Nope, I'm not alright.

You never know if you never try... To forgive your past and simply be mine

I have no idea what I talked about in the last post... because well I just didn't take the time to look to see what I had written about... I know that I haven't said too much lately because I've just not been feeling up to saying anything...

I will start off this post by saying I'm an idiot... for oh so many reasons but this time is because I screwed up big time with my pills and have been feeling wonky because of it... my pills are supposed to help my hormone levels stay balanced... but when I forget to take them for three days because of the excitement of an upcoming event...and then try to compensate by taking the three days worth at once... oy vey... so I took the three pills and within an hour I felt so sick...and was so out of whack... went to bed and had real bad night sweats... woke up so terribly irritable and some other emotion that I can't quite put my finger on... and ended up picking a fight with Big Daddy... yeah...that was worth it...*sigh*

Anytime I have an issue with something he's done he pretty much just gets the attitude of 'well then get rid of me if you don't like it' ... *sigh*  I think he's pretty much done with me... I suppose it was only a matter of time... everyone tires of me eventually...
He's become uncommunicative again... and when he does respond he's pretty much being a sarcastic bastard or just barely speaking in sentences... hell I had to make an appointment with him just to get him to talk to me... I just wish he'd fucking do something about his depression... he knows about it, acknowledges it and even uses it as an excuse...

I went to a craft show last weekend and was really disappointed at the fact that absolutely none of my stuff sold...oh wait... that's not entirely true...I had 7 lil bracelets all marked at 50 cents each... yeah... they sold... so woo hoo a big 3.50$ ... I was not impressed in the least... I was trying very hard not to be discouraged and sad... those around me were trying to be supportive and all saying the same things... 'it was your first show' .... 'you'll do better next time' .... blah blah blah doesn't make me feel any better...

bah... I have nothing else productive to say... not that anything I actually wrote is productive in any way... but fuck it...

But You're in Canada. Did they leave a nice apology note?

is it ok to cry now? I'm all by myself again so it would be the time to do it, right?

I could sit here and whine and complain about Big Daddy... but... I'm starting to feel like it's just not worth it anymore... I'm tired of trying to convince him... I'm tired of all the onesided-ness... I'm tired of feeling ignored... I'm tired of being left wondering... I'm tired of feeling like I'm forcing him... I'm feeling really drained and like I'm the only one that wants this... I'm just really tired.
I'm in a funk...he's in a funk... and it just feels like there's nothing I can do about it...

the last day has been crap.

we came home from my mum's and parked the truck in the drive and came in the house... the plan was that the Man was going to get a few hours of sleep and then head back up north to his moms house for the rest of the week to finish up getting the wood...he was leaving so early because his step-father had a doctors appointment today...

He woke up earlier then expected and figured he'd leave at 1am since he was wide awake... so he got all of his stuff ready and went to go get into the truck to leave and realized that the console of the truck was open... after looking around more he realized that there was stuff missing... so between the time we got home 7:30pm and the time he went out at 1am to leave...someone had broken into the truck... and they stole... the gps unit, the user manual for the truck, his wallet, all the change in the console, his mom's cell phone, a gift my mum was sending with him for his mom, and his step father's lil black case with some of his id in it...

*sighs*

so calling the police to report the break-in at 1 am... and come to find out that all they do is give you an incident number and tell you that someone will be in touch in the next 2 to 5 days... oh great.

this morning was spent on the phone telling his mother and step-father...going to the bank to get a new bank card, going to the MTO building to get a new health card, get a new drivers licence...

so we get home after doing all of that and he was only planning on being here for a few minutes to pick up his stuff, call his mother and leave again... in the maybe half hour that we were here... we got a fucking parking ticket in our own driveway... wtf? the back end of the truck apparently was hanging over the sidewalk... how dare we block the sidewalk for 30 mins in the middle of the day...*sighs*

open the mail and (yay got a pic of Burton and the Nerd with a thank you card) we find our hydro bill...eek! and also a letter from the government saying that they want copies of our rent receipts because of going over our taxes again...what??

so today...seems like a Monday disguised as a Tuesday... and frankly after all of this and feeling so low already...I just want to cry...  

dare I say it but..I think I'm damn near perfect for you...

I'll post about Thanksgiving when it's over...which is later on today...

I have to sit and wonder  after a conversation that was had last night...if people ever feel like they're good enough for the ones they're with...

we all have our flaws and faults...we all have those little things we wish we could either make go away or that we could minimize so that we seem more 'normal' to the ones we care deeply for...

then I suppose there are some of us that when get called on our shit we nod and apologize bashfully as we try to remember to not do that again...

I've always tried to be a more 'take me as I am' kind of girl so that there's not a whole lot of surprises to make the other person look at me and go 'wtf that's not what I signed up for?'

One of the things...my things...my little faults...ok not so little... is that I question everything...doesn't seem so bad on the surface but I'm an inquisitive lil shit I tell you what... I question motives, feelings, the way things were said, gestures... unfortunately some of the time (a lot of it) my questions makes it seem like I'm fishing for compliments or something akin to that... when really I'm not...all I'm really doing is trying to sate a curiosity that I have....

Big Daddy once told me that I was like a cat...I think that sort of goes along with the things he listed as why...

I think by and by I'm a pretty ok person... I know I pull off the bravado sometimes of thinking I'm awesome...but I really do have my ego in check... I start wondering about myself when in a relationship to sort of make sure that I'm not being a jackwad...and if I am then I try to keep myself in check...

But what happens when someone else is being the jackwad...you're supposed to call them on their shit right? ...kind of that whole 'keep them honest' thing...? However what happens if they already know they are...?
I know I asked that question before and sort of answered it as well...

Big Daddy calls me on my shit and I appreciate it in the long run even if at the moment it will sting a bit...eventually I will nod and go 'yeah he's right...' but I sort of let him get away with most of his shit... I think it's time for the goose to keep the gander accountable as well... I've not wanted to upset him
but I think after something he said last night that he'll be needing a kick in the butt every now and then...and since I'm such an awesome girlfriend I'll be willing to give it to him...

a friend of mine (Pirate Girl) uses the phrase 'truth walking' when her soon to be PirateMan holds her accountable for things she's said or done...I kinda like it... because it's not a bad thing...

btw he's now used the term girlfriend in regards to talking to or about me twice now...and it's sort of made me smirk and get all warm and fuzzy...even though as a 30+ year old it generally feels weird to use the term anymore... lmao

if I had one wish in the world (which I already told Big Daddy about) it would be that he sees himself the way that I see and love him... I know I should wish for lots of money or something along that lines but I really just wish he could see why it is I have chosen to love him so very much. (not that I could ever choose to stop now...)

and now I have to actually get out of bed and prepare for the annual nerf war and thanksgiving dinner at mum's house...

Dawn has an Ass Crack and it's 5:30 in the Morning...

omfg I'm so tired...

5:30 am... woke up for no reason... laid in bed for nearly two hours trying to go back to sleep...
7:25 am... got up and got the Boychild up and ready for school
8:25am... dropped the Boychild off at school...
8:35am (ish)... went for breakfast with The Man
9:15am (ish)...dropped off the 42" T.V. back at the place where we were rent-to-owning it from
9:55am... go to Best Buy to purchase new 46" T.V. that didn't cost us an arm and a leg and my firstborn...
10:30am(ish)... go to Burton's to drop off her bowl and a dvd
11:05am... go to Belladonna's to drop off her Avon order and pickup money
11:30am(ish)... go to the bank and deposit money
11:45am(ish)... grab a thing of sushi for lunch...have a small picnic in the food court...
12:36pm... went and did my civic duty...voted.
12:50pm... came home...start setting up new T.V.
1:00pm.... realize that we're in need of a cable...and leave again...
2:30pm... get home...put together new T.V. all set up and stuffs are moved around...
3:18 pm... Boychild gets home...makes a sandwich... I start dozing in my chair...
4:45 pm... head to WalMart to get Boychild new shoes...also wander around WalMart...
5:55 pm... take Boychild to karate class and stay there waiting for him...
7:26 pm... get home again and make something quick to feed everyone while packing...
9:27pm... type up blog about how exhausting my day was...

I'll be getting everyone up at the ass crack of dawn (read likely 5am) to head up north to the Man's mother's house where we'll have Thanksgiving with his mom and step dad (who just got home yesterday from the hospital where he had a heart surgery)...

talking about heart surgery...
My next cardiologist appointment is 11/11/11 @ 11am... that had better bring me luck or some shit... considering at that moment I'll be observing two minutes of silent...hope the Doc doesn't mind...in the mean time on Oct 24th I have to go for an echo-cardiogram and to get fitted for a 24 hour holter monitor (which is a heart monitor that I obviously have to wear for 24 hours)... after our meeting he'll be seeing about possibly getting me to wear a similar monitor for either a week or two... ooooh so sexy.... *insert eyeroll* ...but anyway... he was a nice guy (the doc) took a 14 year history...and of course wondered why nothing had been done with me from 2006 to 2011... also wondered out loud about why the other cardiologist never put a monitor on me...I kind of wondered that myself... but after I had the ablation in 2006 I went for a check up after 2 months and told her I was still having the episodes and she shook her head and said 'No you're fine now, go on. Oh and lose some weight or you'll be coming back to see me because you have gotten diabetes...' well I can't figure out why oh why I've never been back to see her *insert another eyeroll* you know the comment about my weight hadn't bothered me...it was the fact that she wouldn't believe me that I was still having the episodes...

so yeah...think I'll be going to bed nice and early this evening...

I See A Nap in My Future...'Cause I'm Psychic Bitches!

I like being alone sometimes. I like immersing myself in my thoughts as  I sing at the top of my lungs while doing chores...like dishes.  When someone is around I don't get that singing at the top of my lungs out of my system...and unfortunately in my thoughts...because usually the other person is talking or something...

So I got up this morning with the rest of the blurry-eyed masses...whether parents getting their kids ready for school or people getting ready for work... walked the Boychild to school and realized I prefer to be a homebody... I admit that it's a nice feeling to have strangers say good morning or to say thank you as you pass them by... but to me it's just sort of awkward... (the thank you this morning was because me with my umbrella stepped off the sidewalk so a woman and her two tiny ones could pass by...realized that it would seem weird to someone reading this that a random person would say thanks for walking by)...

However, I would prefer to just stay home... not to see people to have awkward fake cheerful morning interactions... as soon as October/November rolls around I don't want to leave the house for any reason...if I trusted people enough I'd likely have groceries delivered...and I would hibernate...until April.

Well sometimes later then that just so I can be guaranteed that there was no snow on the ground.

It's been really quiet here for the past couple of days...it's been nice... mind you I need to do more of those nasty things called chores...but I'm actually not minding it to much... it seems I don't mind doing them if I'm the only person here... it's when everyone else is here not doing anything that I kinda get pissed about doing the chores...

Been listening to Adele quite a bit lately... I'm so glad that she's much more mainstream now... I used to have such a hard time finding her music...though there is still a few songs I've heard her do that I wish she'd record on an album... I heart her so much...

I learned very quickly last night that you should never joke about poopin' on someone... I was in a really weird/giddy mood... and yeah... apparently the other party (who was at work) didn't really appreciate it very much... *shrugs* live and learn...

was up waaay too late last night... I went to bed at like 1am...which isn't so bad... still gives me almost 6 hours before the Boychild has to be up and eating before school... yeah... 3:30am...is definitely too late... I need to turn my skype off when I crawl into bed so that shit doesn't happen again... it was funny and nice to have someone to talk to for a bit but totally stayed up too late....

there's phrases, statements, questions, comments and the like that people will always remember that you have said or another person has said... stuff that sticks with you that will keep coming back to you... that happens to me quite a bit... people would say that I dwell (whether it's good or bad) but I don't really consider it dwelling or even brooding... it's remembering what people have said and then usually trying to figure out if they were just 'saying it' or if they were actually sincere...as we all know it's harder for us to believe the good stuffs said about us, though we hold onto the negative or bad stuff like it's a security blanket at times...

I've been called many things in my time... and I was writing them down as an exercise after I got back and was still in that whole transition period... and I have to say it's quite a list... and it's not all bad at all... but it's not just what others say about us... but 'to' us as well that we will remember... I've been told by a few people that they will always love me, or love me until the end of time, or something along those lines... and sometimes I get that sadistic urge to call them and say 'Yeah, still love me?' just so I can have some sort of sick satisfaction of saying 'see I knew you were lying' when they say No... I was told that it was hard to believe that anyone could 'get over' me... and of course my biggest issue is being forgotten...and I have been over the course of my life, starting at a young age and so that stuck with me even into adulthood and sort of festered into a feeling of being unimportant because of having been forgotten... few days ago I made a comment about being unmemorable and sort of got a snerking response of 'yeah right'... maybe that's why I get whacky and so odd and giddy sometimes...so that at least I'll be remembered for being weird/crazy...

this lyric makes me tear up every time I sing it...

Never mind, I'll find someone like you

I wish nothing but the best for you too

Don't forget me, I beg "I'll remember", you said,

Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead. 

Dunno why I felt like that sharing that...probably because it was playing... the thing I don't get is the fact that I don't exactly think there's anything special about me that would make me 'unforgettable' and yet I don't want to be forgotten... how messed is that.. lol 

I never claimed to be normal. Don't want to be normal... as it doesn't exist.

*laughs*

I want to be the hermit lady who doesn't want to be forgotten... man I'm a fucking conundrum...

Exactly 3 Weeks...

It's hard to say to someone 'hey you're being an asshole' or even 'hey that was a real jackwad thing to do' when you know the response to either one of those comments (if you get a response at all) will be 'I know, I toldja' ...

doesn't exactly take the wind out of the sails or anything like that.. but at the same time when you already know what the response will be and that it won't make the person change their behaviour...is it really worth pointing it out?

yeah...probably not...

was up at 7am this morning which I thought was going to be difficult since I didn't get to sleep until after 2am... apparently not... I went to bed angry...I woke up angry... I laid in bed staring at the ceiling for 20 minutes before actually getting out of bed just trying to get into a better mood... it sort of worked... said good bye to the Man as he's headed up to his mothers...again. 9 hour bus trip so that he can be there for a week going and picking up another 24 cords of wood...know how much that is?? yeah it'll likely take the entire time he's there to get it all... making at least 2 to 3 trips per day with the pick up truck...

he will be coming back down with the truck to pick up the boys and I so that we can go up for the weekend (not this weekend...next) so that we can go and spend Thanksgiving with his mom... I've offered to cook dinner for us all... only so I know that everyone will enjoy their dinner... lol
when the Man told his mom that I offered she commented on how sweet I was to offer... his mom loves my cooking... though I'm sure when you don't really know how to cook...

I have an appointment with my new cardiologist today...(in a few hours) I'm a bit nervous... I'm not really good with doctors in the first place... but I get this weird feeling when talking to them that they don't believe half of what I'm saying... which is generally why I take the Man with me to my appointments...I dunno almost to back me up about what happens...however I'm on my own today...gonna have to put on my big girl panties and just deal with it...

I think part of the reason why I don't think they believe me...is because so many people don't... my heart condition is one of those things where I look fine...I can do all the things that other people can do...but then suddenly it'll decide that it's time for me to stop...

I made mention when I was in Reno about the episode I had that had Big Daddy finding me passed out at the top of the stairs... yeah... still deathly embarrassing to me...
well I had also had an episode during dinner when we went out for dinner for his birthday... it was a pretty bad one as well... like hard to walk straight afterward type... started passing out in the car on the way home... pretty much seemed like we had to cut dinner short because of the stupid thing...

Closest thing I could find to sort of describe/show SVT

I hate this stupid affliction...I always feel so embarrassed when episodes happens.... I've been told that it's silly to feel that way because I can't help that I have it... but I think it's because it makes me feel so weak...and then after the episodes happen I am so weak as well...
I don't like appearing or being weak... I'm supposed to be the strong, confident head of this household...
I've been told that I'm crazy, weird and silly...on different occasions when I try to talk about how I feel because of this stupid condition...I end up just trying to keep my thoughts to myself...

I suppose Big Daddy's right though when he said that the worse thing that could come from today's appointment is that nothing new is learned... though I suppose I worry because I expect the worse and yet hope for the best... which in this case the worst thing that I could find out from this appointment isn't 'nothing new'...it's actually that it's getting worse... I will not go for that stupid ablation again... I tear up and want to cry just thinking about that damn surgery... no one I know will ever be able to understand how horrible that was for me... no amount of describing it will ever help...

two procedures I never want again and wish to never think on again... the ablation for my heart and the HSG to check my inside girly parts... *shudders*

*sighs* I suck... I wish my body wouldn't vex me so... well I wish that and for people who truly don't know about my condition to stfu when they see me using salt, eating meat, having a drag of a smoke...

alas I am just rambling now when I should be getting into the shower and then getting something to eat...

I've Been Know To Stick It In Some Crazy...

So...

My birthday was on Thursday...all around it was a very 'meh' day... I went to the bank for a meeting, dropped off a Tree of Life ornament to a customer...came home took a nap until it was time for the Boychild to go to karate...then went and did some groceries with the Man and Sis...then came home and made dinner...

like I said....meh and not very memorable...

Yesterday we went down to my mum's house and had some dinner...and Mum and Sis gave me a present...it's a nice cloth type caddy for my tools and beading stuff :) ... after dinner we visited and played wii games and such before my mum had to go to work and we went home...got home and finished watching the movie Phone Booth  and I had a snack and then...I got to do something I've not done in ages... I had a skype call with Big Daddy...wasn't exactly sure how it was going to go since I know that it's not exactly something he 'likes' doing anymore...but it was awesome (except the times skype was being a dick...but even then tried not to let it aggravate me too much)... I love him for being willing to give me a video date for my birthday... spent almost 3 hrs talking...was sad when it came to an end...but I was elated when he made a comment about how it had been nice being able to do that...
who knows maybe he'll be a bit more willing to do it on a bit more regular basis...you know...on holidays... lol

I cannot even get into how great it was for me to be able to see him, hear him and just spend some time with him...obviously that feeling stuck with me because when I woke up 5 hours later I had a huge smile on my face as I got ready to go out for the day...I almost came across as a morning person...crazy times!

Burton and I went over to Buffalo to see Pirate Girl...we made some yummy oatmeal and lavender soap, went out to the co-op market, went for lunch and then went to Strange Brew...(an occult shop in Western New York) it was awesome as usual getting to hang out with them...it's too bad that all of us are so busy that we don't get to hang out more often...but I think it just makes us appreciate it all the more when we do finally get together.

So now I'm gonna go watch the 'idiot box' have some dinner and be creative...

I love you Big Daddy....Thank you.

Sex Dreams, Classic Cars, Birthdays and Buffalo

I'm not eating popcorn before bedtime anymore... or doing any of the other things I did last night before I went to bed...besides texting Big Daddy...I'm not stopping that...

I woke up from the weirdest....I can't even call it a sex dream, because there wasn't a whole lot of sex in it... about someone I haven't talked to in ages...and even when we did hang out together he was a friend of a friend, so when we did hang out it was only because we were hanging out with that mutual friend... yeah weird and stuff...

I don't quite remember why he stopped by the house (in the dream) but we ended up in bed making out and then The Man came home and other guy got all 'Oh shit!' and I was just like 'Meh' he's not going to be upset... and sure enough the Man walked in to put his coat away (now I knew it was a dream) and just nodded at other guy and said 'Oh hey how's it going?' Other guy starts in on all sorts of 'this isn't what it looks like'... *laughs* it was really funny... The Man was all 'meh it's alright have at her'...so other guy was still so worried about getting the crap kicked out of him that he said very quick goodbyes and left.
Now we thought he had left as in left in his car and went home...apparently he went and fell asleep in his car because another person we know that we haven't seen in ages pops up to 'drop in and say hello' (knew it was a dream by that as well...no one does that) and she said 'hey did you know that so-and-so is out in his car asleep... The Man went out woke him up told him to come in for a coffee before he leaves...(it was the next morning) and dude starts freaking out not only because had he been making out with me the night prior but now he hadn't come home and his wife (another friend of a friend) was going to be really worried and really pissed...lol

oh it was all very crazy..though I do have to say that in my dream he was a good kisser... *laughs*

Also another odd thing that happened last night was did the regular 'i love you' text to Big Daddy before going to sleep...however, I must have had a really good dream about him at some point as well because when I woke up...our chat window was still up on my screen and apparently I had sent him another text at almost 7 am... I didn't recall doing this at all...and am now wondering how many other messages I've sent to him while half to almost fully asleep...if I was fully awake I wouldn't have sent it because of the timing and figuring him already in bed...

it was a crazy night last night/this morning...

The Manchild came this weekend... I didn't smack him like I thought I would. He was actually pleasant to be around and we had some fun this past weekend. In case you're wondering why this is all a bit surprising to me is because after me being gone for over two weeks, I came home to him texting me to say he wasn't coming to my house for the weekend to which I told him that yes he was and an argument started via text... and lo and behold I just shrugged and said that I didn't fucking care anymore (not to him) and told my family to leave him in Niagara Falls...that if he was going to be a fucking asshole then I didn't want him here spreading his bad attitude to the rest of us. So I was waiting for a text on Thursday telling me that he wasn't coming again. I didn't...he showed up on Friday all cock and swagger just like he always does when he comes from his fathers house (who's actually been staying with the Junkie again...*sigh*) but he lost it pretty quick this time...thankfully.

We were both navigators on Saturday for the Journey For Sight Car Rally put on by the Lions club...that was way fun. I was asked to be a navigator but after showing up we found out that the guy I was supposed to be navigating for was scheduled to have a visually impaired lady with him (the whole thing is to raise money for CNIB...so they bring in blind/visually impaired people to navigate...for some) so I said I would back out so that she could do it. Instead they paired all three of us up. She sat in the back with the route in braille (with her pretty guide dog) and I sat in the front with the driver, and all I did even though I had the route as well was look for street signs and special signs that the Lions had along the way to point out the route. We were in a 1967 Mustang... it was niiiice. Sounded nice. *drools just a lil* (I love me some classic cars)

Ralph and I w/ his '67 Mustang

Papa's '65 and I :)

I got my pic taken in it as well as in a couple of the T-Birds that were there... A friend of the family was there and he had his black 1965 Thunderbird...he was mentioning that he's thinking of selling it *cries a lil* I'm not crying because he's selling or wants to sell it...but because I'd have to sell both my kids in order to buy it... it is a beautiful car... and then I was also in a red T-Bird (for a photo) I'm trying to remember what year that one was...

Tim's Candy Apple Red T-Bird

Anyway... my car won for the closest to the route time with a visually impaired navigator...and we had fun wit the three of us.
The Manchild was a navigator as well...he was navigating for an older couple who doesn't know the area very well...lol apparently they had fun in their car as well...the older couple dressed up like hippies and made an outfit for him as well...and surprisingly enough he was a really good sport about wearing it... so his car won for the costume portion of the day...he got a little trophy and everything...the older couple liked him very much and said what a good kid he is.

Manchild w/ Ted and Ruth

Besides all of that...this week is going to be somewhat fun...I have a date on Thursday with the Man...and a 'date' with Big Daddy on Friday...and a day planned with Burton and Pirate Girl on Saturday over in Buffalo...Usually I'm all excited about my birthday but this year...I dunno I'm really kind of 'meh' about it. The only thing I wanted was to be able to see Big Daddy and thankfully he's willing to spend some time on Friday with me via skype... so I'm happy.

The kids are both getting settled back at school...I'm awaiting some funds to really get the business rolling (however have been commissioned to do two pieces in the interim)...

Things are ... ok.

Yes! Let's go Hiking! Yes!

So... for those who care and/or are keeping track...

I met with the financial advisor earlier this evening that I had spoken about the other day in a post... it went well...

She and I spoke about all things small business it seemed... I had a shit ton of questions about taxes and book keeping and the initial start up money that I'll have available to me... and where to start and what steps I should be taking and how to get to where it is I want to be...

She was really supportive and is willing to work with me on a monthly basis to make sure that I don't fuck up my book keeping...

It was a huge weight off my shoulders...it feels as though I could do just about anything now that I've gotten that initial meeting out of the way... I know I have a lot more to do and am going to definitely need a lot of support and encouragement from my friends and family...

Every time I sit down and make some jewelry, talk about my stuff, work on the FB page, or think about the business stuff I get real excited...motivated to just do more... I have some phone calls to make and some contacts to reach out and touch some how... but all in all... it was a real good meeting... now besides being creative...I have to work on my organizational skills... *tee hee hee* Let's see how that goes...

stay tuned...

Let's Do This Shite...!

While I continue to work shite out in my head I've decided that I'm going to throw myself into my work...

Part of the conversation I had with my father the other night before he was so drunk that he was slurring his words I was talking to him about some of the things that I wanted to do with my teeny tiny business... not the Avon... though it could be applied to that as well... my jewelry.

First step is to get it out there a bit... since up until now I've been treating it more like a hobby... I set out a plan today after my shower and have been starting the steps already... So today I set up a Facebook page for it ... Trece Lunas

I've made an appointment for Friday with a financial advisor so that I can get all the ins and outs to really do this...

I came to the decision while in the shower that if I want to do what it is I want with my life I won't be able to do that working for some one else... so The Man and I were talking again and I think I've come up with something that will work for the three of us... just not passing it by Big Daddy yet... still afraid that he'll say no... so going to wait and see how it sits with me to see that it's solid first...

So back to the business... the ball is rolling and now it's time to get back into action again... and maybe get a bit more elaborate with my designs... find places where I can get some unusual beads and what not...

I'm feeling really good about this... I'm not ready for anyone to poo poo my idea yet, so not going to let on to many that I'm doing it until the ball is truly rolling...http://www.facebook.com/pages/Trece-Lunas/246164558759805

"You're Not The Real Alfred!"

So I was pretty stressed the other night...

Drunken phone call with my father...my eldest (The Manchild) texting me to tell me he doesn't want to see me this weekend, all the crap on my mind about Big Daddy and The Man... when suddenly there's a yahoo msg that pops up from my ex...the Drunken one...I sighed and said hello and when he started asking about getting onto skype so that we could talk I told him that I just wasn't up for it... when he asked me what was wrong I told him... so he told me  that it sounded like I could use someone to talk too... I mean he was right I really could...and sometimes a third party does help me out...

so I finally got my laptop out and was talking to him on skype... he was trying to make me smile, which for the most part just wasn't working... so instead of going that route he got back to seriousness and we started talking about where my head was at...and he of all people was the one that got my head away from the knots and had me start thinking... which of course sounds weird but instead of thinking in the first place I realized that I was brooding... which to me is thinking without any real results...no changes get made from brooding...they get made from thinking...

he tried to simplify things for me... which his answer to everything is 'go and be happy wherever it is that makes you happy' ... which of course is what I would generally tell people as well... (he seems to think that I'm the female version of him....I dunno about that)

however what he doesn't take into account is the fact that... I have obligations and responsibilities here, he doesn't know Big Daddy at all...so can't really ever be sure what he would be up for, and life just isn't as cut and dry as 'Be Happy'...

so after strangely gaining some insight from him...I logged off and ended up starting to talk to the Man about the conversations I had been having that evening...told him about some insight I got from my father (on some non-related stuffs), the fact that my kid seems to think he can dictate to me what he's doing now instead of asking...and how really there's not anything I can do about it since he's in another city and doesn't give a flying fuck about what I have to say and pretty much just laughs at my parental attempts...and of course about the situation with him, myself and Big Daddy...

He, like the Drunken Ex, said over and over again he just wants me to be happy...which that I know...he said he knew I've been unhappy since I got home but wanted to know if I was happy here before I left... I'm always honest with him and said no...not exactly...there were moments of enjoyment... so of course his answer was as simple as the ex's...go be happy where you will be happy... the problem with all of this decision making about me being happy is...

if I decide I'm not happy here....I'm homeless...

no one really knows Big Daddy...not like I do...they've not had the conversations with him that I have...if I had decided that I'm happier with him and living in Reno....that doesn't mean at all that I'm just going to be able to pick up and move to Reno to be with him... and I'm not even talking about the logistics of the government issues or anything like... I'm talking about because of how Big Daddy would feel about the whole thing... I don't think he would want me there... which probably sounds a little weird since he loves me and misses me and enjoyed my company... but after conversations with him I get why it is that it would be that way...

so... if I were to really put things into perspective and come down with the decision that Big Daddy makes me happiest or I should say that is where I'm happiest... I pretty much would be saying... I want to be homeless...because I really don't think I'd be welcome in Reno...

*shrugs*

decisions, decisions...

good thing I'm not making any...yet

So There We Were...

a lot of people know that I;m open to all sorts of alternate lifestyles and so forth but this dream I had takes the freakin cake...

I pictured that not only did the Man and I find a new house to move into... but that Big Daddy was willing to live with us (at the Man's request) but that we also invited my Ex and his girlfriend (not the Junkie) to move in with us as well... all the kids... The Manchild, Boychild, my ex's other two kids and his gf's kids came to live with us as well...

the house that we got was huge... there was a room for the three of us....a bedroom that had once been a kitchen for my Ex and his gf...I sold them on the idea of the fact that if they wanted to keep separate from the rest of the household groceries and such that it was ideal for them to take that bedroom...then for all the kids there was three other bedrooms... an office that we could all run away to with our computers, a rec room in the basement, a living room, dining room and then (I like because I heart it so very much) a kitchen that looked exactly like Big Daddy's....

the house was gorgeous and was big enough that we didn't all feel cramped... the ex's gf's kids didn't live there full time but came on weekends, same with the ex's other two kids...Big Daddy's  son came to visit in the summer... so it was like a revolving door for the kids but all in all it was a pretty stable family home...

I was amazed in my dream that it was working so well...but holy shit talk about a weird friggin dream

I think it maybe sort of stemmed from the fact that the Man and I were talking about living arrangements and such last night before bed...and one that had been revisited was the fact that we had all discussed at one point Big Daddy living here with us...which of course would make my life a helluva lot easier...but that it was proven that wasn't going to happen in a huge way when Big Daddy bought a house... I had felt really hurt at the time and I suppose I still do at times when i think about it... and when it was sort of half mentioned he said something about how the family wouldn't like that too much or something along those lines... what he doesn't realize is the fact that it wasn't originally even my idea... it had been The Man's idea and want to have him live with us...so I'm fairly certain that with it being his idea in the first place that he was and still is alright with the idea, which he did say last night... the it's all moot now... since it's been made abundantly clear that, that is not what Big Daddy would want...

whole bunch more to blog later about last night... too tired right now... just woke up...

Really? Do you have to be drunk to talk to me??

The phone rang this afternoon, well actually it was earlier this evening...

It was my father... at first I wasn't going to answer it because I pretty much had washed my hands of him... but there was a nagging in my brain so I answered it...

Since my 'ranting' message to him months ago I haven't had any contact with him... that is until I was on my way home the other day and got a message from the aunt, that was picking me up from the airport, apparently she had a parcel for me from my father...

So I get back to her place to find out that my father had left (apparently he visited this way while I was away) 4 paddles that he had made... no not sex aides...actual canoe paddles... he makes them as a hobby...

All I could think when I saw them that they were guilt gifts because of my tirade about his lacking of communication and stuff with me and the kids...

So earlier today I sent him a quick message politely thanking him for the paddles and that they were lovely and letting him know that my aunt still had the blanket they were wrapped in...

Which brings us to the phone ringing... I answered it not exactly wanting to... we spoke for a couple of hours about all sorts of stuff... but then I realized that he during our phone call must have been drinking...

It's no wonder I can polish off half a bottle of tequila and feel hardly any of the effects of it at all... I apparently come from alcoholic stock... *sighs* By the time we finished talking he was slurring so badly I could barely understand him...

Maybe when I'm feeling up to it I'll take pics and put them up of the paddles... they are nice...

I just want to know today, know today, know today... Know that maybe I will be ok

Here I am... I'm back in Canada and at home again...which seems weird for me to say since I felt so very at home in Reno...

I got back to the house about 12 hours ago... sat and talked with the man for awhile before heading back to bed... I had gotten used to sleeping until late in the afternoon by both EST and PST standards...

I generally use this forum for my inner most thoughts and for a way for me to deal with the stuff in my head... sometimes to my detriment but still a good spot for me to just be me... that's likely what will be happening for the next few days at least...

I am feeling very disconnected at the moment. I'm glad to have gotten a bit of a transition period last night... I went from the airport to my aunt's house and then here... I'm glad it happened that way... I had that time when I was alone in the bedroom in the basement of their house to sit and just cry for hours... which I had been holding in from the moment I got up yesterday... while I cried I was able to talk (read as text) with both The Man and Big Daddy... I was able to freely admit to The Man that the last thing I wanted to do yesterday was to get on a plane and come back... he was half expecting me to tell him that I wasn't coming back... and it's not because I don't want to be with him or the kids or that I didn't in some way miss them all... it was because my time with Big Daddy is so precious due to the such short amount of time we have together and I was just not ready to leave yet...

which is why I think I'm still feeling kind of disconnected... the differences between the two 'homes' is huge... and I don't just mean the structures in which they are contained... here everything is cluttered and loud... there everything was so quiet and some what serene...

hell even when I'd get annoyed or upset at/with Big Daddy... it never lasted long... generally easily fixed with a hug... because it would just come into my mind 'you don't have enough time here with him to stay angry or upset'... so I just didn't...

The Man was nice enough to start talking to me about possibilities for going back... probably knew that I needed to know that it was an option... and that yes that's what I would be thinking about for the next while is how long do I have to wait before going back...

I'm hoping that since on Monday everything in his body language pretty much said 'I don't want you to go' that  Big Daddy wants me to come back soon...every moment I was there I enjoyed... even when it was just Circe and I hanging out and waiting for him to come home from work so that I could get a hug before going to bed...every morning rolling over and smiling as he laid there still sleeping...

I would just watch him or look at him at random times (especially while he was driving) and he'd turn and ask why I was staring at him...my answer was pretty much always 'because I can right now'... trying again to re-memorize the sound of his voice, his facial features, and so forth because of how long it is between times I get to see him... it's not like we video chat like we used to... or even talk on the phone very much (especially since he's fairly soft spoken and my phone sucks which leaves the conversation being - I sort of hear something, then say what was that?, and then he repeats it like twice)... most of our communications nowadays are through texts...and I get to see him when I look at pics of him... that of course were taken against his will...

I've said it before and I'll likely say it again... I love you just seems way to small...

So as you can see right now I'm still sort of stuck in Reno...that's where my head is at as well as my heart... I'll likely be a bit despondent... I'm not worried that I'll stay that way... though I am worried about how it will be handled at times... I'll likely be lost in the memories that I'll not share with any others... I'll smile or tear up at times that would seem really odd, or chuckle at what will seem like my own private joke...

I want to crawl into that little cave for awhile and stay there until I feel it's ok to poke my head out again...there will only be a small few who will be privy to my cave and I hope the others don't mind overly if they're not invited...

who knows maybe I'll be ok enough by my birthday... or maybe I won't be ok until the end of the dark times... all I know is that as long as I have them both I'll be alright...

So for now I'm living with a very odd and surreal feeling of being here but not quite being here... I think I got a little lost during transition...

Vegas Airport Smells Funny....

I feel like I'm going to be sick...

I'm sitting here in the Vegas airport awaiting my flight to Buffalo... I'm not looking forward to it... as a matter of fact I really really want to find a SouthWest agent and change my ticket to a flight back to Reno...

Been really good though... didn't cry yet today....probably gonna happen later...

the flight from Reno to Vegas wasn't very long but man was it really bouncy...had some turbulence on the way out and on our approach back in at Vegas...

I'm kind of hoping that the flight to Buffalo isn't a full flight and that maybe I might be able to score a window seat...

SouthWest has a free for all seating policy but they put you on the plane in groups... A B and C.... A = Window Seat... B = Aisle Seat... and C = stuck in the middle...

I was hoping for a window with a B but that didn't happen... I would like to know how to ensure from now on that I'll be in the A category...

Oh well...

I miss Big Daddy already... been hugging his hoodie all day...

and now I have to go... tearing up again....

My Bags Are Packed and I'm Not Ready To Go...

So here I sit on the bed typin' up my last blog post from here in Reno...

It's been wicked fun to be here with Big Daddy and not have to care too much about the outside world except to wonder if Circe has enough food and water downstairs...

I've just about finished packing up all my stuff... I'm surprised Big Daddy hasn't wanted to go through my luggage since I told him I was going to steal his Nook colour.... tee hee... I was playing with it the other day... I likes it...and of course I wants one...

it's fairly easy to say that I don't want to go... I would like to stay here and spend more time with Big Daddy and even though he's not come right out and said it... I'm fairly certain he's a bit sad to see me go as well... I've had a really good time with him... and in the back of my mind am already trying to figure out when I can come back...

I know the Man and the Boychild have been missing me....I dunno about the Manchild he's still fairly self absorbed for the time being... but I do miss them a bit... I just know that I get to see them all the time... I only get to spend time with Big Daddy once a year... I was really lucky this time that I got to spend so much time here with him by ourselves...

I'm thinking April or May again... though when I was here in May last year it did snow... and that was just weird...anyway I suppose it all depends on what we decide...

anyway... I'm going to go watch some comedians or something extremely funny to keep my mind off things and to help me to keep from crying... I've been fairly distracted most of the day... but I'm certain the night time is going to be worse...

next post likely to come from either Runa's house tomorrow night or from home the next day...

If There's One Thing I Like It's Getting Stuffed For $1

Went out into the desert today....

I didn't have a horse with no name and I wasn't trying to get out of the rain...but still went out into the dessert... getting out there was half the adventure it seemed and only because of trying to drive and dirt roads that aren't exactly kept up in any sort of fashion...

took out 3 hand guns and 2 rifles... set up some targets and away we went... I tried to be a good student... you know the keep your mouth shut do as your told and you won't get hurt sort of thing... lol

so got a lesson in all the proper ways to handle and fire a gun, as well as how to stand and so forth...

I  a .22 revolver, .40 semi-auto, 1911 .45 semi-auto... I think out of the three of them I liked the .22 the best...only because of the fact that it was quieter and had less kick to it... yeah yeah I'm such a girl :P

the AR that I used was a civilian version/model of the M16... I didn't mind that one at all...especially when sitting down with  it... it had more of a recoil than Big Daddy let on but it was still awesome nonetheless... I got a nice grouping of head shots with it when I was sitting down... however not so great when I was standing up... that mo'fo is not really all that light...

the one I have to say that I disliked the most was the AK47... that is not a nice weapon... the recoil was ouchy and the stock on it isn't very forgiving... I think it gave me a bruise...

So we were out for a couple of hours and it was hot and dusty and dirty and effin awesome!! :)

after we were done we went into town to get some drive thru fast food... can't imagine why Big Daddy wouldn't want to leave thousands of dollars worth of firearms in the back of the car while we went into a restaurant to eat some supper...

he introduced me to 'In and Out' I had never heard of it before and he said it was good so... went and got some double cheeseburgers that were really effin good as well... after unloading the car and eating we hit the shower and have been chilling here at home since...

Big Daddy's birthday was on the 1st... he hates his birthday and for anyone who knows me I love my birthday so it was an interesting day that end with the two of us drinking an entire bottle of tequila... and after that I won't even get into details...

The next day... I got to meet his parents... they wanted to take him out to dinner and well I ended up tagging along I think more so because he didn't want to seem rude by asking me to stay at the house...
they were really nice to me... I was really nervous to meet them... I'm still trying to figure out how he came from them... lol the three of them are so different  from each other...

For any who are wondering my title is a line from a commercial I heard on the radio and lost it laughing over...

I am starting to get that whole 'I don't wanna leave yet!!' thing happening...it happens every time I go away and have a good time while gone...obviously it's different this time... I hate leaving Big Daddy... we have fun together and though it was a bit rough a couple of times while I've been here overall I've had a brilliant time.... I'm going to hate leaving him for like another year... and now I'm gonna stop talking about it before I begin to cry and he looks over and asks what's wrong... the answer 'nothing' never seems to work with him...

I've found myself at times just watching him and when he catches me looking at him and says 'what? why are you staring at me?' I generally just answer with 'because I can right now' ...right now as I'm typing up this blog post he's been playing on his computer and I've been able to look at him from the side as much as I want... lol
He's Awesome... I Loves Him sooooooo much... *blush* and even though heart him so much I will never like Minecraft as much as he does no matter how many times I 'try' it... lmao
However he did introduce me to Team Fortress 2.... LOVE it!! The Heavy is fucking awesome! love him, love his guns, love his accent, love his dialogue....

So eventually I will post some pictures.... I haven't taken many this time...

Hi I'm A Fucking Idiot, And You Are?

I feel so farkin' embarrassed it's just fucking retarded...*facepalms*

So last night I was having some issues with my heart... no big surprise...can't go two weeks without some sort of doozy I guess... I'd had a couple of attacks throughout the night...nothing too major... went to bed about 1 or so... just after 1 my head was swimming and my heart started going nuts.... so I went downstairs to the kitchen and grabbed some ice and started to head back upstairs to the bedroom... I got to the top of the stairs and felt really dizzy and sort of sick to my stomach...so I sat down on the top of the stairs... that with the ice didn't seem to be helping so I sort of just slumped so I was laying at the top of the stairs...
the cat came and laid with me... I sort of snickered and told her that I wasn't staying there long...

apparently I was staying there longer then anticipated...when Big Daddy came home he found me passed out at the top of the stairs freezing since I was only in a house coat... that and the A/C is positioned in such a way so that it blows straight up the stairs...

when I finally started to feel better and less like an ice cube... I wanted to crawl under a rock...still kind of do...especially after this morning...

I had been in the midst of a dream of sorts talking to some people when all of a sudden in the dream I couldn't swallow and I couldn't breathe or talk... I woke up choking and unable to breathe... what a way to wake up in the morning...

I don't know if I woke up because I was dreaming I was choking or if I was dreaming that I was choking because I really was in my sleep... all I know is that was fucking embarrassing as well...

*le sigh* why couldn't I just be normal sometimes...

I swear Big Daddy's going to be so glad when I'm gone... he'll actually be able to get a good nights sleep again... :(

My Head Hurts Too Much For A Weird Witty Title

Can.Not believe that I've been gone for a week already... that's some crazy whacked out shiznit yo...

Big Daddy works during the week so not much to say about that time... I mainly played the computer, watched movies, talked to the Man and Boychild on skype...and even talked to the drunken ex the one... that was fun and fantastic... but the weirdest situation was talking to my Mum via skype... weeeeeeeird....

My days have been running together and with the weird hours I'm keeping while here I can't remember what we did on Thursday or Friday... lol

Friday morning we were woken up by  a door bell with some not so good news so the day sort of followed suit...thankfully though we talked and were able to get passed the weirdness and the awkwardness that was creeping up...played Scott Pilgrim vs. The World video game which just made me want to watch the movie...so we did that too... Big Daddy hadn't seen it before... he laughed... thinks that means he liked it :)

Yesterday we went out for breakfast when it was most people's dinners...then went over to the Sierra Summerfest (I think that's what it was called...) watched some Monster Trucks... (they were indoors.... weird...) and after a while of that left to see the Roller Derby girls... it's like Burlesque (due to the fashion and clothing worn) meets Rollerskating (since they're going around ON rollerskates on the track) meets Hockey (due to all the 'checking' and spills and whatnot...) It to me was awesome good fun... favourite conversation of the evening... Me- 'Aren't you glad I wanted to see scantily clad women beating the crap out of each other while on roller skates?'... Him- 'Best girlfriend ever.' *grins* I told him he could get that put on a plaque for me... lol

After watching the derby we decided to go watch a movie... I think it was a pretty fair trade off... he got scantily clad women on roller skates (yeah so what if it was my idea)...and I got to see Jason Momoa as Conan...mmmm .... Oh Hello there nearly naked sexy man who is really violent...!
I can't help it... sexy men + violence = Me feeling frisky... lol

We came home and I watched Whip It as Big Daddy played his new video game... Deus Ex: Human Revolution... which he picked up on Friday and waited til yesterday to play... sometimes he is not a normal geek boy... :) Figured I wouldn't see him most of the weekend after seeing him pick it up... So I totally didn't mind if he played it for a little while...

I like it when I get chosen over a video game... :)

We were up until nearly 6 am...which as I've been sitting here it's gone from being 10 am to 11 am... yeah... phone rang...startled me right out of sleep... instant headache and heart attack at the same time... it was lovely...so figured since I couldn't get back to sleep right away and didn't want to be tossing and turning and keeping him up I'd come in the office with my laptop to see how my family is doing...since it seems Hurricane Irene will sort of be side swiping them... just my luck...none of them are online... >.>

So writing seemed the next best thing to due... I'm hoping it will help my head and make me tired enough to go back to sleep for a few hours... Big Daddy doesn't want to be up until after 3... *hrm...* not sure if I can actually sleep that long...

Anyway... more to come later (like some pics from the bout)... think I'm going to try to nap again...

Gloria Steinem, I Am Not.

Call me a detriment to the womens lib and all that jazz but I have to admit that I thoroughly enjoy when a man shows his appreciation and affection with displays of affection... public or otherwise...

and the reason why I'm likely a detriment to the lib movement is that I'm ok with a bum pinch, a slap on the bum, an arm around the shoulder or hand resting on my back.. walking up behind me to kiss my neck or just to hug me around the waist... all these are little ways of saying I love you without really ever having to say it out loud...

other ones that are nice once in a while is hair brushing, impromptu foot rubs, hugs for no reasons and of course the best ones are the kisses that leave ya weak in the knees...

I'm not sure why men seem to stop those sorts of things for/to us after a certain amount of time... but it always seems to fall away in the course of a relationship...

and I'm sure there is a flip side to that and that women have stopped doing things that men like... I'm not on that side of the story...

but what has happened to displays of affection? they seem to get tossed aside at times...

I'm sort of glad that I got thinking on this after reading a write up on Fetlife that one of the kinksters there wrote..

I'm finding the site to be quite interesting... especially the thoughts and opinions of others on there about certain things...


displays of affection = happy loved ones = yay!

I'm Batman.

I've come to the conclusion that even if the Man and I didn't last together until one of us dies and then some... he would have to remain one of my best friends in the world... I'm not sure what I would do without him or my Krammit...

I can talk to the both of them about anything and they won't judge me... they'll give me their opinions, their advice... and aren't hurt if I still decide to do things my way... lol
they love me and all my flaws and still think I'm funny ;)

another conclusion I've come to is that... my unclothed naked body does not sexually stimulate anyone...nor does it when partially clothed... hard truths that's what I'm all about...

that's all I have today...

oh wait that's not all... apparently taking two baclofen at the same time, falling asleep and then waking up an  hour or so later... will leave me loopy...

and lead me to think when I'm wearing an over-sized blue bathrobe with a hood on it (worn up on my head) that I will think I'm Batman :D

I'm not sure Big Daddy realizes what kind of a dork I really am... oh well... little more then a week for him to truly find out... if only I would loosen up a bit more...

more to come later I suppose

Falcon Punch!

my url for the time being should be raenotathome.blogspot.com.... since well you know.. I'm not at home...

my tummy is doing the 'what the fuck did you just eat?' dance and I'm not really enjoying it overly... *sighs*

I didn't really feel like cooking so I threw a pizza in the oven and some bourbon chicken in the nuker... tumtum is not enjoying the yumminess of the frozen food supper...



I woke up today really not in a good frame of mind today... really put a damper on the tiny amount of time that I got to spend with Big Daddy before he went off to work... which made me even more sad...
then there was some BS with Avon that I tried to deal with via The Man... *sigh* nope going to have to find another way to go about fixing the order that just came in with half of it missing... piss me off.
Fuck around with my shit...that's fine... but not my customers... it makes me look like a douche... and I dislike looking like a douche...

So then to really add to the weirdness of the day... I get a message from the Man on FB that my Mother will be calling me... *blinks* um...what?

So we got my Mum set up on my sisters Skype and when I say we I mean my sister showed her how to use it...

Ends up that the 'important' (because that's the only thing the Man knew it was about) thing that she wanted to talk to me about was the Manchild.
So now that I would like to smack both the Manchild and his Father... but can't because I'm almost 3000 miles away... I talked to Mum a bit more and told her my decision on the matter we were discussing... which I'm sorry but I was totally weirded out by taking to my Mum while at Big Daddy's house... she's not exactly keen on the fact that I'm with the two of them to begin with...

I've also been really kind of down because it seems that my being here is really screwing with Big Daddy's sleep... he's been real tired the last couple of days and well I don't want him to be... I'm starting to think maybe it wasn't a good idea for me to come and stay here while he had to work... *sigh* I dunno... I just hope that he doesn't think that it was a terrible idea even if he isn't getting enough sleep...

Is it weird that I don't want to consider my time spent with Big Daddy as a 'vacation'?
I dunno... something about that just doesn't seem right to me... just because I'm left the house where I primarily live with the Man and the boys for two weeks doesn't really mean I'm on a vacation... does it?
I'm confused ... I don't like the term but at the same time what else would it be? *shrugs*

Just one of many things rolling around in my brain right now... I have many others... I spoke with the Man last night about some of my concerns and he was really cool about listening... how often can you say that your husband listened to you while you exposed some worries you have in regards to a lover you have?? yeah I know right...

I'm not going to put them here... I haven't finished sorting them out in my own brain and I don't know if I ever will to tell you the truth...

It seems I missed an earthquake and some tornado warnings while I've been here and I've only been here for 4 days...yikes...

I'm Sure You Would Have Been Perfect Court Rumour Fuel.

I've had the song Moves Like Jagger stuck in my head for 2 days now... listened to it on repeat all the way home on the bus today...

I Feel Very Squee.

A week ago today I was sitting around a camp fire listening to others sing songs from a song book very badly... lol everything from Your So Vain to Love The Way You Lie to Bohemian Rhapsody... all in good fun of course...

I've been so busy this week that I've not had a chance to sit down and write about the womens retreat... so I figured since I'm awaiting my laptop to finish installing updates before I can pack it I would sit and talk about the weekend a bit... especially since I'm getting on a plane tomorrow to head for another adventure in the wild west... hmm... was Nevada considered the wild west back in the day? I'm assuming so... so assume that I'm right...

The retreat was lovely... drove 6 hrs with Burton up north... stopped in at the Man's mother's house for lunch (a lunch of which put my dinner of a granola bar to shame!) I figured by saying we'd stop in for lunch we'd get some sandwiches and maybe a salad... she made 2 lasagnas, a big salad, some buttered bread, two kinds of dessert and then brought out watermelon in case we were still hungry... *blinkblink* wtf??

we got to camp and immediately found an acquaintance of ours (whom of course quickly became a good friend over the weekend) we camped with her and her two friends... those three were a riot...
came out from under my turtle shell and was actually sociable...saying hi and stopping to talk to people when out walking the campgrounds (which btw was fucking gorgeous!!)

I'm not going to get right down into graphic detail about the weekend... at least not in this post... but it was a really good weekend... I thoroughly enjoyed riding up with Burton... it's really nice to be in the company of others who do not feel it necessary to talk just for the sake of filling the silence in a vehicle... not just that... we had music going :D no but seriously I had a really good time with Burton... and I'm glad neither of us was too clingy on the other so that we could meet others and feel alright with that... :)

Was real tired on the ride home but didn't really notice much while listening to the music and talking... stopped in at the Man's mom's house again before really starting the journey home on Sunday... he made us supper gave us hugs and sent us on our way...

I think one of the things I enjoyed the most during the weekend was the hour of silence we did on Saturday after lunch... it was a lovely change... especially being out in the middle of the campground no where near cars or roads... and with there only being about 50 women there... it was nice..

I went to bed on Sunday night all by myself which wouldn't have been so bad if it wasn't for the fact that I had just seen the Man earlier that day...and had been missing him, and him having been gone all week up north... made me very happy when he and the boys came home the next day...

I've spent this past week getting ready for my flight tomorrow and being very squee at the fact that I get to go spend two weeks with Big Daddy... it's been a lot of inner squee since I know that the Boychild and the Man are going to miss me very much... but... I'll have my laptop and my skype will be on so that I may log on and wish them a good night... much better then just using the phone when they're away...lol

So I got up today knowing that we (the Man and I) had to go out and pick up a few things before I leave tomorrow... so we get ready to go and then I go to get my wallet and it's not where I normally put it... we search the house high and low until finally I give up in a fit of frustration... the Man decides that even though it's unlikely he'll call the bus terminal to see if maybe I forgot it on the bus we were on yesterday when we went to the library... sure as shit my wallet was at the terminal... someone found it on the bus and turned it in... I was completely gobsmacked at the fact that I forgot it on the bus... so we go down to the terminal and get my wallet.. not only is all my id still in it but so is the wee bit of money I had in it... I was mainly worried about my licence and my bank card as those are the two major things I need in the next two days.... I was so happy! I got on the bus to go to the mall and asked it if it had a nice little adventure without me...
Got my medicalert bracelet today... should say... finally replaced... cost me more to get 3 effin letters engraved on it then it did for the bracelet itself... told the Man that I'm glad I didn't go with the words Heart Condition and opted for SVT instead...85¢ per letter... so now I'm all chillin like a villian...

So all now that's left to do is to take my shower... and go to bed... my bags are packed and I'm ready to go...my bags are waiting outside the door... *giggles* nah I won't sing...

So I'll up date some more while I'm in Reno... I'm sure I"ll get a few minutes here or there to plop down some words...

The Ever Elusive Past Time...

I would really truly seriously love to know what a 'good night of sleep' feels like...

ok so I've been sick since last Monday and sleeping while sick is a precious commodity but still... I can only blame it on the Man's snoring for so long...the last two nights where it's been me by myself... albeit I was stuffed up and some what congested...but still... tossing and turning until after the sun comes up is getting to be really tiresome...

I was here at my desk watching some TV and catching up on some news and playing games until almost 1 am... not that odd of a time to go to bed... so off I go I lock up the house and go to the bathroom and slip into my lovely big bed...

after 45 mins of just laying there I pick up a book... I put it down a couples of times when it feels like I'm about to fall asleep... and then I'm wide awake again... *le sigh*

it's now... 8:05 am and I've still not slept yet... hell I'm contemplating breakfast at the moment... but I know that by noon I'll be yawning my face off, I'll have a major headache and I'll need to lay down... which of course just continues the whole vicious circle of not being able to fall asleep at night...

I've done a few of the methods for trying to go to sleep... to no avail.. of course or I wouldn't be sitting here bitching about the fact that I can't get to sleep...

I have a bunch of stuff that I need to get done around the house... Okie is coming over to get the key to the house and get the run down on where the animals food is so that while I'm away over the weekend she can come and check on them and feed them...and I need to pack up some of my stuff for the weekend...

So I don't really have a bunch of free time during the day to just lay around and sleep...

Although I do have to say that lately when I do actually get some sleep I've been having dreams about my upcoming trip to Nevada... *squee*

Frosted Mini Wheats... ok there. decided. laters...

Cough Squee Cough Blow Nose

Here I sit on a Sunday...

I still feel like I've been hit by a mack truck or two... but I'm better now then I was earlier I thought I was going to have to go to the hospital... not only was my heart racing but my blood sugar shot way up... (way up for me that is)... I was dizzy, I felt nauseous, every time I laid down to sleep my whole body started vibrating... last time I felt like that was in '09 and that time I did end up in the hospital for a few hours...

When I was feeling out of it I decided to check my blood sugar level...and it was 8.8 which is actually the higher part of the normal zone... however... my normal levels have been between 3.7 to 5.7... so at least I knew part of the issue though I didn't know what had caused it to shoot up like that because I'd only had some toast... so after trying a last desperate measure (which worked...if you really want to know what worked I might just tell ya)  I sat for a few minutes and took a few deep breaths and when The Man came in and asked if I still wanted to go to the hospital and I explained that I think I felt alright and that I wanted to get up and have a short shower and have a little bit to eat...

I got up and checked my blood sugar level again and this time it was at 5.4... it dropped from the 8.8 in about an hour...I checked again after (2 hrs) having some spaghetti (without any sauce) and it was back up to 7.7 again... I went through a period of a couple of hours where I felt really tired...

It's been a crazy day... it makes me happy that the Man and the Boys haven't left for up north yet... they were supposed to leave on Saturday... and then again they were supposed to leave today... if The Man's mother calls again in the morning to say she's not coming I'm just going to take the Manchild back to his dads...and they all just won't be going up this year...

On the flip side to the craziness of today was the sadness from last night... I mentioned in a previous post that Moe (our ferret) had been really sick... last night the strong little guy passed away... he tried so hard as did we... I realized that he was going to pass away when we could no longer to eat drink or take any sort of meds on Friday... I held him up to the last few moments when he started to seize non-stop... I'm really going to miss the little guy he was fun and so very lovable...
I strongly suspect that though we were told he was in good health that he wasn't...

so again... really kind of glad that the Man and boys didn't leave yet...

I'm really tired of wiping and blowing my nose...

5 days until Red Spiral...Squee!*coughcough*
13 days Reno... Squee! *blowingofnose and cough*

I will feel better by Wednesday!!

I Am The Master of My Own Sac...

You know when you're looking forward to something and all are excited... something generally happens to remind you that yes shit does happen...

I'm sick.
Moe's sick.

*le sigh*

and of course because I'm pushin myself to stay up and take care of and watch over him I'm not getting enough sleep... :(

the Man and the boys are leaving on Saturday for a week... I hope that I'm at least better by then...

*something that makes me smile* 16 days until Reno and 8 days until Red Spiral....

must.get.better.

Quote of the Day... "I hope I never become delirious, the kids won't know that I'm delirious..." the Man interjects with "Because you always act like you're delirious...."

I Just Can't Wait To Get On The Road Again...

And now I can start the official countdown... and every so often I'll squee at inopportune and inappropriate times... because it's now official that I'll be going to Nevada in August... in ...25 days...

it's like a countdown to christmas... *laughs*

but before that happens...

I have a birthday party, a ribfest, a week of alone time, womens retreat, and a whole lot of other stuff to do...

the kids didn't get out of school this year until the 29th of June so they've technically only got 2 months of summer as they go back on the 6th of September... So trying to get some stuff done with them that we can in that time period...

went to the exchange student camp on Sunday with the Man, my Sis and the Boychild... heard the presentations from the kids from the different countries and what it's been like for them here thus far... they all seemed really well mannered and polite... and though they all had really thick accents they tried really hard to make sure we all understood them... it made me remember why I joined Lions in the first place and that was for the youth programs... doesn't mean I'm signing back up to be a Lion in the fall... but I will be getting in contact to be a host family next year and possibly help out at the camp... at least it's run by Lions that I actually like... 13 countries were represented by 16 students... only 2 of which were boys... (lucky them)

I wanted to take the family out for dinner tonight but looks as though we'll be doing that tomorrow *glances at the time* err.. later today... the three of us haven't gone out for awhile and I need to go out and look at the prices of a couple of things at the store next to the restaurant anyway... so that's a good excuse :D

We've decided on a puppy for my birthday... since that's the middle of fall and we'll all be settled back into our routines... I can't wait... I'm just hoping there will be a litter of mastiffs around that time... I think I've finally made up my mind on one of them... I'd love a newf but they're always so expensive to get as pups (upwards of  $2000)... so I think I'll contact the local breeder for the mastiffs to see if they think they'll have a litter then...or maybe know of other breeders that might...not looking for papers with the pup just a good healthy pup...

Burton's all registered for the womens retreat which makes me happy... her registering (just like me getting my return ticket from NV) has made it a reality that I'm actually going... so of course I'm very much being a girl at the moment and thinking about what it is I'm going to pack (for both the retreat and the trip to Nevada)... I've already started my packing list so that I don't forget anything... surprisingly enough the least amount of stuff on the list is clothing...lol actually by looking at the list of clothing one would think the retreat is clothing optional...
I'm just not overly excited by whom else will be there... but then I suppose there will be lots of others there to mingle with.

It looks as though since I'm getting back home on a Tues after midnight that I'll be sleeping in the airport for about 9 hrs before getting on a bus to come back home after my trip to Nevada... it'll be like Denver all over again...lol Only this time I'll be a stones throw away from home...I asked Pirate Girl if she might be able to pick me up and let me sleep on her couch and drop me back off at the airport in the morning to get my bus... but unfortunately not an option as her girls have to go to school that next morning and she is working the next morning as well...lol I need more friends in Western NY... *laughs*
I had entertained the thought of walking to and from her place...then I realized what I was thinking... walking to the west side of Buffalo after midnight... um yeah... no... *shake head* at least at the airport there will be a security guard and a janitor to keep me company...
So I'll be getting home the same time as the Boychild gets home from his second day of school...Yay! Buses!

I love adventures... and next month I get to go on 2!! I'm really very squee about it all...

but now I must get to bed...

Good Food and Strange Dreams...

Last night I tried a new recipe that I wasn't sure if my family would like... it was along the same lines as the lunch that the Pirate Girl made for Burton and I when we went to go visit her... I made a Garam Masala Chicken recipe with Basmati rice... to my surprise it was a huge hit with both kids and the Man... I sort of followed a recipe online... I say sort of because it called for tomatoes but I didn't have any so I used some tomato juice...and instead of just plain basmati rice I ended up mixing in some cumin seeds, rosemary, bit of thyme and some salt and pepper...also tweaked the chicken recipe a bit as well... but it was good... didn't have any yoghurt in the house so used a bit of sour cream instead... tonight's going to be a pork loin roast with some sort of potatoes...the kids have been complaining as we haven't had potatoes for over a month...lol

I've not been sleeping very well lately for a few reasons that I think I've already touched on in a couple of other posts... besides the fact that I seem to be a natural insomniac... so when I do get some restful sleep I tend to dream like there's no tomorrow... and in the last two days I've had some really strange ones... the first one I actually woke up from it, texted Big Daddy about it and then had a really hard time falling back to sleep... he and I were in it and he had crawled into bed with me and was being all lovey dovey with me (not giving details) and then as  we were kissing he strangled me until I was dead... yeah... odd as hell... was odd enough that he commented about it in the morning...
the next one was odd because the main person in the dream I've never actually met...it was Squasha's wife...in the dream we met...I walked into a hotel room knowing that he wasn't there and sat down with her and had a nice long talk and played with their son. When Squasha was due back for them to go somewhere for dinner I got up to leave and told her it was great to finally meet her and started for the door. She had asked me to join them and I politely declined before waving to their son and leaving. As I was walking down the hall to get to the elevator to go back down I walked right past Squasha, neither of us acknowledged the others existence... odd indeed.

one great dinner and two strange dreams...

Yesterday the Man, the Boychild and I all went to grab some groceries from the supermarket, we went to the local mall because we need the supermarket and the bulk barn... The Boychild had bought himself (with his own money) a thing of orange juice in a glass bottle while we were all in the bulk barn... as we were walking to the supermarket the Man decided he wanted to pick up one of McD's $1 drinks because he was thirsty so the boy and I just kept walking toward the store... the Boychild was trying to put his juice bottle back into his back pack as we were walking and .... *smash!* right between The Source and The Hallmark store his juice bottle turned into a bomb that scared us and the people around us... immediately I was making sure he was alright and he didn't get cut by flying glass...we barely had a moment to do that when from two stores down a woman was coming out of the Payless Shoe Source smiling and going on about how everything was ok and she was on the phone with the custodial people to have someone come down to clean it all up and how it was alright as everyone has accidents...the Boychild is a sensitive little sod, he had started crying (which made me think he was hurt) mainly because ...1 he dropped his juice and made a mess...2 he dropped his juice and he had 'just' bought it and only had a few sips from it and 3 because he got scared by the noise... the Payless lady not only called to have it cleaned up...she gave him a handful of stickers and told him a story about something that happened to her like that...she asked if I had the money to replace the drink and said if I didn't she'd find some so that he could have another drink... I assured he I did and that I was just going to take him over to the McD's to  grab him a soda or something from there to make up for the juice... after she had told him about her own story that mirrored his... a man that was sitting not too far away came over and told him that he was a good boy and that he shouldn't worry about it...then told us about his 9 grandchildren...

It was a real heart warming few minutes that restores your faith in people... that they would be willing to try to help the Boychild try to feel better as well... I didn't chastise him about dropping the juice, I wouldn't have even if those people weren't there to step up and tell him it was ok...

We started walking back over to the food court where the Man was and told him he missed all the excitement...he got us double cheeseburgers and got the Boychild a soda that was so big he had to hold it with both hands...so we sat for a few minutes and told him what happened before we went on our way to get the groceries...

Just a side note... I'm going to continue avoiding any and all McD's food (and shakes) except for the one in the town where I grew up... it does bad things to my gastrointestinal system... which I knew but didn't figure one cheeseburger would hurt... it did... :(

The Shadows in the Night

The sleeping laptop closed and laying upon the floor next to the bed is unaware of the eerie shadows it's bright white LED case light throws upon the walls.

Shadows that when gazed upon for too long seem to undulate and writhe, oozing as if they've been pinned against the wall still alive.

The green cyclops timepiece standing vigilant against the shadows behind it, it's gaze ever forward, not throwing enough of it's own light to throw shadows upon the opposite wall.

The sharp rattle of the air conditioner coming to life to spew forth cold air seems to snap the shadows back into focus, standing them ramrod straight again. Until they seem to grow accustomed to the rattling hum from the window unit, then the life pours back into them again.

It's then that he slinks into the room, seemingly unnoticed. Seemingly. Acting as one of the shadows but seen out of the corner of an eye. He's not paying enough attention and will get caught.

Attracted to the sounds of a man gasping for air in his sleep, seeming to sigh when the mans body shudders and remembers that it's main function at this point is to breathe for the sleeping man.

The shadow stalking the night draws closer with each gasping inhale, backing away again when the mans body spams and reminds itself to breathe again.

The room feels heavier, more crowded when the shadow stalks into the room. He's startled as the window unit rattles to life once more, he backs away from the man again, keeping a distance.  Perhaps thinking the air conditioner is some sort of warning device.

The man oblivious to the happenings around him continues to try to maintain sleeping peacefully, his snores and gasps for air keeping the shadow in the night hopeful.

As I lay awake I whisper into the air of the bedroom 'Not tonight' and every morning sit up, inhale deeply and with my exhalation state 'And not today'.

Death visits my bedroom, he stalks my husband and keeps me awake at night. At least if the LED wasn't in the bedroom, I wouldn't have to see him.

Mmmm whatcha say... Mmmm that you only meant well?

oh what to say ... what to say... more like oh where should I start...

haven't been sleeping well...been worried, getting anxious and nervous...not really for good reasons...
I'm supposed to be getting on a plane and going to Reno next month and I have no return ticket... and I'm starting to worry that I'm going to be out $200 bucks... been pretty much told by The Man that if there's no return ticket then I'm not going anywhere... *le sigh* he has good reasons obviously for saying that...

it's just starting to feel like I'm not going when I even have the confirmation in my email that I have a ticket... it's making me really sad... talked to the Man about whether or not we'd be able to get the return flight ourselves... and we might be able to scrape it together as long as the ticket prices don't get any higher...

interesting side bar... if my cell phone is beside my monitor I can predict when I'm going to get a text just moments before it comes in... *shrugs*

I have a chip in my screen at the bottom left hand corner of the screen... annoying when trying to type or read...four times now I've reached forward to try to wipe it off thinking it was a smudge... wouldn't have to worry about it if I would just get off my lazy ass and change out the monitor for the one that Burton brought over for me... but man this CRT is fucking heavy as hell... it can wait a bit longer til the Man's here again...

speaking of which *insert preemptive sigh here* ... I've had a really horrible week... the doorbell or door banging has woken me up all week... do you understand what happens to your body when you get startled awake?? (by doorbells, alarm clocks, knocking, dickheads screaming...just a couple examples...) there is a rush of adrenaline that quickly courses through your blood stream and when it gets to your heart it makes it race and go crazy fast...as you are jumping out of bed to deal with whatever startled you... now... what happens to me is the exact same thing except that my heart doesn't slow down so that I can put my hand to my chest chuckle and say 'oh that startled me'... mine goes from racing to dead stop to a fucked up beat... and takes it's sweet merry fucking time slowing down... all that causes me to be very light headed and need to lay down again as now my body is very tired...

it also leads to later on in the day my heart getting startled as I sit and watch SpongeBob or while I sit here checking emails... I like to sometimes think of my heart as a really skittish cat... it just jumps and freaks out at nothing... so for a few days this week I unfortunately spent the majority of my day laying in a bed or on the couch... 3 deliveries, 2 visits for the landlady, and a Jehovah's Witness all sent me to lay back down after they arrived at my door... Finally today I'd had enough.

I called the Man and told him to tell his mother that he 'had' to be home on Saturday. So after talking to her he informed me that she's too sick to drive the 5 hrs back to her house... *inserting sigh again* So I was pissed. He called back later and asked me to look up times and fares for him to take the Greyhound home... long story made a bit shorter... he's heading home tomorrow...without the dresser for the friend of ours he was supposed to bring home, without the cat tree that was supposed to be brought here, without all the bags of laundry he took up there to do (since she has a functioning washer and dryer) and with whatever leftover cold/flu he picked up last week... but at least he'll be here, home again.

I've been making earrings like there's no tomorrow... now I just need to start selling them to make some of my money back for the materials... I'm going to be taking them up to the retreat I'm going to in Aug...and I'm hoping to get in on one of the more local festivals to sell them as well... I just need to figure where the hell you get a vendors permit and vending insurance... *shrugs* I think I should just get a business license/number and some business insurance and see if I'm covered to do festivals and open events, maybe even the market with those... I dunno...
Anyway... I've also been making these Tree of Life ornaments... and a woman on my Aunt's facebook saw one that I had made for our mutual friend and contacted me to find out if I would make her one and how much I would charge for it... so I finished it the other night and sent her a picture... she loves it and can't wait to get it. Apparently she lives in Texas... so that's sort of Awesome... :)

Tree of Life Ornament

I've done a few now... the one above is 4 inches in diameter. I've also made a couple that are smaller as well. Anyway... she told me today that she's sent out the cheque... it's been suggested I wait until it comes before sending out the ornament but I dunno...I want to mail it out before I put it 'somewhere safe' and then lose it...

Sent a message the other day to a friend of mine to see how he was doing as he was back in the hospital with an issue with his foot... he had already had to deal with a couple of toes being amputated before and apparently a couple of the others went dark in colour and not looking too good... seems he had to get those two removed as well... I'm not exactly worried about the amputation but I am rather worried because he's in one of the hospitals in the area that has a C.difficile outbreak going on right now... there's four hospitals in the area that have outbreaks going on... 2 in St Catharines, 1 in Welland and 1 in Niagara Falls...

And of course the latest update is that someone died in Welland from it and of course that's the hospital that he's in... so far there's been 17 deaths in the area... it's no wonder I've not gone to get my jaw looked at yet...

talking about my health... knew I had to be leading up to it eventually...
I've had jaw pain on the right side so bad I've not been able to chew on that side or sleep on that side...I've been spotting/bleeding for over 21 days...and my tailbone is still killing me no matter how I sit... hell it hurts in the morning after not even laying on it... oh and I broke a fingernail the other day :D

in semi good news...
I've had both boys all week... I know it's summer and I know I'm supposed to delight in the fact that I have both my kids and we can do things together...omg they drive me bonkers... *laughs* they end up making me throw up my hands, while shaking my head and sighing because if I don't laugh I'd likely cry..lol
I did not grow up with boys...I grew up in a house with 3 women and my Dad... my sister and I and my Mum...Boys are crazy! they break shit without realizing it... sometimes they're dumber then a bag of hammers...they're all arms and legs...they smell funny and sometimes just downright refuse to bathe...they wrestle and make weird noises all the time...
bah... even sitting here I'm laughing to myself at the dumb shit they do...

the Manchild picked up the Boychild by the waist turned him upside down and started to shake him up and down... it looked like something from a cartoon when they come looking for money... Boychild is screaming for help...Manchild is laughing his head off... me? I'm trying to do dishes... I turn and after telling him to put his brother down, ask Manchild what he did that for (picture raised  eyebrows in disbelief...) and he shrugs and says 'Dunno...just felt like doing it...' I had nothing....I blinked, shook my head and went back to doing the dishes as they started laughing and were suddenly ninjas...

they were the loudest ninjas I'd ever heard... I'm so glad I love my kids...I'm also so glad that Auntie (my Sis) offered to pick them up tomorrow, keep them for the night and maybe not even bring them back home until Sunday!! (well Manchild will be heading back to his dad's on the weekend for the week) crazy boys make for crazy Mums... I need that on a button!

I've recently been eyeing ads for dogs... talked it over with the Man while he's been gone and he's agreed that we can get one... I've fallen in love with this cute 9 week old pup it's an Akita/Shepard mix... and I'd buy him tomorrow if I could... I'm just waiting to see what's going on with my ticket... get the pup = no getting the ticket... that's the sort of thing that's going on with that... just my luck though by the time I know what's what with the ticket... the pup will likely already be gone... I spoke with the Man about maybe if I called them and put like a deposit on him... but...  I dunno... but we're definitely going to get a dog... I've really missed not having one. And I know that I've said in a past post that I don't think I'd be able to find a better dog then Stinken (Buck) but... I really really miss having a dog.
Then again we (the Man and I) have also discussed maybe not getting one until September... after all the traveling of the summer is finished and we're back into a normal routine with school and stuff. So maybe I'll just wait the two months and then start looking again.

I can't wait until Saturday... I'm getting a reprieve! I've not really left the house (except to go to the corner for milk) since last weekend... so Burton and I are making a trip to the craft store! Yay! more beads, wire and hoops are in order :) what a sad existence when going out for an hour for shopping makes me this excited... yes...I really don't get out much.

ooh and one last thing... I was so happy to find out that Arizona has come out with a Southern Style Real Brewed Sweet Tea!! *queues the heavenly music* totally reminds me of all my times down south (as there have been a few now) I fell in love with Sweet Tea when I first went to North Carolina in like 2002...and now anytime that I'm down that way and further I order it wherever I go!
which was funny watching my sisters face the first time she ordered it thinking she'd be getting ice tea like we get here at home...

anyway... on that funny ass image... I'm heading to lock up for the night and going to lay down to read my book... Night Y'all