"I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other."
Me decorating black tree with silver and blue ornaments
So those who know me well or even just those that pay attention to these ramblings of mine should know that this time of the year generally isn't a good one...
New Black Tree lit up
New Black Tree
With the whole Dark Times...and the winter blahs...and the dislike of Christmas...it all sort of starts to add up and take it's toll on me...and frankly I was worried because of ontop of the usual stuff, is also the fact that I'm dealing with not really having Bing even as a friend anymore...
However... I've been pleasantly surprised by the fact that...it hasn't been as bad as usual...I've managed to send out Christmas cards this year...I've actually gotten some Christmas shopping done for the boys...and been having some good times with some friends...
Now that's not to say I don't have any bad days... I obviously do...but...They've been easier to handle this year...
Green Tree decorated
Green Tree lit up
Heck the kids even talked me into not just putting up one tree...but two...*shakes head*
I ended up purchasing a new Christmas tree this year...a black one that already had lights attached to it...and was just going to put that one up...but after I got that one set up the boys asked about setting up our regular green one as well...*shrugs*
Why not we have the room...so me...the one who never has christmas spirit put two trees up in the same room...lol
Look At Me! I Can Stop!
Last Thursday I went to watch derby practice for a little bit and attend a quick meeting the league was having...after the meeting they announced that this practice was a 'fun skate' and there would hot chocolate and cookies to be shared... Burton asked if I could go home and get my skates so that I too could skate 'funly' around the hall...I could...so I ran home...changed ad got to skate with the league for the first time since I broke my ankle in June...I couldn't stop smiling...it was so awesome to skate with them again... and it was also so awesome the warm reception, encouragement and support that I got from everyone...
I need to stop chewing my mouth guard.
Some would slow down, skate with me and ask me how I was doing or how it felt or just tell me they were happy to see me on my skates again... some would zip past swat my backside and tell me I was looking good...
I was so happy that I wanted to skate for hours...I didn't...but I managed an hour and a half...lol
Burton, Nickle and I all went over to Buffalo the next night and went to a big (relatively speaking) pagan gathering celebrating the solstice...while there I got some henna done on my arm...and danced through the ache I had in my ankle...tried to make Nickle laugh as much as I could since she's having a bit of a rough go at it right now...Invented a new dance while there...possibly a few.... 'I'm a tree....I'm a bush...I'm showing my bush...I'm humping zee bush...I'm a gorilla...' yep all that altogether...awesome dance...
The DRD were there so of course a fun time was had by all.
Today...after paste was all gone
I bought a henna cone so that I could sort of touch up part of my design and maybe do another design another time...but while trying to use it yesterday the seam broke open and it gushed out the side and end of the cone...so I contacted the woman I bought it from and explained what had happened mainly just to give her a heads up...she told me she appreciated the feedback and wanted to send me a replacement...and also thinks she knows what may have happened...mainly that the cones had been sitting under a lamp nearly all night so the henna paste may have gotten too thin from the heat and also that may have affected the seam...
Spiral Dance 2012
So she's asked for my shipping address so that she can send me out a new one right away...very nice of her I may say. :)
We had been talking about how she does Henna parties...I know there's parties for everything nowadays...but totally thinking of doing one...just need to find some people that would be interested in getting together for a night of hanging out, who have 20 bucks and want to get some henna...lol
Most of my friends have 'real tattoos' so dunno if they'd want to...Hell last night while talking to DrunkenMonkey he was all...dude just get a real one...I'm like...dude that takes money and I have commitment issues as it is...lol
Ooooh! I'm also a very happy girl because I finally got to the LCBO (liquor store) and bought a bottle of Mead...and saw some Kraken while there...batted my lashes at the Man...and came home with a bottle of each...ALSO while there I spotted that it now carries the Honey Jack Daniels...OMG...yup...next purchase will be that...and then a bottle of Lucid....(expensive shite I tell you what...) but have always wanted to try it...Yeah apparently my wishlist at the liquor store is longer then my Amazon wishlist...lol
I have a bunch to say today...Hopefully I'll get it all said before I have to take the family for our portrait...
Yesterday a gunman shot up a bunch of kids in a school in Connecticut and a knife wielding man cut down a group of kids in China...
I'm not going to sit here and lament over the problems with violence in the world today...because frankly violence has always been quite prevalent and I'm not saying that in some sort of callous manner to say everyone should just take this as a normal occurrence... I'm just saying there have always been tragedies...reckless abandonment...wars...mindless and senseless violence...that has rocked a world and made the inhabitants go 'whoa...I can't even comprehend the depths of this sorrow filled tragedy'...
The earthlings will take stock of themselves and vow to change the world and make it a better place and how we should have stricter gun laws....how God shouldn't have been taken out of the schools...how maybe if parents loved their kids more...maybe if there was no teen pregnancy...shootings are the presidents fault...
There will be lots of lobbying for anti-gun legislation....there will be religious groups that will be up in arms...
Look at history... there has always been violence...it's in our nature...just the majority of us can keep that part of our nature in check...we sit back and look upon situations like these with horror on our faces... but deep down inside we know that we could do that...if pushed far enough...we could all submit to that level of hatred, anger and malevolence...mowing down anyone in our path... whether with a gun, a knife, a car, or even right down to our bare hands...
We Are Not A Peaceful People.
As much as we reel in horror...I think it makes us stop and think.
I know I have a darkness within that I keep in check... I acknowledge it... I've even let it creep out a little bit over the years to sate it... just to hurt people...not to kill them...and not to physically hurt them (at least not since grade school)... but to make their life difficult...so I could watch them struggle...and have them look to the sky and say 'why me...'
But that's my darkness.
I sat down and watched my FB, statuses just kept scrolling up my screen about how their hearts were breaking... the lack of understanding how this could happen... the accusations... the stories of what happened...
Truly. No one knows what actually happened. At least no one that is still alive. The only person that knows what truly was happening or happened was the guy with the gun. Everything else is speculation...some more educated guesses then others...but all in all still speculation...
Maybe I have finally grown up...and decided to not have an opinion and reaction to everything...maybe I'm just still in 'I don't give a fuck' mode...maybe I'm no longer concerned about the world as a whole and am only interested in my own family...or maybe...I've just calloused...
Or maybe...just maybe...I've realized that I can't fix the worlds problems and that really the only thing I can do...is to try to raise my children in such a way that...they don't hurt the people they love, they consider the feelings of others, they're honest about and with everyone...and that violence should only ever be used as a very last resort...
I know that's not going to fix the world and it's problems... but maybe it could make it just a little bit better.
I had wanted to give an update about how my week has been and my happy moments...but on the tail end of this post...nah...
I love the English language and how wonderfully diverse it can be...however it can also be a fickle, strange, twisted and fucked up mistress...I always thought learning other languages were difficult....having tried to learn and retain as much French, and to also try to learn Spanish...I found/find them difficult...
However, looking at the English language now, especially when the boys have some sort of homework to do, or when they just run across new words that they don't know...sometimes it makes me sit back and go 'hmm' no wonder they find that confusing...
I don't tend to think too much about everyday conversations and the words used...
However, when I'm sitting down to write a letter, an email or some sort of correspondence with someone that I don't know very well...I think long and hard about what I'm saying, how I'm saying it and how it might be perceived...and that's when I definitely make sure that I know what each word means and if they have multiple meanings and how each one could be taken...
I also like to use words that some people assume they know the meaning of...such as the word awful....the 4th definition of the word Awful is full of awe; reverential... most people don't think of that definition...so when used with that in mind as it's meaning it throws people off...
So when you use a word that some depict as a positive thing and it actually can be something not so positive it's more of a backhanded insult and it can be fun to have them thinking that you complimented them when in actuality you just told them you hope they die....
*chuckles*
Fun with words... I love words... they can be the softest sweetest most loving things....or they can be the most vile, evil, heart-wrenching and cruelest things you could ever wield... it all just depends on mood (usually)
And for those literal minded people like myself... word play can be so entertaining...
So much so that no one else is awake yet...I'm sure one of the boys are but they just haven't come down yet because they know that today is the day that is going to prove that the rest of the weekend was awesome...it's cleaning day...
It's funny last night I said to them that we've had fun all weekend and so that should tell them what tomorrow (meaning today) is going to be...The Manchild looked up before I said anything else and said..."I'm only doing my room" really quickly...
I shook my head slowly as I laughed..."No we need to clean the living room so that we can move some furniture around a bit so that we can put up the Christmas tree..."
I have one of those 'lived in houses'...that's what I like to call it....lol
But truly...it's a mess...full of clutter...piles of laundry that go undone...projects started that now lay on a table half done...*shrugs*
For the most part I don't particularly care...There's better things I do with my time then cleaning...I would like to be more motivated to clean...to want to do laundry...to tidy up and make everything 'look nice'...
But really when it comes right down to it I'm lazy...and I'd rather do stuff that's a lot more fun...
Lately...it's been more lazy then fun as I haven't really been able to truly feel like I'm having fun...until...
Yesterday I had some fun...as well as Friday night...
I felt a lot better.
On Friday the Manchild decided that he didn't want to go to his Dad's...said it was going to be too boring there...so...after taking the Boychild to his swimming lessons the three of us, the Man and the Boychild and myself, all went shopping for snacks...that in itself can be a big ordeal at times...we came home with nachos, nacho cheese, pork rinds, brandy beans, mint rosebuds, regular rosebuds, peanut butter type rosebuds, pringles, soya nuts, pistachios, popcorn (made here) and I feel like I'm forgetting something...but anyway...
we can be some pretty serious snackers...lol
When we got back we finished watching the movie Wrath of the Titans...then the kids noticed DrunkenMonkey was online playing Black Ops 2 and challenged him to a couple of games...so got on skype with him...and all of us, except the Man (he just enjoyed watching), took turns playing with DrunkenMonkey...
The Manchild took such pleasure in beating the crap out of him...and the Boychild loves killing him and then walking over to his body and then making his character crouch up and down while calling over to him on skype 'tea bag, tea bag, tea bag...' lol
DrunkenMonkey saw it the one time...and was all 'Duuuude!' so since then Boychild does it with relish...
I ended that night well into the earlier morning playing rock band...realizing that Krammit still has our guitar I had to use the mic...felt good about myself as I kept getting in the 90's for my percentages with the songs I was singing...
Yesterday morning I woke up... and asked the Man if he wanted to Hamilton for my extended family's Christmas party...I originally had RSVP'd that we wouldn't be going,,,mainly because my Mum and my Sister weren't going and because the Manchild was supposed to be at his dad's...
I don't know why it hit me while laying in bed yesterday morning that we should go or that I suddenly wanted to go...so we took the kids out for a nice breakfast at the diner...which it always makes me happy when four of us can go out for a yummy breakfast for under $35...but anyway...we all went out for breakfast I grabbed a couple packs of Christmas cards and came home filled them all out to take with me (including some extras in case I forgot a couple of people)...we got changed and headed out with a couple of stops to Hamilton...
I was a bit nervous truthfully...because up until this trip I had never spent any time with any of these family members without either my mum or my sister being there almost like a buffer...
So I showed up and was intrigued that I had only told 3 people that we weren't coming...and yet...nearly all the actual family members looked surprised as they got there and said 'Hey! I didn't think you were coming?!" as they hugged me...I explained that our other plans fell through and decided at last minute to come up...
If it was a small gathering I probably wouldn't have sprung it on them...but this is a big part of one section of my family...the matriarch is Ruth....and she had Harriet, Heather, Roland, Jack and Glen (twins), Bobby, and Scott... Ruth is my mum's Aunt and her kids are all my mum's cousins...
So a lot of them are my mum's age and younger...and of course they have some kids...and some of them come...they're around my age and a bit younger...and of course...now my generation has kids...so needless to say it's a fairly huge gathering when the majority of us are there...
It was so nice to just get lost in the sea of people who I knew I was safe with...no one there was going to hurt me in any way...and it was a nice place to let my guard down a bit...talked with the older cousins and asked how they've been and had them ask about us...had the comments of how I'm looking great...if I'm lucky I get to see this particular bunch of family once maybe twice a year...
it sucks but at the same time... at least when I see them and they ask 'what's new?' they're asking because they want to know, because sure some of them are on my FB but...they're actually interested...
and only those who are interested actually ask...I have to admit there are one or two people that come to these gatherings who never say a word to me...and...I'm ok with that... lol
I'm always of the mindset that no one remembers me...because I'm easily forgotten...
(this isn't just something that happens when in relationships...it's pretty much an ongoing thing through my entire life)
So it was nice that being there, pretty much by myself and having people that I haven't seen all year asking about specifics in my life... *shrugs*
I think it will continue to surprise me....which is ok...I find it nice.
I felt happy...came home and was sharing a smoke with The Man...I told him I was happy that we went...and it wasn't a lie...there were moments of happiness while there...
You see my family gets together and the guitars come out and the singing ensues...when I was the Manchilds age we would go for xmas at Ruth's house (now it's in a hall due to the size of our family) and we would eat at a huge table down in the basement (biggest room that would hold us in the house) we'd all eat together and after the dishes got cleared away the guitars would come out and the singing would start...
Not Christmas Carols...lol - far from it.... House of the Raising Sun, Proud Mary, Hotel California, Bobby McGee... Classic Rock tunes... that's what my family sings when it gets together...some newer songs get added as the kids of the kids and their kids come up through the years...last night Taylor Swift's song Never Getting Back Together made it to the list...none of the older guys knew the song to sing or to play it on the guitar...and really only two of the girls were willing to sing it...one was about the Boychild's age...around 11 or so...and the other was one of the girls from my generation singing with the younger one to help her confidence of singing in front of the family...as the song went on I couldn't help but join in...so there we were the three of us singing the song in front of the whole family...
It's always so laid back and easy...
Best way to describe it... Easy.
Ties to others are important...even if it's on rare occasions...it's necessary to have those ties to people who love and care about you...
I had my doubts and suspicions about it but after yesterday I know now that he definitely broke me.
I have been having some difficulties when having relations with the Man, which I have written about already...but those have been slowly getting better and going away.
However when committed to Bing I hadn't really gone to any of my 'Friends with Benefits'...mainly because before Bing had been somewhat jealous at times, which because I know that can even be hard to admit let alone hard to handle I was staying away from others out of respect to him...not to say I always did I did meet up with the Major once this last year...
So how do I know that I'm broken?
I went to go see the Major yesterday, we got together to take some pics and some recreational fun...we always have a good time together because both of us are completely blunt, honest and straight forward...we can have conversations about shit that bothers us without the other one taking it to heart or taking it personally...I can talk about what parts of me I'm uncomfortable with so that while we're taking photos he knows...and him saying things like...move this way, it's a little more flattering because of that fold of skin right there...doesn't bother me like it would from some one else...
After taking some photos we had some fun...well... tried too...
I tried to get into it but I wasn't getting lost like I normally would (found that with the Man a few times too)...and as embarrassing as this is to admit...kept drying up...
That's the part that shocked me...the most... I have never in my life had that happen to me before...ever.
So yeah that was disconcerting a bit...I know/knew that I wasn't completely ready to be out playing with others as of yet but sort of wanted to throw myself back into 'the game' so to speak...
I know he didn't do it on purpose...hell probably didn't even realize how much cutting him out would hurt...but it still was him...
I'm glad now that I hadn't taken up someone else I knew on the offer a month ago...if I was having this much of a problem yesterday I can't imagine what last month would have been like.
But anyway... we took some awesome shots yesterday and I really kind of can't wait to share a couple of them...
I won't share too many of them...would hate to weird out Burton...lol
Had pictures taken last night for a Derby Calendar.
So I was putting off this months weigh in because I know that I've been an asshole to myself this past month which means there will be either absolutely no change in anything or if anything there will be a lot of + signs next to my measurements....
That and I still have my dreadfalls in from doing my team picture yesterday for derby...which these dreadfalls definitely add a couple of pounds...lol
well here comes the moment of truth...
Ankles - L 9.5 (+0.5) R 8.75 (+0.75)
Calves - L 15.25 (+0.25) R 15 (-0.25)
Thighs - L 20.5 (-2.5) R 21.5 (-1.5)
Wrists - L 6.25 (+0.25) R 6.5 (+0.5)
Forearms - L 10.25 (+0.25) R 10.5 (+0.5)
Biceps - L 12 (-0.5) R 12 (-0.5)
this one makes me look weird cause I'm all twisted... But I was trying to show off my socks.
Overbust - 40 (same)
Neck - 14 (+0.5)
Weight 170lbs (-1lb)
Ayup...from looking at those figures it truly paid off for me to be an asshole...that is... if I was looking to put on some inches...
What I'm trying to figure out though is, why it is I would lose 4 inches on my thighs but sort of gain everywhere else...I find that rather fascinating...
I'm going to try and be less of an asshole during the holidays...even though I've still been drinking hot chocolate...I can't help it though...ever since I was a little kid...cold weather meant hot chocolate.
so my two 'fuck you asshole' foods are sushi and hot chocolate...lol
So as my day has been shitty all around today I've been trying to hang onto this feeling of contentment I had last night...
I had taken the boys and The Man out for a nice dinner at one of our favourite restaurants...then went and had a nice jovial meeting about boobs...and after that went out for coffee with an old friend of mine...
Boobs Meeting was a meeting for Project B a group of the NRG girls are going to be doing a group shot for the project and wanted to meet the photographer...I've already met him but wanted to go anyway...
Afterwards Piper met me at the bar and we headed over to the Timmies, grabbed a hot chocolate and then went out driving. He doesn't much like the city and we both love music so instead he drove us around...we sat by the canal for awhile, watching a boat go through, then ended up out in the middle of no where next to the lake...and we just put the seats back in the car, played our own version of name that tune/songpop with the mixed cd's he has in the car and just mellowed while watching the clouds pass by the near full moon...
It was really nice... I felt content...just laying back in the car gazing out the window up into the sky...sometimes seeing the stars so bright because of being out of the city...and other times watching this blanket of clouds moving across the sky like this blanket of shaving foam...
No expectations...No nothing... Just Piper and I hanging out... sometimes talking...sometimes not...
Finally rolled in the door at 5 this morning...feeling content....
Woke up this morning (noon) with a strange feeling...apprehension... I wasn't sure why or where it came from...tried to get rid of it...but it wasn't from anything I could pinpoint so I couldn't really get rid of it... so then everything started to crumble away...
So I didn't freak out... I didn't have a fit... I took a deep breath got back on my feet and said ... you've messed with the wrong woman...and you hit like a bitch...
It's when I get calm and thinking clearly that people need to be wary of me...
Really have Piper to thank for taking me out and getting me mellow for the ability to deal with the day I've had today.
I know I said while in Reno that I was there saying goodbye to Bing...and pretty much had every intention to because well I knew that he found May and wanted to pursue things with her...
I was trying to be an adult and step back away from my feelings for him and figured a clean break would likely be the best way...
road to hell is paved with the best of intentions...right?
when Bing said to me at the airport that we'd still talk and he had told me that he didn't want me out of his life...there was that small glimmer of hope that I somehow would find a way that I could for all intents and purposes sort of push him into the 'friend zone' or at least a lot closer then I had him before May came along...
I've not been able to.
I was really kidding myself thinking I could.
Everyday...whether it's his hoodies, his tag, his sweater, jogging pants, t-shirts, toque...I've generally got something of his on and wearing it...who exactly was I kidding...
A couple of weeks ago I asked him if he could send me a shirt back that I had left there. Of course offering to payback any monies he'd be out for shipping it back to me.
As I lay in my bed today curled in a little ball crying after speaking with him I realized that I was no where near close to being able to put him in a friend zone and continue to try to keep any sort of communication with him.
Lately we've not exactly been chatty and I of course get left with the feeling of...when I do talk to him...that I'm bothering him and that he would much prefer to be doing something else...that is when he does and is able to respond...
I had noticed that the only time he would talk with me was while he was at work... so I figured I was just sort of a distraction during his work day... but then it dawned on me... he was only talking to me while at work... probably meaning that was when May wasn't around... so today I finally asked him again if she had moved in... yep... a 'few' weeks after I left... I suppose that's better then the few hours I had predicted originally... so now everything was put into perspective... not willing to speak with me on skype...not really answering my texts on his days off...
If I had of known ahead of time...I likely would have just stopped trying to communicate with him at those times and definitely would have stopped asking him to speak to me... *shrugs*
Well now that I do know...I said I would do those things...
As a matter of fact I will stop bothering him altogether when I get my shirt back.
Twice I've laid myself out there baring it all out for him...stuff I barely have admitted to myself until it comes out when typing...and gotten nothing about it back from him...
I don't want that to happen again...there is nothing like exposing yourself completely to someone and having the equivalent of someone just standing there staring at you...you suddenly feel like a fool very quickly...
He doesn't understand what it is I go through on a daily basis...really no one does as I tend to keep it to myself...the deep dark stuff...and really I feel as if he doesn't care what it is I'm thinking, feeling or doing...for if he did...he'd ask...right?
Isn't that what people who love you do... they ask about you, about your life, about your health and family and everything?
That's what I do with my friends...the internet doesn't hold all the answers...not to that stuff...if it did then people would be a lot more honest...they wouldn't just say I'm ok... or everything is fine...
When I ask people how everything is and how they're doing it's because I care about them and really want to know...I don't care about or love many people... so when I do ask, it's because you might just be one of the very few people I do love.... and I want to know what's going on in your life and how you are down to your very soul...
People aren't like me... I'm finding this out every day...
When I told Bing today that I would fade away after I got my shirt back...he told me I was being melodramatic... I figured I'd just let him in on what I expected to happen and what I would be trying to do after I received my shirt back...
I was trying to be honest and up front.
I believe melodramatic would have been if I wailed...threw my arms in the air at the announcement that May and her (at least one) daughter was now living in a house that I really considered a home to me, proclaim that I just couldn't take another day of this loss and loneliness and that I was shedding this mortal coil and going to throw myself in front of an oncoming train in my finest dress after having eaten a very expensive meal...
That... I would think would me being melodramatic...*shrugs*
Me saying I'd leave him alone... well not alone alone...but...bah whatevs...
Any way...didn't really think that was being melodramatic...
I know guys aren't exactly known for being emotional or touchy feely or talking about how they're feeling... but just once I wish he'd let the guards down and tell me...you know...what he thinks/feels about what I've told him I'm going through...
damn him to hell for being able to just stow his shit and appear to be so unaffected by anything and everything...
Like I've said before...I'd like to be able to have the type of relationship I have with DrunkenMonkey with Bing...where we can talk about anything or nothing...have fun just shooting the shit...DrunkenMonkey has a girlfriend...she's alright with us talking...*shrugs*
I guess this time the Stones had it correct when they said you can't always get what you want...but I just might find...I'll get what I need... and in this case... I think I need to keep my crying...depressed...can't get him out of my head or heart...sad and lonely feeling self away from him...
That way I'm not making him feel bad, or sad, or guilty or anything...that way he can think of me when he wants to...not when I pop up in his phone...or he can just forget about me...that would probably be even better...
I've decided I want a tattoo...no news there... but it's what I want as the tattoo that I want... I wish I had it in Bing's handwriting but I guess I'll have to suffice with it in some other font...would be so much better if I could get him to write it out though and send it to me on a piece of paper...
...just a girl on the other side of another country...
Lots of people use tattoos as a release as well as a symbol of something important or big that happened in their lives...I did...my first one was...and even the ones on my feet...are symbols to me...
And that would be much more meaningful to me then just some random piece of flash work from an artists wall...
I just want to feel something...anything...besides pain and sadness.
I sent (the photographer) The Major a text the other day asking if he'd be interested in any black and white artsy type photos of the embodiment of sorrow...I could totally nail those at the moment...he said yeah...so when I see him next I think we'll definitely talk some more about those...they won't be pretty but then again...it's another form of release...
because God knows I'm not handling this the right way with scarfing down pizza and soda in order to have some sort of comfort food when I'm feeling really down...
I went to bed annoyed last night...simple reason...I asked a simple yes or no question and got no response...I don't mean...'like omg you didn't answer me within 5 minutes..'.I'm not one of those people but holy fuck a simple yes or no within the next oh I don't know three fucking hours isn't too much to fucking ask...at least I didn't think it was...but wtf ever...
So went to bed annoyed-ish...
Laid in bed reading...had just turned off the nook and put it down...got all comfortable and was just about asleep (or just asleep...) when the brain goes..wtf is that the phone?
Eyes fly open in realization...as I try to crawl over The Man...without stepping on the dog in the blackness that is our room...I glance at the clock while nakedly trying to open the door and notice that it's 4:07am...run nakedly to the living room (phone still ringing) pick it up... and hear dial tone...
Now I do have to say that while all this is happening the Manchild isn't home...it's the weekend...therefore he's at his father's so my first thought is omg he's in trouble...then next thought is omg The Man's mother is calling because something is wrong with his step father....then omg it's my mother there's something just wrong...and then somewhere in the stupid ridiculously hindered (because I've been told I'm not allowed to use the word retarded ever) part of my brain some little teeny fucking tiny retarded (fuck you, using it anyway) thought bubble is born that says..hey maybe it's Bing... REALLY?? Srsly?! fuck you brain!
So after hanging up and realizing that it was none of those people I check the voice mail...nope nada...oh and the call display had said Private Number...so it's not like I could call it back and say 'hey wtf it's 4am?!'
Go back to the bedroom grab the housecoat drop the phone off in case whatever big emergency that was calls back...grab a smoke and go outside to calm the eff down out on the cold porch where I'm now berating my brain for being so stupid...
Come back in...tiptoe back around the mammoth sleeping dog and crawl over the naked sleeping man...get back under the covers curling up to said naked man...and start to drift peacefully back to sleep...where apparently this time the cat has decided to give me a big 'fuck you...how dare you run around the house naked at 4am...I want to go upstairs...' by sitting outside of our bedroom door and yowling while trying to open the door to go upstairs with his nails...(rinse and repeat that a couple of times)
Yell at the cat...big sigh...try to go back to sleep...just about asleep when cat then decides...well maybe it was just the yowling that was bothering her and goes back to trying to open the front door to go upstairs...
Curse out cat in languages I'm not even sure I know...roll over to my other side to try to snuggle in to go to sleep...suddenly I feel like the ceiling is about to cave in on my head because now it's 8am and the Boychild...apparently waited too long before slipping out of his warm bed to go to the bathroom...and has now thrown himself from his bed and done some sort of acrobatic rolling maneuver with a spring landing over my head (upstairs) to get to their bathroom where he then has flung himself onto the toilet and when finished flushed it the loudest it has ever possibly been flushed...then does some sort of cirque du soliel spring, jump, leaping thing to get down the stairs and through the door to our part of the house so that he may claim 'mine!' to my computer in the living room to get his minecraft fix...
I blink, sigh...roll over and try to go back to sleep...muttering something about chaining him to his bed tonight...
Sleep finally starting to peacefully come over me (it's now taking a bit longer each time)...
Then comes the most disgusting sound a dog can make...and no I'm not actually talking about farting...dog owners should understand this one... the sound that comes from a dog when they're chewing on something or themselves with vigor... not so bad from a little dog....from 100 lb dog with a big mouth and no sense of being quiet...
Obviously something was literally biting his ass today...
Yell at Zuulie to stop biting...start to fall asleep again...yell at him to stop scratching....start to fall back to sleep...yell at him to stop biting....start to... well you get the picture...
Off goes the alarm clock...now it's 9:30am...Man mumbles about what time it is because he just got up turned it off and fell back into bed...
Yeah I got that hon thanks.
Mom's yelling so that must mean she's awake..."Mum...you have two new messages on your cell..." as Boychild walks in carrying my cell...sigh... 'thanks kid...make sure you're dressed and have had breakfast Auntie will be here within the next hour...' tell kid to take dog and put him in his crate...he hears 'let dog out...' and then proceeds to allow him to run about the living room and up and down the hall outside the bedroom
Alarm goes off again...Man gets it...falls back into bed where I'm now trying to forcibly make myself get some semblance of sleep...man tries to curl up sort of throwing an arm over me...to which I respond with 'please don't touch me'...as I squinch together my eyes real tight in the hopes of maybe getting some sleep which I know at this point is hopeless
Man gets up...goes to take dog out for his morning walk...comes back in tells Boychild that Auntie is indeed now here...
Boychild comes in to hug and kiss me before he leaves...I hear The Man outside talking to my sister and the dog going a bit nutso...heave a heavy sigh and realize...I am not getting anymore fucking sleep...
so everything has become stupid this and fucking that...because my vocabulary when sleep deprived and angry...not as impressive...
example...to The Man "Could you get me a fucking bottle of water and one of those stupid antibiotics?"
yep...highly intelligent this morning...
oh and somewhere in there I sent a text or two to my sister and to the Major...ay yi yi
The day had better get better... all these things separate are fine on their own...but when they all happen in the same fucking 5 hour period of time...fuck you world...you're lucky I don't own a gun...
I'm on some pretty heavy duty antibiotics at the moment...throat/chest infection... I'm down to just a cough now...
Burton and I had said the other day that we were going to stop being assholes to ourselves...
Yeah...the next day I was starving while out shopping and lo and behold ate a quarter pounder at McRaunchy's....oh was I sorry about that...
What people don't realize is that...once you've stopped eating grains (especially wheat) and then try to eat it again...it will do funny things to your body...such as either give you a stomach ache, give you the shits, give you a headache or...the one that I hope for when I do decide to be a fucking asshole...is I'll literally get high...
Yep I found out about it just before I went away to Reno... that there are endorphins that are released in your stomach (which explains comfort foods/emotional eating) that when you eat certain things will give you a high...and gluten is one of those things that will give you this almost runners high... so now when I'm feeling all bummed and all sorry for myself and want to do bad things I try to find the food that'll get me high... one of them I found out while I was in Reno...was the SMEGG...(Sausage and Egg McMuffin)... apparently the english muffin will make me high... lol
Cuts down on the cost of getting high...
however...still has other nasty side effects...
So what I've done to myself is entirely my own fault... I ate all sorts of shit food...and got so stuffed up...I literally get all sorts of 'allergic reactions' now to the shit food...so...got so stuffed up that I made myself sick...
So now I'm having to take meds 3 times a day to get rid of the infection I brought on myself...
meh...
I deserved it.
However...I do need to make myself better before next Wednesday...have to go see the photographer...and also meet up with another photographer for the Project B...think we're going to talk about the group shot...so no photos that day with him...but in the day time will be doing a couple of hours of picture taking...
Don't want to go there all puffy eyed and red nosed...(well thankfully my nose hasn't been all stuffy today)...
On the plus side... I got to watch The Man and DrunkenMonkey play Black Ops 2 together... at first I was all '...d'aw this is the first time you two have ever done anything together...' but then I got all '...muahaha hunt him down and shoot 'im in the head'... lol
So I watched and cheered as The Man sniped, killed and assisted in killing DrunkenMonkey...and then laughed when he killed The Man a couple of times...
Yep I'm an asshole who apparently is easily entertained....lol
Went to see Dr Awesome last week... told him about some of my aches and pains that I was having...and also asked him if he could take a 'look' at my ankle...
He told me about a very rare syndrome I have that not very many people experience and after telling me what it is I completely understand why not many people experience this...
it's called 'Shrinking Syndrome'... lmao
People will feel the affects of their body trying to realign itself after losing a whole bunch of weight...some will get it in their shoulders...some will get it in their hips...apparently I'm getting it in both...because when you lose weight from your bottom half it comes off both the front and the back...so your hips get a little confused and then especially for women when losing weight up top it's generally just in the front...so the shoulder muscles start wondering what the fuck happened...so need to keep doing my stretches to keep putting myself back together...
Dr Awesome, since he is pretty much legally blind, was an awesome pick to check out my ankle first...he did most of it by feel. Also he has many plates and screws himself and has had to deal with this sort of stuff himself. At first when I told him what I thought was happening he didn't seem to think that's what was happening... but then by the look on his face as he was feeling around my ankle and feeling the plate and where it was and then feeling the lump that I think is a screw he was of the same opinion and told me to call the surgeon so that I could get some xrays and really find out what's going on...
There is a small lump above the swelling that's hard to see in this pic and that of course is where the screw head is.
Now he said that the worst that could happen is that they give me a local in my ankle make a small incision and he gets out his trusty screwdriver to take the screw out right in the office... however I think the worst thing that could happen is I find out that the screw is coming out, there's small fractures around the plate and I have to get a cast because my being on it is causing it to not heal properly...but ya know that's just off the top of my head...
Am I freaking out a bit? Yes!
Am I going to stop? No, probably not... Not until I go to my appointment tomorrow and find out what's what...
But while talking about health stuff... here's an interesting little something... my knuckles... (two index fingers and one middle finger) have finally fully healed after me tearing them to shit while at Bing's house on his punching bag...however... I now have three more scars to add to the collection of scars I have on my hands and knuckles...
hrm... I wonder if Bing would let me rent a room off of him for a week just so I could use his punching bag.. totally stay out of his way...wouldn't even know I was there...I'd get some peace and quiet...a lovely setting...and a punching bag to take any and all aggressions out on... lmao... I'm thinking No...
He's probably getting used to the idea of not hearing from me...let alone seeing or hearing me...
Meh...anyway...
I've made myself sick with my not giving a fuck... off the top of my head what I can name this last week that I've eaten that I shouldn't...
chocolate bars, deep fried pickles, pizza, timbits, hot chocolate...
Yeah not exactly sticking to my diet there...and therefore have given myself headaches, allergy symptoms as well as a sore throat...though that could be due to smoking...*shrugs*
I should care and I should stop as well...but meh...
I've even asked a couple of people how do you start caring again...they didn't know...
Apparently Squasha was down visiting and for some reason laundry service from his hotel brought his underpants and watch over while I was asleep and hung up (yes on a hanger) his underpants just inside my door.
After a little while suddenly Squasha stumbled through the door naked and yanked his underpants off the hanger and started to get dressed right there in the front entry way.
When I asked him what was up and why he was stumbling he said that he had just got back from a dentist's appointment and he was still really woozy and half of his face was still frozen.
So I offered to drive him and his rental car back to the hotel and The Man was to follow in my car.
They agreed and Squasha also offered that his friend was waiting for him at the hotel and that she'd make sure that he was fine for the rest of the evening.
Walked Squasha into the hotel and up to his room giving him a hug and a good luck in the hallway just before the door opened and there to my huge surprise was May (yes, May...as in Bing's new girlfriend). She looked all worried and hug Squasha without seeing me at first, probably good since the look on my face was one that shouldn't be seen by any. When she did see me finally she tried to conceal her look of surprise and guilt and started to say something, but I just put up my hand and walked back downstairs not listening.
I heard a party going on in one of the ballroom's of the hotel and it sounded very much like drumming, like DRD drumming. So I popped open the door as if I were supposed to be there and filed through the crowd, as I got to the stage area the DRD stopped and said they'd be back after a short break.
I went to say hi to them but a woman stepped in front of me and did one of those OMG! I haven't seen you in a long time type yells and action as she put her arms out to hug me. However, it was one of the derby girls (Assassin) whom I'd just seen the night before...she was really drunk.
As I was stepping away from her Utu walked up to me and said hello as we hugged. We hugged and hugged, he scooped me up, lifting me up and placing me down so that I could sit on top of a table and continue hugging him. He made no move to stop or withdraw from the hug and actually put my legs around his waist so that I was hugging him completely.
I could feel at that moment all tension draining out of me and I started to smile, a real one. All he said as I started to smile (even though he couldn't see it) was 'Now isn't that better?'
Just as I was about to answer, Bing walked in, gaze immediately finding mine over Utu's shoulder and he started to make a beeline directly for us (since Utu was still standing there hugging me) and in a low voice and a really nasty look all he said was 'What the fuck is going on?' Utu stood up and sighed as all tension came flooding back into me, Utu kissed my cheek and walked away. Leaving me sitting on top of a table nearly as tall as Bing, with Bing standing right in front of me looking angry. I just shook my head and said "I told you."
I was holding it together until The Man said... "Are you alright?"
*chuckles*
Tonight I made it 4 and a half episodes of My Little Pony before starting to tear up...
Yep I'm a ridiculous twit. *le sigh*
At least The Man doesn't make fun of me about it... he gives me a lil smile, nods and says "I know"
*shakes head*
I came home last year from Reno with a new appreciation and love for both the Power Puff Girls...and My Little Pony Friendship is Magic...
and because of watching it with Bing and watching a sort of parody/fun redo of it called Friendship is Witchcraft (this year)... it just reminds me of him...
I have a plushie of Rainbow Dash to remind me of all our fun and good times...and left him with a Pinkie Pie to do the same... (apparently I do things that remind him of Pinkie Pie sometimes...think it was my randomness at times)...
so I've not been able to make it all the way through the second season because I just tend to think about him too much and get really verklempt...so I was pretty happy that I had made it through 4 episodes...
maybe when I get to season 3 it won't be quite as bad...and maybe with each following season I'll be able to just smile a little and remember how I watched the first season and it was fun and not get sad...
"I remember feeling so sad when you broke your ankle, you were so enthused and raring to go about roller derby. I remember you were one of the first ones to get different wheels for your skates. Those bright blue ones that look like gummy bears, they're all clear but bright blue. I hope you can get back on your skates soon."
A quote from one of the girls at the 80's themed derby prom we had last Saturday. It was a lot of fun. I believe I had a good time. There seems to be a lot of pictures of me smiling or laughing. I don't really remember outwardly being happy though.
The Man came home the night before. I'm glad he did. I'm sure he was sick of hearing me crying on the phone from 5 hrs away. I wasn't ready to be on my own with the kids yet. The facade falls away after they go to bed.
So because he was home we had to run around and find him an 80's themed outfit for the prom. He looked a lot different. In high school he was the guy that pretty much started the emo movement long black trench coat, black silk shirt, black jeans, black docs... so to see him do this look...way fun... and even though he isn't wearing the eye liner any more...he's still rocking the hawk with the bushy beard...it's kind of awesome the things he'll do for me.
Burton was my date for the evening and we kept telling every one that The Man was our taxi driver. Unfortunately The Man wasn't thinking that night and didn't get a pic of Burton and I dancing together.
One thing that definitely was interesting to watch was all the latent lesbianism come seeping out as the party goers got more and more drunk. I agree with Burton... She said one of the reasons she wouldn't do anything with anyone from derby is it seems that they require to be drunk to do it.
Also I know I could be a very big drinker...but when we all get together to party whether it's the end of the year function or after parties...these derby girls sure know how to pack away the booze.
I was glad to see that Leethal came out that night...she busted her right ankle pretty badly the Monday before. I felt bad that she did. I broke my fib when I went down in June but she did both her fib and tib...I definitely can understand her pain.
Freshmeat training started this past Monday...bit sad that I couldn't be there skating with them...
Even though I got the doctors note saying I could go back to training in a non-full contact role...my ankle's been bugging me enough to make the right decision and stay off of it longer. I may still go to the Rainbow Rink in the states to do a bit of skating, but not on a weekly basis or anything. I'll be seeing how I'm feeling about it in the new year and hopefully get back to practice.
I was talking to one of the girls on Saturday about some of the reactions I've gotten about me getting back on my skates, and just sort of shook my head. If people don't skate or derby, they just don't get it, they don't get the addiction to it, they don't get the awesomeness you feel while doing it. No amount of trying to explain it to them will ever get them to understand. It's like how Burton loves loves loves the endurance portion of training, even I think she's nuts but I at least understand.
The amount of fucks I don't give are going to slowly start killing me again...
Been a few times now in the last month that I've had breads or starches...and even though I keep waking up miserable and my pains are coming back... I can't seem to force myself to care...
I was going to do a bigger post about what's been going on with life but really... again... can't seem to get myself to care enough to do it...
I'm not back to skating... I'm not back to working out... I'm not any richer then I was before... I'm not smoking any less...
My motivation that kept me going before is gone... I know I'm supposed to keep myself motivated but... *shrugs*
I hardly do anything just for myself...
When the reason I was doing it all stopped ... I just stopped... and now... I couldn't really give a fuck if I wanted too...
Ok so this last month was full of stress and food I'm not supposed to eat so this morning when getting out of bed I wasn't looking forward to this mornings weigh in and measurement taking...
That I wasn't sure of the differences between my wii balance board and Bing's scale... so yeah...
Ankles - L 9 (+0.5) R 8 (same)
Calves - L 15 (same) R 15.25 (+0.25)
Thighs - L 23 (+1.5) R 23 (+1)
Wrists - L 6 (-0.25) R 6 (same)
Forearm - L 10 (same) R 10 (same)
Biceps - L 12.5 (-0.25) R 12.5 (same)
So overall not a whole lot of changes...but better then I had thought originally so I guess I'm happier with the results then I thought I was going to be...
So those who know me know that I love my breasts...
Since I started getting them I've been kind of partial to them... lol
Anyway... While I was in Reno I saw one of the girls from derby post about Project B...
A photographer who is raising awareness for breast cancer through photography.
~Five years ago, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. Due to this, she had to undergo a mastectomy and luckily, was able to fight off the disease and I am thrilled to say that she is still alive today. But this disease is rampant and many many many women are not as fortunate. I had a dream back then to try to do something about it. To attempt to do my part. To do something in honour of
my mother, and for women everywhere.
I decided that I would use my photography, and begin a project of art, full of love, and beauty. A project to show the purity and image of normal women from all walks of life, baring themselves in protest to this disease, with courage and humility. A piece of timeless art with an elegance in the face of cancer. I encourage you to like this page, and join us in this process as we grow this project huge!~
So a couple of the girls from the league have decided to help out with the project and I've decided to do it too.
I'll be meeting with the photographer on Friday to discuss the project, my photo shoot and look over the paperwork.
I'm actually kind of excited about it...
One of the derby girls has just survived breast cancer and been given the clear to skate again...I've had many people close to me effected by cancer...family...friends...teachers...
I've raised money by doing the walks...I wanted to do something different this time.
With hurricane Sandy on her way to come and blow us around... she's the last thing I need right about now...
blah and apparently I'm not going to get this written until the dog gets taken outside...here's to hoping we don't get blown away...
alright so now that the dog has gone out and we didn't blow away I can finish this...or start it even...
besides myself I have two other friends that are in the path of this hurricane... DrunkenMonkey and Roo... as well as Burton and the Nerd headed out this morning and are driving to Salem Mass... bit worried about all of them and hope that they all fair well through this...thankfully two have checked in to say they're doing alright...though Sandy hasn't quite made landfall yet...
gotta love hurricane season... have had more rain in the last few days then I've seen in the last few months...
so on top of weather watching...and while I still have power...figured I'd give an update on last week...it went by quickly and was a bit hectic...
Last Sunday (the 21st) was Darrel's 'Celebration of Life'...I found out about his passing while I was in Reno and after grieving our loss I had gotten worried that I would miss any funeral/memorial arrangements that would be made... Bing was really sweet about the whole thing and even asked me if I wanted to fly back sooner so that I didn't miss it...if it occurred while I was still there...as much as I loved Darrel and will miss him...I didn't want to give up my time with Bing...thankfully it happened after I got home... it was tough...I felt most for Konga going through the day and gave him lots of hugs...realizing then that I don't get to see him nearly enough and should find a way to rectify that...so that one day I'm not at his service saying how much I wished I could have spent more time with him...I already do that too much with someone else...and now Darrel as well...
I was really tired at the memorial because really early that morning I had taken my sister and 3 of her co-workers to the airport over in Buffalo...I realized halfway back to the border that, that was the first time I had been driving over there by myself...I mean while in Georgia I had gone out for drives (in our awesome rental) but the Man was still in the area...and even when I took Bing's car out by myself I was never really that far away from the house...I dunno all my life going into Buffalo I was usually with someone else...it's weird that it had enough significance to me that it came to mind...
My sister jokingly said when I dropped them off 'Now...turn around and go back over the bridge and go home...' like I was thick in the head or something...I quirked a brow and looked at her...she just smiled and said 'no driving the van to Nevada...' I just smirked and shrugged 'not enough gas or gas money for that...' and told her to have a good trip...
After the memorial I came home and got changed because Burton and I were headed up to Hamilton to go to the pagan pub moot...the Dragon Ritual Drummers were playing...and frankly that made me very happy...because I need to dance out some frustrations...and need to grieve...and was able to do just that...thankfully I have long hair so when a few tears sprang to life while dancing about my hair became a curtain...
had sent Bing a message at the end of that night asking if we could talk on Wednesday because I knew what kind of week I'd be having... especially Wednesday...
Monday I had to drive down to Fort Erie for a doctors appointment to talk to him about my ankle. Not exactly the appointment I was hoping for... he started making a no noise at me when I told him what I wanted and he checked to see how long I'd been off my skates...I was like 'dude...don't make that noise at me..' so he told me that with an injury such as the one I got and the fix I got for it he would be suggesting a mandatory year off of my skates...I wanted to cry...he shook his head...and talked him into giving me a note for 'not full contact' ... he suggested that I go back and talk to the otho...because 'it's his nuts and bolts in your leg...' but the ortho pretty much signed me over to my GP... I've had others telling me I should go see a sports doc specialist...
But he gave me the note saying I could go back for training purposes...so I was a bit happy about that.
Tuesday night I found myself making my way back over to Buffalo airport again...and by Tuesday night I mean Wednesday morning...
Wednesday I went to the gyno doc to get my test results back and find out what all the extra bleeding was...apparently nothing...came back everything was negative and normal and the ultrasound showed no issues inside and no one living in there... huge relief that there's no issues...and I'm sure it was a huge relief to Bing that there were no occupants...I had a pang but it went away...
It was that day that I realized just once and for all that (or so I thought) that yep it was final I wouldn't see Bing again.
The girls had me go with them over to North Tonawanda to the skating rink...I was really nervous but I laced up my skates and put on my knee pads and wrist guards...just in case...I lasted about an hour on my skates...taking it easy...I stopped when I realized that I was starting to limp on my skates and when just pushing off for a glide was causing me to wince a bit...so I sat and listened to the music and watched the others.
I realized the other day that speed has a very euphoric effect on me...could be driving fast which I do love...or skating...although it's almost like flying when skating...it's hard to describe the sensation but it is addictive...and for a split second when I first started skating again I couldn't help but think that at that moment skating was better then sex...
So then I came home to find out that no talking to Bing...but he had suggested Friday instead...I was a bit put out because I had really wanted to talk to him...especially about my doctor's appointments since he had said he was so concerned about my health...
Thursday I went to Krammit's doctors appointment with her...she went to see Dr Awesome...it was a good visit...he's told her she needs to go on a similar diet to mine...she came back to the house and visited with us for a few...I was really tired and bummed from the night before so I wasn't the greatest company...
After she left I headed over to the shop to see Lock and talk to her about my training and the note I got from the doctor to see what could be done with me... she said that it was alright with her if I came out to practice and just did some straight skating for however long I could take it...just have to give my note to the HR girl...
So went to practice that evening and talked to the HR girl and it seems as soon as I send her my note I'm a go to come back. I'm only worried because the hall we're practicing at has slippery floors...all the girls have commented on it...so I'll just have to take my time.
Friday...hmm...oh right...Friday I contacted Bing to talk to him...couldn't do any face time with him because he was doing OT at work (he said maybe Saturday...that didn't happen...)...got him all caught up it seems on the majority of stuff...he seemed in good spirits which made me happy...he was glad that health-wise I'm doing well...he apparently was sorry that I'm not exactly doing 'okay' otherwise...
I mean I don't understand why...why am I not doing okay yet...?
I don't... still trying to get over the fact that he loves me....he misses me...he still 'wants' me...he worries about me... and yet... for the most part... won't talk to me...
I'd love to have a huge ego and think OMG he misses me so much that it'll cause him emotional pain to hear my voice... yeah I'm not that dumb or deluded...
I admitted something pretty big on Friday...and he just told me to stop being ridiculous... *shrugs* I wasn't trying to be ridiculous...I was just trying to be honest...
Friday there was a couple more aha moments of yeah I won't see Bing again while we were chatting...there was a couple of times that I typed in 'next time' only to catch it and backspace quickly before I sent that to him...it really doesn't feel like it...you know...it doesn't feel like that was the last time...but I can't start to have hope for seeing him again...hope is evil.
Friday was also the first time I had been intimate with the Man since I got home...mainly due to the bleeding issue...or at least so I thought... it was nice to feel close to him like that... I generally take a little bit to get back into the swing of things here with us...it's nothing out of the ordinary...I've made comments in the past about being a skittish horse at times... (tongue in cheek since my Chinese zodiac I'm an earth horse)
Saturday...got all dressed up and went down to one of the derby girls' house for the most awesome hallowe'en party of them all...she and her hubs put on a very good time... pics surfacing on FB all over the place...
This would have to be my favourite pic...but mainly because of Anonymous just lounging back on the couch taking it all in...just proves that Anon is always watching...just this time he's watching The PenalizeHer and myself look like Tards....lol
It was a really great party and The Man and I had a great time...it was nice to hang out with Derby people away from derby...and nice to see the Nerd since I haven't seen him in awhile...
He was telling me about his upcoming adventures...I told him I was going to sneak into his luggage when he heads to Vegas again...so he should be prepared to pay the 'overweight' baggage fee...
The party was definitely the best distraction I could have ever asked for...and I totally didn't even get wasted...had a couple of drinks...did a shot with Leethal and with PenalizeHer..so yeah...couple drinks and a couple of shots...was feeling a bit buzzed...
Yesterday (Sunday) was just sort of recovery day...not because we were hungover...mainly just because it really doesn't feel like I've had two moments to breathe since coming home...
Last night was a late night for no other reason then just wasn't tired... (here comes the TMI portion of the post)
I was laying here in bed reading when The Man's fingers started walking and saying hello...it was nice...and everything was chugging along quite nicely and we started getting all intimate and I was having a great time with it...until suddenly...out of what seemed like the middle of nowhere...I burst out into tears and started bawling...like out and out sobbing... *sighs*
I felt like such an ass...I think at first The Man thought he had hurt me...but that wasn't it at all...
I admit to have read the Twilight series of books...and I believe it's in the second one when Edward feels that Bella would be better off and leaves her...she at first goes into a deep depression but then when she starts going back to some what normal she finds that anything she does that is reckless or life endangering she hears Edward's voice telling her not to do what ever she's doing or to stop or what not...in the movie she sort of sees him as well but I'm sure that was just for affect...
I add that admission in there because that's almost sort of what I experienced last night...
On the last night that I was in Reno Bing had made love to me and it was sweet and great and so many other descriptive words that are eluding me at the moment...and it was much different then any other sex we had had while I was there and it just held a whole lot of meaning in it for me...hopefully him as well...it seemed to...and during it he ever so softly whispered to me I Love You...the emotion in that made me shudder because it answered something for me...
So with that all being said... last night I heard that i love you all over again at the most inopportune time and I was sort of knocked sideways by that... hearing him and being with The Man.. and yeah...
I just felt like such an asshole afterward...there's so much more to it then that but that's all I'm really willing to fess up to at the moment and even said this much hesitantly...
I'm not alright yet.
I don't think I will be for awhile...we had a lot of history together...lots of ups and downs...and while still here there's lots of memories...
Another Bing song it seems...there's about 4 or 5 of them now that I hear and immediately think about him...the two biggies are One More Night and Some Nights (this one)...
Damn me for listening to lyrics...lol
So yeah...that's about where I'm at, at the moment...
Some days are easier then others...sometimes I can go hours without thinking about Bing... some times I amaze even myself with how much emotion I feel toward him... I don't think even I realized how much I was in love with him... not exactly something I can turn off but... for now I'll have to cover it up...sweep it under the proverbial rug...and trudge on...
All the power is in his hands. I suppose it always has been. *nods*
I'm not looking forward to my weigh in... I've not really exercised enough since I've been back...and due to some unforeseen issues I've not been eating quite as well as I should have been...but now that I'm back to knowing that I'm healthy and in need of a distraction...I'll be hitting the gym full force again....
So I won't be too discouraged if I gained some weight since I've been back.
This is my disclaimer, this is the only warning you get... You don't like what you read in my blog, I don't give a flyin' squirrel - These are my thoughts, I own them and you will not censor me! You don't like what I have to say, then by all means click the lil X in the top right corner.
