Tell those you care about, just how much you care...

To My Love,

I will love and protect you for all time.
You are my life and my love and are the most important person in my life.
Thank you for so very much that you do.
I know that you'll always love me.

I know that no matter what gets thrown at us, we'll get through it, together.

You're my heart... and I love you.

Always.

Happy Holidays to all of those I love very much!

As Posted On Facebook...

Well I do believe it has become official I hate this time of the year...

Since I've had my kids and have wanted to give them everything they want and need at christmas - I've grown to hate the holiday.

I've really tried to instill in my kids that it's not all about presents that it's about getting together with family and having a good time, since I am not a christian I will not fill their heads with bull about it being some dead guys birthday.

No matter how much I've tried to teach them that it's about the thought of giving to others especially those who are less fortunate. They still want all the toys and gadgets and I see how sad they get when they don't get them. Not that I want to spoil them and get them all the latest games and gadgets and top brand everything. However, I would like to get them at least one of the games and such that they ask for.

Yeah this is me whining a bit mostly about how peer pressure on the kids (that they don't even realize is there) sometimes makes us as parents who can't get all the latest stuff look just a little bit smaller in the eyes of our kids.

Why do we let a holiday do that too us?

This is one of the most stressful times of year and most of the time it's us stressing ourselves out over whether or not someone will like the gift we got them, or will the christmas dinner turn out alright or will uncle bobby still be mad at aunt suzy, should we invite them to come different days or will my kids be mad because they didn't get from Santa what they asked for... because Mom and Dad Santa can't afford the gifts.

We stress ourselves out during the holidays - why do we let it happen?

I hate Christmas.



So there you have it my deep dark secret - I hate Christmas.

(I'll be back after Christmas has left - talk to you then)

Io, Saturnalia

When it comes to festivals, parties, and downright debauchery, no one beats the folks of ancient Rome. Around the time of the winter solstice each year, they celebrated the festival of Saturnalia. As the name implies, this was a holiday in honor of the agricultural god, Saturn. This week-long party typically began around December 17th, so that it would end right around the day of the solstice.

Fertility rituals were performed at the temple of Saturn, including sacrifices. In addition to the large public rites, many private citizens held ceremonies honoring Saturn in their homes.

One of the highlights of Saturnalia was the switching of traditional roles, particularly between a master and his slave. Everyone got to wear the red pileus, or freedman's hat, and slaves were free to be as impertinent as they wished to their owners. However, despite the appearance of a reversal of social order, there were actually some fairly strict boundaries. A master might serve his slaves dinner, but the slaves were the ones who prepared it -- this kept Roman society in order, but still allowed everyone to have a good time.

Businesses and court proceedings closed up for the entire celebration, and food and drink were everywhere to be had. Elaborate feasts and banquets were held, and it wasn’t unusual to exchange small gifts at these parties. A typical Saturnalia gift might be something like a writing tablet or tool, cups and spoons, clothing items, or food. Citizens decked their halls with boughs of greenery, and even hung small tin ornaments on bushes and trees. Bands of naked revelers often roamed the streets, singing and carousing - a sort of naughty precursor to today's Christmas caroling tradition.

The traditional greeting at a Saturnalia celebration is, "Io, Saturnalia!", with the "Io" being pronounced as "Yo." So next time someone wishes you a happy holiday, feel free to respond with "Io, Saturnalia!" After all, if you lived in Roman times, Saturn was the reason for the season!

History of Yule

A Festival of Light:

Many cultures have winter festivals that are in fact celebrations of light. In addition to Christmas, there's Hannukah with its brightly lit menorahs, Kwanzaa candles, and any number of other holidays. The holiday called Yule takes place on the day of the winter solstice, around December 21. On that day (or close to it), an amazing thing happens in the sky. The earth's axis tilts away from the sun in the Northern Hemisphere, and the sun reaches at its greatest distance from the equatorial plane. As a festival of the Sun, the most important part of any Yule celebration is light -- candles, bonfires, and more.

Origins of Yule:

In the Northern hemisphere, the winter solstice has been celebrated for millenia. The Norse peoples viewed it as a time for much feasting, merrymaking, and, if the Icelandic sagas are to be believed, a time of sacrifice as well. Traditional customs such as the Yule log, the decorated tree, and wassailing can all be traced back to Norse origins.

Celtic Celebrations of Winter:

The Celts of the British Isles celebrated this midwinter holiday as well. Although little is known about the specifics of what they did, many traditions persist. According to the writings of Julius Caesar, this is the time of year in which Druid priests sacrificed a white bull and gathered mistletoe in celebration.

Roman Saturnalia:

Few cultures knew how to party like the Romans. Saturnalia was a festival of general merrymaking and debauchery held around the time of the winter solstice. This week-long party was held in honor of the god Saturn, and involved sacrifices, gift-giving, special privileges for slaves, and a lot of feasting. Although this holiday was partly about giving presents, more importantly, it was to honor an agricultural god.

Welcoming the Sun Through the Ages:

Four thousand years ago, the Ancient Egyptians took the time to celebrate the daily rebirth of Horus - the god of the Sun. As their culture flourished and spread throughout Mesopotamia, other civilizations decided to get in on the sun-welcoming action. They found that things went really well... until the weather got cooler, and crops began to die. Each year, this cycle of birth, death and rebirth took place, and they began to realize that every year after a period of cold and darkness, the Sun did indeed return.

Winter festivals were also common in Greece and Rome, as well as in the British Isles. When a new religion called Christianity popped up, the new hierarchy had trouble converting the Pagans, and as such, folks didn't want to give up their old holidays. Christian churches were built on old Pagan worship sites, and Pagan symbols were incorporated into the symbolism of Christianity. Within a few centuries, the Christians had everyone worshipping a new holiday celebrated on December 25.

In some traditions of Wicca and Paganism, the Yule celebration comes from the Celtic legend of the battle between the young Oak King and the Holly King. The Oak King, representing the light of the new year, tries each year to usurp the old Holly King, who is the symbol of darkness. Re-enactment of the battle is popular in some Wiccan rituals.

Welcome Back The Sun - The ancients knew that the winter solstice was the longest night of the year -- and that meant that the sun was beginning its long journey back towards earth. It was a time of celebration, and for rejoicing in the knowledge that soon, the warm days of spring would return, and the dormant earth would come back to life.
On this one day, the sun stands still in the sky, and everyone on earth knows that change is coming.
Because this is a festival of fire and light, feel free to use lots of candles and lights, solar symbols, bright colors, or even a bonfire. Bring light back into your home and your life.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAMIE!!!

Winter Boots, Dead Doctor, Massage Oil and Snowmen

What's new you ask?

I've finished my course and am now a Sei Tai Practitioner. I even have a handful of repeat clients already. I'm thoroughly enjoying my job. Now I just need to save a whole lot of money to get a car. The van has finally died we think. She died and wouldn't start for either Raistlan or myself last Wednesday. Yes she decided to die on us on the 5th floor of a parking garage. ha ha ha... she truly is a bitch through and through... no tow truck wants to or can get into a parking structure that's only got 2m clearance.
Luckily mom came to at first get it towed to a wreckage yard but she was able to get the van to start and some how - probably through sheer luck - was able to drive it to my house.
And that's where it's sat for the last week. In my driveway.
So been calling some car places and if we can manage to save up about 570$ we can get a car that's actually got a warranty on it ;) lol

I've been painting both wood and ceramics for a couple of christmas presents - family christmas is coming soon. So I decided homemade-ish type of presents.

So for the first time in probably about 6 years maybe a little less I've finally got a real pair of winter boots. Took Keenan to go get his boots and got some for me too. Almost look like his but unfortunately they didn't have the spiderman boots in my size. So I had to get a couple sizes bigger with no cartoon super heroes. But hey... at least I finally have boots and don't need to completely wreck my running shoes. Yay Winter Boots!

Raistlan walks in from the pharmacy trip he took and says too me Dr Blank is dead. My initial reaction was "What?!?" - this is the doctor that was shooting Raistlan in the head with some sort of nerve blocking local for his migraines. Raistlan had just a couple weeks ago told the doctor that he wouldn't be coming back because the nerve blocks were only lasting a couple of days. Then bam yesterday he walks in a tells me that he was in a car accident over the weekend and died at the hospital. Crazy.

I haven't dyed my hair in ages, so I'm pretty much back to my yucky mousey brownish dirty blondish colour. Add on top of that I've literally just (as in a few moments ago) cut it as well. Told Raistlan on the phone afterwards and he was thinking that I had cut it really short. But I didn't. I had mentioned the other day that I was thinking of cutting it to just below my earlobes to him and thats what he thought I did. *shrugs* Gimme a couple of days maybe I will yet.
He told me that he'd go around telling people that I cut my hair because I was pregnant... since that does seem to be a trend with pregnant women.
Then again we have been seriously talking about that as well.

Anyway off to make dinner...
*waves*

Canada

A British newspaper salutes Canada. It is funny how it took someone in
England to put it into words...

Sunday Telegraph Article from today's UK wires:
Salute to a brave and modest nation - Kevin Myers,
The Sunday Telegraph
LONDON

Until the deaths of Canadian soldiers killed in Afghanistan, probably
almost no one outside their home country had been aware that Canadian
troops are deployed in the region. And as always, Canada will bury its
dead, just as the rest of the world, as always, will forget its
sacrifice, just as it always forgets nearly everything Canada ever
does.

It seems that Canada's historic mission is to come to the selfless aid
both of its friends and of complete strangers, and then, once the
crisis
is over, to be well and truly ignored.

Canada is the perpetual wallflower that stands on the edge of the hall,
waiting for someone to come and ask her for a dance.

A fire breaks out, she risks life and limb to rescue her fellow
dance-goers, and suffers serious injuries.
But when the hall is repaired and the dancing resumes, there is Canada,
the wallflower still, while those she once helped
glamorously cavort across the floor, blithely neglecting her yet again.

That is the price Canada pays for sharing the North American continent
with the United States, and for being a selfless friend of Britain in
two global conflicts. For much of the 20th century, Canada was torn in
two different directions... it seemed to be a part of the old world,
yet
had an address in the new one, and that divided identity ensured that
it
never fully got the gratitude it deserved. Yet its purely voluntary
contribution to the cause of freedom in two world wars was perhaps the
greatest of any democracy.

Almost 10% of Canada's entire population of seven million people served
in the armed forces during the First World War, and nearly 60,000 died.
The great Allied victories of 1918 were spearheaded by Canadian troops,
perhaps the most capable soldiers in the entire British order of
battle.
Canada was repaid for its enormous sacrifice by downright neglect, its
unique contribution to victory being absorbed into the popular memory
as
somehow or other the work of the 'British'.

The Second World War provided a re-run. The Canadian navy began the war
with a half dozen vessels, and ended up policing nearly half of the
Atlantic against U-boat attacks. More than 120 Canadian warships
participated in the Normandy landings, during which 15,000 Canadian
soldiers went ashore on D-Day alone. Canada finished the war with the
third largest navy and the fourth largest air force in the world.

The world thanked Canada with the same sublime indifference as it had
the previous time.

Canadian participation in the war was acknowledged in film only if it
was necessary to give an American actor a part in a
campaign in which the United States had clearly not participated... a
touching scrupulousness which, of course, Hollywood has since
abandoned,
as it has no notion of a separate Canadian identity.

So it is a general rule that actors and filmmakers arriving in
Hollywood
keep their nationality... unless, that is, they are Canadian. Thus Mary
Pickford, Walter Huston, Donald Sutherland, Michael J. Fox, William
Shatner, Norman Jewison, David Cronenberg, Alex Trebek, Art Linkletter
and Dan Aykroyd have, in the popular perception, become American, and
Christopher Plummer, British.

It is as if, in the very act of becoming famous a Canadian ceases to be
Canadian, unless she is Margaret Atwood, who is as unshakably Canadian
as a moose, or Celine Dion, for whom Canada has proved quite unable to
find any takers.
Moreover, Canada is every bit as querulously alert to the achievements
of its sons and daughters as the rest of the world is completely
unaware
o them. The Canadians proudly say of themselves, and are unheard by
anyone else, that 1% of the world's population has provided 10% of the
world's peacekeeping forces. Canadian soldiers in the past half century
have been the greatest peacekeepers on Earth...in 39 missions on UN
mandates, and six on non-UN peacekeeping duties, from Vietnam to East
Timor, from Sinai to Bosnia.

Yet the only foreign engagement that has entered the popular on
Canadian
imagination was the sorry affair in Somalia, in which out-of-control
paratroopers murdered two Somali infiltrators. Their regiment was then
disbanded in disgrace, a uniquely Canadian act of self-abasement for
which, naturally, the Canadians received no international credit.

So who today in the United States knows about the stoic and selfless
friendship its northern neighbour has given it in Afghanistan?
Rather like Cyrano de Bergerac, Canada repeatedly does honourable
things
for honourable motives, but instead of being thanked for it, it remains
something of a figure of fun. It is the Canadian way, for which
Canadians should be proud, yet such honour comes at a high cost. This
past year more grieving Canadian families knew that cost all too
tragically well.

Sacrifice

sac·ri·fice /ˈsækrəˌfaɪs/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[sak-ruh-fahys] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation noun, verb, -ficed, -fic·ing.

–noun

1.	the offering of animal, plant, or human life or of some material possession to a deity, as in propitiation or homage.

2.	the person, animal, or thing so offered.

3.	the surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim.

4.	the thing so surrendered or devoted.

5.	a loss incurred in selling something below its value.

6.

Also called sacrifice bunt, sacrifice hit. Baseball. a bunt made when there are fewer than two players out, not resulting in a double play, that advances the base runner nearest home without an error being committed if there is an attempt to put the runner out, and that results in either the batter's being put out at first base, reaching first on an error made in the attempt for the put-out, or being safe because of an attempt to put out another runner.

–verb (used with object)

7.	to make a sacrifice or offering of.

8.	to surrender or give up, or permit injury or disadvantage to, for the sake of something else.

9.	to dispose of (goods, property, etc.) regardless of profit.

10.	Baseball. to cause the advance of (a base runner) by a sacrifice.

–verb (used without object)

11.	Baseball. to make a sacrifice: He sacrificed with two on and none out.

12.	to offer or make a sacrifice.

---

[Origin: 1225–75; (n.) ME <>sacrificium, equiv. to sacri- (comb. form of sacer holy) + -fic-, comb. form of facere to make, do¹ + -ium -ium; (v.) ME sacrifisen, deriv. of the n.]

What sacrifices have you made lately?

Happy Samhain to all my Pagan loving friends!!!

I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)

And I would do anything for love
I'd run right into hell and back
I would do anything for love
I'll never lie to you and that's a fact

But I'll never forget the way you feel right now--
Oh no--no way--
I would do anything for love
But I won't do that
I won't do that
Anything for love
I would do anything for love
I would do anything for love
But I won't do that
I won't do that

Some days it don't come easy
Some days it don't come hard
Some days it don't come at all
and these are the days that never end

Maybe I'm crazy
But it's crazy and it's true
I know you can save me
No one else can save me but you

As long as the planets are turning
As long as the stars are burning
As long as your dreams are comming true--
You better believe it!--

That I would to anything for love
And I'll be there until the final act--
I would do anything for love!
And I'll take a vow and seal a pact--

But I'll never forgive myself if we don't go all the way--
Tonight--
I would do anything for love!
I would do anything for love
I would do anything for love
But I won't do that
I won't do that...

I would do anything for love
Anything you've been dreaming of
But I just won't do that...

Somedays I pray for silence
Somedays I pray for sould
Somedays I just pray to the God of Sex and Drums and Rock'N Roll

Some night I lose the feeling
Some nights I lose control
Some night I just lose it all when I watch you dance and the thunder rolls

Maybe I'm lonely
And that's all I'm qualified to be
There's just one and only
The one and only promise I can keep

As long as the wheels are turning
As long as the fires are burning
As long as your prayers are coming true--
You better believe it--!

That I would do anything for love!
And you know it's true and that's a face
I would do anything for love!
And there'll never be no turning back--

But I'll never do it better than I do it with you
So long--
So long--
I would do anything for love
I would do anything for love
I would do anything for love
But I won't do that
I won't do that

I would do anything for love
Anything you've been dreaming of
But I won't do that...

But I'll never stop dreaming of you
Every night of my life--
No way--

I would do anything for love
I would do anything for love
I would do anything for love
But I won't do that
I won't do that!

Girl:
Will you raise me up?
Will you help me down?
Will you get me right out if this Godforsaken town?
Will you make it all a little less cold?

Boy:
I can do that!
I can do that!

Girl:
Will you hold me sacred?
Will you hold me tight?
Can you colorize my life I'm so sick of black and white?
Can you make it all a little less old?

Boy:
I can do that!
I can do that!

Girl:
Will you make me some magic
With your own two hands?
Can you build an emerald city with these grains of sand?
Can you give me something I can take home?

Boy:
I can do that!
I can do that!

Girl:
Will you cater to every fantasy I got?
Will ya hose me down with holy water--if I get to hot--?
Will ya take me to places I've never known?

Boy:
I can do that!
I can do that!

Girl:
After a while you'll forget everything
It was a brief interlude
And a midsummer night's fling
And you'll see that it's time to move on

Boy:
I won't do that!
I won't do that!

-Meatloaf

This is dedicated to the one who 'won't do that'

Reason #10,569 Why I Love My Guy

Laying on our bed watching a movie the phone rings at 7:30pm.

oh wait gotta back up for a second.

So I have what's called 'Call Privacy' on my phone. Pretty much if you call me with a blocked number you get a message first that states that I have this service and that you have one of two options you can choose at that point.

Option 1 - Press the * key to release the id of your phone number, which will then pop up on my id screen.

Option 2- Press # and type in a phone number, which will pop up on my id screen

Keeping that in mind I'll continue...

So the phone rings and Raistlan jumps up to answer it, now a lot of the time he reads out the number if it doesn't seem familiar to him and I'll tell him who it is if I recognize the number.
He rattles off the number on the display and as I'm processing the number which in my head a little voice is going 'Wait a second we know this number' - then out it slips as he's pressing the talk button "That's our phone number" in an odd questioning kind of way.
This is what I hear as I say that

*beep* (of talk button being pressed) "I know that I am not calling myself" in a 'don't be fucking stupid' kind of way coming from Raistlan *beep* (of the off button being pressed)

I lost it, I started laughing so hard I thought I was going to piss myself.
You see one of the collectors that loves calling us seems to think it's more likely that we're going to answer the phone if we see our own phone number on the display. That's the first time either of us had actually answered it though.

We went back to watching our movie after we stopped laughing, but every once in a while one of us would snicker quietly as we thought about it again.

Wise Words To Live By

Don't Make Someone A Priority If They Only Make You An Option.

They Approach Me In Dread

I don't know no Shame
I feel no Pain
I can't see the Flame

Look out she's singing in her blog posts again *laugh*
*blinks* Wait is she dancing in the living room while she's singing?
*laughs*

Anyway...

So I have an interview today...
before you get too excited as my mom pointed out when I told her about it "So you won't actually be making any money...?"
I have an interview with an interesting lady (from what I can tell from her site)
It's an interview to get into a course... yes like school... but this would be a course to learn a form of Japanese Massage

For those of you who actually know me... you know that this is right up my alley... I've been working towards my Reiki Master, I've taken Chakra Balancing and learned how to do them myself, I've learned a bit of Therapeutic Touch... even dabbled a bit with Chinese Meridians... All for the sake of being able to help and heal people without drugs and medications. It's another reason why I've been plying myself with Psychology courses for the same reason. Somewhere deep down I'd like to be able to help people, help them to better themselves, or find themselves or just to understand themselves but looking in places they've never looked before.

It might be brave
I will live by my own policies
I will sleep with a clear conscience
I will sleep in peace
Maybe it sounds mean
But I really don't think so

Wish me luck.
Because I really want this, even if I do have to take on another part time job while I take the course.

And now I go back to dancing around the livingroom

Bad Poetry at 6am

sometimes we slip
sometimes we fall
sometimes we let are guard down

but then we right ourselves
but then we dust ourselves off and stand up
and we post that little sentry back on duty again

you'll meet those people who walk right up
saying let me in
Your little sentry guard just smiles and says
why should I
as he holds his sword to their throat

most will put their hands up and slowly back away
shaking their hands and apologizing
never coming around again

few on the rare occasion will stand their ground
because I need to get in there
eying the little guard and convincing him to let them through

One or two will greet him eye to eye
and make a friend of him
slipping in right by

Most won't stay once they past that sentry
they shake their head and back out
Few will apologize but most just go not saying a word

on the rarest of occasions you have to send that sentry in
and tell those inside about the mistake
they shouldn't have ever been let in
for their not allowed to stay and to go back where they have been

So when the sentry comes for you and tells you
you're not allowed
don't argue or fight with him
be happy you were in

See that if he smiles at you
you're allowed to come and visit
but never for very long

For if you stay you'll see to much
start to grow roots even
so one day
is long enough

Happy Thanksgiving

Well Happy Thanksgiving if you are Canadian

How was your thanksgiving?

mine?

It was alright I guess, got together with family played some games and ate some good food.

the down sides to my thanksgiving - burnt my hand on gravy... (yeah I know I'm so smart eh) quit my job ... (yeah I know I'm so smart eh)

anyway...

I'm tired, I'm sore... oh did I mention I'm sick again? *nods* yep... *sigh*
and I'm kinda hungry...

going to get some food...
later

Forgetting Has Nothing To Do With Forgiving.

Sometimes in stressful times or times of duress the best way to be is numb. Shut down and make it so you don't feel anything so that you can make sure that you're paying attention to what needs to be done decision wise.

I've found that you lose all feelings, including the feeling of thirst and hunger. The actual sense of touch dulls as well. The feeling of being tired is lost as well. If you can use the word feel to describe it and then shut yourself down to 'feeling' and become numb, it all does.

I haven't felt tired for days, and barely slept as well. When I did sleep I was restless.
I haven't been hungry, and have barely eaten. When I did, I felt full after a couple of bites and stopped.
I had an itch the other day and started scratching it, I barely felt it, until I realized I was completely raw in that spot.

I fell asleep last night while watching a movie with my boys, I woke up when the alarm went off. This morning at 7:25am.
I had finally yesterday after talking to a friend of mine given myself permission to be ok again. To feel whatever came my way. I realized during that conversation that although I thought I had shut down all my feelings, I still managed to be hurt during the course...

I awoke this morning with a thirst that knotted my stomach and made my body feel like sand. I awoke and realized I hadn't eaten a meal in days. I also awoke with a pain on my arm.

I'm cooking myself some breakfast and on to my second bottle of water in the last three hours.
Been laying down reading my book, talking with the boys, and probably hitting the shower after breakfast. I haven't checked my email even once worrying about whether or not anyone even noticed I wasn't around last night. Somehow I already know there's nothing there.

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. ~Mahatma Gandhi

Update to the post from earlier today...

The answer to the question - Apparently forever.

So besides 2 attacks, a waterworks induced nap and an inability to keep a lucid thought in my head... *sighs*

been a good day I guess - and how was yours?

Yep I'm Still Alive

Chilling with the girls today... Alanis, Amy, Regina, Amanda, Wendy, Janis, Sinead, Melissa, Storm, Tina, KT, Christina and Billie... Yep that's my girls... one helluva play list thats for sure ;) So good I feel for anyone who doesn't have it :P *laughs*

So why am I just chilling and not working? The program I do all my work in has been fucking up, so it's a long arduous process troubleshooting via email, especially when it's an hour between emails. So between emails I'm going to start working on my curriculum vitae...

Yeah I need to find a job that pays more then what I've been doing. However, since the data entry job will be going to pick ups and drop offs once a week, I'll be able to continue doing those as well. So it just means that I'll be doing nothing but working. Sounds great right? *snickers* I know it doesn't but hey life requires money ;)

Christmas is coming faster then I'd like, bills pile up, trips get canceled, kids to feed ;) So I guess it's time to grow up and make some money. It'll do me some good to get away from my computer and out into the real world *laughs*

Banana I know you've been sending me messages and asking after me... Thank you. I love you and miss you honey. Hug the kidlets for me and John :)

Squasha I think every time I wish you'd hurry up and come home again for a visit I'm gonna put a dollar in a piggy bank ;) maybe it'll get me there to visit you faster :)

So this won't come as a big shock to some of you, but... My best friend is pissed off at me. Yep. Hard to believe eh. *sighs* Dunno how long it'll last this time. Do I feel bad? well sure I do, I feel bad that he gets pissed off that I choose not to not have an opinion about something. You'd figure people would fall down in shock at the fact that I'm keeping my opinion to myself for once. *shrugs* can't please everyone I guess. I'm at a loss, can ya tell?

Oh... as for the whole drivers license fiasco - I went in and passed my beginners with flying colours I may add... a few weeks later I passed the 1st road test (again) with flying colours as well... So now, sometime this week we'll go and book the 2nd (final) road test. If I don't pass that one (with flying colours) I'll scream.



Bible quote for the Month: (you can check my head if you'd like)
"Behold, I will cast her into a bed and them that commit adultery with her into great tribulation, except they repent of their deeds. And I will kill her children with death; and all the churches shall know that I am he which searcheth the reins and hearts: and I will give unto every one of you according to your works" - Revelations 3:22 -3:23


Oy I think that means I'm going to hell. Good thing I don't believe in it eh.
Oh and yeah I don't want to talk about my birthday... and no I wasn't having a break down because I turned 29, so don't go there. ;)

So now that it's 11 (been working on this post between other things for over an hour or so) I think I need to find some food

Understand

I made you think you don't understand.

I used to think that happiness could only be something
That happened to somebody else
Everybody believed, everybody but me, yeah yeah
And I've been hurt so many times before,
That my hope was dying, so sick of trying
Everybody could see, everybody but me, yeah yeah
But then you came into my life, you opened up my softer side
And now I can see into your eyes
And suddenly, I realize.

I made you think you don't understand
All the times you didn't understand,
Why you couldn't just be my man.
I made you think you don't understand
There were many walls you had to climb,
If you really wanted to be mine.
I made you think you don't understand
After all the hoops I put you through,
Now I see that I'm in love with you

Now, I hope you finally understand.

So many tears I've had to cry,
But you had many more of your own you had to try
But you stuck it out and you're here with me now, yeah yeah
And rememberin' the days I pushed away your love,
You called my bluff and you still stayed around,
Yeah you figured me out
Said, you got me down
And there's no way to lie to you, you know me better than I do

Baby, ooh, you see me through,
I'd be no good without you.

I made you think you don't understand
All the times you didn't understand,
Why you just couldn't be my man
I made you think you don't understand
There were many walls you had to climb (yeah)
If you really wanted to be mine (ooh)
I made you think you don't understand
After all the hoops I put you through (through)
Now I see that I'm in love with you

Now, I hope you finally understand

Ohh.

Baby, won't you listen now
Can't you see just what I'm talking about?
Said baby won't you listen now
Can't you see just what I'm talking about?

Time went on, and I was wrong
To keep my distance for so long.
So afraid, you wouldn't stay
But you never turned away

Always right by my side
You're forever in my life
Don't you go
'Cause now I know
That in you I found a home.

Now I can see into your eyes
Suddenly, I realize.

I made you think you don't understand
All the times you didn't understand
Why you just couldn't be my man
I made you think you don't understand
There were many walls you had to climb,
If you really wanted to be mine
I made you think you don't understand
After all the hoops I put you through
Now I see I'm in love with you.

Now, I hope you finally understand.

I made you think you don't understand.

Oh yay... it was my birthday



*Note the sarcasm...

You Usually Only Do That When You're Mad About Something

Sometimes Mom helps and she doesn't realize it...

I've been out of sorts lately, haven't wanted to talk to anyone about anything, let alone anything that might make me mad, upset, down,....well anything that will make me feel.

Walking around with southly blues I left today to go down to the office, sure had a bit of a cry before I left, had something in my eye, watched a sad movie, listened to a sad song... whichever you want to go with all would apply... to an extent.

Either way you slice it I was down... I go downstairs to meet mom at said time for my ride... I get into the car and she has Stompin' Tom Connors playing loudly... I can't help but to smirk even now.
(any Canadians reading this should know who I'm talking about and will most likely smirk as well)

He was just what I needed. In this extremely Americanized place in my extremely Americanized mind... Stompin' Tom came in and made me smile.

How do you know when you're truly happy? how do you know if you've ever been happy? how do you know that you will be happy?

Happy. It seems such a foreign concept.

The Americans aren't making me happy, none of them. It's not their job too, yet for some reason I seem to think that it is.

The last couple of days I've compared people to cigarettes... Sometimes you find a brand that you like the taste of but after a couple of packs you realize that it's annoying you now. Sometimes you find a brand that tastes great that doesn't annoy you but is slowly killing you just like the rest.
You hate to quit on that last brand because they have a great product and you enjoy it but like the rest of them you have to quit... not the 10 years drags on and everyone hears how you're trying so hard to quit ... the I am quitting right now and tossing the pack and doing it cold turkey.

Have you ever tried to go cold turkey on a human being?

Especially one who gives a damn about you?
*sighs* yeah me either...

It's just so... harsh.

You cannot possibly love me as much as you say you do and continue to do to me what you do.
Disregard me again and the wall around my heart towards you will be complete.
I cannot and should not live like this.
You claim to love me yet disregard me and what I have to say.
At least I know where the Prig and I stand and there are no false promises or false hopes.

Silly Boys...

Here I am at 5 in the morning... what am I doing?

Well I just finished watching a movie... here in my chair in the dark by myself.

One day I'll realize that some people just aren't as intense as I am, or as crazy, or as willing.

So some sort of update...

I begged pleaded and finally told Raistlan months ago to get referred to a sleep clinic by a doctor because as he's gotten older and gained more weight his sleeping has been bothering me more and more. It's not that the snoring bothers me, I've slept with a couple others whose snoring is a lot worse then his. It was the snoring mixed with the gasping for air and the not breathing every so often that had me scared.
After talking to my good friend Paulie I was 100% certain that Raistlan needed to go and get checked. A lot of his ailments sounded like they were caused by not enough restful sleep.
He went.. about 3 or 4 months ago he went and did the sleep study. A couple of weeks ago he finally had the follow up for it, he found out that he stops breathing at least 30 times an hour and all the times he stops breathing he's running on 80% less oxygen.
Pretty much at the rate he's going he'll have a heart attack, or a stroke or just up and die in his sleep.
Well if that's not enough to freak some one out - he got the results of his cholesterol test as well saying that it was too high as well. Like heart attack range high...

And yet people still have the "wow he was only in his thirties" mentality when people Raistlans age dies of a heart attack.

*sigh* I'm scared. Even after my procedure I'm not in the best of health and now to find out that he's in worse shape then I thought. I find myself staying up almost until it's time for him to get up in the morning just so I can go check on him throughout the night. We've been together for ten years, what would I do without him?

What makes it worse is I have a friend who I believe is in the same boat, and unfortunately I can't convince him to do anything about it. I worry about his health so much as well. I pretty much feel useless about it. He's my best friend and has been for the last 5 years...

If anything happened to either one or both of them I don't know what I would do. It hurts my heart and makes me so sad when I think about it.
Why don't boys understand, they just don't get how much we worry about them.

Anyway... I need to go check on Raistlan again, it's almost become an obsession to make sure he's alright.

If Your Love Is Real

Three days spent staring at your photograph
Read your letter made me laugh
But theres a shadow on the path
till I know
If your love is real

cause its not as if a lot was said
Falling in and falling out of bed
But now the worlds turned on its head
till I know
If your love is real

Spent a long time now persuading myself
That I don't need no one
Nobody else
That Id felt all there was to feel

I'm in a daydream now I'm out to lunch
And should it come down to the crunch
Im wide open for that sucker punch
till I know
If your love is real
till I know
If your love is real

Spent a long time now persuading myself
That I don't need no one
Nobody else
That Id felt all there was to feel

I know if I should live one hundred years
Id never see another face like yours
On stranger seas or brighter shores
cause I know
That my love is real
-David Gray

If I'm Only Dreaming, Then Why'm I Screaming

A few years ago my friend and her mom and I all went to go see a psychic (go ahead and groan) his name was Lenny, nice guy. So we waited in the car while we each went upstairs one at a time.
He did his readings out of a small upstairs apartment and he prefers when reading family members to keep them separated during the reading, so since we're all like family to each other we did it that way.

So her mom went first, and then my friend went, and then I went up last. He looked tired when I came upstairs, I understand how that goes when you're doing readings for people.

I enjoyed my reading, yes of course he told me things I already knew, but I didn't tell him anything. Save the nickname I use as my name. He came back with my full first name.

I had almost completely forgotten about the reading. Until the other day when I was in the shower. I love my shower, I just love being able to for all intents and purposes trance out in the shower and just make my mind blank it's just the best part of the cleansing process. but anyway...
At the time I was seeing this guy, sort of. And of course I wanted to ask him about this guy and see what was going to happen with us.

Lenny told me he was a flash in the pan, never gonna work out. Which I was already starting to feel like it was going that way. So he went on to tell me that the relationship I'm in won't be my last, there's much love but it too eventually won't be what we're looking for. Then he talked of the next one. Can't give too much away there. I shrugged at the time because the initial (name) that he gave didn't make sense to me I didn't have any friends with that initial that I could ever see that happening with. Now... why would this hit me in the shower almost 4 years after it happened.

*chuckles*
you know...

I don't know... :)

And History Books Forgot About Us

When I give people tidbits of advice or answer questions brought to me about child rearing sometimes I say things that other people don't agree with, or something that may sound odd to try.

It's not because I believe I'm a perfect parent, as a matter of fact it's quite the opposite, it's things I've learned over the years in my 10 years of being a parent, my 5 years of school, and my numerous years babysitting friends and family's children since I was of an age that they would trust me with them.

It hurts when I suggest something and get the retort of "well you just know everything don't you since you're such a perfect parent..." and yes retort, not compliment.

Nobody wants to be questioned on their parenting, but do you know why?

Because they already question themselves everyday on their own abilities, about the decisions they make as a parent.

*****

there was more to this post, but right now I'm just finding this huge black sucking void in myself is too hard to get past too write more.

I'm Stupid...

It's a wonder how a guy who's only known me about 2 weeks could possibly know what I need over a guy who has known me for 5 years and another that has for 10 years...

Yesterday I went for my last road test for my drivers license... I've had my license for just a bit over 5 years but hadn't finished all the tests. My license came up for renewal and in order to renew it I had to get that last test done. *sighs* Well I failed.

Yep.. me... the one who's favourite past time is driving... the one who's driven to Montreal... to Georgia... and all over the freaking place... failed my drivers test.

Which means... I lost my license.

No it's not that strict... it's a case of because my license had expired before I did the test I got an extension and this was the do or die kinda thing.

Well as I said... I failed. So had no license.

Oh I can start the process all over again if I want... and have $200... beginners (written) and 1st road test - $125 Exit test - $75...

Well I've been told a few times... Don't stress... It's not the end of the world... *nods*

Ya know.. I realize this... but I should be allowed the time to beat myself up about this... even if I'd like to do it for a couple of days...

So I will stop stressing, and I will continue on, and the world shall not crumble... But I will now lose control of where I go and how long I'm there and when I want to go...

*shrugs*

Let me freak about this for however I deem necessary... honestly this is not the straw that has broken this camels back.

*sighs* I had something else to say but I just don't have it in me...
See ya around

Just Thought - You Oughta Know.

I want you to know, that I am happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both
An older version of me
Is she perverted like me?
Would she go down on you in a theater?
Does she speak eloquently
And would she have your baby?
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother

'Cause the love that you gave that we made
Wasn't able to make it enough for you
To be open wide, No
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me
You'd hold me until you died
Till you died, but you're still alive

And I'm here, to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair, to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me, Mr. Duplicity?
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face
How quickly I was replaced
And are you thinking of me when you f... her?

'Cause the love that you gave that we made
Wasn't able to make it enough for you
To be open wide, No
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me
You'd hold me until you died
Till you died, but you're still alive

And I'm here, to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair, to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

Ohh... aah... ahh... ahh...

'Cause the joke that you laid in the bed
That was me and I'm not gonna fade
As soon as you close your eyes, and you know it
And every time I scratch my nails
Down someone else's back I hope you feel it
Well, can you feel it?

'Cause the love that you gave that we made
Wasn't able to make it enough for you
To be open wide, No
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me
You'd hold me until you died
Till you died, but you're still alive

And I'm here, to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair, to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

-Alanis

My Last Three Weeks

Mornin'
As I sit here and eat my Georgia peach and drink my Florida OJ I can't help but realize...
Most people when they're not feeling well
it usually lasts about a week if you're really sick maybe 3 days if it's just a bug, longer then a week and you get worried.

As of this coming Thursday it will be 3 weeks since I went to prompt care at t he hospital because the pain in my throat was so bad that I was actually crying.
So that means it's been 3 weeks today that I woke up with a sore throat.

So three weeks later here I sit, nose still stuffed, throat still raspy, right ear - can't hear very well.
I've gone through apprx 5 boxes of tissue, have had to take naps during the day from fatigue, gone through a bottle of Ibuprofen and a script of anti biotics (which most ladies know what comes from that) and I can still barely taste my food.

Then again I'm just thankful that I can eat solid foods again.

So that's where I've been... and what I've been up too...

I Am Canadian

I'm...

fun... funny... understanding... caring... knowing... loving... beautiful... sexy... good listener... down to earth... cute... a lover... a fighter... a good fuck... helpful... enthusiastic... great friend... stubborn... thick headed... obtuse... greedy... jealous... fantastic... odd... unique... perfectly plump...

I'm also...

Not wife material.

Am I Really Posting A Blog Entry???

In honour of Montreal going to visit Chicago
last night I made poutine and thought about all of my friends while they get together.

I just have one complaint, our cheese curds don't squeak.. :(

I love and miss you guys...
Moon, Chris, Anna, John

I hope you guys have a fantastic time

In other news...
Keenan graduated from Senior Kindergarten on Wednesday, he was so cute.

Keenan has been really enjoying T-Ball and of course Gambit is rocking soccer again this year.
Both of them are finished their swimming lessons now - and yucking it up in Grandmas pool now.
Gambit is almost finished with his guitar lessons for the summer.

Good news.. Gambits dad got a job, so since I still work at home, Gambit will be coming here for the summer and going to visit his dad on his days off. Which means I really need to get off my ass about changing these rooms around... or I need to hurry up and call a mortgage broker and beg steal and lie to get us a house.

We've been given the van, pretty much until it dies... which after today might be a lot sooner then we all anticipated... it's by sheer magic (mine) that she's staying together...

Was talking to a friend just the other day and I realized... I need to get back in touch with my spirituality... also I've not picked up my deck in almost a year. If I had some more space I could go back to offering chakra balancings, tt sessions, reiki sessions and meridian cleansings again... can't do them at home here tho... hmm... think I'll put it out there that I'm doing them still.

I just want to take another moment...
Jamie, I am so proud of you. It takes a lot to stick with something and see it through to the end, I'm so very proud of you for finishing school. You may not think it's something, but, take it from a college drop out who kicks her own ass every fucking day. Good on ya. Do not settle, go get the job that goes with that piece of paper. Go for the one you want. You're allowed to be selfish about that. ;) I'm sorry that I won't be able to see you walk. :(

It felt good to make a post again... I'm sorry that I've been hiding in my shell.
There's been somethings happen that I won't share. ;)

how do you get out?
how do you get away from it all?

how do you know when you're happy?
how do you know when you're not?

how do you want me?
how do you like me?

I think you like the idea of me...

3 Years Ago Today...

Originally posted June 17th 2004 (ok so not exactly to the day but you get the idea)

"Look for that girl with the broken smile and ask her if she'll stay awhile and she will be loved..."

Thats it I'm fuckin outta here...I swear to god... West Nile has strted popping up already... next will be Mad Cow again...followed closely in third place by SARS... *sigh*

I fucking hate it here.. I don't want to be here... I want to go home...

Shadow and I had this conversation in Tim Hortons yesterday... he said he doesn't feel like the Niagara Region is home anymore...I said I haven't felt at home anywhere here in a long long long time... they say home is where your heart is but.... well I won't get into that... let's just say neither one of us feels at home anymore... I dunno if it's with each other or just in general...

Most everyone doesn't know this yet but Shadow hopefully will be getting some information from work soon as to a possible transfer to the Phillipines (sp) I'm hoping that he can get it... as much as I would miss Canada...I need to get the fuck outta here...

"My porch light is on and I've unlocked my door, my eyes are red and my throat is sore, I've checked my mail and watched my phone, and I wonder when you're coming home and while I count my regrets I'm gonna smoke 100 cigarettes"

Fuck there ain't nothing like a good harmonica solo by Mr Chill...early in the morning when you've had no sleep, too many cigarettes and a pain in your heart... Gordy could sing to me all day and I'd have no problems with that...everyone needs a lil bit o' Big Sugar...

Shadow is finished his smoking fast... I knew he wouldn't be a quitter..LMAO

"and while I'm counting my regrets I'm gonna smoke 100 cigarettes, before I see the rising sun I believe I smoked 101"

Last night was fun...thanks to all who were there...LOL... flirtin and teasin is always best done in groups...LOL

"Dear Mr Fantasy play us a tune something to make us all happy, do anything to take us out of this gloom, sing a song play guitar make it snappy"

You should've never asked me to look into my cam that night....you weren't ready for it...LMAO...do me a favour rack your brain and remember your tarot reading... ;)

"Brothers and Sisters are ya ready??"

Gotta love secret messages that are out in the open...aren't they annoying...???

"baby's tired all the time, swear ya gonna lose me, girl ya gonna lose yer mind"

BTW did I happen to mention that this will be extremely fragmented?? LMAO

my thoughts are so all over the place...I need a nice big butterfly net to catch all my thoughts and then shove them all back into my head thru my head... my body feels like jello...yet my muscles are stiff and sore... my head feels groggy...yet the thoughts are so clear when they fly by...

"so I want to say thank you, cause it makes me that much stronger, makes me work a little bit harder, makes me that much wiser, thanks for making me fighter, made me learn a little bit faster, makes my skin a little bit thicker, makes me that much smarter, thanks for making me a fighter"

I need to thicken up my skin...metaphorically of course...

"thought I would forget but I remember"

Yes lots of music this morning... I need it to keep my head straight...sometimes it feels like if I don't have music I would hear too many conversations in my head that would drive me bonkers...yeah yeah yeah I know I'm already bonkers...but at least I'm fit enough to walk among the public...sometimes the thoughts and voices are so overpowering that I can't think straight...and can't concentrate...

"I think we're alone in the universe tonight"

I need to put together a bulletin for Monday's meeting...got to install the microsoft office software first...then get the info...then fill the ink cartridge in the printer... *sigh* just seems like so much work for today...but I have such a busy weekend starting at 4pm...maybe I'll just get the bulletin ready for the first meeting in September...and just bring in caledars for everyone for Monday...I dunno...I can't think straight right now...

"Took another pill to find my way hope that you'll be there, cause this is my way out of this tonight, this is my last chance to ease the fire, this is my way out of here tonight, how about you?"

OMG went to the library...found Go Ask Alice... I would so be indebted to anyone who can get me a copy of it for myself... :D LOL
Gawd I loved that book so much as a kid...everyone was reading Nancy Drew or the Hardy Boys...I was reading Go Ask Alice...nobody said I was normal...

"Hey you Mrs I don't know what the fuck yer name is I'm drawn to you somethings magnetic here"

I gotta stop now before I ramble more...I think I'll go take a shower to clear the cobwebs...

Later

(man I was long winded then - now it seems like I never have anything too say)

Was That Well Done or Medium Rare, Ma'am??

Dear Self,

When mom opens up her pool for the first time this summer, don't go and play in it for hours and hours no matter how tempting it is. For the sun shall be out and you shall burn like you haven't seen the sun in ages. Technically self, you really haven't seen the sun much the last couple of years, so you might want to go easy on the whole outside/sun situation.

Love,
Me


Dear Me,

Too Late!

-Self

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SQUASHA!!!!!!!!!!


let's get wasted and forget life for awhile...

I'm Loving Me Some Mika

Happy Ending lyrics

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

Wake up in the morning, stumble on my life
Can't get no love without sacrifice
If anything should happen, I guess I wish you well
A little bit of heaven, but a little bit of hell

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I feel as if I'm wastin'
And I'm wastin' everyday

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

2 o'clock in the morning, something's on my mind
Can't get no rest; keep walkin' around
If I pretend that nothin' ever went wrong, I can get to my sleep
I can think that we just carried on

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I feel as if I'm wastin'
And I'm wastin' everyday

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

A Little bit of love, little bit of love
Little bit of love, little bit of love...

I feel as if I feel as if I'm wastin'
And I'm wastin' everyday

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
To live the rest of our life,
But not together.

Foundation - Kate Nash

My fingertips are holding onto
The cracks in our foundation
And I know that I should let go, but I can't
And every time we fight I know it's not right
Every time that you're upset and I smile
I know I should forget, but I can't

My Obituary

'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

...

He left no time to regret
Kept his dick wet
With his same old safe bet
Me and my head high
And my tears dry
Get on without my guy
You went back to what you knew
So far removed from all that we went through
And I tread a troubled track
My odds are stacked
I'll go back to black

We only said good-bye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to.....

I go back to us

I love you much
It's not enough
You love blow and I love puff
And life is like a pipe
And I'm a tiny penny rolling up the walls inside

We only said goodbye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to

We only said good-bye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to


Black, black, black, black, black, black, black,
I go back to
I go back to

We only said good-bye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to


We only said good-bye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to black

Amy Winehouse - Back to Black

Well Since This Is Still Working

Wow this is still here eh?

Well alright I guess I can make a post of some sort...

My grandfather died... went to his funeral... couldn't help having such weird morbid thoughts like 'how did they get such a big man into such a little box?' yeah I know he was cremated but the thought still pops up...

My aunt is still in the hospital...
My other aunt has flown back home to Saskatchewan...
another aunt... well she can go to hell since she doesn't care anyway...

Haven't heard from my grandmother... neither has my mom...

Raistlan's back to bad migraines again... *insert sarcastic yay here*

Keenan, the Wednesday after my grandfathers funeral decided to jump off of grandma's playset and hurt his foot... mini crutches for a lil kid... cute as hell... trying to teach a stubborn six year old how to use the damn things after he's already fallen once from them ... frustrating as hell....
(he's fine now the crutches and what not were a precaution - his foot is ok)

Gambit, woke his father up last thursday at 4am unable to breathe, made a trip to the hospital - they didn't see anything wrong with him but gave him oxygen , and then again on friday at 4am...no trip to hospital this time - comes to my house no waking up in the middle of the night. I mention the fact that his father and grandmother both smoke in the house?? mhmm...

We had two eggs hatch - one of the babies didn't make it... the other baby was being neglected and had something strange happen with its food and such (long long story) so he's been taken out of the nesting box and put in his own little brooder (incubator) and I've taken over the mommy and daddy role and am feeding this lil baby about once every 2 to 3 hours.. Keenan and Gambit have named him Falzar (no we don't know if its a boy) I've been calling him 'nekkid lil chicken' he's only about 8 or 9 days old maybe a lil older... we're just hoping he makes it... so far so good.

that's about all that's been up here for the last little while...
nothing to mention about myself *shrugs*
I'm the same boring fat white pasty short Canadian as I've always been...

my heart hurts and I'm broke...

laters

A Dying Childs Wish...

A little boy named Shane Bernier is 7 years old and he is unfortunately dying of Leukemia. His only wish is to make it into the Guinness Book of World Records. To do this he would like to receive as many birthday cards as possible. We would like to help! Perhaps you can use your own network of friends and family to make this boy's dream come true. It is a small expense for Shane's dream.


Shane's Birthday is May 30th.

What a great thing it would be for this little boy to not only get as many birthday cards as possible but to get them from around the world.

I'm asking that you help this boy by buying him a birthday card and sending it to him, think of it as a favour to me ;)

Shane Bernier
Box 484
Lancaster, Ontario
Canada
K0C 1N0

Advice Time Again...

Advice time... sure I'm looking for yours... always... thought you guys knew thats what you were here for...

What do you do if you are encountering almost nothing but negativity from a family member and/or a friend of yours?

See I try to live away from negativity - but every so often (since I am human) I complain - however I try to stay away from people who do nothing but complain or only see the dark side of things - But when ya love the person because they are someone close to you, how would you deal with it... I'm trying to find a way to deal with it - yet not lose this person in my life.

If you have any ideas or suggestions please by all means let me know - usually I tell them to fuck off - but I don't really wanna do that this time with family.

Dar and Scott

My mothers mother... my Grandmother... must be wondering what fucked up lottery she won...

My Grandfather that just passed on Saturday was my Grandmothers first husband... they had a bunch of kids including my mom...
Each remarried...


My Grandmother married another man and had two more children... and I'm quite sure that my grandmother right now is sitting in the hospital in Hamilton... for each of those two children are there...

I had an uncle, his name was Scott... his place of residence for most of my life was behind some bars... I only met him a few times that I can remember... his place of residence now is Hamilton General hospital where he lays not waking up. He is and will remain to be brain dead. He has been there for a couple of years now.

I have an aunt, her name is Dar... she was one of my cool aunt's introduced me to all kinds of different types of music, she would wear leather jackets and she was a helluva artist. I remember her telling me one night when I got home from work as a teenager (I worked in a bar and got home about 2 am) she turns to me and says 'I'm gay' as I was watching tv... my response 'I know' ... thats one of the last times I saw my Aunt Dar. Yesterday I got a phone call, while grieving over the death of my Grandfather.

Aunt Dar's in the hospital in ICU and it doesn't look good...
Her new place of residence... Hamilton General Hospital... I hope that she at least gets to share the room with her brother since they've not been in the same room in probably 15 years.

My Grandmothers two youngest children lay in hospital beds, one for all intents and purposes dead the other dying. After hearing that her first husband has passed over the weekend.

My heart is very heavy right now... but I can't even begin to imagine how my Grandmothers must be...

Thank you for all the wishes and condolences from everyone...

R.I.P Richard Murrell

In the last few years I didn't get to see him often... Frankly I didn't really want too... and even tho that sounds mean I had my own stupid reasons for it...

often I found him somewhat embarrassing... crude... rude... racist...perverted... and I don't deal well with sick people...

He had sores on his body... he was missing all but one tooth... he smelled kinda bad usually... and was usually complaining about how ill he was or trying to tell us he was losing weight... (which we all knew he really wasn't)... he was loud and obnoxious...

But he was my grandpa...

He was my Grandfather and he was my Godfather...

I don't know if I was his favourite when I was growing up but I know that he was mine...

He taught me the meaning of "pull my finger" he'd always make me laugh when I was younger and later on snicker with the "Wreck d'em dayum near killed him" jokes...

I went to see him yesterday in the hospital and was there for a couple of hours... We've been saying for years that he had died years ago but just refused to lay down... Yesterday when I went to go see him, he had stopped responding to anything... he hadn't been coherent for days... he was laying in his bed with a line of oxygen hooked to him and an iv ... and his breathing was so shallow... raspy and so shallow...

I'm glad I had decided to not bring the kids in to see him... they can remember him as the grumpy old guy who'd complain that they were too loud and try to convince them to pull his finger from christmas time.

My Grandpa died last night after my visit.

It's still going to take me awhile to get used to saying that.

So in memory of my poor white trash smelly ol Grandad (and he knows I say that with all my heart)....

"Pull My Finger!"

Kudos To You Dad...

KNOXVILLE, Tenn. - A father says he wasn't trying to shame his 14-year-old son when he made the boy wear a large sandwich-board sign saying, "I abused and sold drugs."

"I'm not out here doing this to humiliate my son," the father told WATE-TV as the teenager walked up and down the sidewalk Wednesday in front of Cedar Bluff Middle School.

"I'm doing this because I love him," he said. "We do have an extreme drug problem in America, and maybe it's time for extreme measures that parents need to take to monitor this problem that we have."

The man wasn't identified by the station to protect the confidentiality of the son, but he appeared on camera. The son's face was not shown.

The father said he recently learned after reading the boy's MySpace page that his son was involved with marijuana and OxyContin. That's when he decided to act, and the boy agreed to the punishment.

After a short time, the school's principal soon came out and asked the father to call it off, which he did.

By then the boy said he'd learned his lesson. "This is embarrassing. I ain't going to be doing it again," the boy said. "Drugs are for losers. That's all I can say."

******

Ok so here's my take on this... since you knew I had to have one if I was sharing the article....

That principal needed to mind his own fucking business... first off... it was the parent that was teaching the lesson here... secondly... he should take a page from that fathers book...

if you had more kids wearing sandwich boards and walking the streets as a punishment to a crime... how many crimes you think they're going to commit...

I say Kudos to this father... good on ya... hopefully you helped stop your kid from selling and doing drugs... I think the principal needs to take a fuckin' chill pill and get on board... what happened to the kids being scared into respecting authority?... believe me.. it actually worked...

Maybe the principal needs to wear a sign and parade up and down the street that says "I'm a pussy walk all over me"

Why would he in his right mind think he was in a place to tell that father to stop...?

Are You Ready To Get Off Your Ass?

Are you ready to wake up, get off your ass and move??

I Applaud You Mr Fierstein

"Our Prejudices, Ourselves"

AMERICA is watching Don Imus's self-immolation in a state of shock and awe. And I'm watching America with wry amusement.

Since I'm a second-class citizen -- a gay man -- my seats for the ballgame of American discourse are way back in the bleachers. I don't have to wait long for a shock jock or stand-up comedian to slip up with hateful epithets aimed at me and mine. Hate speak against homosexuals is as commonplace as spam. It's daily traffic for those who profess themselves to be regular Joes, men of God, public servants who live off my tax dollars, as well as any number of celebrities.

In fact, I get a good chuckle whenever someone refers to "the media" as an agent of "the gay agenda." There are entire channels, like Spike TV, that couldn't fill an hour of programming if required to remove their sexist and homophobic content. We've got a president and a large part of Congress willing to change the Constitution so they can deprive of us our rights because they feel we are not "normal."

So I'm used to catching foul balls up here in the cheap seats. What I am really enjoying is watching the rest of you act as if you had no idea that prejudice was alive and well in your hearts and minds.

For the past two decades political correctness has been derided as a surrender to thin-skinned, humorless, uptight oversensitive sissies. Well, you anti-politically correct people have won the battle, and we're all now feasting on the spoils of your victory. During the last few months alone we've had a few comedians spout racism, a basketball coach put forth anti-Semitism and several high-profile spoutings of anti-gay epithets.

What surprises me, I guess, is how choosy the anti-P.C. crowd is about which hate speech it will not tolerate. Sure, there were voices of protest when the TV actor Isaiah Washington called a gay colleague a "faggot." But corporate America didn't pull its advertising from "Grey's Anatomy," as it did with Mr. Imus, did it? And when Ann Coulter likewise tagged a presidential candidate last month, she paid no real price.

In fact, when Bill Maher discussed Ms. Coulter's remarks on his HBO show, he repeated the slur no fewer than four times himself; each mention, I must note, solicited a laugh from his audience. No one called for any sort of apology from him. (Well, actually, I did, so the following week he only used it once.)

Face it, if a Pentagon general, his salary paid with my tax dollars, can label homosexual acts as "immoral" without a call for his dismissal, who are the moral high and mighty kidding?

Our nation, historically bursting with generosity toward strangers, remains remarkably unkind toward its own. Just under our gleaming patina of inclusiveness, we harbor corroding guts. America, I tell you that it doesn't matter how many times you brush your teeth. If your insides are rotting your breath will stink. So, how do you people choose which hate to embrace, which to forgive with a wink and a week in rehab, and which to protest? Where's my copy of that rule book?

Let me cite a non-volatile example of how prejudice can cohabit unchecked with good intentions. I am a huge fan of David Letterman's. I watch the opening of his show a couple of times a week and have done so for decades. Without fail, in his opening monologue or skit Mr. Letterman makes a joke about someone being fat. I kid you not. Will that destroy our nation? Should he be fired or lose his sponsors? Obviously not.

But I think that there is something deeper going on at the Letterman studio than coincidence. And, as I've said, I cite this example simply to illustrate that all kinds of prejudice exist in the human heart. Some are harmless. Some not so harmless. But we need to understand who we are if we wish to change. (In the interest of full disclosure, I should confess to not only being a gay American, but also a fat one. Yes, I'm a double winner.)

I urge you to look around, or better yet, listen around and become aware of the prejudice in everyday life. We are so surrounded by expressions of intolerance that I am in shock and awe that anyone noticed all these recent high-profile instances. Still, I'm gladdened because our no longer being deaf to them may signal their eventual eradication.

The real point is that you cannot harbor malice toward others and then cry foul when someone displays intolerance against you. Prejudice tolerated is intolerance encouraged. Rise up in righteousness when you witness the words and deeds of hate, but only if you are willing to rise up against them all, including your own. Otherwise suffer the slings and arrows of disrespect silently.

Harvey Fierstein is an actor and playwright.

Some Of Those Chain Letters Make Sense...

Did you know? before you go to sleep at night there is one person thinking of you. They want you they want to kiss you, They want to be with you they are always thinking about you before they go to sleep at night they are longing to be with you.



At least thats what a chain letter told me ;)

How Many You Have?

so I got to thinking after my last post about the jpg's and I started to wonder how many mp3's I have...

so yeah bored... sitting here... I did a search...

*drumroll*

11,769

yep that's right Eleven Thousand Seven Hundred and Sixty Nine mp3's on my system...


Shhh.... *looks around*

How Many .jpgs Do You Have??

So my sister says to me the other day "Hey do you still have all those pics from mom's birthday party?"

I'm thinking hey no problem they're on my computer...

I start searching... suddenly I realize hours have gone by and I've not yet found my mom's birthday pics... I find three years of my cousins kids birthdays... I find a couple years of my kids birthday parties... hmm

can't find mom's birthday... I go to the trusty start menu and hit that ever so handy "search" button... because see... I can't even remember what any of them were named... I just know that they're jpgs.... so oh so smart my types in *.jpg into the search field thinking... enh I can't have that many pictures I'm sure I'll find one quick enough find out what file in what directory on which hard drive it's on... thinking...

heh... in the infamous words of my son Keenan "easy peasy lemon squeezey" right....
I hit enter for it to search the computer... just a little less then 5 minutes later the lil dog with it's little waggley tail tells me... hey guess what I found some jpgs.... and I was such a good boy... I found 16, 953 of them....

fuck me!! I have almost 17 000 pictures on my computer??

so now I sit and wonder how long til I find one from my mom's birthday party.... wish me luck... lol

Enh...

Yesterday was the day after a heavy rain storm, I don't mind spring, but I'm always so sad in the spring... it's so rainy... I could never live out in BC... anyway...
Yesterday it was hot... I don't remember how hot... but... it was hot and the ground was still mushy and wet and there was still lots of puddles everywhere when I decided to Keenan to school.
Well on our way there all I could think of was wow it smells so much better out here today... the rain washed all kinds of winter smells away... and with it came the smell of fresh wet dirt... now before anyone starts saying "ew" think about it for a moment... after a big rain you ever go outside and just smell the air... so then of course on the way home I couldn't get the song Oklahoma out of my head... listened to two hours of music before I finally got rid of it... *shit* .... *sighs* it's back...

However the one thing the rain storm did not wash away was my own form of winter blahs... the sun was out and it was shining and actually feeling warm after months of not one ounce of warmth from it... the ground was refreshed and watered and happy... and I felt like I wanted to cry.

Still do...

I don't know why exactly... I'm in a great mood when Raistlans home and up and talking and feeling well... Keenan is the sweetest sometimes...ok... most times... and he makes me laugh... he's so considerate...

I've turned into a hermit... I've only been out lately to take the kidlet to school... I can't even muster the motivation to go to the bank... you'd think a cheque sitting her on my desk would encourage me to go... but... nope... I just shrug it off and "get too it later"

I've been withdrawing.... I barely know what's going on with my friends anymore... I must seem the worst person in the world to be friends with right now...

My life is being sucked out of me by way of my ass and it's all my chairs fault...
and if you believe that then I have a piece of swamp land in Arizona to sell you....

my life is about to become uber busy... Lions, Soccer, T-Ball, Swimming, school, guitar lessons, and birthdays...

Lions has been total shite lately... I won't go into details... but it looks as tho I'll be changing clubs... assholes.

I can't get any sleep... I go to bed and stare at the ceiling for hours...
I've barely been eating enough... just because it gets to that point where the sight of food sickens me... as if I put that piece of food in my mouth I'll vomit...
I don't even want to make dinner that's how much of a turn off food is for me right now...
Squasha you remember the last time this happened...? *sigh* yeah...

Every time I start feeling like this I start doing the whole I want to go home thing... problem is no where feels like home... not really... and that whole fucked up cliche... "home is where the heart is" fuck that... if that's the case then my heart has packed it's bags and taken a train to "IDon'tKnowWheresville"

I sit here listening to love songs... trying to feel something... and I've got nothing...
love? Fuck Love! *chuckles* love ya Dane...
Numb...

maybe it's this computer...
*eyes it suspiciously*
Yeah I definitely think it's this computer...
evil evil evil
silver little box that sits on my desk
you suck me in, thinking your the best
you suck me in and seduce me all day
until my ass is so numb

ya know it's no wonder...

unplugging... you're right unplugging is a good thing...
I think I might just follow your lead...
and unplug... hell no one would even notice anyway...

" Oklahoma, where the wind comes sweepin' down the plain
And the wavin' wheat can sure smell sweet
When the wind comes right behind the rain. "

*pulls plug*

Blogs and Change

So I thought about shutting down and deleting my blogs today...

it seems like I never have much to say anymore what I do say doesn't seem to mean much of anything...

just drivel pretty much... there's enough blogs out there that are just drivel... or just people giving little updates on their lives... what makes mine so special...

Really it's not done much for me... cause me problems with my in laws, with my family, even some of my friends...

I guess just back in the day when I started this blog almost 3 years ago... I had something to say... or I thought I needed to say something... I used to update this thing a few times a day when I first started it... now I'm lucky (or not) if I sit down to update it a few times a month...

when it comes right down to it I guess it comes to the question of "Who Cares?"

I mean really... I know that journals and diaries and such are usually personal... and I've mentioned it before but...
It's not really that personal unless it's anonymous... right?

If it's done anonymously then people wouldn't know it was you and you could talk about whoever and whatever you won't, like you used to be able to do when ya kept that little locked diary under your pillow...

But since the people who read it know who you are you feel like you need to entertain them rather than say what's on your mind...

So is it really a journal a place for your thoughts and feelings or is it a place to write about the comings and goings of your family to keep your friends up to date...

I've had many blogs... some still kicking around... I had a blog that I told Raistlan he wasn't allowed to go to... and he being the great that he is wouldn't go to it...
I deleted it today... didn't save the logs didn't reread the entries... just deleted it... they were about another man...
not fair to him to ask him not to read it... so I deleted it and with it any feelings attached to it that may have still been there...

I have another journal... it's a deadjournal... took it out of my blogroll... and as soon as I figure out how... I'm gonna kill that one too...

things are changing... I'm changing...

I did decide so for now, not to kill this one...


For now...

Song Of The Week - Yes I Am - Melissa Etheridge

In these days and these hours of fury
When the darkness and answers are thin
Lovers come and check out in a hurry
Shallow and hollow again
Come lay your body beside me
To dream to sleep with the lamb
To the question your eyes seem to send

Am I your passion your promise your end
I say I am
Yes I am
Your passion your promise your end
Yes I am

Barring divine intervention
There is nothing between you and i
And if I carelessly forgot to mention
Your body your power can sanctify
Come feed your hunger your thirst
Lay it down the beast will die
You can question my heart once again

Am I your passion your promise your end
I say I am
Yes I am
Your passion your promise your end
Yes I am

I will stand firm in the tempest
I will ride destinys trail
To believe when the truth comes up empty
To hold and respect without fail
Come and be one in the motion
A desire they cannot comprehend
Never to question again
For I am your passion your promise your end
Oh yes I am

Happy Steak and BJ Day...

So I was gonna unplug for the day....

as you can see that didn't happen... partly because I work on the computer... and because of the rain... I was going to take the lil drunken monkeys out today... but it's raining... very appropriate for the mood I'm in today... gray and overcast day... gray and overcast mood...

Like ancient bruises
I'm awake and feel the ache
But I wish I'd see a field below
I wish I'd see a field below

I wish I'd see your face below
I wish I'd hear you whispering low
But you don't live downtown no more
And everything must come and go

So for my overcast mood, I've logged into every messenger service I have and am visible to see if there's anyone who wants to chat... maybe help keep me busy today...

come into my world
I've got to show show show you
come into my bed
I've got to know know know you

I have dreams of orca whales and owls
but I wake up in fear
you will never be my, you will never be my fool
will never be my fool

Regina's keeping me company on my wmp...

I must go on standing
You can't break that which isn't yours
I, oh, must go on standing
I'm not my own, it's not my choice

Be afraid of the lame
They'll inherit your legs
Be afraid of the old
They'll inherit your souls
Be afraid of the cold
They'll inherit your blood
Apres moi, le deluge
After me comes the flood

I should probably get up and clean up the apartment for a bit... yeah I know yuck it up...

Don't tell your mother that you are afraid
Don't tell your lover that your heart might break
Don't tell your gods that you no longer believe
Because as soon as you say it out loud they will leave you
And you will miss them oh so bad
And you will wait for their return
And you will wish they were your own
But gods that have left you will never grace your home

*sighs* it's only 9:30 in the morning and I already wanna call it quits on today and go back to bed until tomorrow comes a long...

You don't know what love is till you see her standing there
A web of skin and nails and hair
And bones and bones
And thoughts rush in and
Arch your head, you think you are alive
But you are dead, you keep
On driving in your car asleep...

So I'm supposed to be working... either cleaning or actually working... I just can't seem to get motivated...

And I have walked these streets so long
There ain't nothing right, there ain't nothing wrong
But the little wet tears on my baby's shoulder
The little wet tears on my baby's shoulder

Lady lights a cigarette, puffs away, no regret
Takes a look around, no regrets, no regrets
Stretches out like branches of a poplar tree
She says, i'm free
Sings so soft as if she'll break, says
I can sing this song so blue
That you will cry in spite of you
Little wet tears on your baby's shoulder
Little wet tears on your baby's shoulder

So as the title says... It's Steak and BJ Day... so if you go out there and slaughter a cow and guys go ahead and eat it while someone takes your meat ;) or ladies... go on out and find a cock to gobble on and then eat up a nice juicy steak... :)
Yes this is a mans holiday... however ladies you got your chocolate and romance last month... so... give it up ;)

I have to get out of here...

laterz