Confessions of a Mom...

Red Clover said...
Supermom wins again, able to banish bogeymen and monsters with a kiss and a hug. Able to sit cross legged on the floor for hours on end.

Time is a very deceptive thing, especially where kids are concerned. Treasure your babies while they are little. They do grow up fast. Play, love, and laugh with your sons.

And Rae.. I'm proud of you. I hope that doesn't come across wrong, and that you know what I mean. Love ya hun! >:D<

I just wanted to post that in the body of my blog cause not everyone reads the comments that are posted here and I didn't want what I'm about to write taken the wrong way...

First off thank you Red.... that's nice to hear every once in awhile...

When I got pregnant with Gambit (my 7 year old) my mother asked me to put the baby up for adoption, explaining to me that I was only 17 (18 when I had him) years old. Me being a stubborn ass and trying to prove that I was an adult wouldn't even consider this option. I wasn't going to let her bully me like she had my sister (whole nother long story). I wasn't living at home when I got pregnant and my man at the time (Robert) and I moved three times during my pregnancy, we were living at a friends house (a friend of his moms) then we moved to his mothers for a couple weeks, then to my mothers for a couple of months, then into our own apartment. When I had Gambit I was ecstatic, my very own lil baby and he was sweet and he was a good baby. When he was one I went back to highschool and got the last two credits I needed to graduate, but then I wanted to go to college. I didn't know how I was going to manage that with a small child and a lump of a man. Robert wasn't very supportive of the college idea (we were having other problems as well). I left Robert and moved to the city so I could go to college. I left Gambit in his care during the week so that I could go to school and I would get him on the weekends. Even after I got out of college I left Gambit with him. By this time I was with Shadow. I had been told by my doctor that I was having some difficulties with my pap tests (shudder...damn things) and if they continued to keep coming back with the same results he would have to do an operation which would cut away half of my cervix. He told me in short that if I wanted anymore kids I might want to do it soon just incase. At that time Shadow and I hadn't even discussed kids yet we had only been together a year. Time passed... I got pregnant with Keenan. I was really happy, I love babies, I love being pregnant. I had a great bunch of friends that were very supportive and a great help, unlike my first pregnancy. I had a great delivery and we were ecstatic when he arrived. After 18 months or so I started to get itchy feet... I told Shadow and explained that it was about that age that I left Robert with Gambit. I figured it was still just post partum depression which seems to get worse with each pregnancy for me. Now I was coming into new territory, I wasn't used to having a toddler for 24 hours a day, Robert had to do that with Gambit. Time has wore on and I was getting more and more unhappy and I haven't been exactly sure as to why. I was able to actually entertain the thought of leaving both my ids with their fathers and leaving. I have still thought about it, a lot. I've had myself convinced that because I think like that, that I am a bad mother. I've been told a number of times by a few different people that I am a bad mother. Sometimes its in passing as a bad joke, and other times they have meant it. It makes me cry to think that I could have given them a better life by not keeping them. We're constantly scrounging for money to pay this bill or that bill and are constantly on the phone with creditors. Everyone says, yeah but we're all like that. That's not what I want for my kids... I wanted better than this.
People think that my staying with my family was a good thing to do... I don't.
I've been told that I neglect my children, and you know what maybe I do sometimes. I make sure that they are fed and clothed and played with during the day, but it just feels like I'm going thru the motions because I have too. I think I'm too selfish to be a good mother. You hear people talk about the sacrifices they've made for their kids... I can't think of any that I've made.
Now I know I'm not like some women I know....girls I should say but anyway... that as soon as they have the baby they are trying to see who can take the baby and how long they can take the baby for and what not. That too me is just weird.

He knows, I know he does... Keenan looks at me and knows I'm not happy... It's sad that a little three year old looks into his mommy's eyes and gets tears in his. I take his lil face in my hands and tell him that I really do love him... he nods at me, puts his thumb in his mouth, looks as if he's about to cry and then gives me a big hug.

They really are such sweet good little boys...and I really don't deserve them and I know they sure as hell don't deserve a mother like me.

So thank you for being proud of me... cause it's nice to know that someone is.