make a sarcastic comment? is it a brighter place because I lol'd? does anyone really care when I say something about liking something?

I've come to the conclusion that... no... not really at all.

Onto a completely different topic now.

The Boychild hates it when we go through his toys and tell him it's time to get rid of some. He doesn't want to get rid of them, he loves them they are his and so therefore he doesn't want to get rid of them.

I understand this completely. We don't have much but what we do have we like and want to keep.

However, his ideas are very close to being hoarder-ish.

it dawned on me while I was sitting here a few moments ago that I blame this on Toy Story...

yes... I said that

I blame Walt Disney and Pixar and the movie Toy Story (1, 2 & 3) for giving my child a hoarder mentality.

Ok not completely but it makes sense.

Millions of children watch the Toy Story movies and suddenly don't want to get rid of their toys when they need/have to because they think their toys have feelings and that those feelings will be hurt if he throws them away or donates them to charity.

Makes sense doesn't it?

What's the one thing Woody and the gang are always so worried about throughout those movies, beneath all those adventures and wacky stuff they get into in the movies the one main thing it always comes back to is that they're worried about not being played with again, not seeing their owner ever again, being put away in the attic... see the theme.

Toy Story is feeding into the hoarder mindset.


Crazy isn't it?

I Love That Warm Creamy Stuff On My Face...

I've come to the conclusion that I'm old.

It is official... no I didn't have another birthday go by... or find any grey hair... which since I'm not quite sure what my natural hair colour is anymore so I'm hoping the grey's will be just as confused...

I've come to the conclusion that I'm old because I now have a night time before bed routine... yes it's a facial treatment... with scrubs, and toner pads, and treatments and moisturizing... *hangs head*

I mean my face has been looking and feeling great... don't get me wrong... it's just... I used to make fun of my Mum for doing all those things and smelling weird before going to bed...

and then I got to thinking...

if I go through all that to get my face all clean and lovely and moisturized before bed and then have sex... should I re-wash my face afterward? or should it still be ok?

they don't tell you those kinds of things when you buy these things...

On another note... yet still under the category of Health & Beauty

The Man let me paint his nails... I was supposed to do his toenails this evening but I figured I'd let him off the hook... *giggles* maybe tomorrow...
I was bored while we were sitting there watching TV the other night and said 'Can I paint your nails?' he just sorta shrugged and said 'Ok'

He did say I wasn't allowed to paint them the Cotton Candy Pink though... had to do the manly colour of Blackest Black... I giggled with the Boychild today that we'd do the pink on his toenails tonight...

What was great about the whole thing was that we had forgotten until later last night before bed that we had to go in for a parent teacher interview today. I couldn't help but snicker a little.

So in we went, him with his black nails and me with my Sapphire Blue nails... his teacher (a man btw) didn't even bat an eye... the ladies downstairs at the used book and movie sale though couldn't help but quirk their brows at him... and to add to my amusement, I signed him up to be on the parent council...

Also under Health & Beauty...

I've not been able to breathe very well lately, chest has been hurting real bad and been having a few dizzy spells that I can't really figure out why.

If we want to fully experience love and belonging, we must believe that we are worthy of love and belonging.

(CNN) -- The quest for perfection is exhausting and unrelenting, but as hard as we try, we can't turn off the tapes that fill our heads with messages like "Never good enough" and "What will people think?"

Why, when we know that there's no such thing as perfect, do most of us spend an incredible amount of time and energy trying to be everything to everyone? Is it that we really admire perfection? No -- the truth is that we are actually drawn to people who are real and down-to-earth. We love authenticity and we know that life is messy and imperfect.

We get sucked into perfection for one very simple reason: We believe perfection will protect us. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame.

We all need to feel worthy of love and belonging, and our worthiness is on the line when we feel like we are never ___ enough (you can fill in the blank: thin, beautiful, smart, extraordinary, talented, popular, promoted, admired, accomplished).

Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be our best. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth; it's a shield. Perfectionism is a 20-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it's the thing that's really preventing us from being seen and taking flight.

Living in a society that floods us with unattainable expectations around every topic imaginable, from how much we should weigh to how many times a week we should be having sex, putting down the perfection shield is scary. Finding the courage, compassion and connection to move from "What will people think?" to "I am enough," is not easy. But however afraid we are of change, the question that we must ultimately answer is this:

What's the greater risk? Letting go of what people think -- or letting go of how I feel, what I believe, and who I am?

So, how do we cultivate the courage, compassion, and connection that we need to embrace our imperfections and to recognize that we are enough -- that we are worthy of love, belonging, and joy? Why we're all so afraid to let our true selves be seen and known. Why are we so paralyzed by what other people think? After studying vulnerability, shame, and authenticity for the past decade, here's what I've learned.

A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all people. We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong. When those needs are not met, we don't function as we were meant to. We break. We fall apart. We numb. We ache. We hurt others. We get sick.

There are certainly other causes of illness, numbing, and hurt, but the absence of love and belonging will always lead to suffering.

As I conducted my research interviews, I realized that only one thing separated the men and women who felt a deep sense of love and belonging from the people who seem to be struggling for it. That one thing is the belief in their worthiness. It's as simple and complicated as this:

If we want to fully experience love and belonging, we must believe that we are worthy of love and belonging.

The greatest challenge for most of us is believing that we are worthy now, right this minute. Worthiness doesn't have prerequisites.

So many of us have created a long list of worthiness prerequisites:

• I'll be worthy when I lose 20 pounds

• I'll be worthy if I can get pregnant

• I'll be worthy if I get/stay sober

• I'll be worthy if everyone thinks I'm a good parent

• I'll be worthy if I can hold my marriage together

• I'll be worthy when I make partner

• I'll be worthy when my parents finally approve

• I'll be worthy when I can do it all and look like I'm not even trying

Here's what is truly at the heart of whole-heartedness: Worthy now. Not if. Not when. We are worthy of love and belonging now. Right this minute. As is.

Letting go of our prerequisites for worthiness means making the long walk from "What will people think?" to "I am enough." But, like all great journeys, this walk starts with one step, and the first step in the Wholehearted journey is practicing courage.

The root of the word courage is cor -- the Latin word for heart. In one of its earliest forms, the word courage had a very different definition than it does today. Courage originally meant to speak one's mind by telling all one's heart.

Over time, this definition has changed, and, today, courage is more synonymous with being heroic. Heroics are important and we certainly need heroes, but I think we've lost touch with the idea that speaking honestly and openly about who we are, about what we're feeling, and about our experiences (good and bad) is the definition of courage.

Heroics are often about putting our life on the line. Courage is about putting our vulnerability on the line. If we want to live and love with our whole hearts and engage in the world from a place of worthiness, our first step is practicing the courage it takes to own our stories and tell the truth about who we are. It doesn't get braver than that.

Editor's note: Brené Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work. She has spent 10 years studying vulnerability, shame, authenticity and courage. She is the author of "The Gifts of Imperfection" (Hazelden) and has a blog on courage.