"I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other."
So those who know me know that I love my breasts...
Since I started getting them I've been kind of partial to them... lol
Anyway... While I was in Reno I saw one of the girls from derby post about Project B...
A photographer who is raising awareness for breast cancer through photography.
~Five years ago, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. Due to this, she had to undergo a mastectomy and luckily, was able to fight off the disease and I am thrilled to say that she is still alive today. But this disease is rampant and many many many women are not as fortunate. I had a dream back then to try to do something about it. To attempt to do my part. To do something in honour of
my mother, and for women everywhere.
I decided that I would use my photography, and begin a project of art, full of love, and beauty. A project to show the purity and image of normal women from all walks of life, baring themselves in protest to this disease, with courage and humility. A piece of timeless art with an elegance in the face of cancer. I encourage you to like this page, and join us in this process as we grow this project huge!~
So a couple of the girls from the league have decided to help out with the project and I've decided to do it too.
I'll be meeting with the photographer on Friday to discuss the project, my photo shoot and look over the paperwork.
I'm actually kind of excited about it...
One of the derby girls has just survived breast cancer and been given the clear to skate again...I've had many people close to me effected by cancer...family...friends...teachers...
I've raised money by doing the walks...I wanted to do something different this time.
With hurricane Sandy on her way to come and blow us around... she's the last thing I need right about now...
blah and apparently I'm not going to get this written until the dog gets taken outside...here's to hoping we don't get blown away...
alright so now that the dog has gone out and we didn't blow away I can finish this...or start it even...
besides myself I have two other friends that are in the path of this hurricane... DrunkenMonkey and Roo... as well as Burton and the Nerd headed out this morning and are driving to Salem Mass... bit worried about all of them and hope that they all fair well through this...thankfully two have checked in to say they're doing alright...though Sandy hasn't quite made landfall yet...
gotta love hurricane season... have had more rain in the last few days then I've seen in the last few months...
so on top of weather watching...and while I still have power...figured I'd give an update on last week...it went by quickly and was a bit hectic...
Last Sunday (the 21st) was Darrel's 'Celebration of Life'...I found out about his passing while I was in Reno and after grieving our loss I had gotten worried that I would miss any funeral/memorial arrangements that would be made... Bing was really sweet about the whole thing and even asked me if I wanted to fly back sooner so that I didn't miss it...if it occurred while I was still there...as much as I loved Darrel and will miss him...I didn't want to give up my time with Bing...thankfully it happened after I got home... it was tough...I felt most for Konga going through the day and gave him lots of hugs...realizing then that I don't get to see him nearly enough and should find a way to rectify that...so that one day I'm not at his service saying how much I wished I could have spent more time with him...I already do that too much with someone else...and now Darrel as well...
I was really tired at the memorial because really early that morning I had taken my sister and 3 of her co-workers to the airport over in Buffalo...I realized halfway back to the border that, that was the first time I had been driving over there by myself...I mean while in Georgia I had gone out for drives (in our awesome rental) but the Man was still in the area...and even when I took Bing's car out by myself I was never really that far away from the house...I dunno all my life going into Buffalo I was usually with someone else...it's weird that it had enough significance to me that it came to mind...
My sister jokingly said when I dropped them off 'Now...turn around and go back over the bridge and go home...' like I was thick in the head or something...I quirked a brow and looked at her...she just smiled and said 'no driving the van to Nevada...' I just smirked and shrugged 'not enough gas or gas money for that...' and told her to have a good trip...
After the memorial I came home and got changed because Burton and I were headed up to Hamilton to go to the pagan pub moot...the Dragon Ritual Drummers were playing...and frankly that made me very happy...because I need to dance out some frustrations...and need to grieve...and was able to do just that...thankfully I have long hair so when a few tears sprang to life while dancing about my hair became a curtain...
had sent Bing a message at the end of that night asking if we could talk on Wednesday because I knew what kind of week I'd be having... especially Wednesday...
Monday I had to drive down to Fort Erie for a doctors appointment to talk to him about my ankle. Not exactly the appointment I was hoping for... he started making a no noise at me when I told him what I wanted and he checked to see how long I'd been off my skates...I was like 'dude...don't make that noise at me..' so he told me that with an injury such as the one I got and the fix I got for it he would be suggesting a mandatory year off of my skates...I wanted to cry...he shook his head...and talked him into giving me a note for 'not full contact' ... he suggested that I go back and talk to the otho...because 'it's his nuts and bolts in your leg...' but the ortho pretty much signed me over to my GP... I've had others telling me I should go see a sports doc specialist...
But he gave me the note saying I could go back for training purposes...so I was a bit happy about that.
Tuesday night I found myself making my way back over to Buffalo airport again...and by Tuesday night I mean Wednesday morning...
Wednesday I went to the gyno doc to get my test results back and find out what all the extra bleeding was...apparently nothing...came back everything was negative and normal and the ultrasound showed no issues inside and no one living in there... huge relief that there's no issues...and I'm sure it was a huge relief to Bing that there were no occupants...I had a pang but it went away...
It was that day that I realized just once and for all that (or so I thought) that yep it was final I wouldn't see Bing again.
The girls had me go with them over to North Tonawanda to the skating rink...I was really nervous but I laced up my skates and put on my knee pads and wrist guards...just in case...I lasted about an hour on my skates...taking it easy...I stopped when I realized that I was starting to limp on my skates and when just pushing off for a glide was causing me to wince a bit...so I sat and listened to the music and watched the others.
I realized the other day that speed has a very euphoric effect on me...could be driving fast which I do love...or skating...although it's almost like flying when skating...it's hard to describe the sensation but it is addictive...and for a split second when I first started skating again I couldn't help but think that at that moment skating was better then sex...
So then I came home to find out that no talking to Bing...but he had suggested Friday instead...I was a bit put out because I had really wanted to talk to him...especially about my doctor's appointments since he had said he was so concerned about my health...
Thursday I went to Krammit's doctors appointment with her...she went to see Dr Awesome...it was a good visit...he's told her she needs to go on a similar diet to mine...she came back to the house and visited with us for a few...I was really tired and bummed from the night before so I wasn't the greatest company...
After she left I headed over to the shop to see Lock and talk to her about my training and the note I got from the doctor to see what could be done with me... she said that it was alright with her if I came out to practice and just did some straight skating for however long I could take it...just have to give my note to the HR girl...
So went to practice that evening and talked to the HR girl and it seems as soon as I send her my note I'm a go to come back. I'm only worried because the hall we're practicing at has slippery floors...all the girls have commented on it...so I'll just have to take my time.
Friday...hmm...oh right...Friday I contacted Bing to talk to him...couldn't do any face time with him because he was doing OT at work (he said maybe Saturday...that didn't happen...)...got him all caught up it seems on the majority of stuff...he seemed in good spirits which made me happy...he was glad that health-wise I'm doing well...he apparently was sorry that I'm not exactly doing 'okay' otherwise...
I mean I don't understand why...why am I not doing okay yet...?
I don't... still trying to get over the fact that he loves me....he misses me...he still 'wants' me...he worries about me... and yet... for the most part... won't talk to me...
I'd love to have a huge ego and think OMG he misses me so much that it'll cause him emotional pain to hear my voice... yeah I'm not that dumb or deluded...
I admitted something pretty big on Friday...and he just told me to stop being ridiculous... *shrugs* I wasn't trying to be ridiculous...I was just trying to be honest...
Friday there was a couple more aha moments of yeah I won't see Bing again while we were chatting...there was a couple of times that I typed in 'next time' only to catch it and backspace quickly before I sent that to him...it really doesn't feel like it...you know...it doesn't feel like that was the last time...but I can't start to have hope for seeing him again...hope is evil.
Friday was also the first time I had been intimate with the Man since I got home...mainly due to the bleeding issue...or at least so I thought... it was nice to feel close to him like that... I generally take a little bit to get back into the swing of things here with us...it's nothing out of the ordinary...I've made comments in the past about being a skittish horse at times... (tongue in cheek since my Chinese zodiac I'm an earth horse)
Saturday...got all dressed up and went down to one of the derby girls' house for the most awesome hallowe'en party of them all...she and her hubs put on a very good time... pics surfacing on FB all over the place...
This would have to be my favourite pic...but mainly because of Anonymous just lounging back on the couch taking it all in...just proves that Anon is always watching...just this time he's watching The PenalizeHer and myself look like Tards....lol
It was a really great party and The Man and I had a great time...it was nice to hang out with Derby people away from derby...and nice to see the Nerd since I haven't seen him in awhile...
He was telling me about his upcoming adventures...I told him I was going to sneak into his luggage when he heads to Vegas again...so he should be prepared to pay the 'overweight' baggage fee...
The party was definitely the best distraction I could have ever asked for...and I totally didn't even get wasted...had a couple of drinks...did a shot with Leethal and with PenalizeHer..so yeah...couple drinks and a couple of shots...was feeling a bit buzzed...
Yesterday (Sunday) was just sort of recovery day...not because we were hungover...mainly just because it really doesn't feel like I've had two moments to breathe since coming home...
Last night was a late night for no other reason then just wasn't tired... (here comes the TMI portion of the post)
I was laying here in bed reading when The Man's fingers started walking and saying hello...it was nice...and everything was chugging along quite nicely and we started getting all intimate and I was having a great time with it...until suddenly...out of what seemed like the middle of nowhere...I burst out into tears and started bawling...like out and out sobbing... *sighs*
I felt like such an ass...I think at first The Man thought he had hurt me...but that wasn't it at all...
I admit to have read the Twilight series of books...and I believe it's in the second one when Edward feels that Bella would be better off and leaves her...she at first goes into a deep depression but then when she starts going back to some what normal she finds that anything she does that is reckless or life endangering she hears Edward's voice telling her not to do what ever she's doing or to stop or what not...in the movie she sort of sees him as well but I'm sure that was just for affect...
I add that admission in there because that's almost sort of what I experienced last night...
On the last night that I was in Reno Bing had made love to me and it was sweet and great and so many other descriptive words that are eluding me at the moment...and it was much different then any other sex we had had while I was there and it just held a whole lot of meaning in it for me...hopefully him as well...it seemed to...and during it he ever so softly whispered to me I Love You...the emotion in that made me shudder because it answered something for me...
So with that all being said... last night I heard that i love you all over again at the most inopportune time and I was sort of knocked sideways by that... hearing him and being with The Man.. and yeah...
I just felt like such an asshole afterward...there's so much more to it then that but that's all I'm really willing to fess up to at the moment and even said this much hesitantly...
I'm not alright yet.
I don't think I will be for awhile...we had a lot of history together...lots of ups and downs...and while still here there's lots of memories...
Another Bing song it seems...there's about 4 or 5 of them now that I hear and immediately think about him...the two biggies are One More Night and Some Nights (this one)...
Damn me for listening to lyrics...lol
So yeah...that's about where I'm at, at the moment...
Some days are easier then others...sometimes I can go hours without thinking about Bing... some times I amaze even myself with how much emotion I feel toward him... I don't think even I realized how much I was in love with him... not exactly something I can turn off but... for now I'll have to cover it up...sweep it under the proverbial rug...and trudge on...
All the power is in his hands. I suppose it always has been. *nods*
I'm not looking forward to my weigh in... I've not really exercised enough since I've been back...and due to some unforeseen issues I've not been eating quite as well as I should have been...but now that I'm back to knowing that I'm healthy and in need of a distraction...I'll be hitting the gym full force again....
So I won't be too discouraged if I gained some weight since I've been back.
I'm trying not to panic about why I had been bleeding for 12 days...
I'm trying really hard to not send messages to Bing (unless it's updating him on my health concerns at the moment)
I'm trying really hard to not lose it on people
I'm trying really hard to stay positive
I'm trying really hard to remember my vitamin D (which has been helping)
I'm trying to keep my feelings in check
Apparently something had to give...
I was just sitting here watching Rio (kids movie about a bird - figured that was safe) Manchild went off to his dad's weekend... Boychild left with The Man to go to his swimming lessons...Rio ended and I just started bawling my eyes out for no apparent reason...
It's not like it's the first time I've been home alone (avec Zuulie) since I've been back...
So I have no idea why I just suddenly started crying...not crying... sobbing...
But not that I've caught my breath for a moment...I'll talk about my doc appointment...
I went to the doctor yesterday (was still bleeding) he gave me a form for an ultrasound appointment...and after talking for a few minutes about my trip he also gave me a blood work requisition form...
Receptionist got me an appointment for this morning at 9 am...
So this morning I got up, did not go pee like I normally would then downed two bottles of water and a cup of tea in the hopes that my bladder was full enough so that the ultrasound was nice and clear...after the technician was finished I went into the restroom and nearly exploded...
Went upstairs at the medical centre to get my blood work done... found out that it was essentially only a blood test to see if I'm pregnant... well ok...told the doc about the test I had done while I was gone...and he said 'sure, of course, but if you had intercourse on Sunday and took the test on Monday, it would have been negative...' I went a bit white and nodded...
I have another appointment with him this coming Wednesday at 11 am to find out the results of the two tests...
after going for breakfast and getting some shopping done I came home to find out that it would appear (as it still stands now as well) that my body fucking hates me... bleeds for 12 days, gets me all freaked out and end up going to see a doctor about it, get tests set up and done...get home to find out I hadn't bled all morning
I was angry. It's like my body saw me doing all this and getting worked up and was giggling to see how crazy it could make me feel...then when suddenly I present it with being poked and prodded, stuck with needles and nearly make it pee my pants...it says 'oh shit. shit just got real' and stopped the bleeding...
So now even my body has something against me it seems...
Anyway... I suppose the next doctor I'll be talking about before finding out the results of those tests is my GP whom I'm going to see on Monday to ask (read that as beg him) if I'm allowed to start roller skating again... I really miss it... and watching the girls skate is a great motivator but also a bit scary... they've all gotten so good...and I feel like I'm going to be so far behind...
Keeping my fingers crossed about that appointment though... Burton is going to come with me as my supportive derby wife, friend and maybe my muscle in case the doc says no...
You know what... I think the crying helped... I feel a bit better... but still... (it came out of nowhere)
We interrupted our regularly scheduled lamenting, angsty, whining and complaining for some laughter...
At least that's what it seemed like last night while talking with the DrunkenMonkey...
Sounded like Stallone
Beetle Juice
Umm....yeah...wtf...I don't even remember
Christopher Walken
Doing Shakespeare in modern language as Walken
Attempting Shatner
and us just laughing.
I was wearing my Sock Monkey Hat of Happiness (it adds +5 happy)...
Spent an hour talking/laughing with him while he was trying out impressions of celebs...
I can definitely say that since we've reconnected in the last year/year and a half he's always been able to cheer me up no matter how down I was...
He was a great friend while I was in Reno...especially one drunken Saturday night when he called out of the blue and I started bawling my eyes out to him... Thanks Monkey :)
I'm really glad that we made the transition from 'being together' to friends years later...and thanks for thinking I'm still Awesome :P
Been a good distraction from the emotional shit I'm going through...and for the evening even made me forget my worries about the shit going on with my girlie bits...
since there's a bit of a segue there to that...
I called my gyno office this morning because I was quite concerned about the fact that I am still bleeding and through the night last night and this morning it had seem to gotten worse... I originally was going to go to the ER or walk in clinic.. but as those who know me know... I dislike doctors I don't know and don't know my background trying to 'fix' me so to speak since they know nothing about anything else going on in my life...
So I got my next week appointment changed...it's now tomorrow afternoon...
Going to have to really haul ass from Welland into St Catharines tomorrow to make it... but I really need to find out why I've been bleeding for nearly 12 days now.
Then maybe I and others can stop worrying.
There is nothing like driving down the freeway at 90 mph with all the windows open (including moon roof) weaving in and out of traffic, hair blowing in the wind, shades on, singing at the top of your lungs and shouting a big fuck you to the world to this song cranked up....
*grins*
Thanks again for letting me drive your car Bing. ;)
Yep I know what the day is... I have had one helluva fucking week I tell you what...
A week ago today I woke up and didn't leave my room until it was dinner time I was trying to keep myself composed because I was grieving pretty badly.
I didn't want to cook...didn't really want to do much of anything to tell you the truth...
So the Man and I decided to take the kids out for dinner because the Manchild was still here so that he could be here with his brother while I got picked up from the airport... at dinner we discussed the Manchild's living situation and by the end of dinner he decided that we would go to pick up the rest of his stuff rather than going to drop him off at his father's house...
That wasn't the most pleasant of situations that evening...but we did it... I was just glad to have him decide that he wanted to finally move in with us to get away from his father's whore...
So Wednesday was busy as hell as we ran to Niagara Falls to get his high school transfer papers and a couple more of his things. Running back into St Catharines to the first high school that we wanted him to go to....they were capped and wouldn't take him... so off to the second one got him all set up there but was pissed that he wasn't able to get into any French...because apparently a lot of high school's when doing cuts cut all French after grade 9...WTF?! but he could have picked up a Spanish class next term if he wanted...um bi-lingual with French in this country...not Spanish... not yet...
After that had to go talk to our case worker and tell her that living arrangements had changed and gave her all the Manchild's information.
Then we had to go run out to doctor's appointments with Dr. Awesome. Poor Manchild had to come because we were running late for our time slots. He got to see the doc though and agrees that he looks like Santa...lol
I talked to Doc Awesome about the rapid weight loss while I was in Reno...we bounced some ideas of why that happened off of each other... one of which makes sense is that the difference in elevation was a key factor as well...especially with how much the elevation changes were affecting me in other ways...
Both of us are just hoping that the weight stays off.
Thursday...came around with the Manchild going to his first day of school here in the city... the Boychild had karate and I went out to derby practice... with me walking out of it telling The Man 'I need to call the doctor tomorrow!'...
Friday tried the doctor for a couple of hours in the afternoon to no avail in regards to getting one...
That night I was feeling out of it and was really wanting to get out. So I got a ticket for the All Ontario Roller Derby Skills Competition and ended up going on Sunday with Bella and her hubby. That was some fun I needed. Watched 6 of our derby girls try there best to win. They did awesome especially for girls who've only been doing this for one season, they went against girls who have been in derby for years.
Saturday went to Pumpkinville and then down to Mum's for our belated Thanksgiving celebration...there was a house full of us...it was a nice distraction...
Unfortunately that's what life here has become at the moment... a distraction...hopefully it'll slide back into being in the forefront... but for now...life is a distraction to make me not think to hard about the shit that makes me want to cry...
Such as... distraction #560 - still bleeding... *sighs* I have a doctor's appointment which was supposed to be a follow up to the procedure that I had almost 6 weeks ago now... but it may turn into a 'Doc why am I still bleeding from a period that started on the 6th of Oct??' appointment instead... further updates will be shared... whether it's TMI or not...
Distraction #4223 Derby and getting back to hittin' bitches...actually that should be like distraction #2 but anyway... going to see the doc on Monday to find out if I can put my damn skates back on yet...I'm getting the need to scratch that itch real bad... the girls have been great about it as well... telling me they can't wait until I get back on my skates...one even told me that she can't wait until I hit her...lol that made me feel a lot better.
Added this because this is the perfect song that serves as a reminder of what my Trip to Bing's was like. I will always think of that last trip when I hear this song....the lyrics are so apropos
Here I lay in bed using the nook to make a blogpost because I left my laptop out by my computer... I'm getting a little tired of reminders of stuff that happened while I was away... I've not gotten to sleep yet because I'm listening to the wind blowing outside and thinking about how peaceful it was at Antelope Lake and how relaxing it had been
Which of course in turn makes me think of the rest of the trip... I'll likely be doing that quite a lot... as much as it will make me sad... I'll end up smiling at the good parts... like Antelope Lake, my birthday (especially the night of), San Francisco, playing pool, going for drives, eating dinner while watching FiW, conquering Japan, and last Sunday night...
I just wish I could have kept from fucking things up...
-- The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen. ~ Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
Ok so now I'm getting a little worried... Oh... this post may contain TMI... only warning...and I swear that song title you could use just about any word instead of Rain...lol
So...
Normally when I would have my period it would last 3 maybe 4 days max and that's it....it would be fairly heavy but than again with it only being 3 or 4 days that was expected...
I started spotting last Friday...Monday I would say is when it really started which was still 4 days early...ok that's not so weird...sometimes the timing is off... I was still bleeding as of last night... *blinks*
Technically a week.
I thought I was done last night when I went to bed and so went out today 'unprepared'... apparently while out with the family at Pumpkinville.... my body decided to gang up with Life and give me a big ol fuck you...
Got caught with my pants down, so to speak... got to Mum's and had a not so pleasant surprise... so apparently bleeding a bit full force again as of this afternoon...
so now I'm on day 8... twice as long as usual...
thankfully I did end up getting an appointment for my 6 week follow up with the vag doc but it's not until the 30th of Oct...
if I was hemorrhaging I'd likely go down to the ER but it's not really 'that' bad... I just really dislike going to see the doctors when I don't feel like I'm dying...
My only concern is that maybe I was dumb and had sex too soon (and maybe too much of it) after the D&C... >.>
I really hope not.
I mean I did have a bit of cramping and a little bit of spotting but that went away after a couple of days of being in Reno...
Here's to hoping that I didn't fuck up my uterus as well while I was away. *lifts tea and sighs*
You're unkind, cruel, unfair and today a fucking asshole.
Sometimes I swear Life loves fucking me over and not in that good naughty sexy times kind of way.
Sometimes I require help in getting to sleep at a decent hour because if I don't use the help I'm up all night long thinking...over analyzing everything or my imagination is running away with me...
I've been using something to go to sleep ever since I got home...well and a few times I was away... but more so since I got home...
Haven't used alcohol because well frankly I don't have any here...
Last night I knew that I needed to get to bed and I had been upset and sad because I love being blatantly ignored when there's been a 'discussion'...
popped a sleeping pill... it didn't seem to take effect... had a cup of sleepytime tea...that didn't do anything either... (that combo in the past has knocked me the fuck out)... went out for a smoke and a bowl...and that seemed to do it... I figure 'yes I'll get a lot of sleep before I have to paint on a happy face to go see my family for our belated Thanksgiving'
woke up at 6 o'clock with Life giving me another big old FUCK YOU finger...wasn't able to get back to sleep... been laying in bed tossing and turning for over 3 hours trying to get some sort of sleep back again...
this is what I get for trying to come clean to Bing...
Last message from him was at twenty to eight and yeah it was him saying "Nice to know I was the last to know..."
*facepalm*
*sighs* yeah he didn't answer anything I had to say or ask after that last night... which of course upset me...it's not like I could just follow him down the hall this time and get him to listen to me or get him to answer me...
I had a bit of a pregnancy scare while I was in Reno....although it didn't scare me as much as I thought it should... it all came down to how I was feeling and experiencing that was the main reason I went to get the test in the first place....even though it was way to early to tell because it was over a week before I was supposed to get my period...
So as I sat there looking at the stupid stick I had to pee on...everything starts swirling about in my head and I start thinking about the what if's of it all...especially the 'what if it's positive...'
It wasn't such a bad thing to me...The Man and I had discussed it prior because of me asking about using the credit card in order to get the test in the first place....he's a pretty smart guy and figured out what I wanted to use it for so then we talked about it and a couple of the what if's...
It's really all Squasha's fault in the first place for even getting the idea in my head...I'm just going to throw that out there...ya jerk...
Anyway... I had sort of decided that if it was positive that I wouldn't tell Bing about it because I didn't want to add that to all the other shit going on in his life. New girlfriend and he already feels like a horrible parent with his son, money issues and job shit. Not just that I didn't want him thinking that I had gotten pregnant to try to keep him in my life or to trap him in some way. Just not my style. If anything I had the stupid romantic girly notion that I've really only admitted to two others that... it would be like having a small part of him in my life that I could love forever. (yeah I know sounds fucked up)
Peed on the stick and it came back negative...I was really really sad.
Anyway... Bing found the pregnancy test in the garbage and asked if I was going to tell him about it at all, just before we left for the airport. I said no. Don't think he liked that too much.
So last night I was trying to tell him how it sort of fucked me up and made me sad when I suppose I should have been really happy that I wasn't.
When I spoke to The Man about it when I got home I told him that I wasn't sad because I wanted a baby because that can be easily fixed by the two of us having another now that we know I can has babies again...it was the fact that I wanted Bing's and that's what sort of freaked me out even more.
*shrugs* I love Bing and always will and stand by the opinion of we're awesome together. Just wish he would have seen that...but anyway...
So Life decided this morning I need a big fuck you wake up call so instead of laying in bed for 3 hrs last night lamenting over the decision to try to talk to Bing about it...I needed apparently to lay there and contemplate all this shit this morning instead...
Meanwhile Bing didn't really get upset he just put his phone down because the gf came over and didn't see any of my messages and I was sad for no reason.... likely how it actually happened.
I guess I just really wanted to hear the words "But I don't want this to be goodbye." instead of "well this is probably the healthiest solution"
The heart wants what it wants....and unfortunately since I've met him...mine has wanted Bing.
I want to feel his hugs more and again...
and I want to get into really graphic details about what else I want and think about all the time but I don't think that's going to really help the situation any over here.
When I started an argument with him on the 21st I had toddled my ass down the hall and stated "You do realize that you are never going to see me again after this trip, don't you?"
apparently he hadn't realized that when I had told him that I was there to say goodbye to him...and I suppose it hasn't exactly been how I had thought it was going to be where I get on the plane and Reno and just never talk to him again...talked to him while stuck in Vegas and have sent a few messages back and forth since I got home as well... but the point is...I suppose eventually I'll just get sick of not hearing back from him and stop sending any sort of messages...
he had said that he would be alright with me still coming to visit as a friend of a less...intimate nature...
I don't think that will ever be possible for me...especially if he has someone living with him... there's this strange attraction I have to him this really weird connection that when he's around I 'have' to be near him... standing next to him...holding his hand...or other more 'intimate' things...I would spend the entire time visiting (if I was to go back) wanting him so much it would drive me nuts... I don't think he understood that...
as it is the thought of him kissing or doing anything with May just makes me jealous...she's there...close by...at work...next city over...she gets to talk to him and see him all the time... um yeah...and he wonders why I would be jealous... it's not because I think she's better then me or better looking or anything like that...it's just that she gets to be closer to him...
I'm hoping that one day maybe Bing and I could have a relationship like the DrunkenMonkey and I have... I secretly think that Bing is jealous of him, but he wouldn't admit it... the DunkenMonkey and I haven't seen each other or been in the same room for almost ten years...but we talk on skype and goof around and are able to have adult and not so adult conversations about so many different things...
I still have some love for the DrunkenMonkey, always will that's just who I am and how I am...but now we're just really good friends and I can talk to him about most anything...except politics...I think his views on politics are too weird for me...
Do I want to be able to talk to Bing about absolutely anything again...of course
He very quickly turned into my best friend I could count on him to be there for me when I needed someone to calm me down...or bring me back up again... couple of things I really do need to learn on my own... I just know that I'm not a priority to him... not sure I ever really was...but...
I've had a couple of people say to me already...well it's only been a couple of days...give it some time...
Give it some time to what exactly?
It's not going to get better. Bing isn't going to suddenly go 'oh shit wtf?! she's for me and I love her and want her in my life forever!!' I had been hoping for that...wishing that he would realize my awesomeness and realize that together we're awesome and that no matter what we could work it out because we love each other... if it hasn't happened in the four years we've been doing this back and forth thing...it's not going to happen... and I'm sure if it ever was to happen...he likely wouldn't admit it to me...
I was already floored when he had mentioned that he 'might miss you a little' which in Bing speak might as well be 'I miss you' because he just doesn't ever say shit like that... floored me a second time when he said that he did miss my snuggles and pancakes....lol
I tell ya...feed a man some good food and that's what they'll remember ;) however, was nice that he mentioned the snuggles first :D
I don't expect him to say stuff like that too often...as a matter of fact I figure he'll put the wall back up around him and not let me know anything he's feeling anymore.
He has still told me that he loves me... makes me smile a little sad smile...because I know...that'll stop eventually too... maybe not the actual loving me part, I'm sure he'll bury that and stow it as well...but the part where he tells me he loves me...
So for now I'm just biding my time until it all fades away...so I'm enjoying as much of the contact that I still have with him before it goes...
He said as he hugged me at the airport and kissed the top of my head...that contrary to what I think we'd still talk...
I had always been the one to send him texts, pm's, emails, or to call him... it's not like with having a new gf he's going to be suddenly sending me messages or calling me... so I don't really see how it is that we'll still be talking... heck I say by his thanksgiving....was going to say Christmas but *shrugs*
I'll likely send him a card or a small present at Christmas...still... because I'm like that... lol
I don't know. Maybe I am bat shit crazy... *shrugs*
As I try to deal with life and my emotions I might take to my blog quite a bit to just sort of de-stress from different things that come up...
I don't just wear my heart on my sleeve I wear it on my whole fucking shirt... I left it behind... not sure if that's the first thing I'm starting to regret only because of the uncertainty of what will happen to it... if I brought it home I probably would have just packed it away with the other stuff I've been collecting up...
Took my first shower since getting home...yep I'm gross like that...used different soap, different shampoo, even a different perfume... my dumbass put on a clean shirt out of my luggage to make it easier time wise...started to tear up while putting it on... why? because like a dork I did my laundry before I left Bing's house and now all the stuff I had with me still smells like his house...thankfully now I don't still smell like us though...
I've been driving the car since I left the airport in Buffalo (I drove home), it was a nice distraction on the way home from the airport, gave me time to just not think because of trying to navigate Buffalo to get home. Yesterday when I got in the car I shook my head and smirked at the car as I was backing out of the driveway...then muttered to myself 'right...different car'
Got into the shower and felt really cramped...lol - I guess there will be some comparing going on once again to different things... some I'll share...others I likely won't because they'll be even more personal...
Trying to decide if I want to write about the one thing that really threw me off guard and made my head spin while I was in Reno... not sure if I should talk to Bing about it first because it was something I just glazed over with him but only because I hadn't really wanted to fess up to him just how much I had been affected...
That's the problem, and the reminder on Sunday night just haunts me and makes me really confused...
I'll remember everything... most everything from the last four years...it'll confuse me, depress me, make me happy, make me sad and break my heart over and over again... but I'll remember...
the way it felt with Bing, the way I felt with him....
the heat of him behind me as we snuggled in bed, the way his arm felt wrapped around me, the way at least one of his hands would always find its way to my hip and sit there like a perfect fit, the way he would nuzzle my neck and give me kisses there when I was standing in the kitchen, the way he started to dance with me when he came home from work to find me dancing in the living room, the look on his face when he walked in to find me going to town on the punching bag, the way snuggling with him on the couch seemed to make it like everything was going to be ok, the way he would just smirk when trying not to smile at something silly I would do, the way he would always ask over and over 'are you ok?' if I was just adjusting how I was laying in bed, the way he would always say thank you and tell me my food was good even if it wasn't something he particularly liked very much, the very quietly whispered I love you's in the dark of the bedroom, the way he would reach over to hold my hand in the car while driving, the way he would kiss me on my forehead while hugging me, the grimace and frown when he would tell me that I need to stop smoking, the slap on the ass he'd give me 'just because', the way he said goodbye to me on Sunday night...
I won't focus on the negative stuff...I won't dwell on the arguing...the late night kitchen fight...I don't want to focus on that...
I want to remember all the good stuff...down to the last thing he said to me at the airport... 'alright you're batman'
My heart aches so badly...and feels so broken...it's like I now have a big gaping sucking chest wound in the middle of my chest...I can't really help that at times I just start crying at the thought that I've just lost my Big Daddy...
Yeah sure he says we'll still talk and I suppose since I've left we have... but I know that sooner or later...probably sooner rather then later even the skype messages will stop...they've already dropped...
I realized that I wasn't it any more when I noticed just how much he would talk to May (not her name but going with it anyway)... it would hurt as I would see him answer her so often... and I know that there had been days when I would wait hours for a response (the times when he wasn't at work that was)... I knew that I was no longer the important one with just a small gesture... he sleeps with his phone beside his bed (it's his alarm), when he wakes up he checks it, he would take it into the bathroom with him, it would sit within arms reach of him in the office, it would sit next to him on the couch while downstairs...this isn't just this year because of her messages, this is just how it's always seemed to be... so it would make me sad when he wouldn't respond to me... especially when I knew how close his phone always is to him... this time it made me sad that not only was it always there but it was always there and he was always sending or answering messages from May...but I still had to wait for hours if I sent him a message...
He says he'll always love me... and I told him that I would always love him...
Unfortunately I bought into the Beatles hype a long time ago... All You Need Is Love...
Apparently that's not true...apparently just because two people love each other doesn't mean it'll ever work out in their favour...*shrugs* I dunno... I had always hoped it would...and now I will always stand by my opinion of hope is one of the evils of mankind...
So every time I go to send him a message I'll need to remind myself that I'll likely never get an answer back... every time I go to email him I'll need to remember that I won't get an answer back... and every time I go to call him I'll need to remember that he may just not answer... I need to remember that I'm no longer important.
I'll always answer if he needs me... that's just how I am.
I'll never ever forget how elated I was when with him... even if we had just been fighting and weren't talking there was part of me that was still so happy to be with him that I can't even describe it...
People don't understand that... I have no way of describing it except that when with him I was happy no matter what...
Sunday Night...will always be oh so bitter sweet to me... but... I'll remember.
Just as a quick post before I truly open up a vein and bleed all over my blog about how I'm actually doing....which could take hours to get out so I'll do it after dinner...
I think I just had a huge break through while laying here in bed telling The Man some stuff and crying...
so back to the huge break through...
As a kid/teen I was a self harm-er...I still see some of the traits in stuff I do now...and have tried really hard to pinpoint them so that I can stop them or acknowledge them before I actually harm myself...
when stressed emotionally is when I find the tendencies pop up...and nowadays I don't take a knife to my skin any more but doing things like saying fuckit to the way I'm supposed to eat...or smoking waaaay more then I should...or even drinking waaay excessively...those are just some of the things I would do nowadays instead of the actual cutting...
it dawned on me as a giant light bulb popped over my head...
dealing with the physical pain of seeing an actual 'hurt' or wound is a helluva lot easier then dealing with the pain that we can't see...
yes it 'feels' like there is a gaping sucking chest wound where I've tried to extract Bing...there is no actual wound...it's like somewhere in my brain it says that in order for me to feel pain properly there must be something physical to equate it to...or attribute it too...
So now that I know this...as fact... maybe just maybe I can stay ahead of it...and not actually harm myself like I have in the past...
More to come later when I figure out how to put all I'm feeling and experiencing into words...meh.
My chest hurts...I can't catch a full breath...I have a headache and my ankle is killing me...
This hurts.
45 minutes until I get on a plane to Vegas...
then after waiting there...
get on a plane to Buffalo...
landing in Buffalo at 1am EST... so 10pm PST...
which means I likely won't get back to my house until maybe 2 or 3am...
which will be perfect...I'll hopefully be so exhausted I won't even want to talk let alone cry...
I'm really glad that I got to see Bing again... but saying goodbye was so much harder then I thought...
of course things are a lot different then they usually seem on paper...so to speak...
I want to vomit.
I just don't think it would make me feel any better.
I want to cry but seriously...not in front of these strangers...hell I get angry about crying in front of people I know....
flying home is never fun.
and I love flying...
they all probably think I'm a nervous flyer though...as I sit here taking deep breaths and slowly letting them out to keep my throat from knotting up even more...
oop...boarding will be in a few minutes....so guess I'll save this and continue it maybe in Vegas...or maybe at home...time to pull out my ipod...
I've written about it before...and I'll likely do it again...
Escapism
We all have coping mechanisms... whether it's losing ourselves in a book, TV show, movies, video games or just the internet itself...
It's ways for us to deal with our own lives and the shit that goes on them in smaller doses... or allow us to look at it from a different perspective so that we can deal...
I generally fall really hard into my preferred forms of escapism when I'm not wanting to deal with life...one of my ways to escape my life is taking trips... and then I escape while on my trips into my books, internets or something else...
this trip hasn't been any different...
I've escaped part of my life in order to deal with another part of my life...so I've been escaping into my books...well technically Bing's Nook...which of course is just making me want one even more...but anyway... I have a feeling I've read these particular books before...but there's only parts of them that have seemed familiar enough for me to think it for a moment before hitting the next part of the book and thinking...ok I don't remember that...
Considering the emotional outbursts I've had while here I've been keeping the majority of everything locked away... trying not 'dwell' (as Bing would say) but it's hard to not have a reminder every now and then that...I'll never be here again...and that makes me a little sad...I've had some real fun times here with Bing...I've had some not so good moments...but one without the other wouldn't be the same...
I really don't want to say goodbye to Bing...I really don't want to lose my Big Daddy... but...
*ahem* enough of that...
I packed up the majority of my stuff last night...still have a bit of tidying up to do and some more stuff to be packed up tomorrow after I get up and shower... so really... I'm sort of sitting here with not much to do...
so typing while thinking...and listening to The Hip...
need to drive over to Wally's World in a bit to grab something I want to make for supper...
I didn't really think that missing Thanksgiving was going to be a big deal to me... but on FB I'm seeing all the messages of what people are doing for Thanksgiving and I'm a bit bummed...
Thankfully my family decided to take pity on me and they're holding off their dinner until the Oct 13... we all sort of had other plans so it works out well... might still try to do something with the Man and the Boys...but we'll see...
blah...will post more later...talking to The Man on skype...
Had a horrible dream this morning...though I have to admit it was really nice to sleep in as late as I did...
didn't get up until nearly 10 this morning...
the dream was something you'd see in a horror film or a video game or some such... it was Zuulie-Bear and myself and we were pretty much running for our lives from these weird zombie like dogs...who had this crazy green saliva and if it contacted human skin then the human would get all crazy and zombie like... and my brave (I was going to say little, but let's face it Zuulie is a big boy) Zuulie-Bear kept attacking the dogs and killing them by breaking the backs of their necks...and I would just keep running and running....and calling for him to come with me... he'd kill a couple and then he'd run to catch up to me...and we found this old warehouse and it had a tower type structure and we ran up the stairs closing the doors behind us as we went... and near the very top there was this security guard who wasn't infected and he helped hide us out in this little tiny hall that sort of went no where... but then the dogs got in and went to attack him....and Zuulie jumped out and took down this big dog and tore his throat out...but when he did the guard got splattered by some of the green saliva and started vomiting and convulsing but I couldn't get through the big steel door...I couldn't squeeze through to get out and so I was trapped there... and Zuulie kept whining because he wasn't sure what was going on with the guard...he tried to get me out of the spot by tugging on my clothes...but then the guard got up and started to come after Zuulie with his gun...and I was screaming No and the dog was whining...and then there was a gun shot...so I thought the guard had shot Zuul but it was that another guard came and shot the guard that was infected...but then he raised his gun to Zuulie because he thought that he was infected too and I stuck my arm through the door and was frantically crying out No that Zuulie was my dog and he wasn't infected and he was trying to save me...
Finally it clicked to the guy that I was trapped so he opened the heavy door and let me out and showed Zuulie and I how to get back down to the street...at least if we were running then we weren't trapped completely...
However we made a couple of wrong turns and we ended up in a dead end with a bunch of dogs coming at us...Zuulie-Bear stood between myself and the dogs and went after as many as he could but ...I jumped in and started snapping jaws (forcing them to open wider then they're meant to and snapping them) until I looked over and saw Zuulie laying on his side, crying as three dogs attacked him...I tried to go over and save him but knew that it was useless...I threw myself down beside Zuulie and as he lay there dying from his wounds the dogs attacked me and started eating me...
I woke up quite loudly so I have to say I'm quite glad that Bing was long gone to work before that dream happened.
Yep totally remembered my measuring tape so that I could still do my weigh in while I'm here in Reno...so just spent the last few minutes in Bing's office naked and measuring all over...not nearly as sexy as it sounds...lol
The scale in the bathroom isn't obviously my wii balance board at home so not sure how accurate it is with what I have been using...
Ankles - Left 8.5 (-1) Right 8 (-0.75)
Calves - Left 15 (same) Right 15 (-0.5)
Thighs - Left 21.5 (-2) Right 22 (-1)
Wrists - Left 6.25 (+0.25) Right 6 (-0.5)
Forearms - Left 10 (same) Right 10 (same)
Biceps - Left 13 (-0.25) Right 12.5 (-1)
I have to admit I'm really happy with the results of this weigh in... I knew I had been losing weight while I've been here but I hadn't realized just how much I had lost until doing all the measuring today...
besides the overall weight I would have to say the ones that surprised me the most would be my hips, belly and waist... it really is no wonder that my pants don't fit me properly now...thank goodness I brought a belt...
now I guess I should go get something for breakfast...
It's one week... I'm not counting down happily to next Monday... but I know that it's coming and it's for the best... though it really doesn't make it any easier...
Truthfully I never would have thought that I would say bye to Bing...like ever... he's become the one person that I've been able to talk to about anything... ANY-THING...
He had become a big support in my life...holding my hand from afar when I needed someone to believe that I could do whatever it is that I needed to do...or go through...
From telling me that he believed in me when I was setting up for my first show for the business...to telling me not to let it discourage me when I didn't sell anything that day...
To telling me that 'this too shall pass' when I was so dark about breaking my ankle...letting me cry a bit on his shoulder so to speak when I get dark and down...
Talking me through my heartache when the Manchild was being a teenager and causing me to pull my hair out...
It's been four years of a very interesting, fun and really cool friendship...like all relationships there have been ups and downs...all types of relationships go through rough times and good times...
He has always been one of the first ones to tell me he's proud of me with getting healthy and losing my weight...when I hit my ideal weight finally it'll be hard to not send him a message in celebration...
It's going to take some time getting used to not sending him messages about all sorts of stuff or asking him what he thinks of stuff...
While here, I'm trying really hard to not dwell on the fact that I'm never going to see him again. I'm trying really hard to just be in the now and enjoy the few days that we have left together.
I just need to keep reminding myself of that so I don't let these few days pass me by without getting to fully enjoy them.
Especially when I'll have a 7 hour plane ride home to dwell all I want by myself.
This is my disclaimer, this is the only warning you get... You don't like what you read in my blog, I don't give a flyin' squirrel - These are my thoughts, I own them and you will not censor me! You don't like what I have to say, then by all means click the lil X in the top right corner.
